Mother's Day

[harryclr]

What does everyone do...?

We weren't supposed to have my partners daughter on that weekend but her mother changed the weekends so now our time has fallen on Mother's Day ... I bought it up to my partner and said I assume that she will be spending it with her mum, he said he wasn't sure as it was our weekend and she's probably working ...

It's my first Mother's Day, we had our baby boy 9 months ago. I desperately want it to just be us, is that evil / selfish of me? I want to try and explain how precious certain days / memories are to me and should also to be to him. But I get so anxious bringing anything up that involves me not wanting to have his daughter with us as I'll just get shut down and made to feel guilty. I'm not saying I never want her with us, that's ridiculous but I feel as though the are certain times where stepmoms shouldn't to be made to feel bad or guilty.
I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now. Also, having a 5yr old around just means the whole day will be revolved around her as it always is.

I am just interested what people do abs how they cope with it. Thanks x

And completely nothing to a 5 year old , who definitely won't hear " can you fuck off yet again, this is for my family, of which you are not"

And that's how "first wives" filled with contempt try to make a completely ridiculous scenario. When actually, the 5yr old needs to be told, "Christmas with Mummy! Yaaaaaay! Then tomorrow with your Daddy and baby sister, so another lovely day! Yaaaaaay!"

If it's not always all about the child that appeared first, it's being told to "fuck off". Seriously.

Op you really should have thought about this before you had a child with him. All this "feeling on edge" because she's there etc. YOU decided to have a relationship with her Dad. She didn't get a say. You can't just pretend she doesn't exist because you don't like her.

@harryclr also, I don't know how to link to threads, but there's a brilliant thread on here, in classics now I think, about all the cards that should be made for SMs, and how ridiculous it is to still hear these things. You need to see it

"You knew what you were getting into dear"
"Are you the other woman"
"You sound jealous. Are you jealous?"

All presented on beautiful hallmark style backgrounds.

Expect it. Rise above it. You're a good person.

@SleepingStandingUp

Op you really should have thought about this before you had a child with him. All this "feeling on edge" because she's there etc. YOU decided to have a relationship with her Dad. She didn't get a say. You can't just pretend she doesn't exist because you don't like her.

I love how people seem to think women walk out of their house some day and CHOOSE to pick a man with a child to make a life with. There are some further steps involved eg falling for someone regardless of circumstances. It is not so much a choice its finding the right person who you fall in love with who happens to have a past. Whether you can deal with it isn't something you are aware of at the time . Unless you have a crystal ball you have no idea as a step mum what its like and what you will feel. Its like blaming a woman for marring a future arse and saying sorry love ,you knew who you married you chose this... utterly ridiculous !!!

Anytime you feel resentful towards your DSD please just imagine your precious baby being treated in the same way. It would break your heart. I'm a step mum and a mum and I do understand how difficult it can be, but your DSD is 5 years old, she is probably feeling pushed out and is clinging to her dad as so much has now changed in her world.
She has no choice about where she goes at weekends, have some empathy and make some effort with her.

@Userwoman1990
Love is nothing something that you fall into; nor is pregnancy something that you fall into. Both are the outcomes of deliberate actions , decisions, and intentions. We can love someone dearly and at the same time recognize that our needs and expectations are so irreconcilablly different that we should not live together.

Certainly, no one has a crystal ball or the abilities of a seer. However, you do know that there can only be one first time for any event. That is something that we all know. We all know that sex can result in pregnancy, and most of us know that there is no form on contraception but abstinence that is 100 % reliable.

It is disingenuous to claim not to have known that marrying someone with children would be different than marrying someone with no children. You may not have been able to articulate all of the differences but you certainly knew that there would be differences. Most people also have some sense of how adaptable or flexible that they are.

If you know that having "firsts" are important to you and if you are capable of counting, you know that if a man has had a first wife, a first child, a first marriage or bought his first home, that there are no second " firsts."

It does not mean that all of those subsequent experiences are not equally meaningful, but they can never be " the first."

An adult who needs a partner whon has not had these first experiences is self- sabotaging when they then choose a partner who has had all of these first experiences prior to becoming involved with them.

It is difficult to garner sympathy for someone who is willfully blind and yet is willing to blame others because they cannot or did not see the very predictable outcomes of their deliberate choices.

@Userwoman1990 most people don't know their partner is an arse before they're in married with kids. She knew he had a child. She didn't see him, fall in love at first sight then think oh shit there's a kid but tough, I have to marry him. Ok maybe she got pregnant with him in the first few months but she still chose to have a relationship with him knowing he had a child, knowing he was a good enough Dad to not just push his child out for her.

Presumably if they do break up in the future, she'll be happy with him pushing her baby out for a new woman and his new baby?

