Mother's Day

[harryclr]

What does everyone do...?

We weren't supposed to have my partners daughter on that weekend but her mother changed the weekends so now our time has fallen on Mother's Day ... I bought it up to my partner and said I assume that she will be spending it with her mum, he said he wasn't sure as it was our weekend and she's probably working ...

It's my first Mother's Day, we had our baby boy 9 months ago. I desperately want it to just be us, is that evil / selfish of me? I want to try and explain how precious certain days / memories are to me and should also to be to him. But I get so anxious bringing anything up that involves me not wanting to have his daughter with us as I'll just get shut down and made to feel guilty. I'm not saying I never want her with us, that's ridiculous but I feel as though the are certain times where stepmoms shouldn't to be made to feel bad or guilty.
I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now. Also, having a 5yr old around just means the whole day will be revolved around her as it always is.

I am just interested what people do abs how they cope with it. Thanks x

Of course your DSD is going to want her Dads attention when she's there, especially if she picks up that you don't really want her there.
But I totally get it that these are feelings that you probably didn't expect to have.
You have become a DM snd a DSM and the latter has huge and difficult and vital responsibilities. I disagree profoundly with the poster who says it's up to your DP to balance everyone's needs. If you're his partner it's up to you too.

Yes she is going to want his attention when she is there, but that doesn't mean it is appropriate for her to have all of it.

And what do you mean by it is OPs responsibility to balance everyone's needs? Of course it's his responsibility, he's the one with your link to both of them.

The thing people are overlooking is that OPs feelings have not emerged in a vacuum. If I remember rightly from her previous posts, her partner repeatedly accuses her of being "evil" if she says or does anything that doesn't include his DD. That will take a toll on how two people who supposedly love each other think and feel about each other, and within themselves. It's obvious there are wider issues, and he does not make her feel loved in general. I would not feel loved by someone that called me evil.

It should be perfectly possible for Mother's Day to occur when OPs step daughter is there, and have it still include OP feeling her partner's love and appreciation. But she's not wrong to think that won't happen with this particular partner, who clearly has form for disregarding OP and being very singularly focused on his daughter.

OP clearly has issues with accepting her DPs past, but again, is it any wonder given how he behaves now. As others have said, I don't need to obsess over my DPs past with his ex and first child because A) I know it wasn't all that great and B) he doesn't make me feel like a spare part now. OPs feelings are not productive or likely to lead to a harmonious family life, but I don't think she is wholly to blame. From all I have read of her threads, she has a bad partner, and that is why she is so unhappy with the situation.

Ah ffs! As I thought; a massive DP problem then.

And what do you mean by it is OPs responsibility to balance everyone's needs? Of course it's his responsibility, he's the one with your link to both of them. They're grown ups Who have chosen to have another child alongside him. They need to balance the family needs between them because it's their two opposing wishes that carry actionable weight. He can't do what's best for both children if op hates having his child exist in her perfect bubble of love because she's just the baby he shouldn't have had.

There are some absolutely pathetic women on here bleating on about how step mothers deserve all the first time mummy experiences

Of course they deserve all of those first time mummy experiences. They’re just as much of a mum as the other ones, so why shouldn’t they?

When I was a stepmum, I never felt like I couldn’t enjoy my children’s firsts. If anyone told me I should suppress my feelings because I’m being pathetic and stepmums aren’t allowed to enjoy their children’s firsts, I would have told them to fuck off.

My ex has gone through firsts before with his eldest, but that didn’t bother me to be honest. That’s him. My experience and journey as a parent is different to his and that’s the point. My eldest child is his second but he’s my first.

I’ve enjoyed all of my children’s firsts just as I have always had the right to, and when I was a stepmum I didn’t feel pathetic for wanting the first time mummy experiences with my own children.

People need to accept that a stepmum is going to be excited about her child and will enjoy being a first time mum just like any other mum.

You took on someone with a child already so you don't get to do Mothers Day or anything at all with just 'your' child unless that suits the ex
Taken in splendid isolation, this statement is why so many marriages and relationships involving steps and ex’s go tits up.
In the name of all that is holy, why should any adult put up with their entire lives revolving around what suits another person they may not even have met?
Everyone knows compromises and give and take and sucking up is required at times, but to boldly stage that a step parent can’t have anything they can decide for themselves is a bit extreme.

It's so sad to read this. Some people are really validating the OP , yet she is a grown woman who can surely look at things from another point of view, and imagine a scenario where she separates from her partner, and new woman in her child's life doesn't want her precious child around.

How would that make her feel? She would be raging and sad on her DC's behalf.

I've been a step mother twice. I still have a great relationship with first DSC from first relationship. It was hard at first, but I didnt make it anyone else problem. I dealt with it like any compassionate human and realised that the child hadn't asked for their parents to split, and I imagined a scenario where my DC were in DSC position. It made me deal with my unreasonable feelings, and I worked on building a strong relationship with DSC.

