Settle an argument for me please?

[PradaBallbag]

It's been ages since I posted on this board but here goes. Have been married for 3 years, both on second marriages. Husband has a 14yo son who stays 3 nights per week. I have an 18yo daughter who lives here full time.

We had a silly row this morning which culminated in him saying he was going out for the day to get out of the house. I said in that case please take SS with you as he's here to see you, not me. (He's due to go home tonight). This resulted in a rant about if that's the case then I shouldn't be going out when my daughter's here.

I pointed out that the two things are entirely different as my daughter lives here and his son visits HIM for contact. But apparently that means that I'm not affording his son the same privileges as I give to my daughter.

We have this row over and over and I feel like he expects something from me in relation to his kids that I can't give. He wants them to have an equal place in my thoughts and heart as my own daughter does. (There is also an older son who is 20 and away at uni).

I don't know how we resolve this - is he being unreasonable?

but I'm having a hard time believing that anybody actually thinks that's ok and isn't just being massively distracted by their personal feelings about calling SKs visitors
I have done that a number of times. I can get very upset and angry in arguments, my OH Hayes it as I can just go on and on. My going to take a breather, calm down and reassess the situation is what we both agree to be the best.

My kids just stay home, their home when it happens (which hasn't been for years now). I text them and explain and they are not one bit bothered. It's their home, they are in their room, the last thing they would have wanted was to come with me to deal with my crying or rambling. Thankfully it never cross my OH's mind to say to me they had to come with me.

@dontdisturbmenow

but I'm having a hard time believing that anybody actually thinks that's ok and isn't just being massively distracted by their personal feelings about calling SKs visitors I have done that a number of times. I can get very upset and angry in arguments, my OH Hayes it as I can just go on and on. My going to take a breather, calm down and reassess the situation is what we both agree to be the best.

My kids just stay home, their home when it happens (which hasn't been for years now). I text them and explain and they are not one bit bothered. It's their home, they are in their room, the last thing they would have wanted was to come with me to deal with my crying or rambling. Thankfully it never cross my OH's mind to say to me they had to come with me.

Hmmm, well I would think this was reasonable for an hour or so, but all day to cool off from an argument? No I really don't think it is, especially with him due to go back to his mum's that night.

This works both ways regarding a SC being a visitor. I've seen many threads where the OP gets irritated that DH treats SC like a visitor and does xyz for them...like you would with other visitors.

I think for some of us the problem is that our husbands treat their kids like visitors (visiting dignitaries at that) but then insist on the semantics that they live here.

It’s got to be one or the other. And I’m not sure the royal visit treatment does anyone any good.

I think for some of us the problem is that our husbands treat their kids like visitors (visiting dignitaries at that) but then insist on the semantics that they live here

I totally get this. I used to ask DH to decide if DSS (who stayed with us EOW) was a resident or a visitor, and then behave accordingly. If, for example, he’s a resident then yes he gets to raid the fridge, but it’s also ok to ask him to help with household chores. If, for example, he’s a guest then yes we would always make sure we’re home when he’s visiting but this also means he won’t automatically get the biggest bedroom.

However DH insisted on cherry picking the best bits from each category, and it was a real problem for family dynamics.

@Coffeepot72

I think for some of us the problem is that our husbands treat their kids like visitors (visiting dignitaries at that) but then insist on the semantics that they live here

I totally get this. I used to ask DH to decide if DSS (who stayed with us EOW) was a resident or a visitor, and then behave accordingly. If, for example, he’s a resident then yes he gets to raid the fridge, but it’s also ok to ask him to help with household chores. If, for example, he’s a guest then yes we would always make sure we’re home when he’s visiting but this also means he won’t automatically get the biggest bedroom.

However DH insisted on cherry picking the best bits from each category, and it was a real problem for family dynamics.

Yes. It is a huge problem for family dynamics.

In my opinion, it’d be better if he acted like they live here. But it’s all cherry picking.

I think for some of us the problem is that our husbands treat their kids like visitors (visiting dignitaries at that) but then insist on the semantics that they live here.

