Mother's Day

[harryclr]

What does everyone do...?

We weren't supposed to have my partners daughter on that weekend but her mother changed the weekends so now our time has fallen on Mother's Day ... I bought it up to my partner and said I assume that she will be spending it with her mum, he said he wasn't sure as it was our weekend and she's probably working ...

It's my first Mother's Day, we had our baby boy 9 months ago. I desperately want it to just be us, is that evil / selfish of me? I want to try and explain how precious certain days / memories are to me and should also to be to him. But I get so anxious bringing anything up that involves me not wanting to have his daughter with us as I'll just get shut down and made to feel guilty. I'm not saying I never want her with us, that's ridiculous but I feel as though the are certain times where stepmoms shouldn't to be made to feel bad or guilty.
I just don't want to be reminded that he has been here before, celebrated the first Mother's Day of his daughters mother, being all lovey dovey and all happy and excited as it was their first child...makes me feel sick and terribly sad and it's takes away the excitement / happiness we should be feeling now. Also, having a 5yr old around just means the whole day will be revolved around her as it always is.

I am just interested what people do abs how they cope with it. Thanks x

Posting history*

@BallsToYouSue

I haven't read all 300+ results and no doubt I would have gotten highly irate if I had.

I haven't bothered to read the thread....or checked OP's search history, but based on my own prejudice, I've decided YOU ARE ALL WRONG. You sound sensible. Is the other site Reddit perchance?

I read OPs original post and about 50 of the responses and so was disgusted by some of them that I decided to go no further. I answered OPs orginal question.

Have you ever heard of cyber bullying? I would seriously consider the consequences of the things you post.

Things I post?! Are cyber bullying the op?? This is the problem when you don't bother your arse reading the thread I guess 🤷‍♀️.

Small recap for you Fraz; I fully supported the op to begin with, and thought she was having a terrible time with her OH. Then I saw her posting history and slightly changed my mind. So i then posted saying some of her feelings about this 5yo
seem quite unhealthy, that I can see both sides to an extent and that the op needs to seek RL help with her issues. If you're projecting so hard you can't be bothered to check if that's true before you go off your nut shouting at the thread, you are going to get it wrong and you are then enabling someone who probably needs to realise that some of her feelings are extending past what is normal in terms of resentment towards a very young stepchild.

When you have small children Mother’s Day means you get a lie-in, breakfast in bed & a card (made by child with varying degrees of adult input).

Expecting a Hallmark fantasy day will doom you to disappointment with or without SD.

@BallsToYouSue the language you have used in all 3 of your posts directed to me proves my point. You've also agreed with a posted who says OP should leave her husband and not see SD and all contact between her and OPs child to be without OP present. All because she wanted mother's day with her child only. That advice could be so damaging to an already fragile person. Anyone I'm not here to fight with you, I was here to reply to OPs original post which I have done.

I feel for your SD and her Mum to be honest. If she's working she is working. Yes it is nice to spend these times together however sometimes it doesn't happen.

DH will be working on Father's Day and also youngest birthday does that make him a bad parent? He hasn't spent a lot of firsts with our DC but it's how he spends time with them the rest of the time that counts.

If her Mum is at work as stated and you have her then why not include her. Are you always going to treat DSD differently to your own children?

My best friend has a DSD (8) and two DC (4 and 2).... So last year her DH got a card for each of the children to give her (including one saying to the best step mum from DSD as her and DSD have always had a good relationship) and a small present from each child something like flowers, perfume, chocolates... They ALL went for a family meal as she has brought up her children to have a good relationship with DSD and they don't see her as different from them although obviously know she has another Mum)....

In turn friend ordered some cupcakes with love hearts on for the girls and told them it was a treat as she was so lucky to have them all.

What I thought was a nice touch is she also asked DSD if she needed to get her Mum a present and took her to get some flowers and card to take home with her for her Mum.

I hope if I was ever in the situation I could be so compassionate and caring.

DH ex is an ex for a reason and maybe you and he don't think she is enough, however for that little girl it's her Mum. She didn't ask for her parents to seperate.. Or for you to be her SM.. You wouldn't want your DS to be treat differently I'm sure so don't do it to her.

@BakewellGin1 yes that's all very lovely and most of SMs go into this with open arms willing to do whatever to make it work. Realistically, it's not like. Many of us deal with toxic ex's using the children as pawns, husbands not supporting or understanding us and a number of other issues that chip away. My MH is on the floor from 4 years as a SM. I have changed as a person in so mant negative ways and now need medication. I can't even begin to explain what's happened. All I'm saying is, cupcakes and all is lovely, but that's not really going to help the OP when feeling like this, it will just make her feel worse. Another reason why I don't think mumsnet is the place for SMs, OP I'll DM you as I think there's somewhere far better for you x

@Frazzled99, I have the utmost respect for stepmums. It sounds like honestly, the hardest job in the world! There is no doubt in my mind that I couldn't do it. Or, if I did, I would, like you, find my MH at breaking point.

