Stepdads vs Stepmums feelings about stepchildren

[SandyY2K]

I was thinking how it seems like more SMs than SDs don't quite like or prefer it when their DSC aren't around I didn't want to hijack the other thread, so started this one.

Can any SD say how they feel about their SC? Do you prefer it when they're not at home?

As I don't expect many SDs are on here, if you have a DP/DH who is a stepdad to your kids, has he said he prefers it when your kids aren't there? Or if he hasn't said it, do you think he feels this way?

I said I wondered if that's because women tend to post on forums like this more, as I noticed an increasing amount of SMs have negative feelings about DSCs visitation.

The feelings vary, but can include, anxiety, resentment, feeling uncomfortable, on edge or just a preference for them not being there.

There was a feeling that it's different for Stepdads for different reasons on the other thread.

I found this comment (below) provides an alternative view from a Stepdad's perspective. Obviously, this is just one person's view.

Perhaps they've just resigned themselves to the fact they their options are limited.

If my DW and I split up, I would want another relationship. I still wouldn't really find childless women appealing because most of them want to have kids of their own and I am 100% done

That means I'd just be trading one set of annoying SC for a different set of annoying SC
It's not like I'd meet the woman with magical non-annoying children. That's just how children are, tbh.

So, my totally best move is to be happy with where I am, stop complaining and work to make this situation the best I can.

Are men just more practical about it?

@SandyY2K
I would say this probably comes from a financial perspective. Many women still don't work. If a SD is the only one working, then he's the one financially supporting the SC, moreso than their bio father at times too.

Interesting. Every single SM I know in RL is actually the higher earner and the one providing the bulk of the ‘financial’ stability. I know of absolutely no women who do not work and whose children are supported by a man who is not their father.

I have come across this and probably as a result of society, some women can't understand why a man won't live with her and her kids, knowing he'll see his his own kids less

This isn’t a society issue, this is a family court issue. Where a primary carer is hostile to equal access agreements, sadly a lot of NRP’s have to go via the courts, where still the standard access is EOW plus midweek contact.
From my personal perspective, how much my exp saw or didn’t see his children was not my problem. He married his EXW and procreated with her, she was the one who fought everything tooth and nail and as such the best he could get was EOW. Did I then expect him to see my children more than he saw his own? No. But it’s not my problem to solve for that my kids are with me 50/60% of the time and his only 20%.

If a person cannot balance that reality in their mind, they should be very upfront about that when dating/ navigating a long term relationship.
The new partner has very little control over the EXW.

@RUOKHon

I think you're quite right and honest saying you were doing all those things to impress in the beginning. I'd say that's normal to a degree in any relationship. You want to show your best side. It just come back to bite you I'm this situation. Kind of like making a rod for your own back.

It's just that you can get lumbered with

@sassbott

From my personal perspective, how much my exp saw or didn’t see his children was not my problem. He married his EXW and procreated with her, she was the one who fought everything tooth and nail and as such the best he could get was EOW.

Do you mean his partner fought for more time with your DC?

I know of absolutely no women who do not work and whose children are supported by a man who is not their father.

I think people generally mix with like minded, so if you work, it's likely your friends and associates will as well.

It's also usually when they have joint DC as well...more specifically pre-school kids. Or single mums on a very low salary/benefits, who moves into a man's house with her DC...then become a SAHM when they have children.

It's not that she couldn't survive without him, but it would be a big change in their standard of living.

“I know of absolutely no women who do not work and whose children are supported by a man who is not their father.”

I am one of those women. Always worked but then due o a disability couldn’t, so dh supports them entirely, put them through uni etc. See this as relevant as my kids are well aware that their step dad stepped up when their dad wouldn’t. They definitely feel he is like a second dad.

@SandyY2K

Interesting responses.

I definitely agree that the where less time is spent with one parent, developing a bond/connection with the NRP stepparent, usually the SM will be challenging.

@Stout01 It's great to get a male perspective.