In my 20s I was with someone for 3/4 years who had a child, we didn’t live together but we stayed at each other’s houses, I saw the kid often.

I knew I couldn’t settle down to be a step mum and it was a big reason as to why the relationship ended.

The kid was fine but I wanted to be the priority in my future partners life but couldn’t have respected him if he didn’t put his child first. Mum was ok, but having to cancel or rearrange plans was common, I respected him for being a good dad but I didn’t like being second best.

I could see what I’d be getting into and decided that the package wasn’t for me.

I still talk to them, it was an amicable split. I’m happily married with no SC on either side.

Presumably if they do break up in the future, she'll be happy with him pushing her baby out for a new woman and his new baby?

Yes. Because if OP doesn't have her only first mother's day without the SC being the centre of attention, that poor SC is being completely pushed out. It's one day. Really important and special to OP. And the SC has to be involved because it's mother changed her work patterns.

One day this child (for good reason to OP) might have to take a back seat, and oh the outrage of the prodigal first born being so appallingly treated.

@Courtney555

Presumably if they do break up in the future, she'll be happy with him pushing her baby out for a new woman and his new baby?

Yes. Because if OP doesn't have her only first mother's day without the SC being the centre of attention, that poor SC is being completely pushed out. It's one day. Really important and special to OP. And the SC has to be involved because it's mother changed her work patterns.

One day this child (for good reason to OP) might have to take a back seat, and oh the outrage of the prodigal first born being so appallingly treated.

It isn't the day, it's the language.
I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before,...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now. She wants to pretend that the ex and the child NEVER existed because she wants them to be the only special one.

I would just like to be able to feel relaxed and not on edge which she can't do when the 5 year old whose life she's chosen to be in forever is around.

actively decided to have a child with someone you shouldn't have the step child is just the mistake that shouldn't have been. HER child is the want that was meant to be.

The child is 5. I'm assuming op and her DH have been together at least 2 years so pretty much MOST of the child's life that she can recall and yet op is still uncomfortable around her and feels sock at the thought she is who she is. Even the perfectly normal sibling thing of wanting Daddy whenever he does something with the new baby is seen as bad rather than normal.

Maybe his ex is a pita but their child is still as important as ops

You see @Courtney555 your default position of anyone who disagrees with a poor downtrodden SM is part of the bitter ex wife's club that is trotted out on here is slightly flawed. Many people on this thread are actually SM they just don't happen to agree with the OP.

@Courtney555

Presumably if they do break up in the future, she'll be happy with him pushing her baby out for a new woman and his new baby?

Yes. Because if OP doesn't have her only first mother's day without the SC being the centre of attention, that poor SC is being completely pushed out. It's one day. Really important and special to OP. And the SC has to be involved because it's mother changed her work patterns.

One day this child (for good reason to OP) might have to take a back seat, and oh the outrage of the prodigal first born being so appallingly treated.

"Its" mother - delightful

OP, having read your other threads, I genuinely think you need some professional help with your feelings. Repeated talk of feeling sick and sadness because your partner and his family have experienced "firsts" with his daughter seems, at best, very unhealthy to me.

I just realised who you are you're the poster who wanted to exclude the stepdaughter as you wanted 'adult' holidays however you really just wanted to take the on baby on his first holiday. You were dressing it up as something it wasn't it was a holiday with you, you're partner and your son but not dsd. All you're posts and threads its clear you're distain for the child. I noticed a comment on someone else thread where at Christmas you couldn't wait for her to go back to her mothers and you prefer it just the three of yous. Is it any wonder you argue with your partner he hate his child and have clear issue with her. Theres various other examples of your distain for her its quite disgusting actually as someone said you need professional help and its not normal behaviour its like word vomit the way you speak about her nothing positive to say.

Isn't Mothers' Day really to acknowledge and thank your own mother, or MIL, rather than yourself?

Not when you don't have a mum to thank, it's not. I haven't had a mum in my life since I was 7. So my Mother's Day is always about me and my DD. I actually understand where the OP is coming from, completely.

There are some absolutely pathetic women on here bleating on about how step mothers deserve all the first time mummy experiences

Wow. Lovely.

[quote Userwoman1990]@harryclr firstly you feelings are valid and understandable. You are a mum ❤ and therefore you are entitled to feel how you feel. Sometimes as step parents you are expected to put everyone else's needs/wants and feelings above your own and suck it up like a Dyson. Not only is that impossible, it can also be very unhealthy. You are only human and most likey envisioned what your first mothers day will be with your little family, as alot of mothers have done and you have every right to have that vision and excitement as does every mother regardless of their circumstances. Now mother day varies from family to family but this is your first one and you know what , you want a fuss , as you should. Now having your step daughter may add a different layer but maybe discuss this with your partner to involve her. I don't think changing arrangements is ideal but it could be an amazing chance for your step daughter to make a fuss of you too as a mother figure in her life. And make a fuss of your baby as well as a family unit. It's not losing what you envisioned but expanding it a tad. All mums deserve to be celebrated on mother day and make the most of it ![/quote]

Lovely post.

