Mother's Day

[harryclr]

What does everyone do...?

We weren't supposed to have my partners daughter on that weekend but her mother changed the weekends so now our time has fallen on Mother's Day ... I bought it up to my partner and said I assume that she will be spending it with her mum, he said he wasn't sure as it was our weekend and she's probably working ...

It's my first Mother's Day, we had our baby boy 9 months ago. I desperately want it to just be us, is that evil / selfish of me? I want to try and explain how precious certain days / memories are to me and should also to be to him. But I get so anxious bringing anything up that involves me not wanting to have his daughter with us as I'll just get shut down and made to feel guilty. I'm not saying I never want her with us, that's ridiculous but I feel as though the are certain times where stepmoms shouldn't to be made to feel bad or guilty.
I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now. Also, having a 5yr old around just means the whole day will be revolved around her as it always is.

I am just interested what people do abs how they cope with it. Thanks x

@harryclr firstly you feelings are valid and understandable. You are a mum ❤ and therefore you are entitled to feel how you feel. Sometimes as step parents you are expected to put everyone else's needs/wants and feelings above your own and suck it up like a Dyson. Not only is that impossible, it can also be very unhealthy. You are only human and most likey envisioned what your first mothers day will be with your little family, as alot of mothers have done and you have every right to have that vision and excitement as does every mother regardless of their circumstances. Now mother day varies from family to family but this is your first one and you know what , you want a fuss , as you should. Now having your step daughter may add a different layer but maybe discuss this with your partner to involve her. I don't think changing arrangements is ideal but it could be an amazing chance for your step daughter to make a fuss of you too as a mother figure in her life. And make a fuss of your baby as well as a family unit. It's not losing what you envisioned but expanding it a tad. All mums deserve to be celebrated on mother day and make the most of it !

@Teardrop2021 fair enough to be judgemental to me but there is a lot more too it which I don't need to go into.

She always changes contact time, almost every week and at the last minute.

I only said BM because people to use initials on these forums, I've only started using them for the last couple of months. I think all the DS DD etc are a bit odd personally, I had to google what they all stood for!

I'm also not judging working mums at all! I admire all working parents and I work myself. She does shift work so can change all the time.
I just know I would like to spend time with my children on these silly yet nice days.

What is you want from Mothers Day? Your son is too young to do anything. So your expecting attention from your partner and having DSC around will take that attention?
Normal celebration is a 5 minute card and flowers and hopefully day off cooking, so don't see how it imposes. You can celebrate it on another day in lieu if it's that important to you. But a real issue here is you need to see yourself as a blended family she's part of.

I couldn’t imagine not wanting to be with my children on Mother's Day

ODFOD. Seriously. This is a woman you admit your DP barely knows and yet you know with absolute certainty she’s a shit mother and you know with even more certainty that in her workplace, she could have swapped her shifts around to be with her child on Mother’s Day. And the use of the phrase BM to boot. Nailed your colours to the mast there, OP. Horrible.

Your dp has 2 children, I would suggest trying to get over the "special time, just our little family, three of us" thoughts quickly because it will cause you lots of anguish and upset, why can't your dp look after both kids and give you a break? Mother's Day is just a hangover from when servants didn't get time off anyway, it's primarily a religious festival.

I just know I would like to spend time with my children on these silly yet nice days

Wonderful that it’s not you working flat out to support your children and keep a roof over your head like thousands of others at this bloody awful time in the history of just about everything. But I suspect that whatever this woman - and any other woman having to work on MOther’s Day - do it would never be enough.

You need to get yourself into the real world. You don’t want people judging you, stop judging them

Thank you @Userwoman1990 x

I do get it OP, it is a bit of a tough pill to swallow having difficult SC around on special occasions. My SS absolutely ruined two of my birthday's, which I am now very pleased won't fall on the weekend for many years! He also did his utmost to spoil my DDs first birthday party, which I was livid about.

But Mother's Day when you have small children is really just a quick ten minutes in the morning, followed by the odd bit of pampering from your partner throughout the day. The kids are still just kids and need looking after. When they're older, it might turn into being taken out for a meal etc, but at your DCs age it's not going to be a massive event, and certainly not one that couldn't be managed with another child around. If your partner can't make a fuss of you and divert his attention from his DD enough to make you the odd cup of tea and tell you how much he appreciates you, then that really doesn't reflect well on him.

He has two children, one shouldn’t be left out because his newest partner thinks they should.

If you wanted all “firsts” then maybe having a child with a man who already has an existing child wasn’t the way to go.

Some mothers days I have my DDs here, some I have SS and my youngest DD some I have none of them. No matter which it is I will have a moment in the day were they all acknowledge me in some way. Then I see my own mother and MIL. I'm not sure what your expectations are you have a baby? So it isnt what you expect your child to do but actually that you expect your dp to give you his full undivided attention? I assume though that means your child his undivided attention also which then actually isn't about you at all. It is perfectly possible that he would have his dad and your son and leave you to have a lie in, read a book make you lunch what ever it is that you feel would make you feel appreciated. It happens in houses all around the world were there is more than one child in the family.

