Mother's Day

[harryclr]

What does everyone do...?

We weren't supposed to have my partners daughter on that weekend but her mother changed the weekends so now our time has fallen on Mother's Day ... I bought it up to my partner and said I assume that she will be spending it with her mum, he said he wasn't sure as it was our weekend and she's probably working ...

It's my first Mother's Day, we had our baby boy 9 months ago. I desperately want it to just be us, is that evil / selfish of me? I want to try and explain how precious certain days / memories are to me and should also to be to him. But I get so anxious bringing anything up that involves me not wanting to have his daughter with us as I'll just get shut down and made to feel guilty. I'm not saying I never want her with us, that's ridiculous but I feel as though the are certain times where stepmoms shouldn't to be made to feel bad or guilty.
I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now. Also, having a 5yr old around just means the whole day will be revolved around her as it always is.

I am just interested what people do abs how they cope with it. Thanks x

My first Mother’s Day was last year. It wasn’t the dream that you seem to be dreaming up in your head. I got a card and a mug. My husband decided I should look after the baby all day because surely Mother’s Day is about the bond between baby and mother. I said yes but it’s also about thanking the mother for what she’s done and giving her a rest. I did get a rest the next weekend. Anyway moral of the story it’s women that attach meaning to Mother’s Day and you are building up a special day which needs to be driven by him til your little one is old enough to make you a pasta necklace or a handprint card.

I don't understand why having your step child there will affect anything at all? My dh is great at making day's special and having another child there want make the day any less special.

I don't get her being a reminder he has done this before. This is your day, not his. You haven't done this before.

Ive had coming up 14 mother's days but I still really look forward to them. Just because I've done it last year doesn't mean I won't enjoy this one.

You saying that having a 5 year old around will mean the day will just be about her as always makes me feel sad for her that you feel that way.

Well, some children do manage to find ways to make everything about them! That’s kids though unfortunately. OP, for what it’s worth, I don’t think you sound evil or selfish.

It’s a bit odd her own mother doesn’t want to see her on Mother’s Day. I would knock it on the head that every day revolves around her. There are other people and special occasions that aren’t all about her

@boymum9 - if you have a 5yr old I am sure you can understand that the the day does evolve around them, keeping them entertained, especially when we can't go anywhere at the moment. She constantly wants her daddy's attention, as soon as he does anything with the baby she calls him over.

I would just like to be able to feel relaxed and not on edge and to have a special moment with my baby and my partner. Is that really a crime? when she has a mother?

@LouiseTrees lol you're probably right

I think you are being a little over sensitive...she is a litte girl & your DP has his access arrangement, even if it did get swapped. I get it is your first Mother's Day & you'd like it to be special & about you. I don't know any mothers, myself included, who get fussed over all day on Mother's Day. A card & a present...maybe out to lunch somewhere dep on what else is going on with the family (sports events etc). Nothing that a 5 yr old being present would interfere with. It'd be different if it was a weekend away & ye had to cancel due to swapped arrangements & because now a 5 yr old is unexpectedly in the mix...but you have a 9 mth old in your home, I can't imagine that the day was going to be very much out of routine (like being whisked away unexpectedly somewhere). If you feel that strongly about it then bring it up...but you are with a man who has a child & these kind of things come with the territory. I understand you are disappointed but I think your expectations may be a little high. Of course maybe its just me & my lot who just don't sweat the small stuff & just aren't that fussed about it too much. What happened on Father's Day in the years you've been together before your baby?

Many men do not attach much meaning to the largely made up holidays. My mom says it only matter's how you are treated the other 364 days of the year.

If you want this to be a day to celebrate the bond that exists between you and your child , then you should do something special for the 2 of you.
I could never consider a gift or recognition to be special if it were something that I had to ask my family to do.
If your partner treats you well year round, then he is showing his appreciation in an appropriate and meaningful way. If he is not, giving you a gift on Mother's Day is really just a tribute to the merchants and retailers in your area.

