Stepdads vs Stepmums feelings about stepchildren

[SandyY2K]

I was thinking how it seems like more SMs than SDs don't quite like or prefer it when their DSC aren't around I didn't want to hijack the other thread, so started this one.

Can any SD say how they feel about their SC? Do you prefer it when they're not at home?

As I don't expect many SDs are on here, if you have a DP/DH who is a stepdad to your kids, has he said he prefers it when your kids aren't there? Or if he hasn't said it, do you think he feels this way?

I said I wondered if that's because women tend to post on forums like this more, as I noticed an increasing amount of SMs have negative feelings about DSCs visitation.

The feelings vary, but can include, anxiety, resentment, feeling uncomfortable, on edge or just a preference for them not being there.

There was a feeling that it's different for Stepdads for different reasons on the other thread.

I found this comment (below) provides an alternative view from a Stepdad's perspective. Obviously, this is just one person's view.

Perhaps they've just resigned themselves to the fact they their options are limited.

If my DW and I split up, I would want another relationship. I still wouldn't really find childless women appealing because most of them want to have kids of their own and I am 100% done

That means I'd just be trading one set of annoying SC for a different set of annoying SC
It's not like I'd meet the woman with magical non-annoying children. That's just how children are, tbh.

So, my totally best move is to be happy with where I am, stop complaining and work to make this situation the best I can.

Are men just more practical about it?

@Tiredoftattler how much have you interacted with the Uk family court system, family court judges, Cafcass and barristers as you make statements about old school traditional views?

My take is you haven’t otherwise you wouldn’t
Say what you have. The reality is that the vast majority of the system still favours mothers. The biases in the system are huge. The closed door system of the family court means absolutely vile behaviour can go on in those courts with very little repercussions outside of it. It’s soul destroying to witness.

And this is not about preparation. How is someone meant to prepare for their spouse cheating and/or leaving?

This is an excerpt from Family Matters on the Irish Citizens information website - the first port of call for many when researching legal matters.
Problem no. 1 - the language used - Divorced Spouse!
A 'divorced spouse' is an oxymoron & doesn't exist. If you are divorced you are an EX spouse. No wonder so many exes still believe themselves to be 'married'!
Problem no. 2 - the implication that you as a divorced EX spouse are not financially responsible for your own dc. Your financial recourse is to either have your ex paying or your new spouse! This is MADNESS!
This very language supports the old trope that the first family is the only real family & that remarrying could possibly be a bad thing as the existence of your new spouse may negate you being able to 'go after' your ex spouse after the fact.
Despite divorce becoming more and more common in Ireland the legislative language around the whole process is archaic, damaging & wholly unsupportive of people moving on.

That should read " financially responsible for yourself & your own dc".

@Magda72

Sorry I answered that thinking it was aimed at me - maybe it was aimed *@Tiredoftattler*?

Yeah not you Magda.

Tiredoftattler is from the US, she’s said on other threads

I often think Tatter must be from Vulcan. She reminds me of Spock

Ultimately the issue is about power and control. What I can't fathom and understand is how can somebody who has been in a relationship for over 15 years together have so little respect for their ex partner.

When relationships end badly, it's not uncommon for both parties not to have respect for each other. It's not gender specific.

You will often hear women say "he left because she was cheating.," as though that excuses his/her failure to make adequate financial preparation to house and support his or her children.

I agree that the reason is irrelevant, but financial difficulties after a relationship breakdown are to be expected. Many people wouldn't set out to be a lone parent because of the cost and they start a family based on 2 incomes.

@SpaceshiptoMars
If you live in the UK 42+% of all marriages end in divorce and 62 % of those divorce filings are initiated by women. You do not need a crystal ball to tell you that marriage for almost half of all married couples do not have a happy ending.

I do not purchase health insurance, auto insurance, or home owners insurance because I have some crystal ball warning me of some upcoming health crisis , auto collision , or property damage. I have all of these things because it is prudent to be prepared.

