Stepdads vs Stepmums feelings about stepchildren

[SandyY2K]

I was thinking how it seems like more SMs than SDs don't quite like or prefer it when their DSC aren't around I didn't want to hijack the other thread, so started this one.

Can any SD say how they feel about their SC? Do you prefer it when they're not at home?

As I don't expect many SDs are on here, if you have a DP/DH who is a stepdad to your kids, has he said he prefers it when your kids aren't there? Or if he hasn't said it, do you think he feels this way?

I said I wondered if that's because women tend to post on forums like this more, as I noticed an increasing amount of SMs have negative feelings about DSCs visitation.

The feelings vary, but can include, anxiety, resentment, feeling uncomfortable, on edge or just a preference for them not being there.

There was a feeling that it's different for Stepdads for different reasons on the other thread.

I found this comment (below) provides an alternative view from a Stepdad's perspective. Obviously, this is just one person's view.

Perhaps they've just resigned themselves to the fact they their options are limited.

If my DW and I split up, I would want another relationship. I still wouldn't really find childless women appealing because most of them want to have kids of their own and I am 100% done

That means I'd just be trading one set of annoying SC for a different set of annoying SC
It's not like I'd meet the woman with magical non-annoying children. That's just how children are, tbh.

So, my totally best move is to be happy with where I am, stop complaining and work to make this situation the best I can.

Are men just more practical about it?

I just think the dynamics are very different for a stepmum and a stepdad because of who they are in a relationship with, so this affects their feelings.

My brother’s stepchildren are now his children because he has adopted them and they now have our surname. The relationship they have has always been very strong.
My former stepchild was never my child and I felt nowhere near close to how my brother felt when he had the role of stepdad.
That’s because our experiences have been very different.
Due to him being in a relationship with an RP and minimal to no contact from the children’s father so it was very easy for him to form a family and household with very little to no outside influences. SIL is lovely and made it all worth it for him. Didn’t dump her kids on him.
Whereas I was in a relationship with an NRP, who was lazy and yeah dumped his child on me. Add to this a very involved mum who former dsc is obviously understandably very close to and loyal to, so I didn’t have that drive to form a motherly relationship like my brother wanted to form a fatherly relationship. The mum was also very overbearing and had so much influence over my household.

So yeah, different kettle of fish for stepmums really.

My new partner adores my son and I would never be with a person who doesn’t 100 percent loves my kid.

The majority of step children spend more time with their mum than their stepmum. The majority of step children also spend more time with their stepdad than their dad. This might be significant.

I think that there is a societal expectation that all women are nurturing and will do most of the domestic work. This coupled with the fact that a step mum is more likely to live with the NRP so the children being there isn't the norm can put more pressure on step mums.

However, all situations and families are different. You can't genaralise about how people feel. I think, to an extent, step parenting is luck. It depends on how the personalities and behaviours of the adults and the children fit together. That's why it's laughable when people say you know what you are getting into.

I agree that step situations can vary. The age of the kids, whether the both have their own kids. Whether the bio parent is in the picture. It's usually the dad who's an absent parent, so I expect that makes it easier for a SD, as he knows he'll have the child living there 100% of the time.

SIL is lovely and made it all worth it for him. Didn’t dump her kids on him.

I understand. It's such an entitled attitude to think you can dump your kids on your OH like your Ex did.

@Embra

My new partner adores my son and I would never be with a person who doesn’t 100 percent loves my kid.

That's nice to hear.

Just wondering - Do you think it's reasonable to expect him to love your child 100% like you do?

That's why it's laughable when people say you know what you are getting into.

To a degree this is true. However, I see situations before marriage, before living together, before kids come along and the new partner isn't happy with the SC coming over, or has experienced the psycho Ex and then remains in the relationship. It's not going to get better. The signs were there.

If on the other hand, everything was going smooth during the courtship and changed down the line, then the it couldn't have been predicted.

I think that there is a societal expectation that all women are nurturing and will do most of the domestic work.