Many of the voices criticising the op are also stepmums. This is a board for step parents. If you don't like Mumsnet, you don't have to be here, but hanging around just so you can say how terrible it is and not the place for step parents, seems a bit of a strange choice.

Frazzled this is a serious thread and you really ought to read all of it before weighing in

Frazzeled - I promised myself I wouldn't add no more to this thread, but seriously! Cyber bullying? OP's posts in all her other threads highlight her dislike for having her DSC around false stop. This really isn't just about mothers day.

If a 5 year old girl came on here to say her SM never wants her around and just wants to be with her sibling and dad.. what would you think/feel? Because I've always believed that the children, who dont really have a voice, should be considered above all.

@Trumplosttheelection

If you don't want to share your life with another woman's child you should have looked for a different partner. You don't get to be a stepmother only on the days it suits you and you are not entitled to some magical day because you've given birth. I think you need to grow up a bit.

This

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously you should be ashamed by what you've posted. Who are you to diagnose someone as having a medical condition? And to tell them it might be best to leave their partner and not have contact with their SC, shameful.

@Crystalclair yes, I stand by that. I have read nearly all the posts and there is definitely bullying which will be reported. And, no sometimes the adult needs to be prioritised. It's not as black and white as 'the children should be considered above all'.

@BallsToYouSue I will be here as long as I feel necessary to support other SMs. I am shocked over and over at the 'advice' they receive from some posters and think it's dangerous at times. I don't care what is thrown at me, believe me nothing anyone here says will compare to the shit you go through as a step-parent. Other SMs may disagree and that's fine, they have lived experience and it's great if it's worked out. But the others need to know their feelings ARE valid, they're NOT evil, it's ok to need a rant and a break.

This was a simple post about mothers day and you've delved into her history and torn her to shreds. Well OP it's totally ok to want to spend mother's day with your dc only. It's totally ok to want to go on holiday without your dsc. It's totally ok to be relieved when they go to their mums. Those feelings are NORMAL. It doesn't mean you'll always feel this way, it doesn't mean you need to leave your partner. The sooner people recognise that you can and will feel like this, the more blended families will work. And I feel the same about my DD at time, counting down the hours when I send her to her CM so I can have a break! And I'm sure in the future planning a holiday without my children. It's normal. It's human nature. You do not have a mental condition because you want mother's day with your child.

This was a simple post about mothers day and you've delved into her history and torn her to shreds

I really haven't turn anyone to shreds tbh, but whatever helps you feel better in your crusade against Mumsnet here. As I said, I I up her history, only because it was mentioned in detail throughout and it did ring a bell. It's a shame your zeal for protecting stepmums from the evils of mumsnet didn't extend to you bothering to read the thread... makes me think this is more about you venting than saving anyone else to be perfectly honest.

Well OP it's totally ok to want to spend mother's day with your dc only

Yes, it is, I agree. That isn't the issue...which you'd know if you'd read the thread.

Step parents aren't some fragile breed of creature who need protection from you off on one. You said my language proves the point that Mumsnet hates step parents...well, when you posted, I actually didn't know you were a step parent. I still disagreed with you. When you explained you were a step oarent and were struggling, I said how much respect I have for stepmums (I really do) in general. You've come back with more ranting and raving about how horrible and mean I am, so, I suppose there isn't much I can say at this point to change your mind, so, to put it politely, let's leave it there shall we? Until you've calmed down at the very least.

Ok Frazzled, so if you've read ALL her threads on the SP section, and you still dont see that by OP not wanting her DSC around EVER, or her being annoyed at her DSC playing with her DC toys etc etc. That its in fact emotionally detrimental to the 5 yo in question, then fine. I don't understand your mentality but crack on.

Most people aren't bullying OP, they're simply frustrated at empathy given towards a fully grown woman who has a strong dislike for her DSC. There is a huge difference. And again, my sympathy will always be with the child.

Report away.

Oh and I agreed with the op to begin with, except about Mother's Day being a big deal, which I found it wasn't for me, although I am not a step mum. If you had read the thread, you might have seen it 🤷‍♀️

Another poster romantizing mother's day. What exactly are you expecting your 9 month old to do for you? You'll have many more to come with your child.

The reason people have delved into her history is to get a fuller picture, as I would have been prepared to hold my hands up and say I'm wrong. But no, she simply wants happy families without her DSC being part of it. Why should anyone indulge that?

I feel strongly about this and I am not going in at it as a precious mum that hates SM's. I am a SM too, and my children are bless with a wonderful SM. This isn't anti SM rant on my behalf.