"Its mother" - delightful

There's always a point where someone has to read waaaaaay too much into a SM using a word like "it" 🙄

@LouJ85

There are some absolutely pathetic women on here bleating on about how step mothers deserve all the first time mummy experiences

Wow. Lovely.

Wonderful isn't it? A shining example of how kind and caring posters like Judy are compared to these awful SMs on here "bleating" on about "deserving" things and "feelings".

You are a mum ❤ and therefore you are entitled to feel how you feel

What does that even mean?

You are only human and most likey envisioned what your first mothers day will be with your little family, as alot of mothers have done and you have every right to have that vision and excitement as does every mother regardless of their circumstances

How is mothers day any different to any other day, to a small baby? It isn't. She doesn't have every right to have all of her visions and excitement just the way she wants it, nobody does, and she doesn't get to continually put her own idealised desires above a 5 year old child and her needs.

The OP has been on repeatedly regarding her ever increasing desire to exclude her SD from every aspect of her life. She has a baby now and thinks that means that her SD should quietly fade away as she is not wanted. She can't cope with the fact that her partner has already done all her imagined firsts and she is jealous of a child.

Stop validating her feelings as natural and normal, when they are neither.

I don't think it's fair to say Mumsnet is a First Wives Club or that stepmums don't get fair treatment here. I think stepmums get a lot of support on this board. Rightly so! It sounds extremely challenging. I mean, AIBU is another story, but that's AIBU for you! I've had my arse handed to me on there before and I'm not a stepmum. Theyll crucify you on there sometimes, no matter who you are!

Anyway, I think you've had good advice on here already op. Don't make a big deal out of this whole "the first time" stuff. I blame bloody Instagram et al. Mother's Day, as you've said is really just a commercial holiday and not worth letting resentment build up over. It is annoying that your dsd's mum keeps chopping and changing, but letting resentment build up is only going to hurt you and your DP, not her.

My mum is dead FWIW, and I really thought I'd get a big fuss made of me on Mother's Day. Maybe lunch out somewhere, a present, heartfelt letter or something. Nope! Tbh, I just buy myself stuff now 🤭. Same for birthdays. Then I'm never disappointed . Could you do something like that? Buy yourself some treats? Do not, under any circumstances, let you OH dump his DC on you all day either! You are not his unpaid childcare slave.

One thing I've noticed on this board is that stepmums post with a dsc or exw issue and more often than not, the main issue is actually a DP issue!

PS: BM is not the right acronym for your DSD's mum! I'm sure that was just an innocent mistake though.

OP I do understand but I think they best way to look at it is that contact will equally fall on and off 'special days' as the years go on so you will get your Mother's Day without SD at times. I would prefer to have Mother's Day without mine cause it's a little awkward but if it falls on a contact weekend then that's how it is.

If I'm honestly I would prefer my birthday, partners birthday and our bios birthday alone too 😂 as I like to plan little trips etc but you've just got to learn to make it special in different ways when she will be with you then when she won't. Set it in stone now that next Mother's Day you will not be having your DC so it can't be sprung on you guys x

You are only human and most likey envisioned what your first mothers day will be with your little family, as alot of mothers have done and you have every right to have that vision and excitement as does every mother regardless of their circumstances
I envisioned mine in a hot air balloon drinking mimosas but you know, kids. If you go into a relationship with kids you have to accept that means seeing them unless he's a shit Dad who disposes of kids as he goes. Assuming op doesn't want him to be a shit Dad who would abandon her child if they split up

You took on someone with a child already so you don't get to do Mothers Day or anything at all with just 'your' child unless that suits the ex. You need to take care that you don't let these possessive feelings about your DP and baby and your regret that your aren't an insular unit harm your DSD or undermine the parenting relationship between your DP and his DDs Mum. Of course your DSD is going to want her Dads attention when she's there, especially if she picks up that you don't really want her there.
But I totally get it that these are feelings that you probably didn't expect to have.
You have become a DM snd a DSM and the latter has huge and difficult and vital responsibilities. I disagree profoundly with the poster who says it's up to your DP to balance everyone's needs. If you're his partner it's up to you too. But the rewards are infinite. My DSM is one of the most important adult figures in my life and neither of my DPs made it very easy for her. Take the long view.

op as your DP is o quick to tell you how her Mom isn't good enough / as good as you, perhaps he should be going for primary custody