Stepdads vs Stepmums feelings about stepchildren

[SandyY2K]

I was thinking how it seems like more SMs than SDs don't quite like or prefer it when their DSC aren't around I didn't want to hijack the other thread, so started this one.

Can any SD say how they feel about their SC? Do you prefer it when they're not at home?

As I don't expect many SDs are on here, if you have a DP/DH who is a stepdad to your kids, has he said he prefers it when your kids aren't there? Or if he hasn't said it, do you think he feels this way?

I said I wondered if that's because women tend to post on forums like this more, as I noticed an increasing amount of SMs have negative feelings about DSCs visitation.

The feelings vary, but can include, anxiety, resentment, feeling uncomfortable, on edge or just a preference for them not being there.

There was a feeling that it's different for Stepdads for different reasons on the other thread.

I found this comment (below) provides an alternative view from a Stepdad's perspective. Obviously, this is just one person's view.

Perhaps they've just resigned themselves to the fact they their options are limited.

If my DW and I split up, I would want another relationship. I still wouldn't really find childless women appealing because most of them want to have kids of their own and I am 100% done

That means I'd just be trading one set of annoying SC for a different set of annoying SC
It's not like I'd meet the woman with magical non-annoying children. That's just how children are, tbh.

So, my totally best move is to be happy with where I am, stop complaining and work to make this situation the best I can.

Are men just more practical about it?

@Mumoftwoinprimary

If men are unhappy they leave.

If women are unhappy they “try harder”.

I think there is a lot of this at play for unhappy stepmums.

If men are unhappy they leave.
If women are unhappy they “try harder”.

I agree. With women I think there is also the added motivator (as they do tend to be resident parent more often) that they try harder because, they are the ones who have bought this other man into the lives of their children. And because their children are more ‘resident’ there is a greater bond between their partner and her children.

So the breakdown of this second (or third etc) family actually represents another significant loss to the mothers children. This is exacerbated more of the children’s father has minimal/ no contact.

So whilst they are potentially unhappy/ dread the EOW / SC coming - they stay for the wider family and to avoid the breakdown of another family unit.
I think a lot of step mothers feel trapped.

Having blended naively, getting ‘un blended’ is intensely hard.

I think you’re right there @sassbott.

Even more so where there is a shared child or children. And more acutely where she knows what kind of awful parenting deficit Disney dad situation that child/those children will have to go in to. It may well seem much better to endure the EOW where she can protect her child and exert some influence on them at least than to leave knowing what she’s subjecting the child too.

Yup @FishyFriday I think it’s heartbreaking.

I worked with a counsellor who specialised in step families as I hit my problems with my exp. she told me that by the time women came to her, they were sometimes clinging on by their nails. Trapped because of finances/ shared children/ not wanting another family unit to breakdown. And the only thing she could do is give them coping strategies to allow them to not completely break under the pressure.

Whilst I was deeply heartbroken at the time I made the decision to end my relationship I was also intensely grateful that I had the choices I did. Many dont.

I will add. Sadly the men in these situations (NRP’s) are the ones contributing to the ‘breaking’. Via unrealistic pressure/ expectations.

The pedestal many of these men place their children on is unfathomable to me. Millions of children roam this planet, these men’s children are no more special than the countless others. Plenty of parents are just cracking on, parenting.

Not elevating their children to mini deities whom should be worshipped upon arrival EOW. Utter nonsense. If I ever arrive on a future date and a man starts to wax lyrical about his amazing child/ children and how they come first, I will get up and leave.

Everyone thinks their child is amazing, get over yourself.

Not all exW are bitchy, my exH had a partner who was a different kettle of fish to me. She was amazing at baking cup cakes and doing the girls’ hair in immaculate French plaits - I was like - WOW!! I can do neither so hats off if you want to do that with my girls. I had no expectations of her (after all they spent contact time with their dad who is their parent) and I was nothing but appreciative that she wanted to do that stuff. Am totally secure in my role as mum and, frankly enjoyed the break from my dc!

I used that time to get in a relationship with a man who is entangled in a bullsh*t limbo where a 20year old dd is facilitated to behave like and 8 year old and call all the shots and live off mum and dad, lounging about watching movies all day. Been like it for five years and a situation wholly of their own making.

