Mother's Day

[harryclr]

What does everyone do...?

We weren't supposed to have my partners daughter on that weekend but her mother changed the weekends so now our time has fallen on Mother's Day ... I bought it up to my partner and said I assume that she will be spending it with her mum, he said he wasn't sure as it was our weekend and she's probably working ...

It's my first Mother's Day, we had our baby boy 9 months ago. I desperately want it to just be us, is that evil / selfish of me? I want to try and explain how precious certain days / memories are to me and should also to be to him. But I get so anxious bringing anything up that involves me not wanting to have his daughter with us as I'll just get shut down and made to feel guilty. I'm not saying I never want her with us, that's ridiculous but I feel as though the are certain times where stepmoms shouldn't to be made to feel bad or guilty.
I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now. Also, having a 5yr old around just means the whole day will be revolved around her as it always is.

I am just interested what people do abs how they cope with it. Thanks x

If you wanted all the firsts you should've had a baby with someone who didn't already have one

When are people going to stop with this horrible attitude. It's still a first to OP. And just as special to her. But she shouldn't be allowed this one day, once, dedicated to mothers, as a first time mother because of another child that isn't hers. OP should have that taken from her so she can accommodate another child who did get the special first mother's day with their mother. You can bet if it was the ExW first mother's day she'd have booked the day off. But she doesn't care at all that OP doesn't get that first experience and has even switched her weekends so the free day that OP should have had has now been replaced as less important than the ExW taking an out of pattern work shift.

@Courtney555 I agree 👍
Telling someone that because their partner has already got kids means they cannot hope to enjoy any firsts and they should of picked someone without kids is unhelpful and unkind

Step mums have feelings too and they cannot just be put on the back burner for everybody else. Or expected to sacrifice all mummy experiences because their partner has done it all before and they have other children. Any normal person would hate that dynamic and want to push against. It will only breed resentment , but it seems to many that this is the expectation?? Absolutely crazy im very glad my partner does not see things this way !

You're never going to get the "firsts" as a family cause he's already been through them. I suggest you celebrate Mother's Day on a different day if you don't want to include his child.

Op can do something with her child alone and let her DP have his child. Mother’s Day is for mums, not partners and wives. The baby won’t have a clue what day it is anyway.

When are people going to stop with this horrible attitude

OP has a pretty horrible attitude towards a 5 year old child and a mother not even her partner knows very well yet alone the OP.

You can bet if it was the ExW first mother's day she'd have booked the day off

Yeah, she’s a shit mother for prioritising work and keeping the roof over her bed. Talk about utterly fucked up priorities, eh?

But she doesn't care at all that OP doesn't get that first experience

OP can barely hide her contempt for either mother or child. Do you blame her? And since when was it the ex’s responsibility to make sure her ex’s new partner gets a ‘first’ without her child present? Are you actually listening to yourself?

has even switched her weekends so the free day that OP should have had has now been replaced as less important than the ExW taking an out of pattern work shift

Can’t win, can she? Presumably if she’s taking extra shifts she needs the money. If she’d asked her ex for additional maintenance there’d have been post after post calling her money grabbing and saying she should take extra shifts if she’s that hard up.

You're never going to get the "firsts" as a family cause he's already been through them

And those "firsts" are with someone who even though they had a child together, couldn't stay together. Quite possibly those firsts were bloody awful. Don't build those days up to be special when the reality is there's very good chance that they weren't. My first wedding, yes, by literal sense was my first. I knew it wasn't right even as I walked down the aisle (and without going into long details) and I don't look back at that day fondly, even though it was my "first." And yes, second time round, I didn't go all out with a princess dress, no big over the top glitz, but I would take that memory a thousand times over the "big special first". It wasn't special even though I sat through it and played the part. The second time was.

Picture this.

You and your partner separate when your child turns 5. He goes on to have another child with someone else. He then insist that your child doesn't come on certain days as new partner wants it to be just them three.

How would you feel for your child? Do you think that's fair?

Or if you met someone new, and had a baby with them. But he wanted you to send older child to their dads, so he could experience his first fathers day with just your baby together?

Ridiculous.

