Mother's Day

[harryclr]

What does everyone do...?

We weren't supposed to have my partners daughter on that weekend but her mother changed the weekends so now our time has fallen on Mother's Day ... I bought it up to my partner and said I assume that she will be spending it with her mum, he said he wasn't sure as it was our weekend and she's probably working ...

It's my first Mother's Day, we had our baby boy 9 months ago. I desperately want it to just be us, is that evil / selfish of me? I want to try and explain how precious certain days / memories are to me and should also to be to him. But I get so anxious bringing anything up that involves me not wanting to have his daughter with us as I'll just get shut down and made to feel guilty. I'm not saying I never want her with us, that's ridiculous but I feel as though the are certain times where stepmoms shouldn't to be made to feel bad or guilty.
I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now. Also, having a 5yr old around just means the whole day will be revolved around her as it always is.

I am just interested what people do abs how they cope with it. Thanks x

What's shameful is telling a woman who is so jealous that her DH had a life before her that she cannot bear to have his 5 year old child around her, that these feeling are okay and not a sign of something being fundamentally wrong.

"To go back into someone's history and start a debate about it without them being involved is not appropriate."

it's not considered amazingly good form, however some people post the same things again and again and again and take absolutely no notice (like the woman with the snack drawer and the castle bed and the step kids sleeping on the landing and the dp who drank £200 of Pepsi max every month). if it really was inappropriate, mnhq would remove the search facility.

What's shameful is telling a woman who is so jealous that her DH had a life before her that she cannot bear to have his 5 year old child around her, that these feeling are okay and not a sign of something being fundamentally wrong
I think everyone has agreed that something is fundamentally wrong. The root cause of it, or even if the root cause should be explored and discussed, is what’s dividing opinion.

[quote BallsToYouSue]@Frazzled99

Just to respond, no, I'm not your DP's ex. I am still together with my first boyfriend, who I met when we were teenagers! So, nobody's ex really .

Thank you for clarifying that you didn't mean me re delving into her past! That did get my back up, as none of my posts to the op have been in amy way unkind. That would never be my intention. My language towards you...? Bullish? Perhaps. But then you did bound on to the thread with an agenda, which you have since admitted to, (you dislike MN, don't think step parents should be on here, but you are going to stay on here yourself, a stepmum, because you want to ally yourself with other step parents against the rest of mumsnet).

And I don't think I twisted the truth of your words, but I did misunderstand your comment, which looked as if it was directed at me because you had just tagged me before you said it 🤷‍♀️.

As I said though, you need to calm down before we continue any kind of debate on here. If you are hanging round a forum you dislike, spoiling for a fight, you have picked the wrong target really. I don't engage for long with that sort of shit .

All the best to you though and I hope things improve for you with your step parenting situation.[/quote]
Ok. Sigh...here we go again. I didn't 'bound onto the thread with an agenda' I simply replied to OP's original post, it was actually your sarcastic, rather rude reply that started the whole 'disagreement'.

Nope, wrong again. I'm not here to ally with SMs against the rest of MN. I'm here to support SMs as I genuinely believe at times they need defending from the wrath of some (not all) of MN. You're right, there is definitely a better place for them, but it's sad that it has to be that way as really this should be a forum for everyone. I won't reply again so you can have the last word now if you feel the need

When a person posts on MN they are asking for opinions. That's what gives every poster a right to 'speculate', as you put it. Ordinarily I wouldn't agree with going back through previous threads but sometimes it gives a more full and relevant picture of what has been going on. Posters are trying to improve this family's situation, to prevent a defenceless child from being made to feel unwelcome in her own home and to stop the OP from behaving in a way that might result in her child one day being the unwanted step child, if she and her DH break up. Where's the harm in telling a woman to talk to her HV or Dr about the feelings she has about her family?

Thanks @Frazzled99, and really, hope things improve for you

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

When a person posts on MN they are asking for opinions. That's what gives every poster a right to 'speculate', as you put it. Ordinarily I wouldn't agree with going back through previous threads but sometimes it gives a more full and relevant picture of what has been going on. Posters are trying to improve this family's situation, to prevent a defenceless child from being made to feel unwelcome in her own home and to stop the OP from behaving in a way that might result in her child one day being the unwanted step child, if she and her DH break up. Where's the harm in telling a woman to talk to her HV or Dr about the feelings she has about her family?

I'm really not engaging in this anymore. You all seem to think your actions and advice are justified so I'll let you get on with it.

@Crystalclair

Frazzeled - I promised myself I wouldn't add no more to this thread, but seriously! Cyber bullying? OP's posts in all her other threads highlight her dislike for having her DSC around false stop. This really isn't just about mothers day.

