Settle an argument for me please?

[PradaBallbag]

It's been ages since I posted on this board but here goes. Have been married for 3 years, both on second marriages. Husband has a 14yo son who stays 3 nights per week. I have an 18yo daughter who lives here full time.

We had a silly row this morning which culminated in him saying he was going out for the day to get out of the house. I said in that case please take SS with you as he's here to see you, not me. (He's due to go home tonight). This resulted in a rant about if that's the case then I shouldn't be going out when my daughter's here.

I pointed out that the two things are entirely different as my daughter lives here and his son visits HIM for contact. But apparently that means that I'm not affording his son the same privileges as I give to my daughter.

We have this row over and over and I feel like he expects something from me in relation to his kids that I can't give. He wants them to have an equal place in my thoughts and heart as my own daughter does. (There is also an older son who is 20 and away at uni).

I don't know how we resolve this - is he being unreasonable?

OP, the immediate solution to your problem, assuming that you are not willing to try counseling is to ask him to move out of "your house."

The fact that he pays for half of the expenses does not seem to give him the same occupancy rights that he would have as a tenant or owner in any other property.

If he were renting any other property and left his 14 year old child alone for the day , the property owner would not weigh in on his parenting. The child would likely manage on his own, and no one would be in anyways damaged or injured. OP, was the something that you had to do for his son during the time that your husband was gone?

Your husband was a property owner prior to marrying and moving in with you. He is paying his way in your home. He is paying 1/2 of the expenses. He is not, as some have suggested, trying in any to use you financially. He is paying his way in a house where he has less rights than he would have as a tenant in a rental property. you

OP , you seem to want him to feel grateful for your agreeing to live in "your house" when your got married. As a married couple,you were going to need to live someplace. You house just proved to be the more convenient choice ,and he is paying his share of the incurred expenses while you get to retain all of the increased equity in the modified home which is only fair.

I think that you have gone a long way in providing a house for your stepson but not very far in providing a welcoming home. It appears that you and your husband may have a different view of what constitutes a home vs a house.

If you are unhappy in this situation, both of you know (as having had previous divorces ) how to end an unhappy marriage.

@Bouledeneige

It sounds like you didn’t really discuss the implications with your DP before getting married and there are quite a lot of implications - how you spend your time together, with your kids and how your assets are split.

If I were in your DH’s shoes I wouldn’t feel very welcome living in your and your daughter’s home and I’d be very anxious that my child who I only saw part time wasn’t being treated as part of the family and feeling welcome. I’d be worried that my DS would stop coming because it wasn’t a relaxed environment for them.

Maybe you should go for couples counselling to try and establish some ground rules that work for you both of you - with compromises on both sides?

If he's worried about his son feeling welcome and wanting to come, perhaps he should reconsider being such a hot head he would disappear off for a day after a storming argument with his DW. That inability to keep his cool would be far more likely to put me off visiting.

Bloody hell. I’d get to a solicitor.

Leaving after an argument and taking time to regain your composure seems to be a fairly mature way to de-escalate the situation. Had the 14 year old not been in the house, would anyone think that the partner was in the wrong for leaving?

It is apparent that these 2 people do not have any healthy strategies for problem resolution and have a yours and mine attitude towards the house in which they all reside.
This is seemingly one of those situations where the relationship would have been better served by them living apart

@Tiredoftattler

Leaving after an argument and taking time to regain your composure seems to be a fairly mature way to de-escalate the situation. Had the 14 year old not been in the house, would anyone think that the partner was in the wrong for leaving?

It is apparent that these 2 people do not have any healthy strategies for problem resolution and have a yours and mine attitude towards the house in which they all reside.
This is seemingly one of those situations where the relationship would have been better served by them living apart

I completely disagree that leaving for a full day to cool off is a mature way to de escalate, and I'm struggling to understand how you can possibly be defending it as if it is. Parents arguing and then one of them marching off for the day, with no warning or clear picture of when or if they were coming back, would be really unsettling. The mature thing to do is to get on with being a parent, and deal with your disagreement later.

If it was such a major argument that that level of space was required, ie people screaming at each other and throwing things, then he should obviously not have assumed at home with OP would be a good place for his son. If it wasn't that big a fight, then he needs to get a grip, stay at home and not scare the crap out of his kids.

There really isn't a defence for his decision from any angle. It was NOT mature, it was volatile and potentially very damaging to his kid.