@Courtney555

If you wanted all the firsts you should've had a baby with someone who didn't already have one

When are people going to stop with this horrible attitude. It's still a first to OP. And just as special to her. But she shouldn't be allowed this one day, once, dedicated to mothers, as a first time mother because of another child that isn't hers. OP should have that taken from her so she can accommodate another child who did get the special first mother's day with their mother. You can bet if it was the ExW first mother's day she'd have booked the day off. But she doesn't care at all that OP doesn't get that first experience and has even switched her weekends so the free day that OP should have had has now been replaced as less important than the ExW taking an out of pattern work shift.

FFS no one is trying to cancel Mother’s Day for the OP, she’s just having a pathetic childish tantrum because she wants a day of ME ME ME with her partner running around after her and where she can pretend her step daughter doesn’t exist. Never mind the impact on her partner and his child missing their time together. She can have a perfectly lovely day with her family, it’s just not good enough for her because it doesn’t help her to indulge her fantasy that her step child doesn’t exist. And of course the ex wife doesn’t give a crap about trying to enable her to have the spoilt brat Mother’s Day she craves, it’s literally no concern or business of hers. She has a job to go to and a visitation schedule to work around. I doubt the OP’s ‘mummy experiences’ are high on her list of concerns and why on earth would they be?

There are some absolutely pathetic women on here bleating on about how step mothers deserve all the first time mummy experiences...bloody hell no one is saying she won’t get her first Mother’s Day but what she won’t get is her partners first time providing someone with a Mother’s Day experience because he already has a child. That she knew about full well when she decided to settle down with him.

Am I missing something here? I thought Mother's day was for the children to do something nice for mum. NOT the husband!
OP's child is a baby and can hardly be expected to do anything so what's the fuss?

The OP sounds crippling jealous of the ex wife, at pains to tell us all how her partner never loved his ex - maybe true, maybe (probably) not but it’s an odd thing to be crowing about. I get that it must be hard to have a baby with someone who has done it all before with someone else but if you decide to go down that route you have to be able to handle the hard emotions. I’ll put my hands up, I absolutely couldn’t. So I didn’t marry someone who had a child and then spend my time trying to re-write history and damage their relationship.

Her partner wasn't married to the ex so she isn't one of those pesky ex wife's that dare to exist.

Mothers day will still be her first by the pure fact its her first one having her own child. The existence of her dsd doesn't change that and going by the OP description of her dp fleeting relationship with his ex and the poor choices they made having unprotected sex when they weren't even in love or committed relationship I doubt very much he was bringing her breakfast in bed.

If the OP took of her blinkers she might just be able to appreciate in so many ways what her partner has with her, her son and is daughter is first in lots of ways in building an actual family life with someone.

Just because you had sex with someone and had a baby doesn't mean that you got all the firsts or that were ever partnership. There is a big difference parenting alone and parenting as a couple.

You and your partner separate when your child turns 5. He goes on to have another child with someone else. He then insist that your child doesn't come on certain days as new partner wants it to be just them three.

But it's not certain days is it. It's once. For OPs first mother's day. A one off scenario. And she can't even be allowed this one off experience because someone who did get to experience that, changed their shift pattern.

Or if you met someone new, and had a baby with them. But he wanted you to send older child to their dads, so he could experience his first fathers day with just your baby together?

So the older child, who had already had all attention on its first father's day, went to see his actual father, to enjoy a father's day that he actually understands, and the newborn baby who the new partner is experiencing his first father's day with gets that one off first experience as well? Sounds pretty fair to all parties to me.

You’re jealous of a 5 year old?

Thank you @Courtney555 that is very helpful. I know who I am and I know I'm not a bad person at all, I do everything I need to for SD and as all women in our situation sacrifice a lot, constantly ... but we have a fine relationship, SD and I - she is none the wiser and I would never make her feel bad intentionally.

I am emotional about certain moments and my emotions have got much heightened since my baby was born.

courtney no, but it isn't just this once... it's all the firsts. She resents the childs exsistance. How would she feel if her precious child was palmed off, if the shoe was on the other foot.

@harryclr don't expect much support on MN. It's notorious for the "first wives club" and the audacity of some of the things they are entitled to because they procreated first.

