Stepdads vs Stepmums feelings about stepchildren

[SandyY2K]

I was thinking how it seems like more SMs than SDs don't quite like or prefer it when their DSC aren't around I didn't want to hijack the other thread, so started this one.

Can any SD say how they feel about their SC? Do you prefer it when they're not at home?

As I don't expect many SDs are on here, if you have a DP/DH who is a stepdad to your kids, has he said he prefers it when your kids aren't there? Or if he hasn't said it, do you think he feels this way?

I said I wondered if that's because women tend to post on forums like this more, as I noticed an increasing amount of SMs have negative feelings about DSCs visitation.

The feelings vary, but can include, anxiety, resentment, feeling uncomfortable, on edge or just a preference for them not being there.

There was a feeling that it's different for Stepdads for different reasons on the other thread.

I found this comment (below) provides an alternative view from a Stepdad's perspective. Obviously, this is just one person's view.

Perhaps they've just resigned themselves to the fact they their options are limited.

If my DW and I split up, I would want another relationship. I still wouldn't really find childless women appealing because most of them want to have kids of their own and I am 100% done

That means I'd just be trading one set of annoying SC for a different set of annoying SC
It's not like I'd meet the woman with magical non-annoying children. That's just how children are, tbh.

So, my totally best move is to be happy with where I am, stop complaining and work to make this situation the best I can.

Are men just more practical about it?

How is meghan markle on a step parenting thread? Wtaf does Meghan have to do with step parenting? 😂😂😂😂

@KylieKoKo

Don't you know *@Magda72*, Megan Markle is to blame for everything.

Basically this is why sassbott.

Channeling the late great Caroline Ahearne, you could just ask What is it about this successful, confident, intelligent, driven and beautiful woman that rubs so many up the wrong way?

.

I think a lot of this stems from the most common set up in split families where dc stay mum and so Step dads live with them almost full time. They then stay with dad every other weekend and so step mums feel this as invasive rather than the status quo. Even in cases where the split in more 50/50 I've seen comments from SM where they still see the sc mums house as their main house and the sc visiting their dads house.

I disagree with this ^^

I think dc normally will have a main place which is ‘home’ which has all their stuff plus wellies, stashes of old things, normally with mum thought doesn’t need to be. And then their other parents’ house. And that’s healthy for kids. I think it’s not necessary to replicate the other set up. I think much unnecessary angst goes into making things ‘as much of a home’ in each house. That’s often more about parental guilt than children’s needs.

And to everything being Meghan Markle’s fault.

Agree with @Magda72 that often women are labelled ‘territorial’ when in fact men are failing to step up in their relationships (the ex, the dc, the appropriate prioritising of the new relationship).

When men try and keep a low profile ‘to keep everyone happy’ then the step mum gets in the line of fire with the ex and the sdc.

Men keeping a low profile works for him and his step dc.

Women keeping a low profile with her step dc = evil stepmother she must hate the kids.

Double standards galore.

Bluntly re the Meghan derail. It’s all smoke and mirrors, everything around the royal family is. Bluntly they’re all insanely wealthy and privileged so I really have not even expended one brain cell wondering what the ‘truth’ is there.

I have however spent a fair few brain cells pondering on this notion that women are more territorial and that is part and parcel of what causes some of these issues listed on these boards. I’ll obviously talk to my own experiences.

There is a notion within this ‘being territorial’ that I can see happened within my situation - categorically yes. And I’ll explain what I mean by that.

I’m independent and I’m raising children to be respectful, Kind, thoughtful. They pull their weight and as a result have a fairly good life.
They are also disciplined when they are none of the above. I do not tolerate rudeness, backchat that is disrespectful, aggression, nonsensical tantrums and attention seeking behaviour was nipped in the bud. They are being taught how to challenge me, ask for things. State their side of their arguments and negotiate for compromise. Respectfully.

Those house rules extend to their friends. Pre covid I would have plenty of teen boys in my house - all of them know the lay of the land. They are welcome anytime as long as they understand that they need to be respectful of my home and the people within it.

All of the above could be called ‘territorial’ I suppose. I call it parenting and raising respectful children whom don’t think the world revolves them.

Now, across to my exp’s children. Were they being raised the same way? No they weren’t. My exp could not/ would not parent the way I did. That’s his choice and not remotely my business. Until they bring their tantrums, demands, whining and red carpet behaviour to my house.