OP is an adult. She needs to deal with it, or walk away and risk being the other side of the fence with her own child.

Of course they deserve all of those first time mummy experiences. They’re just as much of a mum as the other ones, so why shouldn’t they?

For one thing "first time mummy experiences" is nauseatingly inane, and for second, the dad is not a first time parent.

People need to accept that a stepmum is going to be excited about her child and will enjoy being a first time mum just like any other mum

And you need to accept that the presence of the first child doesn't affect that in anyway....unless you're a bit of a dick. Why can't you be excited about your first MD as well include the SD? How does the SD being there take anything from you? It doesn't, does it?

They're grown ups Who have chosen to have another child alongside him. They need to balance the family needs between them because it's their two opposing wishes that carry actionable weight. He can't do what's best for both children if op hates having his child exist in her perfect bubble of love because she's just the baby he shouldn't have had.

That's not what people mean when they say he needs to balance everyone's needs, though. What is meant is that he is the one with two children and a partner, and he needs to find a way of being a good dad/partner to all of them, like everyone else. He can't, for example, leave OP to look after the baby every time his daughter is over, or call OP "evil" whenever she says she isn't happy.

I don't think many people are saying OPs feelings are healthy. But they are a natural consequence of being with someone who fails to balance the needs of everyone in his family.

aSofaNearYou - regardless of whether OP's partner balances everyone's needs, she has made it clear she prefers the DSC not to be around and it just be them three.

@Crystalclair

It's so sad to read this. Some people are really validating the OP , yet she is a grown woman who can surely look at things from another point of view, and imagine a scenario where she separates from her partner, and new woman in her child's life doesn't want her precious child around.

How would that make her feel? She would be raging and sad on her DC's behalf.

I've been a step mother twice. I still have a great relationship with first DSC from first relationship. It was hard at first, but I didnt make it anyone else problem. I dealt with it like any compassionate human and realised that the child hadn't asked for their parents to split, and I imagined a scenario where my DC were in DSC position. It made me deal with my unreasonable feelings, and I worked on building a strong relationship with DSC.

OP is an adult. She needs to deal with it, or walk away and risk being the other side of the fence with her own child.

I am "validating" OP because I have read her previous threads, and my advice was then, and remains now, that she should leave her DP because he treats her appallingly. With that in mind, I don't find it at all surprisinging that she has failed to come to terms with being a step parent. I don't think she needs to be belittled or made out to be evil by posters on here, as she gets quite enough of that from her partner. It's a vicious cycle, and the comments on here are, if anything, going to make the whole thing worse and make her struggle with her feelings around her SC even more. Instead, I think it would be of more value to her to be empowered to leave this situation.

Bloody hell, that thing rattling around in your head is not a pot roast, it's a brain. It's supposed to come fully equipted with logical thought, so if you are over the age of 21 nobody is buying your Romeo and Juliet syndrome as an excuse to why it's okay to be unkind to a very small child.

Yes, yours is equipped with the ability to see that nobody is advocating being unkind to a child, and the absence of sticking their boot as far into OPs side as they can does not mean they are. And yet somehow that has escaped so many on this thread, patting themselves on the back at how clever they are!

My DSD often came to us on Mother's Day. I always checked with her mum if she wanted her as it was Mother's Day but her mum wasn't bothered about it and more than happy for us to have her at our allotted time regardless.
We always got her mum a card and flowers or a present which she took home with her.
Your husband should be encouraging his daughter to do something for her mum and at the same time, encouraging her to do something for you.
Being a step-mum is hard but it's not your SD's fault and she should be made to feel welcome.
It sounds like this is the tip of the iceberg.

@Shineonyoucrazy From this opening sentence it shows you are completely clueless -
"You took on someone with a child already so you don't get to do Mothers Day or anything at all with just 'your' child unless that suits the ex. "

No Family Court in the land would force a child on an adult who doesn't want them. So regardless of whether there is a Court order or not if the dad, in this case, decided he was not having his daughter on Mothering Sunday then his ex would have to look after their child or arrange alternative care for her as the ex is the parent their child mainly lives with.

Secondly it is not up to the OP to balance everyone's needs it is up to her DP. He is the father of both children and has parental responsibility for both. The OP has only parental responsibility for her son. If she split up with her DP tomorrow she would never have to see her DP's daughter again. There as it would be expected that the father would facilitate contact between the two children so they maintain a sibling relationship.

What is expected of the OP is that she is kind to her DP's daughter when she is with them and helps ensure her needs are met. If she isn't then she can be stopped from seeing her DP's daughter but it means then she would also lose time with her own child as the two siblings would be expected to have some sort of relationship with one another which the father needs to facilitate.

Yes the OP appears to have lots of emotional issues but then her DP seems to be shit. From having older half-siblings and step-siblings myself and now being a de facto step-mother, as your child gets older it is actually easier for you if they do have older siblings and they get on.