It’s a recipe for step mum hell and I’ve said thanks but no thanks because the prospect of all dc being treated fairly across the board is nil. Plus the prospect of sharing my home with said dd isn’t attractive.

As said unthread, when the parents get distracted and entangled in fear and bull shit they stop parenting. The NR dads claim to be powerless (so low are society’s expectations of dads). And then the outlook for any step mum is frankly bleak.

Hence many of the threads and situations we read about on here.

@sassbott

I will add. Sadly the men in these situations (NRP’s) are the ones contributing to the ‘breaking’. Via unrealistic pressure/ expectations.

The pedestal many of these men place their children on is unfathomable to me. Millions of children roam this planet, these men’s children are no more special than the countless others. Plenty of parents are just cracking on, parenting.

Not elevating their children to mini deities whom should be worshipped upon arrival EOW. Utter nonsense. If I ever arrive on a future date and a man starts to wax lyrical about his amazing child/ children and how they come first, I will get up and leave.

Everyone thinks their child is amazing, get over yourself.

I get the Disney parenting thing but is it realistic to expect contact time EOW to look the same as having the kids the majority of the time.

Unless you have the kids more you can't get into such a routine (I've found this when having my eldest more compared to the others).

What strikes me is it seems better to boundary the whole thing and keep the blending to only part of the time.

@ChattyMc

Basically I imagine it works like this in most cases...

In mum's home she does most things for the children, cooks for them, baths them, puts to bed, buys their clothes, takes to school, makes packed lunch and everything else needed. Step Dad is fun and kind, makes them laugh, maybe plays a few games with them - he's great, amazing, taken on kids like his own.

In Dad's house, step mother cooks, cleans, helps with homework, helps with childcare when the parents are busy, joins in the school runs, makes the lunches etc etc... She's a cow because she dates to admit that she prefers it when they aren't there because she doesn't have to spend her time doing all of that.

Hahahaha!!! ^ THIS!!

@stout01 no I don’t at any level expect EOW contact to look like resident parenting.
But seriously. At some point every divorced parent needs to come to terms with their set up post divorce. Men struggle with this.

Newsflash, I see my children 40 to 50% less than I used to, you don’t see me changing my parenting. Or expecting a partner of mine to pivot to ensure my children’s needs to be met when I have them.

It’s a mindset and acceptance. My children are also the children of divorce. I see them less. I still am able to lead a full and fulfilling life with or without them. Without this ridiculous notion of my children come first.

For example, I do loads for my step children, things I've not always actually wanted to do but that I've felt were expected of me and even pressured into doing by both my husband and his ex. She has often asked if I can help do X Y or Z. On the other hand, no one has ever asked or expected the same of her partner, he is allowed to have a certain amount of detachment from parenting and no one questions it, he's just great because he's nice to them whereas I'd be judged on how involved i am in things that really their parents should be doing

Exactly the same here. I’ve been emotionally blackmailed and manipulated by DH and his ex (although they would absolutely deny this and I’m certain they’re not even conscious they’re doing it) into doing things for my DSCs that have been to my detriment - materially and financially as well as mentally. If I’ve ever pushed back and tried to assert my boundaries I’ve been accused of not wanting the DSCs around and trying to engineer them being here less by not actively facilitating their visits.

DH’s ex has a partner and he gets away with doing practically fuck all. Occasionally he will do the pick up and drop off and everyone thinks that’s amazing of him. Also, he’s only been on the scene since DSCs have been older, so he never did all the 5.30am mornings and vomitty bedclothes and covering the school runs and taking them to the toilet and tantrums in restaurants and all of the boring tedious shit that comes with small children.

He’s never had to take a conference call from the back of a school hall during the summer show because mum and dad couldn’t make it and someone ought to be there for the DSCs, but I have.

He’s never had to cancel or alter his work plans because something has come up with my DH’s work and DSC’s mum asked him to step in. But I have lost count of the number of times I have had to alter my work plans because of DSC’s mum’s work and DH asking me to step in.

DH’s ex and her partner have never been on holiday together with the DSCs, for example. They always go on their own in term time. In contrast DH and I have had one holiday on our own in over a decade - we always take all the DCs with us. So as far as step dad responsibilities go, DSC’s step dad has it really cushty. In pre-covid times maybe once a month he’d take them shopping and buy them some trainers or something and he’s the world’s greatest for ‘taking them on’.

