Mother's Day

[harryclr]

What does everyone do...?

We weren't supposed to have my partners daughter on that weekend but her mother changed the weekends so now our time has fallen on Mother's Day ... I bought it up to my partner and said I assume that she will be spending it with her mum, he said he wasn't sure as it was our weekend and she's probably working ...

It's my first Mother's Day, we had our baby boy 9 months ago. I desperately want it to just be us, is that evil / selfish of me? I want to try and explain how precious certain days / memories are to me and should also to be to him. But I get so anxious bringing anything up that involves me not wanting to have his daughter with us as I'll just get shut down and made to feel guilty. I'm not saying I never want her with us, that's ridiculous but I feel as though the are certain times where stepmoms shouldn't to be made to feel bad or guilty.
I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now. Also, having a 5yr old around just means the whole day will be revolved around her as it always is.

I am just interested what people do abs how they cope with it. Thanks x

You need to prioritise yourself here. I don't mean by having Mother's Day in the way you would like, but in doing some serious work in coming to terms with your circumstances.

Think about your own child and how connected to her you are. Think about someone then suggesting she should be around on certain days because that other person wants the day to be about them. I (and I suspect most mothers), would absolutely not tolerate it. Nor should your should your partner.

You are already noticing how hard it is to co parent when separated and noticing that you don't want that for yourself. Please think about the consequences for your relationship of telling your partner his daughter can't be around on Mother's Day, because I am not sure that will do very much to solidify your relationship.

Said kindly, not very much happens at all on Mother's Day, beyond a card a kiss and a bunch of flowers. It really is not worth the amount of upset this is causing you. You are of course allowed to feel however you feel, and you need to work out what that means for you and your relationship going ahead. There will be numerous events I suspect where you would prefer it to be just the three of you. This is very wrong and you need to either come to terms with it or move on, otherwise you are going to live such an unhappy life where days which are supposed to be happy are sad and stressful, and that is no good for anyone

DSD is with us every weekend so of course here for MD morning since my own DD was born. Please try and think of your DSD in this she’s only little and is your own baby’s sibling (half sibling!). If your baby is anything like mine they will idolise their older sibling as they grow 😊 MD for me (by choice) mainly consists of breakfast in bed, lie in. I’m not fussed on going out for a lunch on a busy day when places are packed with other folks taking their mums out!!!
I do know and understand it can be tough, I really do. Regarding ‘firsts’ I do think every child is different and the first with each will be just as special. When I had DD I did wonder myself but actually kids are all so different everything is new!
Hopefully your DP will sort out a card/gift for DSDs mum too - I think it’s a really important gesture.

Could you celebrate Mother’s Day on a different day, your baby doesn’t know the difference? Especially this year where it’s not like you would be going out for a Mother’s Day pub lunch or anything like that.
Or
Could DP get his DD involved in making you a special Mother’s Day treat e.g. cookies or cupcakes, at 5yo she would enjoy doing that, while you snuggle with baby. Then he could take his DD and your baby out for a walk while you relax with a cuppa and one of the cakes!
Do you mark the occasion of Mother’s Day with your own Mum, OP? (Apologies if you have lost your Mum or do not have a relationship with her).

I would also really caution any idea around criticising around his choice of mother for his first child. It has really no bearing whatsoever on his love for, and time spent with, his other child. She could be Mother Theresa and it would have no impact on the Mother's Day thing. It just feels like unnecessary criticism about something that can't be changed.

It's not her fault her mother doesn't want to see her on mother's day

Erm...the OP has made it clear that mum is working. That’s really not the a case of not wanting to see her child but practicalities like keeping the roof over her head, perhaps?

Honestly Mother's Day is usually a present and card, then it's a normal day. It's a Hallmark holiday and it's not like having a birthday.
If your SD mum has to work that's unfortunate but I can understand her not turning it down. It's not her daughters birthday and she will see her just after it.
Thing is you chose to be with a man who has a child, accepting he has done those things before. He can't change that and the little girl can't help it that she was born before you met.
If he doesn't want to swap his weekend and she is working, you have to get on with it. It's one of those things.