@BallsToYouSue

This was a simple post about mothers day and you've delved into her history and torn her to shreds

I really haven't turn anyone to shreds tbh, but whatever helps you feel better in your crusade against Mumsnet here. As I said, I I up her history, only because it was mentioned in detail throughout and it did ring a bell. It's a shame your zeal for protecting stepmums from the evils of mumsnet didn't extend to you bothering to read the thread... makes me think this is more about you venting than saving anyone else to be perfectly honest.

Well OP it's totally ok to want to spend mother's day with your dc only

Yes, it is, I agree. That isn't the issue...which you'd know if you'd read the thread.

Step parents aren't some fragile breed of creature who need protection from you off on one. You said my language proves the point that Mumsnet hates step parents...well, when you posted, I actually didn't know you were a step parent. I still disagreed with you. When you explained you were a step oarent and were struggling, I said how much respect I have for stepmums (I really do) in general. You've come back with more ranting and raving about how horrible and mean I am, so, I suppose there isn't much I can say at this point to change your mind, so, to put it politely, let's leave it there shall we? Until you've calmed down at the very least.

Wow are you my DH's ex? As you have an impressive way of twisting the truth. As I said, I've now read all the posts on the thread. My reply to you personally was about why I'm still here as you thought it was 'strange'. I then went on to discuss how people have delved into her history, that wasn't aimed at you. My point earlier about your language was about how it's bullish, not about step-mum hating and once again you've proved my point 'until you've calmed down' 'ranting and raving' 'going off your nut'. I also think it's extremely bullish to delve back through old threads and bring up issues without the OP even being involved in the discussion. And yes, I do think some step-parents need protecting, if I'd come here in the early days and posted I would have been so confused and hurt. It's not about ranting and raving, I've spoken to lots of people privately and some people here have no idea how their words affect people (again, not directed at you before I receive a barrage of abuse). Yes, let's leave it there

Frazzled you haven't even read the thread! Give over with your 'you should be ashamed' bollocks. Either the OP has PND which has manifested towards her dsd or she's just an awful woman. I think probably the latter, since this attitude towards her dsd started after the birth of her son. I'd prefer to think it's the former, since the alternative is that now she has a baby of her own she just CBA with her step daughter (who she idolised before becoming a mother herself).
I stand by the view that until this is resolved it might be better not to be in contact with her dsd. Children do pick up on adults' feelings even when adults try to hide them. This child has done nothing wrong bar exist!

• I think probably the former

@Crystalclair

Ok Frazzled, so if you've read ALL her threads on the SP section, and you still dont see that by OP not wanting her DSC around EVER, or her being annoyed at her DSC playing with her DC toys etc etc. That its in fact emotionally detrimental to the 5 yo in question, then fine. I don't understand your mentality but crack on.

Most people aren't bullying OP, they're simply frustrated at empathy given towards a fully grown woman who has a strong dislike for her DSC. There is a huge difference. And again, my sympathy will always be with the child.

Report away.

I never said I've read all her threads on the SP forum. I've read all the posts on this thread as this is the thread we are replying to. To go back into someone's history and start a debate about it without them being involved is not appropriate.

@MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously

Frazzled you haven't even read the thread! Give over with your 'you should be ashamed' bollocks. Either the OP has PND which has manifested towards her dsd or she's just an awful woman. I think probably the latter, since this attitude towards her dsd started after the birth of her son. I'd prefer to think it's the former, since the alternative is that now she has a baby of her own she just CBA with her step daughter (who she idolised before becoming a mother herself). I stand by the view that until this is resolved it might be better not to be in contact with her dsd. Children do pick up on adults' feelings even when adults try to hide them. This child has done nothing wrong bar exist!

Omce again if you'd read my post, I have just said I have now read all the posts. You have zero right to speculate about this. It is shameful.

@Frazzled99

Just to respond, no, I'm not your DP's ex. I am still together with my first boyfriend, who I met when we were teenagers! So, nobody's ex really .

Thank you for clarifying that you didn't mean me re delving into her past! That did get my back up, as none of my posts to the op have been in amy way unkind. That would never be my intention. My language towards you...? Bullish? Perhaps. But then you did bound on to the thread with an agenda, which you have since admitted to, (you dislike MN, don't think step parents should be on here, but you are going to stay on here yourself, a stepmum, because you want to ally yourself with other step parents against the rest of mumsnet).

And I don't think I twisted the truth of your words, but I did misunderstand your comment, which looked as if it was directed at me because you had just tagged me before you said it 🤷‍♀️.

As I said though, you need to calm down before we continue any kind of debate on here. If you are hanging round a forum you dislike, spoiling for a fight, you have picked the wrong target really. I don't engage for long with that sort of shit .

All the best to you though and I hope things improve for you with your step parenting situation.

Frazzled- normally I'd agree with not checking over old threads, but in this case it was very much appropriate to see if it was an isolated issue I.e just about mothers day - which it wasn't, and also because there were suggestions from people supporting the OP that her partner was abusive. I checked her old threads and appears he is not.

Both of the above would have completely altered my view. Therefore was necessary.