If a 5 year old girl came on here to say her SM never wants her around and just wants to be with her sibling and dad.. what would you think/feel? Because I've always believed that the children, who dont really have a voice, should be considered above all.

Your problem is you think that anybody should be considered "above all". There is absolutely no reason why life has to work that way.

If a 5 year old girl were to say that then I would course sympathise with her greatly, but if I had the chance to speak to the SM in question, I wouldn't just go in shouting that she was a monster, I would consider the situation from her perspective and, after hearing how her partner behaves around the situation, sympathise with both of them. It is entirely possible to do both whilst still emphasising that it isn't ok for the 5 year old to be hurt by her behaviour and something does need to change.

The SM in the above scenario would have a lot more to answer for than this OP, as there would actually be evidence the 5 year old was actively aware of her feelings.

Totally agree MrsHunt. A lot of hyperbole on here really.

I understand the defensiveness, as definitely, a number of boards on here can be harsh towards stepmums. I don't think this is one of them and it does irk me when anything other than gushing agreement on here is met with "ah yeah, well you would say that cos mumsnet hates stepmums and you're probably an exw yourself so nerr". Such lazy thinking and I don't think it's the case at all.

And I've agreed with a lot of your posts too @aSofaNearYou. There definitely is something up. Like you, I initially thought it was the DP, but is that it? OP says absolutely not 🤔. I think telling op her situation is perfectly normal and she should continue to battle with her DP everytime her dsd is there for a day op doesn't want seems misplaced. It comes from a good place etc, but not sure it's helping.

@BallsToYouSue

And I've agreed with a lot of your posts too *@aSofaNearYou*. There definitely is something up. Like you, I initially thought it was the DP, but is that it? OP says absolutely not 🤔. I think telling op her situation is perfectly normal and she should continue to battle with her DP everytime her dsd is there for a day op doesn't want seems misplaced. It comes from a good place etc, but not sure it's helping.

I think it's probably a combination of both tbh, but what OP describes of her partner's attitude around her speaking about his daughter is a massive red flag to me.

It's something I've encountered being a feature of emotionally controlling and abusive relationships time and time again, often one's where the people involved don't realise at the time that's what they're doing and what's going on, and often for a long time. A person could be perfectly nice the majority of the time, but extreme defensiveness in the face of important conversations, coupled with insults designed to make the other person feel like they are intrinsically awful, or abnormal, grinds them down and lowers their self worth bit by bit until they can't see the wood from the trees, and will continually stay in the situation as they are being convinced by the person they love that they are inherently wrong and deserve no better. Presumably OP has been stuck with primarily that voice, post partum, for the best part of a year. I do find that quite worrying, and adverse affects on MH quite likely.

It is entirely possible, likely in fact, that OP went into the relationship not really cut out to be a SP, and unhappy with the situation from the start. But few really know whether they will be able to handle it once they are in the situation, and the right thing to do as her partner would have been to say it's just not going to work and leave. The absolute worst thing he could do is "neg" her, but stay with her. If he truly believed she was evil, he should never have stayed, had a baby with her, and subjected his daughter to her. If, as is more likely, he doesn't genuinely think she is evil, then he has no business using such language when talking to her and I do think it can have very damaging effects.

I don't think it is less important than a five year old's emotional wellbeing. I think they are both important.

"every moment feels so special to me, it would just be nice to share some of those with just me and my partner privately"

Haven't rtft so I'm sure things have moved on... but isn't all the time that your DSD isn't staying with you, time that you share with your partner privately.

Unless he is the resident parent you likely have 50%+ time with your partner privately. How much time in comparison does your DSD get to share privately with her Dad?

I'm not surprised the poor child is trying to cling to her Dad's attention when you are all together. Your resentment towards her presence is clear as day just through text on a screen, so she'll sure as hell be picking it up in person.

OP and her DP have 60% custody I believe @Winterjoy.

Yes, I wondered about the dp too sofa, because, so often on this board, stepmums post with a 'dsc problem' or even a 'DP's exw' problem and then, after a little delving it turns out the DP is a shit or just really lazy and expecting his dp (the stepmum) to do all his childcare for him! Or he won't say no to his dc when they treat his DP like shit etc.

And yes, in those cases too, it's "he's actually great, it's just this ONE issue...".

Not wanting to generalise or be too hard on men! Obviously they aren't all like that at all and it's just on this board you sometimes just see the worst relationships.

And these aren't abusive relationships, I don't think...just not very good ones!