We have generally spent Mother’s Day with my family and my in laws (apart from last year due to lockdown). My SS has always been with his mum. Surprisingly my in laws seem to prefer this as we get a chance to talk properly! Although, with a 2 year old around now that is about to change. Perhaps you could celebrate on a day you don’t have SD if it’s really important to you?

Isn't Mothers' Day really to acknowledge and thank your own mother, or MIL, rather than yourself? IME, all that mothers of young children get is a quick hug, a cup of tea, a handprint card from nursery and maybe a bunch of flowers or chocolates from the supermarket (if there's a Dad around to sort that). It isn't a special, magical bonding day that justifies rescheduling a child's contact time with her father...unless of course she herself particularly asks to spend the day with her mum. Just a thought, have you also considered what are you going to do on Fathers' Day?

Sorry....mistype.....what you are going to do on Fathers' Day?

It’s not very clear but my impression is that the child hasn’t quite adjusted to being a sibling and sharing her daddy’s attention yet.
There are some who would say that the NRP must prioritise their non resident children over their resident children, because they don’t see them as often, but then you’ve got the resident children dropped like hot potatoes as the red carpet is rolled out for their older half siblings, and I don’t think this can possibly be healthy for any of the children.
So it’s good your DH is still present for your baby. But I wonder about involving your DSD in the baby’s care?
My DSD sometimes gets on my nerves, and i could do without the occasional ex aggro she comes with
BUT
She’s my DS favourite person in the whole wide world and it’s beautiful to see. They light up around each other, laughter fills the house and it’s amazing.
She’s been involved from the start, picking outfits and the colour of his room, handing nappies and wipes, feeding him his first mushy food, coaching him for his fist steps, now she’s teaching him everything she knows about the world of animal noises...
DH operates as a father of two when she is here, there’s none of this battling for attention nonsense.
I think my point is to think about whether there’s a way to find the joy in having her around again? Are you collectively missing a trick?
Mother’s day is just another card and flower buying day, as PP said I think you’ve got a bigger picture to think about.

[quote harryclr]@SquirtleSquad you are right

I know it's something that will pass over the years I think just because it's my first, every moment feels so special to me, it would just be nice to share some of those with just me and my partner privately.

I think the main problem with being with a partner with a child is balance and sometimes I don't feel there is and that's when the frustration comes up.

I know we need to have the big talk - just nerve wracking as he's a typical bloke who doesn't really talk about feelings, he gets instantly defensive every time i bring anything up about his daughter, he'd rather just get on stuff and have a drama free simple life...but then I want to say to him ... you actively decided to have a child with someone you shouldn't have (someone he says he didn't love and she's obviously not the best mum) so you chose a stressful life!

I want to make it work and be with him forever, one thing I have definitely taken from this is how difficult it is raising children with a split up parents, it's certainly not what I want for my children.

It amazes me how well some people deal with it and i applause them. [/quote]
Oh wow, you lost me there OP, when you said her mum is obviously not the best mum.

Why? Because she is working on mothers day?

And before you say 'yeah, typical birth mum point of view', I'm the stepmum. I have a great relationship with the mum of my DSC and would never accuse her of being a shitty mum just because she worked on a day that was invented to honour ALL mothers.

So much for the sisterhood.

I was just coming in to say what @Newcastleteacake said!

Of course your partner wants a stress free life, who doesn't. You say he gets defensive every time you bring up issues surrounding his daughter? Are there other issues too OP? It sounds like you've have created a divide between you and your DC and your DSD.
He had a child with "someone he shouldn't have/didn't love" 🙄 but you also bought into the relationship with him knowing he had a child from a previous relationship and must have understood that this would involve some compromise.
I do think you are being a bit precious about the whole thing and I feel really quite sorry for your DSD.

