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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Settle an argument for me please?

233 replies

PradaBallbag · 03/04/2021 12:06

It's been ages since I posted on this board but here goes. Have been married for 3 years, both on second marriages. Husband has a 14yo son who stays 3 nights per week. I have an 18yo daughter who lives here full time.

We had a silly row this morning which culminated in him saying he was going out for the day to get out of the house. I said in that case please take SS with you as he's here to see you, not me. (He's due to go home tonight). This resulted in a rant about if that's the case then I shouldn't be going out when my daughter's here.

I pointed out that the two things are entirely different as my daughter lives here and his son visits HIM for contact. But apparently that means that I'm not affording his son the same privileges as I give to my daughter.

We have this row over and over and I feel like he expects something from me in relation to his kids that I can't give. He wants them to have an equal place in my thoughts and heart as my own daughter does. (There is also an older son who is 20 and away at uni).

I don't know how we resolve this - is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Limalama · 03/04/2021 17:43

I have to agree with sandy, it feels a bit like you were marking your territory. Almost like 'this is mine and my daughter's house and you are just visitors, so take your visitor with you'.

Imagine the sexes were reversed and a woman posted on here that she wanted to go out for a few hours to cool off after an argument. The husband then said take your 14 year old daughter with you as she's here to see you not me. The underlying message being its his and his adult son's house not hers, despite being married. A woman posting that would get all sorts of responses including LTB, you have a claim on the house as you are married, get a SHL, he's an abusive arse, etc.

Really depends on the lens you are looking at this through.

DuggyOnDown · 03/04/2021 18:19

I would see it as DSS is visiting his Dad who whilst he may get to flounce off from the OP he doesn't get to flounce off from his son

I think this is the point surely. Not that your husband can't ever step foot out of the house when his son is there, that would be unreasonable.

But to just bugger off all day because he's had a row with OP and leave his son, who is there to see him, behind is what's unreasonable.

Limalama · 03/04/2021 18:32

But to just bugger off all day because he's had a row with OP and leave his son, who is there to see him, behind is what's unreasonable.

But this reinforces the point that the son is a visitor to be looked after than a blended member of the family.

I think this is the crux of the matter. They are clearly two sets of people cohabiting rather than a blended family who spend time with each other. I suspect this is what he was alluding to when he referenced the adult daughter's presence when the OP isn't home.

I have DSDs who spend time here, I wouldn't insist that my DH take them with him if he went out to get some space , mainly because we are all family and they can stay at home if they want to. They come to visit all of us not just their dad. We have developed relationships with each other, not just a compartmentalised relationship between father and daughters.

DuggyOnDown · 03/04/2021 18:36

It's unreasonable to his son though who he's also ditching, not just OP that's my point.

I'd feel pretty shit if I'd gone to see my Dad, visitor or not, contact is still to spend time with that parent, and he had a row and just left me at home all day.

Limalama · 03/04/2021 18:44

It would be shitty for the son, but again in a family this happens. The son should be comfortable enough in his home that he shrugs it off and thinks ' oh well Dad's being a plonker, I'll do x,y or z or see what the OP is doing'. Maybe that's just how we do it, but it was the same when I was a step kid. I spent quite a bit of time hanging out with my stepmum when my dad was busy. Never bothered me and enabled us to build a good relationship into adulthood.

There's fault on both sides here and some deep underlying issues that need to be talked about.

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2021 18:53

It always seems to me that people are trying to trip OPs up by probing into whether they consider their house to he the SCs home or not. I think the truthful answer is that yes, it is their home, but not quite in the same way that it is for children who mainly live there, and it isn't quite as simple as it being exactly the same as that scenario.

Like any other child, whether you'd leave him home alone will depend on his nature and behaviour. But he wasn't left on his own in this instance, he was left with OP. Like it or not, that is not quite the same situation as leaving him alone or with his other parent. If he requires/seeks out any level of supervision or interaction, then I would expect his dad to be home the vast majority of the time he was there, unless it was important or something he understood was a favour. I wouldn't expect him to just choose to not be there. That applies to both him and OP regarding her children, but it is less likely to be an issue with them as they should be self sufficient.

That's not a reflection of whether it is the SCs home or not, it's just something specific to SC in their homes as it is a different situation. It's something the adults involved need to respect.

Witchymclovely · 03/04/2021 18:53

I would feel the same. Whether he can look after himself is irrelevant, who’s house it is is irrelevant too. He’s there to see his dad and if dad needs time out then he needs to consider his son. It’s not your responsibility. You may have had plans?!? I used to have my SD Saturday mornings while her dad was at work, it was the most uncomfortable six hours of my life. I know she felt the same. Happy days

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2021 18:55

oh well Dad's being a plonker, I'll do x,y or z or see what the OP is doing'. Maybe that's just how we do it, but it was the same when I was a step kid. I spent quite a bit of time hanging out with my stepmum when my dad was busy. Never bothered me and enabled us to build a good relationship into adulthood. There's fault on both sides here and some deep underlying issues that need to be talked about.

