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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Settle an argument for me please?

233 replies

PradaBallbag · 03/04/2021 12:06

It's been ages since I posted on this board but here goes. Have been married for 3 years, both on second marriages. Husband has a 14yo son who stays 3 nights per week. I have an 18yo daughter who lives here full time.

We had a silly row this morning which culminated in him saying he was going out for the day to get out of the house. I said in that case please take SS with you as he's here to see you, not me. (He's due to go home tonight). This resulted in a rant about if that's the case then I shouldn't be going out when my daughter's here.

I pointed out that the two things are entirely different as my daughter lives here and his son visits HIM for contact. But apparently that means that I'm not affording his son the same privileges as I give to my daughter.

We have this row over and over and I feel like he expects something from me in relation to his kids that I can't give. He wants them to have an equal place in my thoughts and heart as my own daughter does. (There is also an older son who is 20 and away at uni).

I don't know how we resolve this - is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:

ChrissyPlummer · 04/04/2021 09:19

@Bouledeneige presumably OP didn’t kidnap her DH and force him into living with her daughter? Presumably he knew she had a daughter who lived with her and he still chose to move in with OP? OP also knew that he had DC and has made alterations to her house (presumably owned before she met current DH) so they have somewhere to stay.

DH is acting like a twat. It’s rare that you’d feel the same attachment to someone else’s kids as you do your own. It’s not enough for DH that OP has done what she has, he wants her to feel something for his DC that she doesn’t. Then when they have a row he storms off, putting his DS and DW in a very awkward situation.

MotherofTerriers · 04/04/2021 09:30

Be careful OP. If you’ve had enough get legal advice and act quickly, the longer you are married the more claim on your house he has

Bouledeneige · 04/04/2021 09:40

ChrissyPlummer I was responding to OP's comment early in the thread that she wouldn't choose to live with her partner's son if she wasn't in a relationship with him. It applies both ways. When you embark on new relationships where you both have children you need to be mutually respectful of each other's parental responsibilities and OP needs to treat her DP's son with the same respect that she expects him to show her daughter who he lives with full time (and her DS when he's home too). DP's son is not an inconvenient piece of hand luggage - he has as much importance as her own daughter.

ChrissyPlummer · 04/04/2021 09:59

@Bouledeneige and that’s totally the OPs decision in HER house. Her DH had the same option, he didn’t have to move in, knowing her DD was there FT. OP has generously had her home extended to accommodate them, but that’s not enough for her DH, he wants her to feel the same about them as she does about her own DC. Which, presuming that they have a DM is, frankly, bizarre.

Yes, it’s his DS’s home too but would he really go round if his DF wasn’t there? I mean, my DB wouldn’t bring my niece round here if I wasn’t in. She and my DH like each other but she primarily comes here to see me and DDog!

Original poster

PradaBallbag · 04/04/2021 10:04

It was his idea to get married and move in. When we had discussed it in the past I thought we wouldn't move in together until and kids had all left home. And then he proposed out of the blue. He knew I wasn't keen on the whole blended family thing. Yes, I went along with it and maybe I shouldn't have in hindsight. I thought things would work. But it feels like he expects more of me than I can give. We were so much happier when we lived apart and had our own space.

OP posts:

LolaSmiles · 04/04/2021 10:35

Your update makes more sense now.

I thought you were being a bit unreasonable about his son as regardless who owns the house, child should be welcome at their parents' homes. I'd no more expect your step son to be glued to his dad than any other child be glued to their parents at 14. I have to admit I found the but it's technically my house not theirs undertones to be a bit off once you've decided to marry, blend families and have a step child living there almost half the week.

But hearing that your husband seems to have pushed the marriage and blending thing, whereas you were happier with separate properties and space, I can understand why you feel that way.

It sounds to me like this situation isn't working for you, and like other posters have said, it might be worth getting legal advice on where you stand should the marriage end. Out of interest, who funded the extension works?

Original poster

PradaBallbag · 04/04/2021 10:42

The extension costs got added to my mortgage which he now pays half of. It's messy. I had a huge amount of equity in the house before I even knew him. He had a house with only a small amount of equity.

OP posts:

Magda72 · 04/04/2021 12:23

My reading of this is that the dh keeps flouncing out because he CAN. And the reason he can is because there is two other adults in the house to take up the slack! In no other circumstance would anyone just walk out of a house & leave a 14 year old alone all day so in doing so the dh is absolutely in the wrong & is both using op & her dd.
How crap for a kid so come see his dad & then have his dad in a bad mood & flouncing off all weekend! The dh is being ridiculous & incredibly immature.

Original poster

PradaBallbag · 04/04/2021 12:38

@Magda72

My reading of this is that the dh keeps flouncing out because he CAN. And the reason he can is because there is two other adults in the house to take up the slack! In no other circumstance would anyone just walk out of a house & leave a 14 year old alone all day so in doing so the dh is absolutely in the wrong & is both using op & her dd. How crap for a kid so come see his dad & then have his dad in a bad mood & flouncing off all weekend! The dh is being ridiculous & incredibly immature.

There's the nuance which is upsetting him so much. That his son ' comes to see him.' He sees it as his son living here part time. The point I tried to make is that his son wouldn't come if he was not here. He tried to turn that around as being the same for my daughter. She has lived here for over 10 years and rarely sees her dad any more. But apparently me drawing this distinction is disrespectful of his kids.