There's then the other group of (bio Dad's) that are more likely to have their own place / see their kids in that place and be more wary of blending / how much involvement they have in the lives of another's kids and the balance with their own. I would definitely fall in this group and would look to have boundaries / be very careful about how the situation works for all and trying to make sure no one feels pushed out (I personally would hate to feel like I'm pushing out a bio parent).

I have come across this and probably as a result of society, some women can't understand why a man won't live with her and her kids, knowing he'll see his his own kids less. It's as though society thinks it's perfectjy acceptable for a man to see his kids EOW... but the mum is entitled to the majority of the time.

I don't know that the potential SM gives any thought about how her partner's DC may feel, about their dad spending majority time with SC than them.

If custody was the DM with EOW... People would raise an eyebrow and ask what happened. Like..what has she done, why doesn't she have the kids more.

Then the other type of SD you mentioned....

but I personally raise a quizzical eye when I hear about a SD 'taking on' someone else's kids. I often wonder about the wider context and how true this is.

I would say this probably comes from a financial perspective. Many women still don't work. If a SD is the only one working, then he's the one financially supporting the SC, moreso than their bio father at times too.

blokes that are happy to take up the SD role. Spend more time with their step kids than their own and possibly looking for somewhere to live / someone to help out with their kids when they visit / have contact time.

Oh yes. Threads many from SMs that show this type of man. He was either living with his parents, in a tiny studio, or a shared house post divorce and the new woman is great to enable him to live in a bigger place and have the kids over more comfortably.

I came across this interesting piece, which resonates from some of the responses. No doubt, this man will be looking for his next partner (victim) to do what he should be doing.

We split up because he felt I didn’t do enough to help with DC from his Ex. He has not met his own standard of what a “parent” should be while maligning me for what I didn’t do for his DC.

Societal expectations clearly seem to be a key factor. In so many ways women are held to higher standards than men.

What ends up happening when women conform to these expectations, is a large number of men do the bare minimum of parenting in their first marriage, then on the EOW or 50/50 schedule, they do even less because SM does it for him. They have a front row ticket to see the ineffective parenting, but it's not enough of a deterrent to have a child with him.

Women also put themselves under pressure and I think they feel sorry for the SC at times when dad is useless.
At some point, you have to put yourself first, otherwise it just enables useless dads to continue being useless as a parent.

I've experienced some of this. I was seeing someone and she couldn't understand why I wasn't keen on having the kids EOW and bringing them her way on (an hours drive). I said well what if the kids want to spend more time at mine / mid week visits. Her response was that shared mid week parenting is detrimental to the kids.

On finances commenting on my situation I contribute a lot more than SC despite him effectively living in what was the family home rent free but that's another story. I earn a good salary but a separated Dad post divorce is financially up against it unless they earn well. But I'm not saying moms have it easy either.

On societal expectations yeah I'm aware of that. I'm the opposite amd.would have no expectations of a partner but I realise I'm not the norm.

[quote sassbott]@SandyY2K
I would say this probably comes from a financial perspective. Many women still don't work. If a SD is the only one working, then he's the one financially supporting the SC, moreso than their bio father at times too.

Interesting. Every single SM I know in RL is actually the higher earner and the one providing the bulk of the ‘financial’ stability. I know of absolutely no women who do not work and whose children are supported by a man who is not their father.

I have come across this and probably as a result of society, some women can't understand why a man won't live with her and her kids, knowing he'll see his his own kids less

This isn’t a society issue, this is a family court issue. Where a primary carer is hostile to equal access agreements, sadly a lot of NRP’s have to go via the courts, where still the standard access is EOW plus midweek contact.
From my personal perspective, how much my exp saw or didn’t see his children was not my problem. He married his EXW and procreated with her, she was the one who fought everything tooth and nail and as such the best he could get was EOW. Did I then expect him to see my children more than he saw his own? No. But it’s not my problem to solve for that my kids are with me 50/60% of the time and his only 20%.