I tried to make it work for so long until one day I looked at it and thought, why am I opening my home up to these kids? They’re rude, attention seeking and whiny (and rewarded for it by getting attention from their dad). And I then am getting bollocked for not pivoting around them / dancing to their tune the way their dad does?

So not only is my lovely respectful home getting unbalanced by these children. I’m also getting into trouble for somehow appearing unhappy that these creatures come into my home and completely ignore the inhabitants! But use their gaming consoles/ tv’s/ toys and have tons of fun!

I breathed a sigh of relief when I pulled the plug and stopped them coming entirely.
Is that territorial of me? Quite possibly. But I don’t work as hard as I do, to provide what I provide, to then have children walk in and be rude. Do I feel sorry for them that potentially their mother is putting them under emotional duress? Yes. Is it my problem? No.
Should I have to tolerate children behaving inappropriately in ways I would never allow mine to? No.

Does that mean my stance inevitably caused issues in my relationship? Yes.
Do I care? No, not really.

My home, my rules. Basic respect and manners are not miraculously arrived at overnight at a magical age. They are nurtured into little human beings, consistently over time. And that’s what parenting is a part of. NRP’s can absolutely do that if they wish. But a lot don’t.

I call that piss poor parenting longer term. But you know what? Not my kids, not my problem.

Is 'being territorial' what men call it when a woman dares to have an opinion about what happens in her home/life/to her children?

How dare a woman have her own ideas and opinions!

I think dc normally will have a main place which is ‘home’ which has all their stuff plus wellies, stashes of old things, normally with mum thought doesn’t need to be. And then their other parents’ house. And that’s healthy for kids. I think it’s not necessary to replicate the other set up. I think much unnecessary angst goes into making things ‘as much of a home’ in each house. That’s often more about parental guilt than children’s needs.

I completely agree with this. My SC's home is with their mum - that's what they call home, they refer to 'going home', 'when we get home' etc etc. They have absolutely no issue with that, they don't think of our flat as their other home because it just isn't - that is 'staying with dad'.

Obviously would be different if it was 50/50, but it isn't, and some posters on here who insist that a place where children stay 2 weekends a month is 'their home' are just trying to fit square peg into a round hole. It's just not reality and if we tried to enforce that my SCs refer to our flat as 'their other home' I think it would just feel weird for them.

It's the same here @Bibidy. The only person who ever needs to pretend that they don't think of their mum's at home and here as somewhere they stay regularly is my husband. And that's about his failure to process being a NRP rather than anything to do with his children's needs. In fact, he will tell them off for referring to their mum's as 'home' (it's about the only thing he will tell them off for because it's all about him and his he feels 🙄).

The fact their main home is elsewhere doesn't mean they don't have rooms and stuff here. Or that their father's life doesn't revolve around them EOW. It just means that they have divorced parents and their mum is the RP.

I completely agree with this. My SC's home is with their mum - that's what they call home, they refer to 'going home', 'when we get home' etc etc. They have absolutely no issue with that, they don't think of our flat as their other home because it just isn't - that is 'staying with dad'

Thank you- reading this I do think setting children up that their homes are “equal”, that they should have their own rooms at both houses, their own things etc is what leads to resentment of second families.

Fact is a separated couple cannot split one home into two, financially. So often the nrp is back at their parents, or in a flat or small house as they cannot afford to finance a family home and pay cm.

So then if they do get remarried, the new home is often financed by the new wife, as you’d expect. Then they start feeling pushed out when they can’t treat this home in the way they do their mums- own room, consoles,tv’s etc. Especially if new wife has resident kids that do treat this home as “home”.

50:50 is great in theory. But in practice you need to be loaded.

@Bibidy @LatentPhase I completely agree. My DC are with their dad so 40% of their time but will say my home is their home and they’re going to see their dad. Their language, not mine.
My exh couldn’t care less and neither could I. He is just as big a part of our children’s world as I am. Zero debate. The fact that they see my physical location as ‘home’ is down to the fact that this is their main hub/ repository/ dumping ground. My exh doesn’t (nor should he need to) double up on things. The ‘home’ being with me is zero reflection on how much they love their dad.

Healthy relationships (that aren’t being undermined by a non supportive RP) can operate this way.

My exp? Absolutely insisted that his children viewed his home as their home. Or indeed any space they inhabited whilst with him should be immediately opened up to them as their home. That entitlement extended to my home/ his siblings homes. When I deigned to suggest that he teach them some manners when they visited my house given it wasn’t their home and they were in fact visitors...well, it didn’t go down that well.
He in fact saw it as a rejection of his children. Vs the reality. It wasn’t their home. It was my children’s home.