The red carpet shouldn't be rolled out for your own kids, but in situations where you don't see your kids much (like 4 days a month), the more it will feel like they're a visitor and deserving of some kind of special treatment.

However DH insisted on cherry picking the best bits from each category, and it was a real problem for family dynamics.

I agree that this isn't helpful at all and it's unfair for the resident children.

In the instance described by OP, the boy is here 3 days out of 7,very different to 2 days every 14.

I suspect OP does more or less treat her DS well. The words were to hurt her OH and knowing that refering to herc DS as a visitor would be the shot that hits the target.

I agree with your DH tbh. It's the dss home too. Anything less smacks of double standards. He's 14, not a toddler.

I think I understand where you are coming from, Prada. The point of children visiting the non-resident parent is to spend time with them.

Where did husband want to go so urgently for the whole day that was so important while his son was visiting? It seems an odd thing to do if children are coming around, not fair on them at all. He has plenty of time without.

The situation is different with your daughter. She is resident and anyway she's a young adult.

Do try and keep these arguments away from your husband's son, it will make the boy feel terribly awkward.

Blended families are really complicated, I can't help feeling it is best to avoid such situations. However in your case what's done is done and you have to make the best of it.

@jessstan2, do you think that a teenager that sounds 3 days out of 7 with apparent is it visiting?

What if his mum considers that because he is at hers 4 days at out 7, he us also oy visiting there?

Does one day really makes a full difference between living and visiting?

[quote dontdisturbmenow]@jessstan2, do you think that a teenager that sounds 3 days out of 7 with apparent is it visiting?

What if his mum considers that because he is at hers 4 days at out 7, he us also oy visiting there?

Does one day really makes a full difference between living and visiting?[/quote]
What makes the difference is who is defined as the resident parent, and that would be his mum. I know for a fact that she would never say he's visiting. She was very firm on the matter that the kids would live with her, with their dad having access.

We don't argue or have these discussions in front of his son. I would never do that. He was in his room with headphones on.

*I totally get this. I used to ask DH to decide if DSS (who stayed with us EOW) was a resident or a visitor, and then behave accordingly. If, for example, he’s a resident then yes he gets to raid the fridge, but it’s also ok to ask him to help with household chores. If, for example, he’s a guest then yes we would always make sure we’re home when he’s visiting but this also means he won’t automatically get the biggest bedroom.

However DH insisted on cherry picking the best bits from each category, and it was a real problem for family dynamics.*

@Coffeepot72 that's one of the most astute 'observations' I've ever seen on here & you've totally hit the nail on the head.

I also think that many dc don't see dad's as home no matter how much the adults in question wish they would. For many dc when their parents split up dad is the one who leaves the family home so from the offset dad's home is seen as 'the other'. This combined with the scenario outlined in the above post means that many dc do feel like they visit dad - and there's nothing wrong with that. So long as any child has a sense of home somewhere, they will be ok.

We can all bang on here about where WE feel @PradaBallbag sds should call home, but if the boy himself feels like mum's is home & that he visits dad - for whatever reason - then what we think is irrelevant.

My dc have a great relationship with their dad & sm but home for them is with me. I never told them to think that - they just do - & that's ok.

Good point @Magda72. Oddly, when I got divorced my ex kept 'our' house and my daughter went there for access (at first, she doesn't any more). I bought a new house for us to live in. But even then, 'home' was with me, despite her dad still living in what was our family home.

We can't tell our kids what to think - they will work it out for themselves.

@Magda72 I agree that this insistence on ‘living’ rather than ‘visiting’ is generally about the adult’s feelings rather than the child’s.

My DS lives with me. He visits his dad’s house regularly. He loves going to see his dad, But he thinks of this house as ‘home’. And it is his default location. He’d never go to his dad’s if his dad weren’t there (his dad would rearrange). But I have had to get babysitters etc so I could go things because DS is here.

Tbh, I think having a proper sense of ‘home’ is important to children. They just aren’t going to see two houses as equally home.

