Stepdads vs Stepmums feelings about stepchildren

[SandyY2K]

I was thinking how it seems like more SMs than SDs don't quite like or prefer it when their DSC aren't around I didn't want to hijack the other thread, so started this one.

Can any SD say how they feel about their SC? Do you prefer it when they're not at home?

As I don't expect many SDs are on here, if you have a DP/DH who is a stepdad to your kids, has he said he prefers it when your kids aren't there? Or if he hasn't said it, do you think he feels this way?

I said I wondered if that's because women tend to post on forums like this more, as I noticed an increasing amount of SMs have negative feelings about DSCs visitation.

The feelings vary, but can include, anxiety, resentment, feeling uncomfortable, on edge or just a preference for them not being there.

There was a feeling that it's different for Stepdads for different reasons on the other thread.

I found this comment (below) provides an alternative view from a Stepdad's perspective. Obviously, this is just one person's view.

Perhaps they've just resigned themselves to the fact they their options are limited.

If my DW and I split up, I would want another relationship. I still wouldn't really find childless women appealing because most of them want to have kids of their own and I am 100% done

That means I'd just be trading one set of annoying SC for a different set of annoying SC
It's not like I'd meet the woman with magical non-annoying children. That's just how children are, tbh.

So, my totally best move is to be happy with where I am, stop complaining and work to make this situation the best I can.

Are men just more practical about it?

Perhaps I should also make it clear that DH refused for his son to have his surname hyphenated with his stepfather’s name (he was 10 at the time) and made it abundantly clear that he would not respect the stepfather for attempting to be a ‘father’ to his son. He felt it necessary in case his ex wife was to leave her third marriage and royally mess up DSS mind. Anyway DSS did live with his dad for a bit but mostly wanted to be near his half elder siblings which DH has respected throughout. They have a close father/son bond.

I have felt wary of trying to be a mother to DSS especially with all the toxic drama going on. I decided to go with an ‘involved adult who loves him role.’ When bio parents are still alive and active in a child’s life I think it’s the only respectful thing to do.

@EnoughnowIthink and there are thousands of women out there who use their children as weapons against their exes post separation.

What’s your point?

That ex wives are not some kind of homogeneous, parasitic group that need to be controlled?

I’m an exwife and I agree with you. I’m not parasitic. But then I didn’t think my exh needed to take me to court to see OUR children. Nor did I think it acceptable for me to assert when he could or could not see/ speak to OUR children.
Nor did I think it acceptable to assert conditions on him around what he could/ could not do when OUR children are with him, anymore than he can with me.

Sadly. My personal experience and that of my friendship group (not one of my separated / divorced male friends has the set up my exh has with me), tells me that there is however a definite tranche of deeply vindictive, damaged and controlling women who are exceptionally parasitic. And who do need controlling, by the family courts. As it appears it’s only with the involvement of a judge and that scrutiny being involved will many women allow a father to spend time with his children.

@EnoughnowIthink

That ex wives are not some kind of homogeneous, parasitic group that need to be controlled?

No they're not, and yet comments like "this is why step mum's get a bad name", as if they are a homogenous group, come up all the time. 🤷‍♀️

There are generalisations everywhere.

@daisyjgrey

I don't think it's possible to love a step child like you do a child of your own. And I say that as a birth mum, a step mum and a mum who's daughter also has a step mum.

I think the relationships of step dads and step mums differ (in my experience) because in both my role as step mum and mum mum, the children are looked after by the mum for a larger percentage of the time. My daughter is at her dads and therefore around her step mum less than she is around her step dad.

Step parenting is much harder than parenting your own child. As much as you do love them, you don't love them unconditionally (and it's unreasonable to expect a step parent to), and the relationship is MUCH more complicated. Plus, as much as I know many excellent step parents, and I don't think I'm a bad on, step parents have a terrible reputation and are generally treated with contempt in a lot of situations, which is demonstrated on a lot of threads on MN generally.

THIS!

You’ve got it spot on! Particularly the treatment of step parents.

@sassbott

I’m an exwife and I agree with you. I’m not parasitic. But then I didn’t think my exh needed to take me to court to see OUR children. Nor did I think it acceptable for me to assert when he could or could not see/ speak to OUR children. Nor did I think it acceptable to assert conditions on him around what he could/ could not do when OUR children are with him, anymore than he can with me.