Nowt to do with territory there by the way. Just plain fact.

Absolutely agree about the NRPs house being "home" - the drama is fabricated on here imo.

I also think in a lot of cases mum's house is the house they lived in before the split, too, so of course they're going to view it as home.

@Bibidy @LatentPhase I completely agree. My DC are with their dad so 40% of their time but will say my home is their home and they’re going to see their dad. Their language, not mine.
My exh couldn’t care less and neither could I. He is just as big a part of our children’s world as I am. Zero debate. The fact that they see my physical location as ‘home’ is down to the fact that this is their main hub/ repository/ dumping ground. My exh doesn’t (nor should he need to) double up on things. The ‘home’ being with me is zero reflection on how much they love their dad. My exh couldn’t care less and neither could I. He is just as big a part of our children’s world as I am. Zero debate. The fact that they see my physical location as ‘home’ is down to the fact that this is their main hub/ repository/ dumping ground. My exh doesn’t (nor should he need to) double up on things. The ‘home’ being with me is zero reflection on how much they love their dad.

This is how things are for my DS. This is home; dad's is dad's and it's all totally fine. Dad is just as important and he loves being there. It just isn't the huge deal made out on MN.

Where the issue starts is with my H's failure to accept his NRP status doesn't mean he's not important to his kids (plus his ex absolutely having built her entire identity around being primary parent and most important). So he resents the fact this is DS's home but not his children's. I can't change the reality of the situation no matter how much he wishes he weren't an NRP.

Incidentally, it's not that my DS has more than them as it's his home. They each have their own bedroom (and they have to share at their mum's). They have toys and consoles and clothes and everything else they need. It's just that 'home' is with their mother (as it is for DS).

I always found it interesting how on one hand the NRPs home must be viewed as home to the children, they must have their own rooms and whole separate wardrobe etc etc and yet somehow the RP having to provide a home large enough with the higher mortgage/rent/bills of running it is a reason that CM must be increased. As if the NRP providing a bedroom for EOW contact is somehow free to them
There seems to be a disconnect between what is expected in theory and what can be provided with the money each parent has at their disposal.
There’s also a subtle yet significant difference between “feeling at home” (as in welcome, comfortable, familiar) and “being at home” (as in this is where you actually live) that seems to get lost in the gasps of horror where DSC are concerned. I’m not sure it does anyone any favours.

@Youseethethingis

I always found it interesting how on one hand the NRPs home must be viewed as home to the children, they must have their own rooms and whole separate wardrobe etc etc and yet somehow the RP having to provide a home large enough with the higher mortgage/rent/bills of running it is a reason that CM must be increased. As if the NRP providing a bedroom for EOW contact is somehow free to them There seems to be a disconnect between what is expected in theory and what can be provided with the money each parent has at their disposal. There’s also a subtle yet significant difference between “feeling at home” (as in welcome, comfortable, familiar) and “being at home” (as in this is where you actually live) that seems to get lost in the gasps of horror where DSC are concerned. I’m not sure it does anyone any favours.

Yes this is true.

I just feel there are many people on here who are so ready to feel offended for SCs when there is no need, the children themselves are totally happy with having their main home and then staying with their other parent.

Also it totally ignores the fact that the NRP's home will likely never function as a 'normal' home for the children because when they are there everything revolves around them in a way that it wouldn't if they genuinely did live there. So no, it's not just their home where they can relax or whatever, it's a place where they arrive and more often than not are treated like VIP guests.

Which I feel is something that people without SCs can struggle to understand as they just picture time with the NRP as being the same as how they live with their kids full-time - it's not.

Which I feel is something that people without SCs can struggle to understand as they just picture time with the NRP as being the same as how they live with their kids full-time - it's not.

Definitely.

It's so very different. My DSC arrive and it's all about entertaining them. There's no being dragged around the supermarket or to sit outside a changing room while dad tries on clothes. There's no sitting in the car while dad takes stuff to the recycling centre. There are no chores for them. There isn't even having to be polite and entertain yourself while your parents have a coffee with a friend. It's all about their wants (not even their needs). It's all day trips and trips to the park and videogames and tv.

@FishyFriday

Which I feel is something that people without SCs can struggle to understand as they just picture time with the NRP as being the same as how they live with their kids full-time - it's not.