If a person cannot balance that reality in their mind, they should be very upfront about that when dating/ navigating a long term relationship.
The new partner has very little control over the EXW.[/quote]
I agree on the family courts in this age of equality a lot more.needs to be done and cafcass are frankly a joke.

@stout01on that point we agree 100%. Cafcass (and a lot of family court judges) are no longer fit for purpose. It’s well documented what primary carers need to do to make it difficult for the other parent to obtain more than EOW contact. The whole system is innately biased against non primary carers. It can be (is is routinely) played by people who know what they’re doing.

*If the Stepmum refused to take this on this oddly can breed resentment from the childs actual DM

If the Stepmum is happy to take it on, this can also breed resentment from the childs actual DM.*

Yep, step mums can't win.

My DCs are with me 100% as their dad moved to another country. I don’t consider my DP their stepparent and he does nothing for them. I distance myself from his DCs as much as possible. He’s a bit of a lazy dad tbh and it annoys me when he passes judgement on my parenting. I was about to say that even given all that I don’t think I could manage if the roles were reversed and I was in his shoes but actually a lot of the tension in our set up comes from his ex and dynamic with her so maybe it would be totally different.

@Iyiyi

My DCs are with me 100% as their dad moved to another country. I don’t consider my DP their stepparent and he does nothing for them. I distance myself from his DCs as much as possible. He’s a bit of a lazy dad tbh and it annoys me when he passes judgement on my parenting. I was about to say that even given all that I don’t think I could manage if the roles were reversed and I was in his shoes but actually a lot of the tension in our set up comes from his ex and dynamic with her so maybe it would be totally different.

This sounds bloody awful for all concerned. Sadly mainly the children

As a SD some of it is absolutely true - them just kinda 'being there' nearly all the time from the beginning means you never feel like they're infringing on your relationship with their mum, because that's just normal life.

And there's definitely an element of 'instant hero' with the role that makes it gratifying, that SMs simply don't get.

From my personal perspective my SDs' dad had been a very absent parent prior to moving out, and didn't see them much to begin with (maybe once every couple of months.) I went in gently expecting to have to slowly earn a place in their lives but they were eager for it and pushed it faster than expected. So that was easier. I doubt SMs get the same benefit as the mum (even if she's not a great mum) was still likely the more nurturing parent and they're not looking for a hole to be filled there.

However this..

*In mum's home she does most things for the children, cooks for them, baths them, puts to bed, buys their clothes, takes to school, makes packed lunch and everything else needed. Step Dad is fun and kind, makes them laugh, maybe plays a few games with them - he's great, amazing, taken on kids like his own.

In Dad's house, step mother cooks, cleans, helps with homework, helps with childcare when the parents are busy, joins in the school runs, makes the lunches etc etc... She's a cow because she dates to admit that she prefers it when they aren't there because she doesn't have to spend her time doing all of that.*

...felt a little unfair. I certainly do my share of cooking for them, housework, majority of the school runs (my work hours are a little more flexible,) putting to bed (I'm a British immigrant in Denmark and they like my English bedtime songs...,) packed lunches etc. This is specifically because my partner did all these things before and I don't want the girls growing up thinking these things are simply always 'mum's job.'
There's a practical limit to how much mental load you can take on when you have no legal role in the kid's lives but the school know me and with SD's dad's permission I'm actively involved in the current cooperation we have with them while SD11 is diagnosed for possible ADHD, OCD and basically extreme anxiety issues.

The only two other stepdads a I know well are my brother (who had a similar experience to me and is very very close to his now-adult stepdaughter) and one of SD6's classmate's step dad - who by all accounts is also very much above and beyond "the fun guy who makes them laugh while mum does the dull stuff." I do think the stepparent thing is a bit differently perceived in Denmark though, in a positive way. SMs are more likely to be welcome to be involved and SDs less likely to get away with minimal actual effort.