If I was proactive in preparation for some health or property event, why would I have been less than prudent in preparing for the financial well being of my children? They matter much more to me than my car ,home , or any other property that I own.

I could nor predict that my marriage was going to end in divorce, but I could and did prepare to be able to adequately support the number of children that I chose to have if circumstances required me to do so.

I knew that their father was a good and caring man, but had he been a deadbeat, I was prepared and capable of supporting my 2 children with no support from him.

Personally, I felt that if I decided to have a child that I needed to be in a position to provide a good quality of life for that child regardless of what anyone else might contribute.

My daughter is growing up hearing on a regular basis that she needs to be prepared to support any life that she brings into this world. I have reminded her of this since the first time that she spoke the words" when I have a daughter ,I am going to name her x". She was only 8 years old, but from that moment on she knew that having a child created an obligation for which she needed to be prepared.

I tell my son the same thing. They don't need crystal balls; they need clear thinking and proper preparation.

We as adults can deal with the emotional pain of a divorce far better than our children can deal with the financial disruption caused by the lack of preparation.

If you want something to predict your future, just look at the divorce statistics in your country. That can give you some clues.

@SandyY2K

Ultimately the issue is about power and control. What I can't fathom and understand is how can somebody who has been in a relationship for over 15 years together have so little respect for their ex partner.

When relationships end badly, it's not uncommon for both parties not to have respect for each other. It's not gender specific.

You will often hear women say "he left because she was cheating.," as though that excuses his/her failure to make adequate financial preparation to house and support his or her children.

I agree that the reason is irrelevant, but financial difficulties after a relationship breakdown are to be expected. Many people wouldn't set out to be a lone parent because of the cost and they start a family based on 2 incomes.

I think the theme on this thread though is that the issue here is quite gender specific.

I do not purchase health insurance, auto insurance, or home owners insurance because I have some crystal ball warning me of some upcoming health crisis , auto collision , or property damage. I have all of these things because it is prudent to be prepared.
@Tiredoftattler

Take a close look at the fine print in those policies. They do not cover every eventuality. They do not even cover that which they state in plain english! (As many businesses have discovered here during the pandemic).

Many jobs, necessary for the good functioning of society, do not pay well enough and are not secure enough to permit extra insurance payments. Do you expect only the rich to breed? Traditionally, the wider family has taken the place of insurance. In tragedy and war, both solutions may fail.

Many jobs, necessary for the good functioning of society, do not pay well enough and are not secure enough to permit extra insurance payments. Do you expect only the rich to breed? Traditionally, the wider family has taken the place of insurance. In tragedy and war, both solutions may fail.

I agree with this. Tattler's assumption seems to be that the only people who should have children are those that could easily afford to continue their current lifestyle with absolutely no concessions required on each of their incomes alone. Admirable as that is, it's not practical for most parents.

@Stout01

I think the theme on this thread though is that the issue here is quite gender specific.

Yes, it was about gender, but specifically about stepmums vs stepdads feelings towards stepchildren.

It's derailed to being about the unreasonable behaviour of Ex wives and finances.

I'm not sure if the reason for these responses is that SMs feelings towards SC are as a result of the financial situation their DPs are in following divorce and the difficult Ex wife, which cause negative feelings towards the stepchildren.

I'm not sure if the reason for these responses is that SMs feelings towards SC are as a result of the financial situation their DPs are in following divorce and the difficult Ex wife, which cause negative feelings towards the stepchildren
I’ll admit to feeling less thang positive when I watched then DP struggle to find an acceptable flat to rent at his budget. He was “overpaying” maintainance to the tune of around £200 pcm but didn’t have a decent place for his daughter to stay with him (he rented a room from a friend when I met him and they were selling up). As ex had a habit of stopping contact when the mood struck I can’t say I blame him for not wanting to cut the maintenance, although my argument was why would a loving mother want her child to not have a safe place to stay with her father? DSD was waking about in branded everything and a member of every club going so it’s not as if the ex was short.
Anyway, he eventually struck gold and was there until her moved in with me but it was very trying to observe it play out.