What is a 9 month old going to do for you on mothers day ? Its just a day
Your dh is a father 365 days a year And has he had a child already its something to be prepared for

And what is a 1yr old going to do on it's first birthday? Best not bother there either. There is no expectation of the child. This is OPs first mother's day. The first time she will be a mother to her first child, on the day that celebrates mother's

It's clearly important to OP as it is for most women. But looking at posts the SC is spending mother's day with her own mother now. The best thing for her too.

@AfterEightsBeforeEight

And what is a 1yr old going to do on it's first birthday? Best not bother there either. There is no expectation of the child. This is OPs first mother's day. The first time she will be a mother to her first child, on the day that celebrates mother's

It's clearly important to OP as it is for most women. But looking at posts the SC is spending mother's day with her own mother now. The best thing for her too.

Exactly.

Some of the comments are so ridiculous. Luckily the OP has long gone and everything that's gone on in this post can be forgotten. It's one of the worst I've seen.

I haven't read all the replies, just OPs.

I think, and I'm saying this genuinely not to be cruel, that you sound quite insecure OP. You obviously have issues around the fact your partner had a life previously with his ex and child and that he isn't experiencing the same 'firsts' as you.

I really hate it when people say this but this was always the way it was going to be because he already has a child. I think you need to take steps to deal with your feelings around this before it builds up into resentment you can't control.

I honestly always stick up for SMs on here but, whilst I appreciate your feelings and emotions are heightened right now and I don't want to invalidate them, a lot of what you say in your posts I can't really get behind.

Perhaps it's just because I don't put a huge emphasis on Mother's Day but I don't really understand why it's such a big deal that his daughter is there. I mean really, isn't it usually just a brew and some chocolates / flowers and then a normal day? Especially when your child is too young themselves to really do anything. Your DH can still spoil you a little if that's what you want, give you a lie in, a brew, breakfast in bed or whatever. His DD being there doesn't have to mean he can't do that. Unless he leaves everything to do with her care to you in which case that's a different subject all together.

I actually am all for SMs being able to ask for some 'private time' to themselves with their partners in certain scenarios, the main one imo being when they have just given birth. I don't think it has to be some huge emotionally scarring event for DSC to stay with their other parent for a few days when their SM has just given birth like some posters here would have you believe. But I just can't get as worked up about something like Mother's Day.

Yes you should be allowed to have 'mummy experiences' to put it how another PP did, but those will look slightly different to how another person's will occasionally by virtue of the fact the person you married has a child with someone else. It just is the way it is. There is no one way to enjoy these experiences anyway, it's not less than just because it's not his first although I think you'd find that hard to see at the moment.

I hope you're able to move past these feelings, it can't be nice for you to feel this way. I hope soon you can realise there really is no need to put so much emphasis on 'firsts' in the way that you are. First for you as a mum are lovely obviously but just because they aren't technically your husband's firsts doesn't mean he won't be appreciating them just as much.

My son is not my DHs first child. All our firsts he's already technically done with his ex. But our son is unique, he's an individual, he isn't the same as my DSC, so in a way we have had many 'firsts' simply because he's his own little person! And you know my husband absolutely adores him completely. No less because he's not his first child. Please let these notions go

Beautifully said PringleMcDingle My child is my 1st but her father’s 3rd and I can completely relate to what you are saying.

@Oceanbliss

Beautifully said PringleMcDingle My child is my 1st but her father’s 3rd and I can completely relate to what you are saying.

I think this whole firsts thing usually is just in people's minds. I can understand why someone might come to the conclusion that their partner has 'done it all before' but just watching DH with our son I know there is no need to think that way.

He still gets just as excited as I do over every milestone, you'd never know he'd technically done it all before!

Every child is unique and I'm sure any parent of multiple children will tell OP that you don't feel any less for each child and their firsts. Because they are still firsts, it's still the first time he's experienced X Y or Z with that particular child.

I’m actually really offended by this. I’m a completely devoted mum and absolutely love spending time with my DD. We do most things together and she is completely my number one priority....but....we will not be spending the day together on Mother’s Day - shock!!!

If i was only considering myself then of course I would love to be with her but she spends two midweek nights with her dad, plus every second weekend she stays over night on a Saturday night and spends the Sunday with him too.

Given a lot of her contact time is during the week and she has school, I actually think it would be quite selfish of me to deny her the time with her dad (and wouldn’t be particularly fair on her dad either). And all because of a made up commercial holiday?!

We’ll celebrate Mother’s Day together on Saturday (probably a handmade card and bake a cake together but that’s it) and maybe do something in Sunday evening but I’m offended at the suggestion that this makes me a bad mum for not stopping her from seeing her dad so she can ‘spoil me’ - surely that would be more selfish??!