It is changing, little by little. It's much better now than it used to be. But just know, you're not a bad person, even if the first on the scene are telling you to know your place, Cruella.

FWIW courtney- I've been stepmother twice over. I get how op feels, but it took me to really make myself see things from an innocent child's perspective, and to understand how I would feel if it was reversed to get me to check myself and realise I was being selfish and unreasonable.

It's my first Mother's Day, we had our baby boy 9 months ago. I desperately want it to just be us, is that evil / selfish of me? I want to try and explain how precious certain days / memories are to me and should also to be to him

Why should your baby's first mothers day be such a big deal to everyone? It's an artifically created day, it's no different to any other day. Are you going to refuse to have SD on babys first birthday, 1st haircut, 1st trip to the zoo, 1st day of nursery, first christmas? It's bizarre.
Get your card and chocs and cup of tea in bed and job done. Your baby has no clue what day it is and nobody actually cares about this stuff.
He has a child already, he doesn't get to say he can't have her on any day that you have decided you have to be just your own little family, which clearly does not include your childs sister.

Ask yourself this: how does this child take anything away from your "special day"? In what way does she ruin it for you?
If you wanted it to be about you and your partner and child, you needed to not pick a father for that child who already has one.

It's just a normal day 🤷‍♀️ I think you're over reacting

OP thinking about wider issues, is it possible that you are projecting?

You may have had an awful pregnancy and maternity leave due to Covid and the restrictions it’s placed on new mothers.

I was on a thread last week where a mum was grieving really for what should have been but wasn’t.

Do you think that’s why you are fixated on firsts? Not to mention too much time to think in general?

Are you going to refuse to have SD on babys first birthday

As the first, I don't think that's unreasonable to want one day to be about solely the child in questions only first birthday. Second, third etc, everyone is welcome. You get one first. You can't get it back. And this is OPs.

1st haircut

Well that's just stupid

1st trip to the zoo

And that

1st day of nursery

And that

First christmas?

Again, possibly, as this is a very very meaningful first.

It's bizarre.

What's bizarre is trying to belittle OP as if her precious first born is being denied some insta worthy "first haircut" or other nonsense, by putting it in the same category as her first mother's day with her first and only child.

@Courtney555

Are you going to refuse to have SD on babys first birthday

As the first, I don't think that's unreasonable to want one day to be about solely the child in questions only first birthday. Second, third etc, everyone is welcome. You get one first. You can't get it back. And this is OPs.

1st haircut

Well that's just stupid

1st trip to the zoo

And that

1st day of nursery

And that

First christmas?

Again, possibly, as this is a very very meaningful first.

It's bizarre.

What's bizarre is trying to belittle OP as if her precious first born is being denied some insta worthy "first haircut" or other nonsense, by putting it in the same category as her first mother's day with her first and only child.

There was a thread on here just today or yesterday with the OP complaining about the in-laws muscling in on her baby’s first trip to the zoo And how she had wanted to show the baby the animals in a nice chilled way without the MIL taking over and showing her all the animals

Again, possibly, as this is a very very meaningful first

And completely nothing to a 5 year old , who definitely won't hear " can you fuck off yet again, this is for my family, of which you are not". First mothers day, first birthday, first christmas, all of which the babys sister is not welcome at.
If you seriously think thats ok, I hope you have no step children.

Crikey, such low expectations from some people! A card, a kiss and a bunch of flowers and then a 'normal' day? You should be treated like the queen that you are! Lie-in goes without saying. Dp takes charge especially when children are young and makes it an extra special day without you lifting a finger. And it's part of the christian calendar not a Hallmark made-up fest that has been said upthread.
So op, it shouldn't matter if your dsd is there or not, it's up to your dp to make it the day you expect. You might have to hint a bit beforehand if he's the selfish type, but don't make waves about dsd. Also If he doesn't step up then he knows what to expect on Father's Day.

@Crystalclair

courtney no, but it isn't just this once... it's all the firsts. She resents the childs exsistance. How would she feel if her precious child was palmed off, if the shoe was on the other foot.

From other posts it’s holidays etc too as well as counting down the hours at contact time etc. So not just a one off one time thing.