I'm not sure if the reason for these responses is that SMs feelings towards SC are as a result of the financial situation their DPs are in following divorce and the difficult Ex wife, which cause negative feelings towards the stepchildren.

Not all SMs are SMs because of divorce.

I think the finance thing does play a part. The fact is two households cost more money to run the one and so in the event of a divorce most people are unable to carry on the same lifestyle as before. In a lot of cases the NRP is expected to bear the brunt of the financial implications so the children don't have to move house or suffer. I am not saying that this is wrong but I can see why a SM might feel a bit resentful if she and her DP can't afford to go on holiday / live in a nice house etc. if there is an ex who is a SAHM and does not want to get a job and expects to be supported in this.

Not all SMs are SMs because of divorce.

Obviously not. I was referring to the responses in this thread speaking about the Ex and finances/housing.

I know that there are many SMs, where the SC was as a result of a ONS or very brief relationship and negative feelings towards SC are nothing to do with divorce.

Actually, Sandy, what I had in mind was bereavement.

Different pressures, but still the need to house strangers under one roof. The SM didn't get to do the pregnancy tests, the scans, the first kicks etc, nor did they bf or learn to recognize the meaning of every little sigh and cry. Connection has to be grown, and unless space is well thought out, people can feel too crowded together - both kids and step-parents. You need the gaps between to come back together and get comfortable in each other's company.

Other people dictating to you how your home should be run, also. The pressure of the majority vote, the older children holding out for the sacredness of Mum's ways - like an ex, but eating at your table!

@SpaceshiptoMars
I am no where near suggesting that only the rich should breed. Actually, the rich are not the ones who need to be responsible breeders. They can likely support any number of children that they have.

It is those of us who must live within our means that need to reproduce responsibly. I am no where close to rich, but on my own I can adequately support and educate 2 children. Having more would have meant that I was willing to pass my obligation on to my wider extended family and possibly other social resources none of home had any say or involvement in my reproductive decisions.

Saying that women should be capable of assuming full responsibility for their reproductive decisions simply means that we should have only the number of children for whom we are emotionally and financially capable of supporting.

It has nothing to do with being rich but everything to do with being responsible.

@FishyFriday

I’ll put what I posted on the other thread here too.

On why stepfathers seem to struggle less despite greater contact time: I think it has a lot to do with the psychology of resident parents v nonresident parents. Resident parents, especially those with the lion’s share of the time with the child, usually just continue acting like standard parents [as opposed to ‘exceptional parents’]. They’re doing all the normal stuff and have normal routines and expectations for their children.

That is easier to live with than a guilt-ridden nonresident parent who decides to overcompensate by abandoning all attempts at parental authority and decides to treat every contact as a super special holiday. In fact, the resident parent (and her, as it usually is her, partner) probably dread the return of the spoiled, overtired children from EOW contact.

You can also add the usual gendered stuff to all of that too. Fathers are more likely to have been ‘fun parent’ even during the relationship, leaving all the work and actual parenting to the mother. Disney style NRFs are probably overrepresented in that group. The ones pulling their weight in the relationship are more likely to continue after it’s ended.

So you might end up with a guilt-ridden man who has only ever done the easy bits anyway who now parents entirely by exception (rather than as standard).

That makes for very disruptive EOW contact.

Whereas the children’s mother is just keeping on providing a stable life for her kids as the rule.

Totally agree with all of this, I think Fishy has hit the nail on the head completely.

@Bibidy
I agree that in most instances, post divorce or separation ,that much or even most of the day to day responsibility falls on the mother and that is yet another reason why women should reproduce responsibly.