But all of that very much supports what I've been saying - if he stays, OP will have no choice but to spend the day occupying him. She shouldn't have to do that so her DP can have breathing space.

excelledyourself · 03/04/2021 19:12

You were going it anyway, so what difference did it make to you?

tisonlymeagain · 03/04/2021 19:43

If you DH wants to flounce when it's his contact time, he should absolutely take his 14-year-old son - or better still, grow a pair, pull up his big boys pants and get on with life like the rest of us, and spend time with his son.

The age of the son is irrelevant. He comes to spend time with his father.

My SC are NOT my responsibility. I expect my DP to make his plans to suit them, it doesn't fall on me to look after them because he wants to go and do something else.

excelledyourself · 03/04/2021 19:52

He's there 3 days a week. Do people really think his mum doesn't leave the house without him the 4 days he's with her?

User5747384 · 03/04/2021 19:54

Your partner sounds ridiculous.
YANBU.

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2021 20:15

@excelledyourself

He's there 3 days a week. Do people really think his mum doesn't leave the house without him the 4 days he's with her?

I'm starting to think it's just me, but I actually don't think I know many parents that would leave their 14 year old alone all day, unless it was for something that needed doing and they wouldn't just naturally go too. Not because they couldn't cope on their own, but just because it's a bit odd.

Limalama · 03/04/2021 20:24

It wasn't just going out though was it? they'd had a row, the husband wanted some space to cool off. Maybe he didn't want his son with him in case he said things he would regret later.

I think people are thinking he'd just decided to go out for a jolly. Plenty of couples argue and one goes out to de-esculate the situation, which is actually a sensible thing to do rather than have a screaming match.

This happens in all kinds of families. You don't routinely take a minor with you in this situation if you're angry and want to get a hold of yourself.

Blended families are all different I guess and as evident in this thread, what one person thinks is normal another does not. They both need to sit down together and talk about expectations and see if they can get on the same page or not. See what works for them, as a couple and as a blended family.

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2021 20:28

@Limalima Ok, well imagine a scenario where a single parent rowed with their partner over the phone. Would you expect them to say to their teenager "right I'm off out to cool off, I'll see you at tea time"? If not, then the reason you think this is different is because OP is at home to be with him. But OP isn't his parent and can't be called upon to do that. I honestly think if he was a single parent living alone, people would be saying differently about him going out all day to cool off.

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2021 20:35

Not least because it is unsettling for the child, I should add. I really would not have expected either of my parents to storm off all day to cool off from a row with the other when I was growing up. It's not appropriate, he needs to get a hold of himself.

tisonlymeagain · 03/04/2021 20:35

@aSofaNearYou Clearly in the minority but I leave my 14 year old for an hour max. Plus, I spend 50% of the week away from them, so I want to spend the time they come to stay with them.

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2021 20:37

[quote tisonlymeagain]@aSofaNearYou Clearly in the minority but I leave my 14 year old for an hour max. Plus, I spend 50% of the week away from them, so I want to spend the time they come to stay with them. [/quote]
Indeed, that is very much the sort of dynamic I would expect with a teen!

blackbettybramblejam · 03/04/2021 20:39

YADNBU. Your husband is being SO unreasonable. Have none of it.

Limalama · 03/04/2021 20:43

I think we will have to agree to disagree on the situation. You look at it a different way from me, which is fine. Many different perspectives are what this site is about. At the end of the day, we're all just providing food for thought not looking for a consensus.

AppletonP · 03/04/2021 20:50

I think it was a dick move OP. The boy lives there 50/50 just about. He's 14 and would have been fine at home. Couples will have arguments. Cooling off is a good idea. I wouldn't expect DH to drag "his" kids with him. It doesn't sound like a very well blended family.

aSofaNearYou · 03/04/2021 21:13

@Limalama

Fair enough, though I have to say I am surprised by how many people on here think it's perfectly normal for a parent to storm out for a full day to cool off from an argument. I can understand that people are focused on the "it's his home" part of the debate but honestly think that is clouding people's judgment about parental behaviour.

Stout01 · 03/04/2021 21:18

This seems to be a common theme, the Resident children being valued as the important children and the NRC seen as the visitors. I've seen this on various threads and questions wondering why the NRP partner is resentful.

Tiredoftattler · 03/04/2021 21:25

My kids spend 50/50 time with each parent . I never think that they are there to see me when they are in the house; nor do I think that they go "to see" their dad. Those are the homes in which "they live."

If I go out and leave my 16 year old home and my husband happens to be in the house, I am not leaving him to watch or be responsible for her. She has for several years been capable of preparing a meal or snack for herself and entertaining herself.

The OP did not say anything to suggest that the 14 year old required anything of her or anything of het.

It seemed as though they had words and some fairly meaningless assertions were made by both of them.

OP and her husband might benefit from counseling to help them learn more effective ways of communicating.

LolaSmiles · 03/04/2021 21:29

He lives with you almost half the week and I'd not expect a teen to be glued to their parent, regardless of whether the parents are together or split.

The issue here (in my opinion) isn't whether a 14 year old who lives at his dad's almost 50% of the time should be allowed to chill there when his dad is absent, because of course he should. The issue is whether it's reasonable for a man to storm out on his family for a day because he's in a mood after arguing with his wife, and I'd say that's not on.

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