Indeed. Time for women to kick back and set the tone with what they're willing to do with regards being a SM from the get go.

So if the dad is looking for a pt replacement mother....he can jog on.

I am not in this situation but what I think makes it different is :

Mental Load
Wifework expectations

A single Dad gets on with it as the RP or the NRP but in a relationship, men try and abdicate the above roles

If the Stepmum refused to take this on this oddly can breed resentment from the childs actual DM

If the Stepmum is happy to take it on, this can also breed resentment from the childs actual DM.

Basically

Many men have high expectations of women in relation to home and family life

Many women have low expectations of men in relation to home and family life

Many women believe they have "a good un" if he doesn't complain about "babysitting" his own DC once in a while, occasionally washes up or cooks, puts the bins out and isn't a cyclist.

We certainly struggle with each other's. I know he prefers it when they aren't here but they come first and I do 99% of the parenting

This is a bit of a generalisation but my thoughts are there are blokes that are happy to take up the SD role. Spend more time with their step kids than their own and possibly looking for somewhere to live / someone to help out with their kids when they visit / have contact time. This is something I personally would struggle with. I realise there are some father's that just walk away and in those circumstances fair enough I suppose, but I personally raise a quizzical eye when I hear about a SD 'taking on' someone else's kids. I often wonder about the wider context and how true this is.

There's then the other group of (bio Dad's) that are more likely to have their own place / see their kids in that place and be more wary of blending / how much involvement they have in the lives of another's kids and the balance with their own. I would definitely fall in this group and would look to have boundaries / be very careful about how the situation works for all and trying to make sure no one feels pushed out (I personally would hate to feel like I'm pushing out a bio parent).

I think with most blokes there's more just a practical acceptance of the situation. My exs partner sees my kids more than his own/I do and seems to fall into this former group. He's what would be described on MN as a cocklodger. But then he gets on with kids fine from what I understand although I dont think he does any real parenting and I know he adds a bit of stability that my ex lacks. His issue is his own ex is quite volatile and my ex is so there is a certain amount of schadenfreude in him balancing the demands two warring women.

It does appear that the bio mom / SM issue is (sometimes) two people expecting to get their own way and realising they can't when they are facing someone similar. Which is definitely the case with my ex and her new partners ex.

But repeating myself my comments are very much based on my experience and so can only be read in that context.

I should also add that when parents separate and Mom stays in family home with kids it does leave the Dad in a tricky place in terms of rehousing and having his kids, which certainly feeds into the SD dynamic. it does seem to be something overlooked on MN as its a more male issue.

Although societal differences in expectations placed on men and women is part of it, the main reason for the difference in experience is the DM. All studies show (for citations read Stepmonster / Psychology Today..etc) that the stepfather has the halo effect of being stamped with the full blessing and approval of the mum. Stepmother, especially if the mother is hostile, but even if just generally unhappy with the idea of another woman in her children’s lives, will imprint loyalty binds and disapproval. These two entirely different attitudes will shape the experience of the stepmother from the outset, but then exacerbated by all the expectations that the stepmother can make things better by loving them more (nope, all studies show this actually makes things worse as heightens loyalty binds in the children), when the power rests almost entirely in the hands of the mum as to the experience. Although of course other factors (such as behaviour of their partner, the dad) come into play, this is the major one that sets the scene from the outset.

As I said in the previous thread, I agree with previous comments about wife work etc and think that's definitely a part of it, but the main reason I think is that men wouldn't get into or stick around in a relationship with a RP if they didn't like the kids/it bothered them having them there, because they know they would be there almost all of the time. Whereas it is easier to get into the position of doing so when the contact arrangement is EOW so constitutes a proportionately small part of your life. The effects can then bleed into the rest of the time and make for an unpleasant experience, but by that point people are invested in their relationship and don't always leave.

