Settle an argument for me please?

[PradaBallbag]

It's been ages since I posted on this board but here goes. Have been married for 3 years, both on second marriages. Husband has a 14yo son who stays 3 nights per week. I have an 18yo daughter who lives here full time.

We had a silly row this morning which culminated in him saying he was going out for the day to get out of the house. I said in that case please take SS with you as he's here to see you, not me. (He's due to go home tonight). This resulted in a rant about if that's the case then I shouldn't be going out when my daughter's here.

I pointed out that the two things are entirely different as my daughter lives here and his son visits HIM for contact. But apparently that means that I'm not affording his son the same privileges as I give to my daughter.

We have this row over and over and I feel like he expects something from me in relation to his kids that I can't give. He wants them to have an equal place in my thoughts and heart as my own daughter does. (There is also an older son who is 20 and away at uni).

I don't know how we resolve this - is he being unreasonable?

@aSofaNearYou Yeah, you are right. I'm sure there are some children who have good bonds with parents without seeing both houses as 'home' and maybe i'm being too quick to apply my experience and that of friends and family to others. But my point still stands, before @grubbygruber, I hadn't spoken to anybody who felt this way without good reason.

Surely it's natural for most children to see their parent's houses as home, providing they spend adequate time there and treated as full members of the family?

As a parent I can't understand why anyone would accept their child being treated as a visitor in their home, and as a child I would have been devastated if it was suggested that my dad's wasn't as much my home as my stepsiblings.

I missed a couple of posts (which is possible, it's a long thread), before @GrubbyGruber, posters who have said children don't see both parent's residences as 'home' have been predominantly stepparents themselves (with the occasional resident parent thrown in). Parents/stepparents aren't always the best judges of how children of blended families feel...

My parents separated when I was small. I lived with Mum, and visited Dad. There was no negativity attached to the word "visiting". Which is why I am mystified that so many people get their knickers in a twist about it, on this board. It is just a word used to describe a situation.

That's exactly how my dc see it. They love going to their dad's; they feel 'at home' there (though not as 'at home' as here with me) but they don't consider it 'home' & do consider it visiting.
There is no negativity & their relationship with their dad & sm is not traumatic/problematic - as someone upthread said it must be.
The need for children to call both houses home is mainly an adult projection.

The need for children to call both houses home is mainly an adult projection

Yes, that's spot on.

@dontdisturbmenow

Sorry but I think this very sad. Your OH is at your house almost 50% of the time but he is not expected to feel at home?

At 14, he can stay home alone, so if he was at his dad and his dad went somewhere, he would be able to stay there, in his home.

If after 3 years, you still consider the joint home as yours to the extent that you SS can't stay when his father is it home, there's something quite wrong with your marriage.

Completely this... If you're 3 years living together , your home is also sc's home. Sc isn't a visitor, he's your family now and you should clarify this in your heart.

Ps, OP, just read your replies. The way you reply over and over with the same logic, reimbursing posters who agree with you, seems to suggest that your original question was not really an opinion seeking question, but a need of validation for what you believe. So no matter who says what you won't be changing your mind.

As a parent I can't understand why anyone would accept their child being treated as a visitor in their home

In my house, it’s their parent that treats his DC as special visitors rather than plain old residents. Everything has to be extra special and fun and good if they’re here. The rest of us can just muddle along and fit in.

I agree that it’s usually an adult projection. If children feel welcome and happy and loved, it makes no difference that ‘home’ is another house and they regularly visit this one. It doesn’t mean they lack a bond with their parent. It just means one house is home.

The simple fact that many DC do consider whether they do or do not want to go to the NRP’s house (for whatever reason) is indicative that they never really saw it as ‘home’. Home is that default place they don’t question.

Ps, OP, just read your replies. The way you reply over and over with the same logic, reimbursing posters who agree with you, seems to suggest that your original question was not really an opinion seeking question, but a need of validation for what you believe. So no matter who says what you won't be changing your mind.

I usually go with the consensus. If poster after poster tells me I'm being unreasonable then I would probably re-think my actions. But that's not the case here - there are different opinions.