Mother's Day here is spent with the mother, regardless of whose weekend it is. I would find it strange that she wouldn't want her own children on Mother's Day.

OP it's a really good thing if you've found a man who puts the best interests of his child first, even when it would probably be easier to just go along with you and not do so. It bodes well for your child - if you were ever to break up you'd know that he'd continue to love and care for son.

If you carry on like this, in a few years it could be your child being told by his new dp that they aren't welcome on her first Mother's Day. Your dsd being there really doesn't take anything away from you. I can't even remember my first Mother's Day - probably spent it visiting my mum and mil! It's true that what really matters is how you are treated for the remaining 364 days.

You should not condemn a woman for going to work on this day - the extra money is beneficial to her child and it does not mean she is a shit mum who doesn't care. She's probably just someone who knows that MD can be celebrated at any time, it isn't a massive big deal and can be whatever you make it.

@Crystalclair

aSofaNearYou - regardless of whether OP's partner balances everyone's needs, she has made it clear she prefers the DSC not to be around and it just be them three.

See my other comments 🙄 As I said, it's not surprising OP does not like having her around given the job her DP has done at making it a pleasant or manageable situation for her.

The situation may be beyond salvaging, but OP doesn't bear all the responsibility for that when you look at the situation with any degree of context. But then maybe I'm alone in not thinking repeated gaslighting is acceptable in a partner.

*No, we're just advocating for that good old Mumsnet value of always punishing the child for the sins of the father.

You're an adult - if you're unhappy in your relationship, you leave. You don't scapegoat somebody who isn't even old enough to know the answer of 2+2.*

Well, you've just repeated what I said back to me, which is quite amusing from someone making a patronising comment about intelligence.

NOBODY IS SAYING BE MEAN TO THE CHILD. OP has said herself she has a positive relationship with the child.

Saying OPs feelings are understandable given the appalling way her partner treats her, and therefore she doesn't deserve to be equally slated online, is not the same as saying she would be right to take her frustration with her partner out on the child.

Are people really this unable to see any degree of nuance in this discussion?

[quote harryclr]@SquirtleSquad you are right

I know it's something that will pass over the years I think just because it's my first, every moment feels so special to me, it would just be nice to share some of those with just me and my partner privately.

I think the main problem with being with a partner with a child is balance and sometimes I don't feel there is and that's when the frustration comes up.

I know we need to have the big talk - just nerve wracking as he's a typical bloke who doesn't really talk about feelings, he gets instantly defensive every time i bring anything up about his daughter, he'd rather just get on stuff and have a drama free simple life...but then I want to say to him ... you actively decided to have a child with someone you shouldn't have (someone he says he didn't love and she's obviously not the best mum) so you chose a stressful life!

I want to make it work and be with him forever, one thing I have definitely taken from this is how difficult it is raising children with a split up parents, it's certainly not what I want for my children.

It amazes me how well some people deal with it and i applause them. [/quote]
YOU chose to have a baby with a man who has a DD already. But now that doesn’t suit you and you want to erode his DD from his life to make yours rosier.

Your DH and his DD want to have a drama free simple life, but here you are.

I have 3 SDCs and it has never crossed my mind that they need to be absent to make something special.

With a baby it is your dh job to sort the day....just be very clear what you are expecting..

So you want breakfast in bed...with a magazine and gift/flowers...
Lazy bath and then waft to the cleaned up kitchen..for
tea/lunch
He will take the kids out or make cakes with the 5 year old for lunch/tea whatever...draw pictures for u and for her to give to her mum...we always do handmade cards...

Can be anything but you choose it he facilitates.....
He needs to manage both of the DC ..
At 5 she is going to be in your life for a long time...think you should aim for inclusion ....
I found i had to be quite explicit with dh about what I wanted....his family didn't really do occasions such as mothers day/birthdays etc

aSofaNearYou- but in a previous thread, the OP claims she was obsessed with her DSC until her baby came along.

Anyone with more than one child knows that when a new baby comes along, the older sibling will be experiencing jealousy and need reassurance. Sounds like the 5 year old is feeling just that, and the OP partner is in fact giving the older DC the extra attention she needs right now. That sounds to me like he is a good parent.

I'm sure the OP would be devastated at her child's feelings not being met if the shoe was on the other foot.

We all experience unreasonable feelings at times. But it is for OP to come to terms with without it impacting her DSC.

If my partner told me he wanted to exclude my child for any reason, I'd hit the roof and have no respect for him.

OP I do understand that you want a special day, especially as it's your first baby, but maybe move whatever you were planning to do to the Monday then?

Although quite honestly I think it would be a good thing for your SD to see your DH give you a card and gift.

My SCs were here for Valentine's Day so we still exchanged our cards and gifts on the day but then had a special dinner once they had gone back to their mum's.