I don't agree with him flouncing out for a whole day - very unpleasant for his son. H did that to me once after an argument ( DS was a baby and is both of ours) and tbh it took a long time to forgive him.

He had essentially dumped me with the responsibility of our child with no thought other than his wants and needs.

Even though the son is 14, surely he wouldn't just up and go for a whole day if he was on his own with him? I certainly wouldn't do that to my DS who's also 14. If so, then he's banking on you being there as the adult as that's not on - you're not his mother and he doesn't come over to see you.

I do think it would have been better phrased for you to have said 'you can't be too long, it's not fair on DS, rather than Insiting that he take him, but I can understand why you were annoyed.

This thread is why I would never remarry. Not for love or money.

If I was in OPs position I hope I would have the courage to just refuse the proposal.

The DH is petulant and I wouldn't be surprised if he had these tantrums and walk offs with his first wife. In a way it's tough justice for him that he can't do that bullshit with OP. Parents shouldn't get to walk out on their kids. Full stop. Maybe he'll grow up for marriage #3.

OP could get her comeuppance too. I think dh has a sizeable stake in 'her house'. They're married and both making payments towards it so it's already a matrimonial asset imo. And the cherry is that step son is the only child still under 18 in their relationship. OP might not see him as her responsibility but the courts WILL care about him. I wouldn't be surprised if dh got more than half the house because of the son and his welfare, that really would be ironic justice.

OP could get her comeuppance too. I think dh has a sizeable stake in 'her house'. They're married and both making payments towards it so it's already a matrimonial asset imo. And the cherry is that step son is the only child still under 18 in their relationship. OP might not see him as her responsibility but the courts WILL care about him. I wouldn't be surprised if dh got more than half the house because of the son and his welfare, that really would be ironic justice.

How on Earth would that be "justice"?

@dontdisturbmenow

I just suggested to my husband that if he was going out all day he might want to take SS with him as he's here to see him Ok well that to me is passive aggressive behaviour. Why mention it in the first place? Surely if his DS wasn't happy to stay, he could have just ask to go with his dad. If your OH thought he might not want to be there without him, he could have asked his son.

It's hard not to interpret your words as a dig and clearly that's how your OH took it.

So what? It's perfectly reasonable for it to be a dig! It's a reminder that his child is home and as such it isn't appropriate for him to storm off all day.

I completely disagree that leaving for a full day to cool off is a mature way to de escalate, and I'm struggling to understand how you can possibly be defending it as if it is. Parents arguing and then one of them marching off for the day, with no warning or clear picture of when or if they were coming back, would be really unsettling. The mature thing to do is to get on with being a parent, and deal with your disagreement later.
@aSofaNearYou I agree completely.
My exh used to do this a lot & it had a very bad effect on our dc. My eldest 2 who have both had counselling at various times tell me their father's communication style has come up for them in counselling over & over again.
Honestly it's infantile b
Behaviour & leaves everyone left in the house worried & discombobulated.

@aSofaNearYou

Because OP didn't need to get married. Marriage is actually a serious contract and she could've refused.

She wouldn't 'lose' half her house at the end of her marriage. She 'gave' half her house at the start of her marriage.

It is fair.

If she went into the marriage without being committed to the full extent of her contract then the fault is hers and it's warning to people to just say no.

[quote SkedaddIe]@aSofaNearYou

Because OP didn't need to get married. Marriage is actually a serious contract and she could've refused.

She wouldn't 'lose' half her house at the end of her marriage. She 'gave' half her house at the start of her marriage.

It is fair.

If she went into the marriage without being committed to the full extent of her contract then the fault is hers and it's warning to people to just say no. [/quote]
Well yes, a warning is good but I don't see why "get her comeuppance" or "justice" is necessary.

OP, so if after your argument, your husband had said " I need to get out of here, I am going golfing. " Would that have been reasonable? If he had said , " I am leaving and taking my son", would you have been satisfied? "

I doubt it. If this argument had occurred on a day that his son was not in the house, would he not then have been able to leave for the day?

I don't think that you get the right to both argue and then dictate as to how the other party responds to the argument. You clearly want a significant amount of control in this relationship, but in no relationship do you get the right to both argue and dictate how the other party has to respond.