@RUOKHon that makes my blood boil.

It makes my blood boil that the bar for parenting is set so low for men. By everyone, men and women. The double standards are shocking.

RUOKHon that makes my blood boil

I know! Now that I’ve typed that out I feel really angry!

Take the school show example: the crazy thing is that if DSCs stepdad went to the show instead of me - and it impacted his work - I feel like in some unspoken way that would make me look bad. Like, he stepped up but I didn’t. I can just hear MIL’s voice asking DH why I couldn’t make it. Oh, was RUOK too busy then?

But when it’s muggins here at the school show, whispering into my phone and hoping my boss doesn’t notice, nobody is asking where DSC’s step dad is.

Do you know what I mean?

It’s the old adage...
“It takes very little for a man to be considered a good father, and very little for a woman to be considered a bad mother”.

Basically women are held to much higher parenting standards in general.

I know quite a few single mums, many of whom have gone through bad break ups and their DC’s dads do very little. No one tells them they’re wonderful for taking over the full parenting role, if anything they are judged for being single mums.

There is one single dad at my DD’s school who has full custody and he is treated like a god by everyone. “Oh isn’t he wonderful”... for doing what exactly? Parenting his child as he should?

It’s so bizarre. Women are expected to take the majority if not the full burden of childcare duties, but when a dad does the same he’s seen as something exceptional.

It’s sad really. Sad for the dads who have so little of expected them too, they’re missing out on so much by not being as involved in parenting.

My new partner adores my son and I would never be with a person who doesn’t 100 percent loves my kid
@Embra please don’t take offence but you cannot possible know that. Does he have his own biological children?

He is more likely to love your child and care for him deeply (as I do my SCs) but it is not comparable to your own DCs unless he is the only father involved. I cannot love my SCs as if I’m their mother because they already have a mother, that role has been filled.
My DD has no dad (lives on a different continent, no involvement) and I don’t expect my DP to love her as his own... he has his own children, so again that role has been filled. He loves her, but ultimately I know he loves his own kids more.

To be blunt, if there was a fire, I would be getting my own kids out first and he would with his. My kids could have a lung, kidney, bone marrow etc whatever they need from me. I wouldn’t offer the same to my SCs. That’s the bottom line.

Interesting responses.

I definitely agree that the where less time is spent with one parent, developing a bond/connection with the NRP stepparent, usually the SM will be challenging.

@Stout01 It's great to get a male perspective.

There's then the other group of (bio Dad's) that are more likely to have their own place / see their kids in that place and be more wary of blending / how much involvement they have in the lives of another's kids and the balance with their own. I would definitely fall in this group and would look to have boundaries / be very careful about how the situation works for all and trying to make sure no one feels pushed out (I personally would hate to feel like I'm pushing out a bio parent).

I have come across this and probably as a result of society, some women can't understand why a man won't live with her and her kids, knowing he'll see his his own kids less. It's as though society thinks it's perfectjy acceptable for a man to see his kids EOW... but the mum is entitled to the majority of the time.

I don't know that the potential SM gives any thought about how her partner's DC may feel, about their dad spending majority time with SC than them.

If custody was the DM with EOW... People would raise an eyebrow and ask what happened. Like..what has she done, why doesn't she have the kids more.

Then the other type of SD you mentioned....

but I personally raise a quizzical eye when I hear about a SD 'taking on' someone else's kids. I often wonder about the wider context and how true this is.

I would say this probably comes from a financial perspective. Many women still don't work. If a SD is the only one working, then he's the one financially supporting the SC, moreso than their bio father at times too.

blokes that are happy to take up the SD role. Spend more time with their step kids than their own and possibly looking for somewhere to live / someone to help out with their kids when they visit / have contact time.

Oh yes. Threads many from SMs that show this type of man. He was either living with his parents, in a tiny studio, or a shared house post divorce and the new woman is great to enable him to live in a bigger place and have the kids over more comfortably.

I came across this interesting piece, which resonates from some of the responses. No doubt, this man will be looking for his next partner (victim) to do what he should be doing.

We split up because he felt I didn’t do enough to help with DC from his Ex. He has not met his own standard of what a “parent” should be while maligning me for what I didn’t do for his DC.