Sadly. My personal experience and that of my friendship group (not one of my separated / divorced male friends has the set up my exh has with me), tells me that there is however a definite tranche of deeply vindictive, damaged and controlling women who are exceptionally parasitic. And who do need controlling, by the family courts. As it appears it’s only with the involvement of a judge and that scrutiny being involved will many women allow a father to spend time with his children.

I couldn't agree more

I disagree that SDs always have it easier. They do when it comes to the mental load and controlling ex partners but I believe they still have the same struggle with seeing dc being brought up in a way they don't believe to be best.

I know my DH gets annoyed with my DS (13) for the same/similar things his DS (7) does, but which roll off him as he's able to say - stop leaving other people to clean up your mess to his child and feels like he can't to mine. I've made it crystal clear to DH that he CAN say to my son stop swearing and shouting if he's swearing and shouting when playing online with friends but DH feels he can't as my sons 13 and not 7. DHs irritation doesn't have anywhere to go because he feels its not his place to give that quick - keep it down mate and if I'm in a different part of the house I can't hear it to deal with.

I do tell dss to eat nicely at the table/wipe his wee off the toilet seat and remind him of his one and only chore. DH backs me up 100% (now) but feels unable to do the same back. My irritations have dramatically decreased by being able to treat dss like I would my own in most things.

My DH says that my dc are really well behaved in general. When he talks to his male friends who are step dads he recounts their stories with horror at the disrespect from both the partner and her dc. In some ways this can make him feel quite bad about being irritated with my dss gaming/only doing a half job when taking recycling out or whatever as compared to his friends he has it really good. I have made it crystal clear to my dc that DH is as part of our home and family life as me and if he asks them to do something they do it. He just isn't able to do that yet. I'm also open about 'other peoples kids' and the annoyance they bring with the different ways they've been brought up. DH doesn't admit that my dc are annoying but I know they are sometimes in ways that I don't notice as to me its normal and to DH its not.

I don't expect DH to parent my teens, DH doesn't expect me to parent his DS. We both do things for each others dc as we're part of a family. DH will take my dc out mountain biking, I take his dss to the park. Dh will pick my dc up from their dads, I wash his dss clothes, we share cooking and housework mostly equally and it works most of the time. It will be a lot easier when all dc are grown up and living their own lives!

Like many others have said the dynamics are very complex but ime the dm is a major factor in how sms get on with sdc.
People in general/teachers etc. constantly comment on how 'normal' & well adjusted my dc (as the children of divorce are). When my eldest graduated uni last year he told me how astonished his friends were to see me, his full siblings, his dad, his sm & his half siblings all there getting on together as so many of them cannot have the two sides of their families meet! And I'm sorry to say but it seems that the majority of the time it is the dm causing the aggro. Like @sassbott I know of no one who has the sort of decent relationship I have with exh & his dw & the relationship we have has done our dc the world of good - so much so that people comment on it.
Fwiw it was NOT an easy relationship to establish. Exh hurt me massively, in multiple ways, & sm was the OW. However we all three managed to muddle through & sort ourselves out for the sake of the dc.
When I was with exdp his exw became a nightmare. No boundaries, no acceptance of exdp having moved on, no acceptance of me in her dc's lives, constant & consistent financial demands, told lies about me & my dc & bad mouthed us constantly. As a result his dc were very uncomfortable around me & my dc & I then started to back away from them as I had no intention of overly exposing my well adjusted dc to this incredibly toxic set up. They were not nice children to be around, yet I actually did feel very sorry for them as they were being shaped by their mother's bitterness & her inability to see exdp as a parent & not her personal servant.
Exdp however had a great relationship with my dc because
a) I expected nothing of him bar kindness. I parent my dc. I pull them up/correct them if needs be & when exdp was around I was sensitive to his needs and would speak to my dc if I felt it was needed.
b) my children are open, happy (for the most part) people who are very secure in their knowledge of who their mum & dad are & so accept their sm (& exdp when he was dp) as extra adults in their lives.
I fairness to exdp he never expected me to do wifework with his dc - he did all that - BUT he did do the whole 'red carpet role out & they can't possibly be corrected' thing & expected me to to the same.

I get the Disney parenting thing but is it realistic to expect contact time EOW to look the same as having the kids the majority of the time.