Upthread, you asked a poster whether they thought it was reasonable to expect their partner to love their child as much as they do, which I think is interesting and also touches on another big factor. I actually don't think it is reasonable at all, but I've noticed a LOT of mum's seem to exhibit this intense, hard lined attitude when it comes to potential partners loving their kids and being willing to fulfil a certain role, and this will probably scare lots of them off, leaving only those who are fine with it. Men, I feel, are often not as upfront if these are the kind of views they hold to their female partners. It becomes apparent far later into the relationship.

Lastly, I think it's important not to underestimate that there are simply far more women than men on this site. It would be interesting to know how many men truly enjoy being a SD, but I don't think we can fairly judge that from MN, because there are not very many of them on here.

I think the dynamics are incredibly complex. Women expected to nurture and do the emotional work. Also the Wifework. Men take on no such responsibility. Also women derive their self esteem by how smoothly ‘relationships’ go. And of course step mums can’t be responsible for how relationships pan out, because the crucial people are in fact the parents. It’s not surprising it’s uncomfortable with a lot of ‘outsider’ vibes. Also loving someone else’s children as your own. Well that’s just not possible or necessary in my view. There’s a lot of unreasonable expectations in step mum land.

I don't think it's possible to love a step child like you do a child of your own. And I say that as a birth mum, a step mum and a mum who's daughter also has a step mum.

I think the relationships of step dads and step mums differ (in my experience) because in both my role as step mum and mum mum, the children are looked after by the mum for a larger percentage of the time. My daughter is at her dads and therefore around her step mum less than she is around her step dad.

Step parenting is much harder than parenting your own child. As much as you do love them, you don't love them unconditionally (and it's unreasonable to expect a step parent to), and the relationship is MUCH more complicated. Plus, as much as I know many excellent step parents, and I don't think I'm a bad on, step parents have a terrible reputation and are generally treated with contempt in a lot of situations, which is demonstrated on a lot of threads on MN generally.

Parents divorced and remarried when I was a teen. I get on really well with my step mother - she never tried to replace my mother or made me feel unwelcome in her home. She understood I needed tIme alone with my dad. My step father by contrast never made me welcome and ensured I never got to see my mother without him. He destroyed the relationship I had with my mother.

My brother is a happy step dad. I think there were a few reasons for this (some of which do not apply to the average step mum):

• he was in his DSD's life from when she was very young (2yo)
• she was with them almost full time and didn't see much of her dad. I think that can be easier than being in a nice routine and having to drop everything EOW when the DSC turn up
• he and his wife didn't have any kids of their own (by choice)

I have 2 kids and my DP has 2 kids.
Mine live with us close to full time BUT my partner is not expected to do anything for them. I am their mum and take on the full burden for them finically and physically.
I do all of their washing, cooking, packed lunches, pick ups and drop offs etc.
My DP does household chores that aren’t directly linked to my kids... the kind he’d have to do if he lived on his own like take the bins out, hoover, clean the bathrooms etc. We split these chores us, but anything directly directly for my children I do it.

His role as a “stepfather” is solely being in their company and being kind to them. That is all that seems to be expected of a lot of SDs to be honest.

Being a SM, especially if she has kids of her own, usually comes with the expectation that she lumps her SCs in with her own and also does all of the things she does for her own DCs for her SCs too.
This causes resentment and annoyance because she’s taking on the responsibility for children that aren’t her own and it can be overwhelming.

Luckily my DP and I discussed all of this in advance and so we have an agreement whereby he does all the cooking etc when his kids are here. It means I’m not overloaded and I get a bit of a break from the daily grind and he also enjoys being the main parent for the weekend and being the “provider”. I also think it models a good male relationship for his daughters and will hopefully help shape the type of men they end up in relationships with.

In short, far more seems to be expected of SMs than SDs in general. Women are expected to me nurturers and men providers in traditional roles, but society has moved on since then. But the misogyny lives on.

SDs are likely to have a better relationship with their SCs because it’s easy to like / enjoy the company of children when you have no responsibility for them.

SMs in general are expected to love the SCs, care for them, provide for them as it they were their own. All the while, quite often in the background the children’s actual mother (who is the RP and doing far more of the grunt work) and therefore she can end up resentful too. It must be awful having another woman “parent” your children.