For the record, as you asked. My exH and I have an alternate weekend arrangement in place for my DC. We have it written down that if the DC happen to be with him on the weekend that Mother's Day falls on, then we re-jig the arrangements so that we get to be together on Mother's Day and we do exactly the same for Father's Day.

Obviously harder to do when one or both parents have potential weekend work commitments but that's what we do.

you actively decided to have a child with someone you shouldn't have (someone he says he didn't love and she's obviously not the best mum) so you chose a stressful life!
Really? But the 'yiu chose a man who already has a child doesn't apply to you?

Sadly you come across as one of those SMs whom it tolerates her SC because she has no choice and daydreams that they don't exist.

Then acting surprise when the dad is on the defensive and the child start to act out.

You don't want her there because you want all the attention from your OH on this day and resent that you SD could get any. You're not a child any longer. You child is still too young to understand the meaning of the day and your OH, although happy to celebrate doesn't see it as such a special day only you should get his full attention.

If you can't see how YOU are putting yourself in a position of competition with a child, then things are likely to oy get worse when she is old enough to understand what you are doing and pick you up on the challenge.

Another option is celebrate the weekend after. We had to do that before as mothers day is usually near my DH and MIL birthday's. I think it was he same weekend as DH's 40th one year and I had booked us a weekend away. So we just celebrated mothers day the following weekend when we had the children (they had stayed with in laws).

How long have you been together @harryclr?
I think you're in for a hard time of you constantly worry that your partner's done it all before. He's had four or five father's days, Easter egg hunts, first pair of shoes, first steps. You can't let that get in the way of enjoying your memories with your baby that you create. I would also get defensive about my kids. If my husband said he didn't want my kids from a previous relationship at our house on father's day I'd be really hurt and offended.

Its a commercialised holiday, a card a mug surely should do and a maybe a walk.Lets not forget we were in lockdown in a pandemic nothings open anyways . Why not bake with the 5 year old you're child is baby. Last year I didn't even get a card or present because we were were isolating and couldn't leave the house due to ds having a temperature kids ending up making me some cards.

@Newcastleteacake there is obviously a lot more too it that is too long to go into but I understand that comment can be read differently.

Since being a mum myself I have actually felt more for the BM and have given her more benefit of the doubt unlike my DP who just thinks she's not good enough. I understand she has to work but she has a job where shifts can be moved around, I couldn't imagine not wanting to be with my children on Mother's Day.

For those asking about my mum, it's quite a stressful topic but I see her a lot each week and me and my sisters often take turns on days like Mother's Day as we don't all live near eachother and of course at the moment we're not allowed to be with eachother. Seeing as we do have SD it's likely we'll probably see my partners mum as she is in our childcare bubble and gets tested each week for work.

I do agree with most comments though, I'm making a bigger deal out of a day that's just for money making I suppose.

[quote harryclr]@Newcastleteacake there is obviously a lot more too it that is too long to go into but I understand that comment can be read differently.

Since being a mum myself I have actually felt more for the BM and have given her more benefit of the doubt unlike my DP who just thinks she's not good enough. I understand she has to work but she has a job where shifts can be moved around, I couldn't imagine not wanting to be with my children on Mother's Day.

For those asking about my mum, it's quite a stressful topic but I see her a lot each week and me and my sisters often take turns on days like Mother's Day as we don't all live near eachother and of course at the moment we're not allowed to be with eachother. Seeing as we do have SD it's likely we'll probably see my partners mum as she is in our childcare bubble and gets tested each week for work.

I do agree with most comments though, I'm making a bigger deal out of a day that's just for money making I suppose. [/quote]
Moving shifts around in a job is not easy and she may not want to do that and instead save it for something else. That is what I'd be doing, I wouldn't swap a shift for Mother's Day and my son is 10. I'm a great mum, that has no reflection on what kind of mother I am.
You can't imagine not spending a Mother's Day without your child but not being rude, this is your first. Maybe in a few years you'll have a different opinion, or maybe if you have a job that asks you to work.