I always said I loved them like my own and now we have a little girl of our own it's given me a little perspective. The truth is I even love the bigger two differently from each other. They were 2 and 6 when I moved in. The bigger one will soon be 11 and the little one is 6. Our daughter turned 2 last week. I still think the difference is more to do with the stage of childhood they were at when I moved in than anything biological - but yes, having cradled one from birth, had several months paternity leave with her and done every night feed etc with her since she weaned at 7 months does add something you can't just magic in to the other two relationships.

Do I like it when they're at their dads? Well, hell yeah. I bloody love it when my daughter is at her grandmum's too! What parent doesn't love a break?

Incidentally I've always thought their dad wasn't too bad at the Disney Dad thing, but this morning the girls facetimed us from bed... with a large bowl of candy between them. So I might have been wrong on that one :D

The new partner has very little control over the EXW

Erm....no control whatsoever.

Interesting. Every single SM I know in RL is actually the higher earner and the one providing the bulk of the ‘financial’ stability. I know of absolutely no women who do not work and whose children are supported by a man who is not their father.

I think this is because we generally socialise or have acquaintances like ourselves, so you probably wouldn't know those type of people.

It tends to happen once they have a child together and she becomes a SAHM.

Interesting. Every single SM I know in RL is actually the higher earner and the one providing the bulk of the ‘financial’ stability. I know of absolutely no women who do not work and whose children are supported by a man who is not their father.

It's usually the ex (the mother of my DPs children and my DSD in our case) who thinks other people should support her. DSD's mum has just found out that she has to increase her hours to 35 hours a week when DSD goes to high school otherwise her benefits will be cut. I see no reason why a woman with two high school age kids can't work full time but no, she thinks DP and I should pay her for the reduction in benefits as she is happy working part time (DP and I work full time with a toddler).

@NewLevelsOfTiredness

I've seen your previous posts and always felt you're a very different type of SD. You're much more hands on and involved with your SDs than a lot of biological dads are with their own kids, never mind Stepdads. You've previously mentioned doing bedtime stories, homework support and school runs with your SDs.

I do recall you saying that your partner wanted someone to step up with her kids, because their dad didn't.

I am a SM and I love it
I am closer to my sc in age so this may help as I am usually easiest to talk to.
My dss are always ringing and mithering me and move in with me when I moved in with their dad.
Also dsd is always texting me never her dad. We're getting a lot closer as she gets older!
I love havin them all here, they know it and I love it when I get Mother's Day texts and cards of them too.
Just everyone is different ! X

[quote SandyY2K]**@NewLevelsOfTiredness

I've seen your previous posts and always felt you're a very different type of SD. You're much more hands on and involved with your SDs than a lot of biological dads are with their own kids, never mind Stepdads. You've previously mentioned doing bedtime stories, homework support and school runs with your SDs.

I do recall you saying that your partner wanted someone to step up with her kids, because their dad didn't.[/quote]
I think you actually said something very nice to me in a thread earlier this year which I meant to respond to - if that was you then thanks (I think it was because I remember it was someone who was both a mum and SM and tended to offer quite a balanced view.)

I think it's odd for me because as I wrote, in my experience the only stepdad I really knew to begin with was my brother who was similarly committed. Although his awesome wife wouldn't have taken any lazy behaviour from him anyway. Our mum was very strong on how she expected us to treat our girlfriends and possible future spouses. So that was my example of what I should try and live up to. And my Step Niece is simply an accepted family member by our whole extended family. Her insanely adorable 2 year old son turned out to have a complete waste of space for a dad so maybe there'll be another Step Dad in the family one day, although she every bit strong enough to go it alone if nobody is worthy of the honour.

Over here in Denmark though... SAHMs are much rarer. Men are at least expected to be active contributers to household tasks (even though I'm sure many still fall short.) In the cities and suburbs anyway. I understand in the rural communities the tired family stereotypes are still there.

When my partner and I talked about showing the girls how it should be it was in the sense of undoing the damage from her previous relationship, rather than me doing something more than should expected anyway.

On the school runs there's definitely a fairly equal distribution of parents delivering and picking up. With mental load... when the kids being picked up ask for a playdate I will admit that when its a dad I see a lot more "We'll have to check with your mum" than vice versa...