@Tiredoftattler

OP, so if after your argument, your husband had said " I need to get out of here, I am going golfing. " Would that have been reasonable? If he had said , " I am leaving and taking my son", would you have been satisfied? "

I doubt it. If this argument had occurred on a day that his son was not in the house, would he not then have been able to leave for the day?

I don't think that you get the right to both argue and then dictate as to how the other party responds to the argument. You clearly want a significant amount of control in this relationship, but in no relationship do you get the right to both argue and dictate how the other party has to respond.

Why do you keep repeating this when people have countered it so many times? Of course it would be different if his kid wasn't there - because there would be no kid there to be confused/damaged by his behaviour. The reason he shouldn't have done it is because it was inappropriate with kids in the house

@Magda72 I'm not at all surprised to hear it has contributed to issues for them, I'm very surprised how many don't see this behaviour as at all problematic!

“ It comes out quite strikingly that you see the house as yours and your DD, with your DH a tenant and his DS a guest.”.

That’s what I’ve concluded also. You view DS as a visitor, whilst dh sees him as living there.

You say that if you weren’t married, ds wouldn’t visit. But you are married, and DS is part of that package.

Dh shouldn’t have stormed off, but that’s not really the nub of the matter. The nub seems to be you resenting you step-son.

Dh shouldn’t have stormed off, but that’s not really the nub of the matter. The nub seems to be you resenting you step-son.

It absolutely is the nub of the matter. OP said nothing about resenting her step son, the only reason the question of whether she would be happy for her DP to leave him home alone with her all day has come up is because of his unreasonable decision to storm out.

So what? It's perfectly reasonable for it to be a dig!
Oh yes, women being passive aggressive is ok. When it's men, it's emotional abuse!

Ultimately, right or wrong, when it gets to this, it doesn't care well for the marriage.

@dontdisturbmenow

So what? It's perfectly reasonable for it to be a dig! Oh yes, women being passive aggressive is ok. When it's men, it's emotional abuse!

Ultimately, right or wrong, when it gets to this, it doesn't care well for the marriage.

I do not think it's remotely emotionally abusive for a man to point out when something his wife is doing is unreasonable.

I'm struggling to see why I deserve any sort of 'come-uppance' or ' justice' by believing at the time that it was the right thing to do to get married. We were paying two lots of bills and mortgages and he was staying here half the week. Plus I love him and thought I could make it work. Lots of people don't foresee massive issues when they get married. After an emotionally abusive first marriage I thought I'd found myself someone good. He has lots of good qualities, but of course nobody is perfect. Would I get married again? No. Do I deserve to lose lots of money because I didn't turn down a marriage proposal from a man I love? I don't think I do.

Well depends on the circumstances. We do t even know what the 'silly' argument was. It might not have been silly at all to him.

I think when you've had an argument, bad enough that one needs to get out of the house, having a dig is the least appropriate attitude to take.

I do agree agree OP that talking of justice is a step too far. Hopefully you can work things out but don't dismiss what he is trying to communicate as ultimately, a posters here can see things from his perspective.

Totally juvenile to disappear for a whole day after an argument when your child is there (to spend time with you).

If he’d gone out for an hour or two or disappeared for a day when his son wasn’t there then I doubt the OP would have posted.

Do I deserve to lose lots of money because I didn't turn down a marriage proposal from a man I love? I don't think I do.
Speaking in terms of what is deserved, or others speaking of justice etc is a bit over the top in my opinion.
You did, with all good intentions at the time, choose to marry and with that bind your affairs to someone else's. Should you split, the marital assets will be split in various proportions. That's what comes with marriage.

He responded badly by storming out. It's really childish and unfair on his child, and also unfair on you. Most people don't consider it acceptable to storm out on a 14 year old because they've had an argument with their partner.
He may have some valid points though on your view of his son. You acknowledge yourself you were wary of blending families, were happy not to marry and keep your own space, and throughout your posts it sounds like you view his son as a visitor in your house and not as your husband's child who lives with you almost half the week. It's not beyond the realms of possibility that this view comes across. I'm not someone who thinks stepparents should love their SC as their own because I think that's an unfair expectation, but I do think children can pick up when their parents' new partners aren't 100% on board.

You are married, it should be the home of both children whether they are there full time or not. Telling him to take his child as he’s only visiting must have really hurt and I hope it wasn’t heard by his son, although children are astute so it’s likely he knows the situation.