@stout01 - I get this but it's also one of my major bug bears. Of course EOW will not look the same as majority parenting but if you (not you specifically) choose to split with/divorce someone then you have to accept the consequences of that decision and seeing dc less is one of the major consequences of that decision. It bewilders me how people choose to divorce & then bang on (both mums & dads) about how much they miss their dc when they're not around!!! And not seeing your dc all the time does not mean they have to be treated like rockstars when you do. In the early days I used to feel that exh wasn't always giving our dc enough attention but once I met exdp I realised exh's approach was actually far better for dc in the long run. Ours got used to the dynamics and segued into seeing both households as normal & mundane whereas exdp's dc treated him like the second coming & time with him as a license to do/get whatever they wanted. I'm still in touch with exdp & things are no better - he's still 'the entertainment' & atm for a 21, 18 & 15 year old.
This specific dynamic also majorly contributes to so many sm's tearing their hair out - two people split/divorce & then somehow try to make the consequences of that divorce everyone else's problem instead of working together to get THEIR children through it and out the far side.
That dynamic of tricky, demanding mum with no boundaries, & dad avoiding conflict with both her & his dc is TOXIC & honestly I would lock my daughter up if I ever saw her involved in a situation like that.

@Shinesun14

I disagree that SDs always have it easier. They do when it comes to the mental load and controlling ex partners but I believe they still have the same struggle with seeing dc being brought up in a way they don't believe to be best.

I know my DH gets annoyed with my DS (13) for the same/similar things his DS (7) does, but which roll off him as he's able to say - stop leaving other people to clean up your mess to his child and feels like he can't to mine. I've made it crystal clear to DH that he CAN say to my son stop swearing and shouting if he's swearing and shouting when playing online with friends but DH feels he can't as my sons 13 and not 7. DHs irritation doesn't have anywhere to go because he feels its not his place to give that quick - keep it down mate and if I'm in a different part of the house I can't hear it to deal with.

I do tell dss to eat nicely at the table/wipe his wee off the toilet seat and remind him of his one and only chore. DH backs me up 100% (now) but feels unable to do the same back. My irritations have dramatically decreased by being able to treat dss like I would my own in most things.

My DH says that my dc are really well behaved in general. When he talks to his male friends who are step dads he recounts their stories with horror at the disrespect from both the partner and her dc. In some ways this can make him feel quite bad about being irritated with my dss gaming/only doing a half job when taking recycling out or whatever as compared to his friends he has it really good. I have made it crystal clear to my dc that DH is as part of our home and family life as me and if he asks them to do something they do it. He just isn't able to do that yet. I'm also open about 'other peoples kids' and the annoyance they bring with the different ways they've been brought up. DH doesn't admit that my dc are annoying but I know they are sometimes in ways that I don't notice as to me its normal and to DH its not.

I don't expect DH to parent my teens, DH doesn't expect me to parent his DS. We both do things for each others dc as we're part of a family. DH will take my dc out mountain biking, I take his dss to the park. Dh will pick my dc up from their dads, I wash his dss clothes, we share cooking and housework mostly equally and it works most of the time. It will be a lot easier when all dc are grown up and living their own lives!

Is your dh close to your 13 year old son?

I do think stepmums are stuck in between a rock and a hard place. Do everything but remember you're not the Mum and nothing will ever be good enough and please get used to coming last.

It's not a job I'd take on or would of in my youth. I'm seperated and can't imagine having a full time partner. Honestly in time I'll probably date someone when thier Dad has contact time. All the fun none of the responsibility. I would not be keen on playing the wicked stepmother on my days off.

@Salarymallory he's quite awkward with him tbh. They do get on but they're not close. Ds likes him but likes his own social life more. DH is going to have him as an apprentice for his business when he finishes his GCSEs. He's not horrible to him at all, they're just not close. My dd is closer to DH as she enjoys mountain biking with him and they go off to different trails, my ds would go but doesn't always want too. I don't expect my dh to be a dad to my ds although it would be nice if he made more effort for a relationship - but again feels awkward as he hated his stepdad growing up and doesn't want ds to feel like that about him.

It’s the lack of closeness that stops him from being comfortable telling his SS to stop swearing whilst playing computer games
When you are close and comfortable with someone - you can express yourself because

I hate having to tell my DSC off because it feels so loaded. There’s a pretty big age gap between them and my eldest DC. Sometimes DSC will copy age-appropriate childish behaviour that I tolerate in the little ones, and I have to squash it in the DSC because it’s not okay for preteens to behave like three year olds. And things like me having rice cakes in my bag for my two, to stave off any hangry tantrums, but then it feels loaded because why haven’t I brought snacks for the DSC. Well, they’re older and can last an hour and a half journey without needing to eat something, and if they do, they can ask DH, so why do I feel like the bad guy?