For my DSC, home is their mum’s house. It’s where they are by default. If DH is away, they don’t come. No matter his much my DH might stamp his feet and insist they live here etc, they don’t see it that way. Their mum doesn’t either. And it affects all sorts of things. Their mum can pull contact if she chooses (and has done). They can say they don’t want to come because they were asked to eat some tomatoes (and they have - encouraged by their mum). Even DH doesn’t really believe they ‘live’ here - that’s why he treats them as visiting dignitaries who might choose to stay at their mum’s if there aren’t enough treats and special treatment.

Everything here would be better if my DH could just accept this. And, obviously, if his ex weren’t so keen to exploit and encourage things (she doesn’t ever want to work, so she is keen to do anything that might mean more maintenance - even if its £50 a month more, she’ll try to limit contact so she is entitled to it).

I also think that many dc don't see dad's as home no matter how much the adults in question wish they would
I really don't agree with that. My experience along with that if my kids and friends is that most kids want nothing more than to feel at home at their dads and when they don't, it's because they are made to feel like visitors.

My youngest decided he didn't want to go to his dad any longer because he was indeed treated as a visitor. He is very introverted unlike his eldest siblings and feeling at home is especially important to him.

I went to my dad eow but always felt at home there. A different home to my mum's but still home. This was very i.pirtsbt to my dad and my SM didn't object. We didn't get along great then but she would never have told me to go with my dad if he'd taken off for whatever reason. She might have asked if I wanted to but never told my dad that I had to go. I'm really thankful for that and probably why once teenagehood was over, we became close.

They just aren’t going to see two houses as equally home
And just in this matter, you can feel at home in very different places, just like those who live away during the week at work will feel at home at both places.

@dontdisturbmenow I don't think anyone is saying no kids feel at home in both houses, just that lots don't describe them both as home, and wouldn't take offence at the notion of "visiting". People on this thread are acting like it's an unquestionably awful and insulting word in all cases, whereas in reality it's pretty common parlance even amongst SC.

I feel like @dontdisturbmenow's view is massively skewed by her own experiences and she's done everything she can to paint me as the wicked step-mum despite some very differing, more balanced views.

just that lots don't describe them both as home, and wouldn't take offence at the notion of "visiting"
I would say some but not the majority.

I feel like @dontdisturbmenow's view is massively skewed by her own experiences
Well we are all skewed by our own experience. My view is not just based on my own experience but that of other family members, friends, colleagues.

You seem to be reading what you want though as I said just a few posts above that I didn't think you were a bad SM just used words to upset your OH which was the view of a number of other posters.

This thread is quite bizarre. Of course your stepson wouldn't be there if it wasn't his dad's home. Just like your daughter wouldn't if it wasn't your home...

Many children see both parents houses as 'home'. In fact I've only ever known children not to feel this way if there is an issue stemming from their mum/dad/or stepparent.

Clearly there are problems in yours and your dh's relationship for him to be storming off (this isn't something I'd put up with BTW) but that doesn't change that he's right about how you view his son's place in the family.

In fact I've only ever known children not to feel this way if there is an issue stemming from their mum/dad/or stepparent

I only ever thought of my Dad's as 'home' (was RP). Saw my mum regularly, no issues with her or my Stepfather but my Dad's was home. It's where most of my friends lived but I don't know what made it more home than my mum's, it just... was 🤷

@GrubbyGruber

Ah OK, that's interesting and I stand corrected. Did you spend much time at your mum's, have a bedroom with your own stuff in it etc?

Both my mum's and dad's houses were 'home' to me. Chatting about this IRL as an adult and I've only ever found people whose resident parent made a big deal out of their house been the real home, or people who were treated more like visitors, feel this way (but obviously I haven't chatted to everyone from a split family!).

Maybe it's down to the personality of the child too?

Many children see both parents houses as 'home'. In fact I've only ever known children not to feel this way if there is an issue stemming from their mum/dad/or stepparent

Fair enough if that's your experience, but there have been several examples on this thread alone of children that do/did not feel that way, so it would be remiss to view it as one size fits all.

He's being unfair on his son by not spending time with him, but I do agree with him that his son should be equal in the house to your daughter and should not be considered DH's visitor. If your daughter is in the house with just DH at times, why can't DSS be in the house with just you?!