So resentment builds on all sides often for the SM/ mother dynamic.

Disney parenting also plays a huge role in how much a SM can cope with. If NRP dad is happy for SM to raise her own kids with her own rules in their joint house but then not expect those rules to apply to the NR children when they visit, that causes so much friction for the family dynamic.

The knock on effect of this is huge. Luckily my DP gets it now, but the “different rules” for his kids used to cause so many ongoing issues for me raising my own children. “Why can they do that and I can’t?” Etc.

It’s much easier to develop a loving relationship when the other parent actual parents their children.

I can only speak to my own personal experience.

I am divorced mum, circa 60/40 children shared care with my exh. Very low levels of conflict, we co-parent amicably. He sees / speaks to our children whenever he/ they want, although of course there is a routine. My point however is that he knows he can see his children, that I support his relationship and role as father, that removes a lot of dysfunction.

My exp therefore had the following set of circumstances

• a partner who has a boundaried, low conflict relationship with the ExH.
• an exH (who as a result of the above), did not feel threatened with the introduction of a man to his children. As such, he was supportive of this man being in the life of his children
• because my exh and I took care of parenting our children, my exp had no real ‘parental’ role or responsibility. He essentially got a free ride when at mine. Fridge filled (by me), laundry / cleaning taken care of by the help, 3 nights a week of no kids being around.
• he therefore had a really easy ride, children and ex very accepting of him.
• the two men could be polite and exchange small talk leaving the children under zero conflict.

He had an amazing set up.

My exp’s set up?

• horrific high conflict and exceptionally manipulative ex wife (it kicked off when she found out he was dating me).
• court ordered contact only (he once got held up in traffic returning from a coastal holiday, informed the EXW, she called the police).
• so he can’t see his children/ speak to his children outside of what a court order allows. His EXW is intent on removing him from his kids lives. Her idea of hell is another woman being involved in her child’s life.
• the children as a result are surrounded by a lot of conflict and dysfucntion. Sadly of course their needs are heightened. And it’s very hard (for anyone) to build what I would call a healthy, secure and stable relationship.
• the children are not happy, relaxed children. They are awful to be around as a result. Intensely draining, insecure, needy and anxious.

So my summary? (And this part is also based on some other RL examples). Men (on the whole) will move on and accept another man being around their kids. They are less likely to cause conflict.

Women? On the whole a lot of them become intensely psychotic about the prospect of a woman influencing their child/ren. And do not support the relationship of her children/ another woman.

Ive haven’t seen my exp’s children for a very long time. Don’t miss them one bit.
He however misses mine and once covid lifts of he wants to take them for pizza that’s up to him/ them.
That’s nothing to do with me or him. And everything to do with the fact that my exh didn’t interfere with their bonding. He was allowed to build a relationship with them. His EXW did not support anything, so my bonding was hugely undermined. So why would I want to see them?

I will add. My life is a hundred times better without his toxic stress and drama in my life. All of that stress and drama? His exwife and children.

His life? Not so much. He had a lovely/ calm/ positive partnership with me. In a happy home.

If the positions were reversed? He would not have lasted two minutes and would have walked away years before I walked away from him. Women I think try a lot more. Are more loyal and also we know what the ex wives are up to. We know theyre trying to instigate a split.
I think that by the time a lot of women arrive on here, they’re at their wits end. Men? Would have left years before reaching the points women do.

We can learn a lot from how selfish and self serving some men are. Less nurturing/ loyalty. And more ‘what’s in it for me?’

I think SM sometimes feel negative about DSC due to the expectations society has for them...treat them like your own, be maternal while saying not to step on toes, try to replace mum, etc. It’s so contradictory!

I also think women are more bitchy and have to deal with exW!

If men are unhappy they leave.

If women are unhappy they “try harder”.

I don't think step mothers and step father's, in general, are comparable at all.