I always read your posts and in every one the sentiment and feeling I get from them is you tolerate your dsd and feel like you are doing your DP a favour in allowing him to have her as much as he does, along with the over riding feeling that you him and your ds are your little family and she's an inconvenience to that. Ultimately one that you wish didn't exist.

So it isnt the senario you want advice on but the validation that those feelings you have are OK. I personally don't think they are if you want a healthy and happy relationship. I wouldn't be married to Dh if that is how he felt about my dd and he wouldn't be married to me if I felt like that about his son.

When I read your posts they come across and quite petty and jealous of the fact your dp has another child. That is beyond being annoyed at schedule changing etc. Its an embedded feeling that will taint how your approach anything to do your dsd and his relationship with her.

You say he chose to have a child with some one he didn't love there for bringing stress into his life yet lack the ability to see you chose to have a child with someone who already had one therefore doing the exact same thing you want your dp to recognise and be grateful for you tolerating.

No matter how much you wish or play pretend your child is his second and there is another child in your immediate family unit and posting on here won't change that.

Its like he is being set up to fail and you are hell bent on making him pick you and your child that you see in competition with his older one. To be honest reading your posts and the themes behind them I understand why he is defensive and I would be to. I wouldn't want to live in a house with someone who tolerates my child the way you seem to from your posts.

You come across obsessed with the firsts he has or hasn't done with his older child its like a competition.

Honestly get some counselling work through the resentment you have that your family unit isn't the one you had imagined for yourself but did choose.

Get your DP to go and see if you can build a family that you both can actually be happy in with your partner, your dsd and your child. If you can't sit down and talk it through the two of you.

If not break up move on with your life but the grass may not be greener being the resident parent and trying to bring up your child in a seperated family and then you being the person bringing a child into another relationship but it might give you another perspective to the one you have now.

I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now.

The thing is, it won't be "the first" for him whether his DD is there or not. Her not being there won't make it any more (or less) exciting for him. He has already done it all before and that can't change.

The problem isn't really Mother's Day. You need to sort out these feelings and accept that things are never going to be "the first"* otherwise it's just going to be miserable.

*Other than being his first son.

Hmm I can see why you feel that way, but I do think you are wrong to try and reserve the day just for the 3 of you. Maybe try and think of it as celebrating being a fantastic step mum and mum, 2 in 1, and remind dp that you need double the treats!

Bit harsh that people are saying her mum won't want to spend the day with her. Lots of people can't spend the day with their mums for lots of reasons: some have to work, some might live too far away etc.

Why on earth did you get together with someone who already had children if you couldn’t handle the implications of that? It makes my blood boil when people behave like you and at the end of the day it’s the poor children that suffer. You’re a step mother, your partner has a child already. You aren’t a typical nuclear family. You knew that when you got together with him and you can’t choose to ignore the child on days that suit you. Perhaps it would be a nice opportunity for you to be appreciated in your role as step mother and mother. And I hope your husband has an inkling of quite how much fuss you’re expecting otherwise you may well be disappointed. A card, a lie in etc but it’s basically just a normal day. It’s not Christmas! I’m so fed up of reading about step mothers on here who are so emotionally immature and I feel desperately sorry for so many children being brought up against this kind of backdrop. She is a part of your family every day of every week of every month of every year, if you don’t like that why did you marry the poor child’s father?

I’m a mum and have been a step mum.

This is so sad to read. I feel very sorry for the little girl in this picture if this is how it’s going to be for her growing up around her dads family.

My initial reaction to having my step child on Mother’s Day / Birthday etc would be ‘Fab! I can get them all excited about it too, maybe get them to make cards for you and BM and make a cake or something’
I find it really strange, almost abnormal that you don’t have all this love ready to give a FIVE year old child who has no understanding around that her mum and dad aren’t together.
Just love the child and accept them as your family?????

@WhateverJudy

Why on earth did you get together with someone who already had children if you couldn’t handle the implications of that? It makes my blood boil when people behave like you and at the end of the day it’s the poor children that suffer. You’re a step mother, your partner has a child already. You aren’t a typical nuclear family. You knew that when you got together with him and you can’t choose to ignore the child on days that suit you. Perhaps it would be a nice opportunity for you to be appreciated in your role as step mother and mother. And I hope your husband has an inkling of quite how much fuss you’re expecting otherwise you may well be disappointed. A card, a lie in etc but it’s basically just a normal day. It’s not Christmas! I’m so fed up of reading about step mothers on here who are so emotionally immature and I feel desperately sorry for so many children being brought up against this kind of backdrop. She is a part of your family every day of every week of every month of every year, if you don’t like that why did you marry the poor child’s father?

Oh give it a rest.

OP, Mother’s Day aside from previous posts it sounds as if you have a DP who is dedicated to both his children.