Societal expectations clearly seem to be a key factor. In so many ways women are held to higher standards than men.

What ends up happening when women conform to these expectations, is a large number of men do the bare minimum of parenting in their first marriage, then on the EOW or 50/50 schedule, they do even less because SM does it for him. They have a front row ticket to see the ineffective parenting, but it's not enough of a deterrent to have a child with him.

Women also put themselves under pressure and I think they feel sorry for the SC at times when dad is useless.
At some point, you have to put yourself first, otherwise it just enables useless dads to continue being useless as a parent.

Women also put themselves under pressure and I think they feel sorry for the SC at times when dad is useless
At some point, you have to put yourself first, otherwise it just enables useless dads to continue being useless as a parent

My experience has been different... my DP is a good dad and has never expected me to parent his children, but his ex has bizarre and unfair expectations of me.

I am not allowed to be too involved, not that I have tried to be, but she would say things like “she can’t come to parents evening/school plays”... why would I even want to? I tolerate my own kids events, I would want to add anymore to my calendar

But then simultaneously if DP couldn’t do something for her I.e. drop SCs off somewhere, have them an extra night but he was working, or pay for something then she fully expected me to fill the gap.

It’s a case of “don’t overstep and treat my kids as yours unless it benefits me”

Sorry that should read why would I want to add

Then on the EOW or 50/50 schedule, they do even less because SM does it for him. They have a front row ticket to see the ineffective parenting, but it's not enough of a deterrent to have a child with him

I don’t necessarily disagree with this, but - although the net effect is similar - how I arrived at that point is a bit different to what you’ve described.

It was more of a road to resentment that was paved with good intentions.

When DH and I first got together he was very hands on 50:50 with the DSCs, because his job allowed him to be. With it being early days in our relationship, I was keen to show that I was ‘good step mother material’ and probably set a precedent that would hoist me by my own petard years down the line. I’m talking about things like me doing lots of nice meals and offering to make the packed lunches, or doing the odd school run to ‘help DP (as he was then) out’. I was falling in love and wanted to impress!

It guess it worked, because he married me but then I realised I’d fucked myself by trying to be Mary Poppins. Now it was expected. Also, by that time we had our own DCs and DH’s job changed significantly. It meant a much better standard of living for us all, but the trade off would be that he wouldn’t be at home much during the week, so wouldn’t be able to continue the hands on 50:50 with the DSCs.

We eventually decided that he should take the job and I would cut my hours to facilitate the 50:50 and keep everything the same for the SDCs. What I didn’t realise I was signing up for (ha!), was to cover all the extra days and nights his ex wanted us to have the SDCs (which have always been numerous). In the past, if DH wanted to say yes to covering his ex then my stance was that it was up to him and it didn’t affect me too much. Now, in this new set up, he was still saying yes to her to the extra time, but then expecting me to make it happen. Suddenly I wasn’t doing it for him, I was doing it for her. And that is a whole other kettle of fish. But if I said no, I would get the guilt trip. ‘Oh you just don’t want them here’, blah blah blah.

So I guess what I’m saying is that DH definitely didn’t set out to take the piss. But life circumstances changed and I wanted help him to be able to keep the 50:50 arrangement. But my doing that enabled people from all sides to take the piss. And I meant I now couldn’t say no without looking like the bad guy.

It’s seldom black and white or straightforward.

I can only talk of my experience as a step child of the two. It was never in any doubt that my shagger dad would be left with eow access and my mum took full care responsibility when they split. My stepmum was the reason my parents finally split and she hated me. I was old enough to understand what they had done and her part in the split (I was 12 and had caught them together) Her guilt was laid on me and I had to suffer because of it. She only had to put up with me visiting once a week or maybe staying overnight one weekend out of a month or two but she made me very uncomfortable well into Adulthood. As far as she and my dad were concerned she was to have no relationship with his kids and even now things are ok my dad doesn’t let me ask her to help me out with things. The thing is now she’s a very kind and caring person but she doesn’t get to be granny because when my eldest was born she opted out of that. She regrets that now & refers to herself as a grandparent although not a grandmother. Her relationship with the kids is fine. She didn’t join a family she started a relationship with my dad. I see that in a lot of unhappy stepmums. Like they expect to be kept separate from his previous life.