Or for example, the time when I was looking after all of them on my own when my youngest was a newborn and I had creeping PND. My two year old at the time had pooed themselves and my 9 year old at the time DSC was crying about forgetting their PE kit and I just had to ignore the 9 year old and deal with the poo (with a screaming newborn strapped to me in a sling + leaky boobs). And all the time I’m very aware that in DSC’s head this is getting translated as ‘RUOK is ignoring me crying because her DCs are more important’ when the truth was that I wasn’t even supposed to be looking after them that day but their mum was in Ibiza.

It feels like there’s always a subtext and I always have to second guess everything I do and think how it might be misinterpreted. The emotional and cognitive labour of that is exhausting.

I know this is supposed to be a thread about SDs! So, yeah, I guess most SDs never feel like that?

There’s a difference between men and women so of course they approach Step-parenting differently?!? To many variables to comment on a negative post like this.

@Latentphase

It’s the reason our relationship is on its last legs (I refuse to move in and join in his enabling of her) so that puts me in evil step mum category. And I refuse to take that on.

@Fucket

I would really caution against anyone getting too involved with stepchildren unless you’re going to formally adopt them.

I agree with this to a point. When you have no legal right to see the child if you split up, getting overinvested and overly attached can be emotionally difficult on the child as well.

Those stepchildren now have a 3rd ‘daddy’ but are all adults now.

This is why I'm very against kids calling stepparents mum or dad, especially when when their own parents are in their lives.

They had a dad they saw regularly EOW, so there wasn't a no need to call your DH daddy. Bio parents should think carefully, rather than encourage it. It's confusing for the children, when daddy disappears from their lives after a relationship or marriage breakdown.

@Shinesun14

I disagree that SDs always have it easier. They do when it comes to the mental load and controlling ex partners but I believe they still have the same struggle with seeing dc being brought up in a way they don't believe to be best.

I do agree with this. In the same way that many SM feel the dad is too soft on the kids, some SDs feel the same. Perhaps they're just not as vocal about it, even on anonymous forums.

I do agree with this. In the same way that many SM feel the dad is too soft on the kids, some SDs feel the same. Perhaps they're just not as vocal about it, even on anonymous forums

I do know I’m insanely lucky on how close my partner’s parenting philosophy is to mine, and it would be much harder otherwise.

Although she absolutely grilled me on it during the dating phase to be honest, quite happy to scare me off if that’s what it achieved.

@sassbott

I’m an exwife and I agree with you. I’m not parasitic. But then I didn’t think my exh needed to take me to court to see OUR children. Nor did I think it acceptable for me to assert when he could or could not see/ speak to OUR children. Nor did I think it acceptable to assert conditions on him around what he could/ could not do when OUR children are with him, anymore than he can with me.

Sadly. My personal experience and that of my friendship group (not one of my separated / divorced male friends has the set up my exh has with me), tells me that there is however a definite tranche of deeply vindictive, damaged and controlling women who are exceptionally parasitic. And who do need controlling, by the family courts. As it appears it’s only with the involvement of a judge and that scrutiny being involved will many women allow a father to spend time with his children.

This 100%

I know this to be the case from my own experience. But as it's perpetrated against a group that are generally allowed to be treated shoddily it's not discussed more seriously.

I got quoted between 3 and 8k today for legal representation through the child access process. I joked no wonder so many Dads don't see their kids. I realise you can self represent but it's not advisable.

A system that rewards reducing over night says for child maintenance and doesn't even consider criminal behaviours because they don't fall under the 'safe guarding ' issues bracket when it comes to an individual's character.

You can self represent, but I would say it depends on what actually is going on. And whether the party on the other side is playing dirty/ what’s at stake.

If you’ve been around the block a few times, writing up witness statements etc becomes a breeze as do submitting court applications etc. Judges also have to recognise the fact that someone representing themselves won’t know procedure / case law so can tend to go easier.

But if they’re more serious proceedings and you’re trying to achieve something like ‘lives with both parents’ order / a 50/50 order, then yes. You have a much better chance with legal representation.

Costs can be kept down via a direct access barrister, however that then leaves you with a lot of admin / prep to still do. And they’re harder to find.

My DH is a step dad to my ds from the age of 2 he is now almost 13. DS has his moments and has been challenging with behaviour typical preteen and sometimes its a nice break when he goes to his dads but to be honest I think DH is alot more patient tbh than I am. DS was threatened by a group of lads and DH was the first one out there to defend DS, hes like another dad to him and DH considers him one of the kids.