@SandyY2K as @KylieKoKo says I think the issue is that there is still an expectation that the man will bear the brunt of the financial fall out of divorce and that is a very gendered issue.
I think a lot of women who are on here as sms do have huge levels of frustration with this. I know I myself did & honestly it had nothing to do with resenting exdp paying maintenance & nothing to do with resenting the dc. What got to me was the attitude his exw, dc & family had that post divorce it was somehow his responsibility & his alone, to financially provide EVERYTHING for his 'first family'. This left exdp solely paying for a family set up he was no longer a part of & with no resources to establish a new life for himself independent of his exw.
I genuinely feel this is a massive issue across the board.

I'm not sure what the answer is but I think mothers not working is a huge problem. It's a problem for their spouses, their ex spouses, their dc & also themselves. I think a society where mothers are as expected to work as fathers is a preferable one, but this cannot be achieved until governments are more supportive of working parents on a myriad of levels.
There is little point in countries 'allowing' Divorce but then not ensuring structures are in place to make both parents equally responsible for the rearing of their dc, as this inequality means a lot of people end up trapped in the remnants of an unhappy marriage years after divorcing - & yes this causes massive resentment.
Many of the sms on here are, like myself, working women. And many of us are also divorced with dc. Our frustrations stem from the fact that we work to support our dc & while we receive maintenance (I'm aware not all do) from our exhs/partners we do not RELY on it to feed, clothe & house our dcs or ourselves. This financial independence leaves us free to move on with our lives as it does our exes & this freedom to move on & be happy benefits dc no end.
It is therefore majorly frustrating to meet men who are still 'stuck' in their old lives because their dependent exes use finances to control their relationships with their dc. Imo men like this may as well not be divorced or separated. I learned this the hard way as have many on here.
It came as a total shock to me how many women refuse point blank to take financial responsibility for themselves & their dc - it's archaic & gendered & is the main cause of subsequent relationships not thriving imo.

I actually do think you have a point re finances, TiredofTattler.

I wouldn't expect people to necessarily be prepared in advance just in case their marriage failed as it's just not doable for most - not least women who are SAHM or very part time in order to look after the children, they just don't have the money to put aside.

BUT I do note that a lot of women expect to continue with the same financial support from their ex as when they were still together - ie be able to continue not working/working only 2 days a week (or whatever) and also continue living in the family home and also continue with everyone doing the same activities as before...and for a really long time.

They don't consider that their ex's financial contribution is meant to be for 50% of the child's expenses, not a contribution towards the child(ren) and her. RPs still have a responsibility to support themselves, even if it means sharing the children's dad more equally to facilitate work.

@Magda72 Completely agree with everything you've said above and it's what I was trying to get at it my last comment too.

I think a lot of women are very ready to give up work and just stay home when they have children, even though they know it means they are 100% financially reliant on their partners which is a huge, huge risk.

But even after a split, so many still feel that their ex should financially support them, even if it's to the detriment of their own children when they're with their dad as he can't afford a decent place to live or to do anything nice with them.

Fundamentally though, it’s a different situation.

Stepdads tend to live with the kids as a family. So see the kids most days, involved with their lives, know them well enough to have little arguments or tellings off without having to go a week not seeing them to resolve it. The kids are part of the daily routine and having them around isn’t a massive disruption.

For step mums it tends to be an EOW situation so there isn’t that opportunity to become as involved. People complain about “disney dad” but when you see kids weekly and argument is difficult to have and resolve in that time.

Then you have housing, not many are lucky enough to be able to afford somewhere where stepchildren can have their own rooms to lie empty most of the time. So then it doesn’t feel like “home”. Little thing like not being able to wander around in a dressing gown.

Then you have the boundaries- kids “already have a mum”, yet dads are seen as less involved so stepdads are more likely to move into that parental role.

I know I have a massively different relationship to people I live with compared to those I see less frequently.

SpaceshiptoMars

Actually, Sandy, what I had in mind was bereavement.

There are many different ways it can happen that one becomes a SM/SF I totally get that. The list wouldn't be exhaustive if I started did one.