My stepdad met my mum when we were teens and he knew what he was getting into living full time with an established family. It wasn’t all plain sailing but he tried hard to find his place. He’s lovely and kind and more of a dad than my own father is.

Unlike my step mum he couldn’t escape a relationship with us because we had to all share a home together and I think that’s the difference between a lot of posts we see. I know #notallstepmums but I do wonder if many women have this expectation of being treated like the one and only person in their life and aren’t as happy to share their time. This was something a particularly selfish mate said when she dated a divorced dad and many people seemed to agree with her.

It could be that it isn’t only down to sex but personality. Dh is highly sociable and the more people/offspring around the better, whosever they are.

I need space and find even my own hard to tolerate, never mind someone else’s. Add into the mix a Disney dad who is unrecognisable when his kids are here and it’s enough to send me running to my room.

My ex husband's partner (who was the OW, relevant), absolutely resented my little boy. He was only 2 when his father left and she has been vile to him ever since. He did not fit into her "family" of my ex, her son and her. She has gone out of her way to make my son unwelcome and it's been nearly 8 years of hell with horrendous emotional damage to my child who she stigmatised because of his autism. The court has only just recognised this.

As a result of this, ex has chosen her over our son. He has lost contact and she will be served with injunctive measures via Prohibited Steps. I can't imagine treating a child like that ever. She was the "stepmother" from hell and I am so glad she can't do any further harm.

I couldn't or wouldn't have a relationship with somebody who didn't treat my child with the utmost kindness and respect. That's what normal parents do isn't it?

@Embra

My new partner adores my son and I would never be with a person who doesn’t 100 percent loves my kid.

I’d find this a lot more compelling if the partner wasn’t “new” but actually had been around for years

@Lentillover1900 I agree. That post made me cringe a bit and seemed naive.
I love my SCs, I really do. But more like they’re my nieces

@RUOKHon

Then on the EOW or 50/50 schedule, they do even less because SM does it for him. They have a front row ticket to see the ineffective parenting, but it's not enough of a deterrent to have a child with him

I don’t necessarily disagree with this, but - although the net effect is similar - how I arrived at that point is a bit different to what you’ve described.

It was more of a road to resentment that was paved with good intentions.

When DH and I first got together he was very hands on 50:50 with the DSCs, because his job allowed him to be. With it being early days in our relationship, I was keen to show that I was ‘good step mother material’ and probably set a precedent that would hoist me by my own petard years down the line. I’m talking about things like me doing lots of nice meals and offering to make the packed lunches, or doing the odd school run to ‘help DP (as he was then) out’. I was falling in love and wanted to impress!

It guess it worked, because he married me but then I realised I’d fucked myself by trying to be Mary Poppins. Now it was expected. Also, by that time we had our own DCs and DH’s job changed significantly. It meant a much better standard of living for us all, but the trade off would be that he wouldn’t be at home much during the week, so wouldn’t be able to continue the hands on 50:50 with the DSCs.

We eventually decided that he should take the job and I would cut my hours to facilitate the 50:50 and keep everything the same for the SDCs. What I didn’t realise I was signing up for (ha!), was to cover all the extra days and nights his ex wanted us to have the SDCs (which have always been numerous). In the past, if DH wanted to say yes to covering his ex then my stance was that it was up to him and it didn’t affect me too much. Now, in this new set up, he was still saying yes to her to the extra time, but then expecting me to make it happen. Suddenly I wasn’t doing it for him, I was doing it for her. And that is a whole other kettle of fish. But if I said no, I would get the guilt trip. ‘Oh you just don’t want them here’, blah blah blah.

So I guess what I’m saying is that DH definitely didn’t set out to take the piss. But life circumstances changed and I wanted help him to be able to keep the 50:50 arrangement. But my doing that enabled people from all sides to take the piss. And I meant I now couldn’t say no without looking like the bad guy.

It’s seldom black and white or straightforward.

Really interesting And I suspect often the case Impressing in a new relationship But then.... committed

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@Lentillover1900 I agree. That post made me cringe a bit and seemed naive.
I love my SCs, I really do. But more like they’re my nieces[/quote]
And if you read the post I just posted
The poster admirably admits to putting in a lot of effort at the beginning of the relationship as wanted to make a good impression