Life is not a series of Hallmark or fantasy moments. If you have a healthy and happy child to be with you on Mother's Day what could be more meaningful?

Do not spend time wondering why your SD's mom does not want to spend Mother's Day with her. That is wasted energy, and it will in no way enhance your Mother's Day.

OP what are your expectations for Mother's Day? What are you planning that a 5 year old is going to ruin for you? I think you may find that Mother's Day is over rated..

I can understand why it would be nice to just have the 3 of you but I'm afraid at the risk of sounding mean you've had a baby with someone who already has a child.

I don't understand why having your step child there will affect anything at all? My dh is great at making day's special and having another child there want make the day any less special.

I guess it’s because to the op, this particular day isn’t about her dsc. But she will feel like she will somehow have to make it that way so that dsc doesn’t feel “left out”. Therefore taking the specialness of it being just her and her baby away.

I was always happy that my former dsc’s mum always wanted them there with her. Made it easier for me.

Mothers day two years ago I spent in the cemetery as it was the first one without my mum.. Last mothers day I spent having abuse screamed in my face by my DDs father and ended up going to bed at 7pm crying.. This mothers day I will be spending taking my DD to a contact centre to see her violent and abusive father as its court ordered and falls on his weekend and he utterly refuses to change it..
I wouldn't put all your hopes into having a day filled with memories in the romantic picture you've painted in your mind. It's just a day as many others would say on MN.
She's a small child and can't help that she has to go between two houses. Just welcome her with open arms and don't be resentful. You can still make the day special.

If you don't want to share your life with another woman's child you should have looked for a different partner. You don't get to be a stepmother only on the days it suits you and you are not entitled to some magical day because you've given birth. I think you need to grow up a bit.

Just include her and make it a nice day for all of you.

Agree that you might be disappointed, I get a lie in, some flowers/box of malteasers or similar, and we go about our day.

So your sd’s mum has changed the weekends ‘because she’s probably working’ and you’re complaining that you dont get to spend the day just the 3 of you. You’ve idealised the day and your sd doesn’t fit into your plans. The poor poor child. I feel so sorry for her. I’m sure she would rather spend Mother’s Day with her actual mum than her step mum who resents her being there. You need to decide if being in this family dynamic is really for you as from your post you sound extremely selfish. There will be loads of future occasions when your perfect idealised situation is spoilt by real life - illnesses, school events that will clash, parent evenings that will fall on your/your child’s birthday etc.

@Pebbledashery my goodness, that is horrific, so sorry to hear. Sounds like you're out of it though so can hopefully try and move on xxx

I think you’re placing too much importance on MD and ‘firsts’.

When you got together with a Dad, he came with a child & she must be a priority.

Don’t set yourself up in competition with his 5yo DD.

It’ll be okay OP.

My DSC mum never used to want them on Mother’s Day though DH always offered. My first one with my own DD she did suddenly want them and it was a genuinely crap day for unrelated reasons. DD was tiny and had a cold so we were panicking about that, my CS scar got infected and I was in loads of pain, DH suggested we watched the Mary Poppins sequel where the bit about the dead mum made us both cry. We’ve laughed about it since but honestly it was shit and I was so excited about even having a Mother’s Day where I was the mum after our difficulties getting there.

I don’t know what’s happening this year but we’ll make the most of it who ever’s here, family life is always messy and things don’t always go to plan. We’ve had 3 years of god awful fathers days, one where DH actually misses it because the car died on the way there and DSC and I spent it together without him.

It’s not what you’d hoped for and it’s a shame her mum doesn’t want to/can’t be with her. Ask your partner to bake you a cake or plan you a lovely meal, or to arrange a nice day for the 3 of you when DSD is with her mum.

When you got together with a Dad, he came with a child & she must be a priority.