I don't know... here a stepparent is generally referred to a Bonus Mum or Bonus Dad, and people don't have a problem with that - I think that says something?

Although in case you're thinking it sounds like a stepparent utopia, one of SD11's friend's mum is a SM to her older sister, and woke up one night with the mum throttling her having broken into their house. So there's still that here and there....

Oh @OliviaBensonsEyebrow I know plenty of women who feel entirely entitled to be looked after by their exh’s. My exp’s peach of a wife at one point alluded to the fact that I had a good job in some of their financial proceedings to ‘tweak’ what she felt she was entitled to. Judge gave her no airspace.

Cheeky b*tch.

*exwife not wife

@SandyY2K fair point. Yeah I work, and a lot of my associates/ social circle also do. None of us who have dated post divorce have also gone the shared child route. So that complication is also not present.

@NewLevelsOfTiredness that's lovely but I definitely think that in the majority of homes, the mum does the majority of the child work. Not all obviously, like yours, but definitely most. I can't see that being any different whether the man in the relationship is a Dad or a Step Dad.

I also think there is something to be said for the other parent. I think mother's are more likely to act more fiercely toward any new step mother than dad's are when they get a step dad. In addition to the fact that it's more common for biological father's to not be involved than it is for mother's leaving a gap for step father's to fill much more often than step mother's.

I don't feel in the majority of cases that they are comparable.

I think my exdp actually preferred my kids to his own dc! His ds was used as a pawn by his dm and my ex was a Disney dad with limited patience. As a result his dc was a very difficult child, rude, spoilt, extremely hard work to be around and very manipulative. At first I actually detested having to spend time with him but I actually began to see that he was a product of his environment and felt awful for the poor kid. Neither parent really gave a toss about the childs welfare because they were to concerned with themselves. My children by comparison were just your average kids, and I think my ex found them easier to deal with. The whole situation used to really bother me and was one of the reasons our relationship didn't last.

Our mum was very strong on how she expected us to treat our girlfriends and possible future spouses.

This is gold. You're mum did an amazing job.

@HattyYatty am in a similar setup to the one you were in, DP and his ex have created an entitled, spoiled brat who is 19 and has done zilch for years, has no chores, can’t work a washing machine, cook a meal, complains if she is ‘made’ to walk 1 mile to be taken to a restaurant and taken out to dinner. Sits around watching movies, never leaves the house. She is a product of her upbringing. DP finds my kids easier to be around. Because they are, y’know, normal.

It’s the reason our relationship is on its last legs (I refuse to move in and join in his enabling of her) so that puts me in evil step mum category. And I refuse to take that on.

So yeah, DP gets on fine with my dc (who do have normal parenting with expectations and boundaries) me, I find it harder! Weirdly he has a son who is lovely. But a dd who is not.

It's usually the ex (the mother of my DPs children and my DSD in our case) who thinks other people should support her

And yet there are thousands and thousands of men out there who refuse point blank to support their children. And get away with it. Expecting other people to do what you should be doing isn’t the sole domain of ex wives.

I know my DH really, really struggled when his first marriage broke down and he was no longer allowed to see his step children, only his bio child. They had called him ‘daddy’ and they even changed their surname to his. They did have a bio father who they saw fortnightly but he loved them from babies and treated them as his own.

He still has all the Father’s Day cards the kids gave him. He did use to send them children birthday cards / Xmas cards and they all got returned and he was told to stop harassing them. Those stepchildren now have a 3rd ‘daddy’ but are all adults now.

I would really caution against anyone getting too involved with stepchildren unless you’re going to formally adopt them. DH feels he was used, his love for his stepchildren became a stick with which his ex could beat him with. He still is very emotionally vulnerable and one of the reasons why he has flung himself into being a very hands on father with our children. My kids are lucky because there are not many dads (I know of two others - funnily enough both who are on second marriages with older children) who have sacrificed high flying careers to spend more time at home.