I kind of get why you would want to ring fence the three of you, but in his eyes there is no ‘three of you’.

It sounds as if you are having quite a few arguments over DSD/‘equality’ and if you are not careful you will drive him away.

While I don’t understand it fully, I’m not saying that your feelings are not valid you feel what you feel.

However if anyone tried to exclude my DC especially in petty ways, I would begin to view that person differently, lose trust in them and probably eventually love for them.

He may be reacting more to the needs of DSD as he may feel she needs him more.

You need to find a way to accept that your child is his second child and he views both children equally. Be careful he doesn’t make the decision to split to protect his DSD knowing that his DS has a good mum so may not be as badly affected.

I'm a step mum. When the kids were younger, they would have been with us on mother's day if that is the weekend they were with us. We would go to shops to get flowers and make a card for their mum. I don't see the problem.

I find it really strange, almost abnormal that you don’t have all this love ready to give a FIVE year old child who has no understanding around that her mum and dad aren’t together.
Just love the child and accept them as your family?????

This comment is very naive. I agree that there is a definite theme in OPs posts if her struggling with the mere concept of having a SC, rather than the practicalities of it, and for her own sake as well as everyone else's she would really benefit from working through that.

But there is nothing at all "abnormal" about not automatically loving somebody else's five year old, that is gaslighting at it's finest.

OP, this is your first child, and it is only normal that you have all of the feelings and emotions that come with having your first child. Your partner has 2 children and it is only normal that he has all of the feelings that come with being the partner of multiple children.

Wanting to recapture the " first-time experience " in any situation is not unlike wanting to be a virgin the second or third time that you have sex. Once you are no longer a virgin, the virginity ship has sailed. That does not mean that sex cannot be better ( and it almost always is better) but no amount of wishing, wanting, and fantasizing will make you a virgin again.
Living in your particular reality trumps brooding about might have beens or should have beens.

Assuming that you are not married to your partner, think how you will feel if he has yet another child with yet another partner. Will you really want your child to be left out of his consideration in order to satisfy the fantasy of his then partner?

you sound extremely selfish

No you don't. You sound like you want your first Mother's Day to be about you and your first and only child. That's not villainous. That's not selfish. That's normal.

Sadly you come across as one of those SMs whom it tolerates her SC because she has no choice and daydreams that they don't exist

Sadly? Or realistically and honestly. Anyone in a SM position, who has to deal with disruption, often deliberately, from the ExW. Children who are seen as royalty because they popped out first, whilst the SM has to enjoy her "firsts" alone because it's all old hat to everyone else. Anyone in that position, who is honest enough to say, our lives would be so much easier if it wasn't for that situation, should not be judged for their honesty. Because their lives would be easier. It doesn't mean they didn't know this and still chose the relationship, or wish their SC evaporated. But absolutely (having been in two relationships with SC) one situation, they were an absolute pleasure to be around and we are still in contact a decade on, and the other, the mother was horrendous and she projected it through her children, and absolutely, I wished that situation wasn't there, and it was a major factor in me ending that relationship. That's not me being the wicked stepmother. That was an ExW with bile. I'm not a bad person. And the fact I still speak regularly to the other SC, because they're lovely young adults, is testament to both them and I.

OP your baby is as important in this situation, and more important to you than your SC, because you have no parental responsibility to that child. If you split up with DH (theoretically) tomorrow, you wouldn't see that child, aged 5, again.

I think you have to make the best of what you feel is a bad situation. You only get one first, and it's being taken from you. Nothing disrupted the ExW first mother's day though did it. I get it, why should she get a first, but you're the arse for wanting that equality. How long is DSD with you on that day? Short hours as it's a Sunday working shift for the mum? Can you do something when she's gone home, or before she arrives?

You are not a bad person

I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now.

99.999% of the chance that it didn't happen like that. We imagine that our men did all those special romantic things with their exes. If they were so great, probably they would still be together....

Usually on Mother's day, your husband makes a little effort, but the day continues as always.

I split with my partner when my daughter was 1.8 months. If our birthdays, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day falls on each other’s weekends etc we just celebrate the following one as we have work commitments etc so we don’t bother swapping and him and his new wife make plans for when they don’t have DD so can’t be arsed with back and forth. His wife has been a big part of my DD life, they celebrate with her daughter and granddaughter, my DD always gets her a card, chcos and some Prosecco and same at Xmas. I’ve had mother’s days with and without just like he’s had Father’s Day, the line of communication is open between us and if something special was planned etc and the swap could happen we would.

Your baby won't have a clue what's going on, if you're in the UK you can't do anything anyway.
What exact were you planning to do ?
Massive cliche and very MN but - you knew he had a child. If you wanted all the firsts you should've had a baby with someone who didn't already have one.

And if you split up would you be happy for your child ti be left out in favour of someone else?

Do people really let 'lovey dovey' on Mother's Day? That's a new one on me!