Definitely.

It's so very different. My DSC arrive and it's all about entertaining them. There's no being dragged around the supermarket or to sit outside a changing room while dad tries on clothes. There's no sitting in the car while dad takes stuff to the recycling centre. There are no chores for them. There isn't even having to be polite and entertain yourself while your parents have a coffee with a friend. It's all about their wants (not even their needs). It's all day trips and trips to the park and videogames and tv.

100%.

In fact, we are currently in the process of looking at a summer holiday in the UK and apparently it's 'the children's holiday' and 'its got to be all about what they enjoy'. Which is fine for us now as we don't have any joint children so we do holidays and other things we enjoy when the kids aren't here. But then what happens when we do have a joint child?? Do we just never get to enjoy a holiday again?!

It's a completely different kettle of fish than having full-time children.

But then what happens when we do have a joint child?? Do we just never get to enjoy a holiday again?!

You'll get holidays geared around the DSC and your kids can just tag along on the holidays you and your DH are having. At least that seems to be how my H's mind works. Our baby can just be pleased his parent live together and he gets to tag along on the fun centred around his half siblings. And my DS should somehow be pleased he gets to watch his stepsiblings DP 4 and 7 year old stuff (despite being nearly 12).

As if the NRP providing a bedroom for EOW contact is somehow free to them

To put it into perspective, having a dedicated bedroom for my SD’s which gets slept in a maximum of 5-6 nights a month cost us an extra £70k and added £250 a month onto our mortgage bills compared to if we’d bought a 3 bed house.
Even when they’re not here it still costs us to “house” them.
I don’t think I’m alone when I say that extra uplift in costs often goes unrecognised and only the RP’s costs seem to be considered.

@SpongebobNoPants

As if the NRP providing a bedroom for EOW contact is somehow free to them

To put it into perspective, having a dedicated bedroom for my SD’s which gets slept in a maximum of 5-6 nights a month cost us an extra £70k and added £250 a month onto our mortgage bills compared to if we’d bought a 3 bed house.
Even when they’re not here it still costs us to “house” them.
I don’t think I’m alone when I say that extra uplift in costs often goes unrecognised and only the RP’s costs seem to be considered.

No. You're not.

Plus it never seems to be acknowledged that maintenance is to cover the NRP's contribution to the costs of having their children during the additional time the RP has them. It's supposed to balance out the costs of the children between the parents when they have unequal time with the children.

There are always costs to the NRP too. In our case we had to buy a 5 bed rather than a 3 bed house. That was £150k more expensive and almost doubled the sodding mortgage costs from my lovely 3 bed house. It costs more to heat even if the DSC aren't here too. My H had to buy a new car that can accommodate 3 car seats. And so on.

Of course he does. He has 3 children. But by MN logic none of those costs seem to exist.

Plus it never seems to be acknowledged that maintenance is to cover the NRP's contribution to the costs of having their children during the additional time the RP has them
@FishyFriday I agree! It’s as though the RP isn’t expected to support them financially themselves at all. At least that’s the thought process with my DP’s ex

@SpongebobNoPants

Plus it never seems to be acknowledged that maintenance is to cover the NRP's contribution to the costs of having their children during the additional time the RP has them *@FishyFriday* I agree! It’s as though the RP isn’t expected to support them financially themselves at all. At least that’s the thought process with my DP’s ex

I think it mostly reflects the deeply entrenched societal view that men's are responsible for paying for children and women for looking after them. So of course maintenance isn't about balancing the costs; it's him paying for his children.

I remember a poster on here that NRP should pay maintenance based on half the cost of raising the children. When questioned they haven't even considered that the NRP also bears extra expense such as house suitable for the children like extra bedrooms, living in high quality accommodation and items that the child needs in both residences.

Two households cost more to run than one but this often isn't considered.

Am also in solidarity with @sassbott on the slightly misogynistic ‘women being territorial’ thing.

Now that DP lives back in his house, I’ve decided his dd doesn’t not need to come to mine any more. Her being her 8year old persona but being almost 20 and helpless, was just too much of a misfit for my house. My dd’s don’t want it. After 5 years and no change we’re all over it now. I’m happy going for the odd meal in a restaurant but she is uninvited here. From now on it’s just adults-behaving-like-adults.

If that makes me territorial - OK. Though I think call it what it is - a women (shock horro) not tolerating poor behaviour and lack of accountability.