@Newlevelsoftiredness

I do know I’m insanely lucky on how close my partner’s parenting philosophy is to mine, and it would be much harder otherwise.

Although she absolutely grilled me on it during the dating phase to be honest, quite happy to scare me off if that’s what it achieved.

Considering that different parenting styles is a big area of contention, I'd say it was very wise of her.

@sassbott

I’m an exwife and I agree with you. I’m not parasitic. But then I didn’t think my exh needed to take me to court to see OUR children. Nor did I think it acceptable for me to assert when he could or could not see/ speak to OUR children.
Nor did I think it acceptable to assert conditions on him around what he could/ could not do when OUR children are with him, anymore than he can with me.

Absolutely. Once you have to go to court to sort out visitation for your kids, there's usually a problem.

If you have 2 reasonable parents who have the best interests of their children at the forefront, you wouldn't need a court to order to set a visitation schedule out.

I think I’m just really lucky with regards to my DH who is a SD to my eldest. He loves him like his own (we have 2 children together and have discussed this a few times) although I have been clear I didn’t expect him to have those same feelings and understand that. He has always chosen to treat DS1 like his own with regards to money, childcare and anything that effects the family unit.

We currently have a 50:50
Custody split with my ex (although that’s only been since covid to limit so much moving between houses each week) so it’s not just because he’s around DS1 more. He does more than his fair share of what I guess comes under wifework. He covers childcare for DS1 and our other children, does the school runs, takes DS1 to his spots clubs (pre covid) cooks, does athe kids washing. Spends time helping DS1 with homework / home schooling, we both need track of important appointments. They do stuff together (Pokémon go) and they go go karting together too (DH drives him miles so he can do it)

My ex made it very difficult for my DH (even tho his left me for ow who is now DS1 “not step mum” because she doesn’t consider herself one who I’ve only ever been friendly and polite to and I met DH 4 years later) and often DS1 comes home saying my dad doesn’t like you or my dad doesn’t like when you answer the door he hates seeing you. So DH tries to respect that and does have some boundaries but he still sees us as a whole family unit regardless of blood.

often DS1 comes home saying my dad doesn’t like you or my dad doesn’t like when you answer the door he hates seeing you

You shouldn’t let your son talk to your DH like that. What possible purpose could it serve to tell him things like that? It’s so unnecessarily divisive.

@Fucket

Perhaps I should also make it clear that DH refused for his son to have his surname hyphenated with his stepfather’s name (he was 10 at the time) and made it abundantly clear that he would not respect the stepfather for attempting to be a ‘father’ to his son. He felt it necessary in case his ex wife was to leave her third marriage and royally mess up DSS mind. Anyway DSS did live with his dad for a bit but mostly wanted to be near his half elder siblings which DH has respected throughout. They have a close father/son bond.

I have felt wary of trying to be a mother to DSS especially with all the toxic drama going on. I decided to go with an ‘involved adult who loves him role.’ When bio parents are still alive and active in a child’s life I think it’s the only respectful thing to do.

Presumably the step fathers surname was his ex wife’s surname, hence her wanting the hyphen?

@Vodkabulary

I think I’m just really lucky with regards to my DH who is a SD to my eldest. He loves him like his own (we have 2 children together and have discussed this a few times) although I have been clear I didn’t expect him to have those same feelings and understand that. He has always chosen to treat DS1 like his own with regards to money, childcare and anything that effects the family unit.

We currently have a 50:50
Custody split with my ex (although that’s only been since covid to limit so much moving between houses each week) so it’s not just because he’s around DS1 more. He does more than his fair share of what I guess comes under wifework. He covers childcare for DS1 and our other children, does the school runs, takes DS1 to his spots clubs (pre covid) cooks, does athe kids washing. Spends time helping DS1 with homework / home schooling, we both need track of important appointments. They do stuff together (Pokémon go) and they go go karting together too (DH drives him miles so he can do it)

My ex made it very difficult for my DH (even tho his left me for ow who is now DS1 “not step mum” because she doesn’t consider herself one who I’ve only ever been friendly and polite to and I met DH 4 years later) and often DS1 comes home saying my dad doesn’t like you or my dad doesn’t like when you answer the door he hates seeing you. So DH tries to respect that and does have some boundaries but he still sees us as a whole family unit regardless of blood.

You don’t say whether your DH has biological children?