OP posts:

dontdisturbmenow · 04/04/2021 12:50

The point I tried to make is that his son wouldn't come if he was not here
Well would your daughter still live there too if you didn't live there?

It comes out quite strikingly that you see the house as yours and your DD, with your DH a tenant and his DS a guest.

I don't blame him for feeling pushed away, I would too in his shoes. He deserves to feel at home at the residence he shares with his wife and that by default so does his son.

In all honesty, would you feel the sane if you'd moved into his house? Would you still tell him his son couldn't stay there if he wasn't?

Original poster

PradaBallbag · 04/04/2021 12:55

The house has been mine for over 10 years. My husband's kids only started staying here when he moved in with me. The house is in my name and I extended it to accommodate them all. Of course it's my husband's home. But if we weren't together his kids would not come here to stay. But my daughter would still live here regardless like she has for the last 10 years. You can dress it up however you like but that's a fact.

OP posts:

Original poster

PradaBallbag · 04/04/2021 12:56

And equally, when he had his own house, his kids only went to stay there when he was there.

OP posts:

dontdisturbmenow · 04/04/2021 13:08

But if we weren't together his kids would not come here to stay. But my daughter would still live here regardless like she has for the last 10 years
This argument in any case is irrelevant. Did his son insisted to go with his dad because he didn't want to be there without him? It sounds like not. He was told he had to get out. You made the decision that because he wouldn't otherwise come if his dad wasn't home, even in an exceptional, unplanned situation, he didn't have a say and needed to go.

Original poster

PradaBallbag · 04/04/2021 13:13

I would never ' tell him to get out'. And I didn't. I just suggested to my husband that if he was going out all day he might want to take SS with him as he's here to see him, not me, and he was due to go home that evening. In the world of MN that seems to have turned into me throwing him out of the house.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 04/04/2021 13:17

@PradaBallbag

Don't worry OP, there's very obviously a huge difference between suggesting it to his dad, and telling him directly to "get out".

Dancingsmile · 04/04/2021 13:21

All I read is that yet again a child is getting used as tool in an argument or a control mechanism and their feelings are immaterial it's the adults feelings that are all that's important.

The ss has two homes. It doesn't matter where he is told to spend more time they are still both his homes. You should be happy to be alone with him as he came as a package with your partner and your partner should want to spend as much time with him as possible.

If you argue so you need space from each other that's not a healthy relationship

excelledyourself · 04/04/2021 13:32

Thread after thread about his kids. You really should just split up.

Original poster

PradaBallbag · 04/04/2021 13:34

@excelledyourself

Thread after thread about his kids. You really should just split up.

I think you're confusing me with someone else.

OP posts:

Bouledeneige · 04/04/2021 13:37

It sounds like you didn’t really discuss the implications with your DP before getting married and there are quite a lot of implications - how you spend your time together, with your kids and how your assets are split.

If I were in your DH’s shoes I wouldn’t feel very welcome living in your and your daughter’s home and I’d be very anxious that my child who I only saw part time wasn’t being treated as part of the family and feeling welcome. I’d be worried that my DS would stop coming because it wasn’t a relaxed environment for them.

Maybe you should go for couples counselling to try and establish some ground rules that work for you both of you - with compromises on both sides?

dontdisturbmenow · 04/04/2021 13:37

I just suggested to my husband that if he was going out all day he might want to take SS with him as he's here to see him
Ok well that to me is passive aggressive behaviour. Why mention it in the first place? Surely if his DS wasn't happy to stay, he could have just ask to go with his dad. If your OH thought he might not want to be there without him, he could have asked his son.

It's hard not to interpret your words as a dig and clearly that's how your OH took it.

excelledyourself · 04/04/2021 13:39

No, I'm not. You mostly post about the older SS and your resentment of him is plain as day.

Original poster

PradaBallbag · 04/04/2021 13:40

@dontdisturbmenow

I just suggested to my husband that if he was going out all day he might want to take SS with him as he's here to see him Ok well that to me is passive aggressive behaviour. Why mention it in the first place? Surely if his DS wasn't happy to stay, he could have just ask to go with his dad. If your OH thought he might not want to be there without him, he could have asked his son.

It's hard not to interpret your words as a dig and clearly that's how your OH took it.

But he would have just gone off without saying anything to him. That's what he does. So how could he ask to go with him if he doesn't know he's going out?

OP posts:

noiremama · 04/04/2021 13:43

I think yabu slightly.

My mother was not the best step mum to my older brother (half in technical terms) but he was definitely allowed to stay in the house when my dad was at work etc?

MaMaD1990 · 04/04/2021 13:47

Would it really do any harm to let your SS stay in the house if his dad goes out? Yes DH is meant to be seeing SS but maybe SS would feel more valued if someone in the household welcomed him to stay if his dad wanted to go out solo? It can't be nice for him to hear (presumably) you both arguing about who 'gets him'. It's a bit of give and take but your DH needs to not just flounce off without his son and not tell him, that's just mean.

dontdisturbmenow · 04/04/2021 13:55

But he would have just gone off without saying anything to him. That's what he does. So how could he ask to go with him if he doesn't know he's going out?
Give him a ring, say he doesn't want to stay there on his own (which clearly he would have been at that time of he didn't see his dad going), and asked to be picked up, as teenagers are so good at doing when they are not happy with a situation.

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