No. That’s just silly. OP hasn’t become a non-person because she’s a stepmum. Her partner had a child, decided to have another relationship and a second child. He needs to balance everyone’s needs and wants or he’s failing everyone. That doesn’t mean refusing to have his daughter if there’s no other option but it does mean taking OP’s feelings into consideration if plans need to change to accommodate him helping out his ex and making an effort to still make a fuss of the mother of his other child on her first Mother’s Day if that’s something which means something to her.

But mothers day can still mean something if she just includes the SD.. It's not her fault where she ends up.. She's being made out as an imposition. I'm sure you'll have a nice time as a blended family.

Op if I were you I'd be doing all I could to make the SD feel welcomed and join your celebration.. It's not her fault her mother doesn't want to see her on mother's day :( personally that breaks my heart more than anything else. Your partner and son still love and cherish you irrespective of if she's there or not.

It's not just about Mother's Day though really OP, you've posted time again about this at Christmas and feeling sad that your partner is experiencing all of the "firsts" with his child and won't be as excited for your child together experiences, you've said that you and DSC were mad about each other at first but since your child arrived you just don't feel the same anymore.

I'm not saying you're wrong to feel however you feel, I don't think it's right to invalidate someone's feelings if they're struggling, but this is a much much bigger issue than just Mother's Day.

You seem really really unhappy and frustrated. You should never be feeling on edge about your SD being around on any day and saying she's a constant reminder, in a negative way, of his previous life (which is such a huge part of his life and which will never go alway) is concerning, do you resent him having had her? You say it makes you feel sick and terribly sad, but they are his family too.

I think you need to have a really open and honest conversation about this, especially as DSC spends more time at your home and you say much prefers it. She deserves to feel wanted and special just as much as you do. You have to find a balance here without pinning yourself against a child.

I'm so sorry it's so hard on you but something here has really got to change for all of your sake. Your resentment will only grow if it's not addressed one way or another and none of you deserve that.

Can you say to your partner that as it is your first Mothers day as a mother it would be nice to put your feet up & be pampered a bit?
Could he involve his daughter by letting her get a card for her mum (choose one on funky pigeon or moonpig type website)?

@SquirtleSquad you are right

I know it's something that will pass over the years I think just because it's my first, every moment feels so special to me, it would just be nice to share some of those with just me and my partner privately.

I think the main problem with being with a partner with a child is balance and sometimes I don't feel there is and that's when the frustration comes up.

I know we need to have the big talk - just nerve wracking as he's a typical bloke who doesn't really talk about feelings, he gets instantly defensive every time i bring anything up about his daughter, he'd rather just get on stuff and have a drama free simple life...but then I want to say to him ... you actively decided to have a child with someone you shouldn't have (someone he says he didn't love and she's obviously not the best mum) so you chose a stressful life!

I want to make it work and be with him forever, one thing I have definitely taken from this is how difficult it is raising children with a split up parents, it's certainly not what I want for my children.

It amazes me how well some people deal with it and i applause them.

@CoffeeBeansGalore

Can you say to your partner that as it is your first Mothers day as a mother it would be nice to put your feet up & be pampered a bit? Could he involve his daughter by letting her get a card for her mum (choose one on funky pigeon or moonpig type website)?

I like this idea but it sounds as if DD asks for attention whenever dad doing something for baby DS. This could make it tricky for OP to have a proper break.

OP does he at least do everything to take care of his DD when she is with you?

I do understand how you feel and why you’re frustrated but I agree with others suggesting that you should take all the pressure off about how ‘firsts’ should look, particularly around your DP having had them before.

It’s entirely possible that he wasn’t remotely sentimental about them first time round! That doesn’t stop you enjoying them and taking a million photos.

I also agree with with PP that it’s unusual and rather sad that DSD’s hasn’t made a point of being with her. It would be nice to include her by helping her draw a picture or make a card to take back to her mum.

I think you are being a bit precious to not want your step daughter around. Sorry OP. However, I'm not someone who attaches a lot of meaning to Mother's Day (a card, a kiss and a bunch of flowers is more than enough to keep me happy) so perhaps that's why I can't understand your point of view.