Since being a mum myself I have actually felt more for the BM and have given her more benefit of the doubt unlike my DP who just thinks she's not good enough. I understand she has to work but she has a job where shifts can be moved around, I couldn't imagine not wanting to be with my children on Mother's Day*

Don't call her BM its just DM its rude and derogatory term for adoption purposes she has full custody. How dare you judge her for working mothers day. I'm.a swimming teacher if I'm contracted to work a Sunday its my working day I work its a commercial holiday the same as valentines day and fathers day. You have no right to sit on you high horse and judge her quite frankly its appalling behaviour. You dp clearly thought h was good enough to have unprotected sex with her though didn't he and have a relationship with until that ended and his tune changed.

As others have said you are putting too much emphasis on a day. You also need to get over the fact your dh has already celebrated everything already with another child. We have celebrated everything with our first son, our second’s son first Christmas/birthday was just as special as his brothers so your dh can still celebrate his son’s firsts as well as his daughter’s.

I also think there is a lot of judgement over the mum working Mother’s Day. Dads working on Father’s Day never get the same judgement.

Do you realise how offensive your posts are to working parents?

Personally I think it's important for all children to see that we cannot have everything we want all the time, sometimes work has to come first.

I can't imagine raising my children to think that anything can't be celebrated on a different day when circumstances require. You run the risk of instilling unnecessary anxiety in your child if it's not always possible to do things exactly when and how an arbitrary day dictates.

Please be careful OP, my DS is on the verge of adulthood and his relationship is rubbish with his Dad - who never prioritised him over his wife and their children, used to push him away because it didn't suit them (his wife generally) to have DS.

I wouldn't have expected him to always come first, but he was an obvious inconvenience all round, He was a tricky to manage young boy, I admit that, but he was desperate to feel wanted and was regularly reminded that he wasn't - esp as he got older (he was able to work it out for himself)

His Dad and wife separated when DS was about 13 and things got a bit better, but the damage was already done. His Dad also made more of an effort with the children he'd had with his wife - he was closer to them as he'd brought them up, so understandable that they were close, but again another thing that made DS realise he wasn't ever going to be a priority in his Dads life.

Subsequently as he's gone through his teens, and had more say over when he sees his Dad etc, he's really not that bothered. It's sad to see but his Dad has made his bed and needs to lie in it.

I blame his Dad for the vast majority, but I also feel anger towards his ex wife who knew DS existed before they got together (we were friends!!). I know on MN there's a common belief that children from a previous relationship have to understand they take a back seat when their NRP remarries but I find that so tough to listen to after DS's experience. He was a child. He didn't ask for his Dad to walk away. If we'd stayed together then DS would, I'd hope, have been a priority to his Dad. However because we didnt, he isn't?! I just don't get it.

I met someone when DS was a toddler. I told him straight away about DS and he had to understand that he was my number 1. I'd always try and make time for our relationship - we had EOW without DS- but if DS needed me then he would as much as possible come first, just like he would if I was still with his Dad.
We got married 2 years later and 13 years on are very happy. Maybe I was wrong to be so firm as telling him right at the beginning about DS, but I wanted to be honest with him. DS needed me, he certainly couldn't have two parents who went on to have another adult who was more important than him.

I couldn't imagine not wanting to be with my children on Mother's Day
But that's you and different doesn't make it wrong.

They'll celebrate in the evening, it's not like she won't see her at all or even call.

You seem more judgemental because it indispose you then because you really think that working on a mother's day is a terrible thing to do.

‘I couldn't imagine not wanting to be with my children on Mother's Day’

All the more reason to make your DSD feel included in any Mother’s Day celebration in your house OP. You have the opportunity to create more bonds with your DSD rather than creating more division, whatever you and your DP’s thoughts on her Mum’s parenting. It might seem harder work at first but your whole family and especially your baby will benefit in the future from having a more positive blended family.