How often is a Step Dad expected to take on the lion's share of 'child work' when the children are at their home? I highly doubt it's as much as we see it being expected of Step Mother's on here.

The difference is that you often see women whether they are mother's or step mother's being expected to be the carer, to cook the meals, to wash the clothes, to make the packed lunches, to do the school runs, to look after the children and so on. I am yet to meet a step dad who does as much as you see most step mother's being expected to do in terms of actual parenting / childcare.

It's just another example of the societal expectations placed on women in general when it comes to children.

For example, I do loads for my step children, things I've not always actually wanted to do but that I've felt were expected of me and even pressured into doing by both my husband and his ex. She has often asked if I can help do X Y or Z. On the other hand, no one has ever asked or expected the same of her partner, he is allowed to have a certain amount of detachment from parenting and no one questions it, he's just great because he's nice to them whereas I'd be judged on how involved i am in things that really their parents should be doing.

Basically I imagine it works like this in most cases...

In mum's home she does most things for the children, cooks for them, baths them, puts to bed, buys their clothes, takes to school, makes packed lunch and everything else needed. Step Dad is fun and kind, makes them laugh, maybe plays a few games with them - he's great, amazing, taken on kids like his own.

In Dad's house, step mother cooks, cleans, helps with homework, helps with childcare when the parents are busy, joins in the school runs, makes the lunches etc etc... She's a cow because she dates to admit that she prefers it when they aren't there because she doesn't have to spend her time doing all of that.

I think if step mothers were allowed to have the kind of relationship that is expected of step father's a lot of the time, the issues with resentment would be far less and far between.

I think SM sometimes feel negative about DSC due to the expectations society has for them...treat them like your own, be maternal while saying not to step on toes, try to replace mum, etc. It’s so contradictory!

I agree. I found it very suffocating, being expected to love a child like my own and be maternal towards them, while also remembering “my place” and that the mum was my boss.

I also think women are more bitchy and have to deal with exW!

I agree with this too! My ex’s ex wife much preferred to have a go at me about things rather than ex. And yet she expected me to be super happy devoted stepmum when said the things she said to me! For example:
One morning when my ex was in bed snoring away, I was getting the children ready for school, and ds was really overwhelmed that morning (he has autism) so it was a bit of a chaotic morning. It completely slipped my mind to get a back to school photo of dsc that morning, even though I fully intended to do it. By the time I realised, dsc had already left.
Anyway, dsc’s mum had an absolute go at me for it! Her child’s FATHER was in bed not giving a shit and supporting any of us that morning ffs. And yet I was the one in the wrong. She brought up loads of shit like how just because dsc wasn’t mine I’m not bothered, and brought up the fact that I went out to the beach a few months before and didn’t invite dsc. It was fucking ridiculous, and just highlighted the very obvious fact that she focused her frustrations in the wrong direction every single bloody time.

I’ll put what I posted on the other thread here too.

On why stepfathers seem to struggle less despite greater contact time: I think it has a lot to do with the psychology of resident parents v nonresident parents. Resident parents, especially those with the lion’s share of the time with the child, usually just continue acting like standard parents [as opposed to ‘exceptional parents’]. They’re doing all the normal stuff and have normal routines and expectations for their children.

That is easier to live with than a guilt-ridden nonresident parent who decides to overcompensate by abandoning all attempts at parental authority and decides to treat every contact as a super special holiday. In fact, the resident parent (and her, as it usually is her, partner) probably dread the return of the spoiled, overtired children from EOW contact.

You can also add the usual gendered stuff to all of that too. Fathers are more likely to have been ‘fun parent’ even during the relationship, leaving all the work and actual parenting to the mother. Disney style NRFs are probably overrepresented in that group. The ones pulling their weight in the relationship are more likely to continue after it’s ended.

So you might end up with a guilt-ridden man who has only ever done the easy bits anyway who now parents entirely by exception (rather than as standard).

That makes for very disruptive EOW contact.

Whereas the children’s mother is just keeping on providing a stable life for her kids as the rule.