Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Step daughter ignoring me

409 replies

Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 17:50

As above really. Dp and I have been living together for 2 years, she is 14, and an only child. I have children.

Everything was fine she chose to spend most of her time here (she has her own room) and we used to chat away all the time and I really liked her, a couple of months ago she simply started blanking me. There was no apparent reason, although I know this happened with her other parents partner around the same time and they have split up because of it.

My dp tells me to just leave it and that she will come around but she has now stated that she never liked me in the first place.

Its beyond the point of rude this is my house, I pay the bills, I pay the rent, the house is in my name and the blatant disrespect is driving me insane.

I was in an abusive relationship and it feels exactly the same, walking on egg shells, not allowed to say anything, even overhearing her on the phone saying she is going to tell me "a few home truths".

Dp will not talk to her, dp is afraid of frightening her away if rules and boundaries are put into place which is obviously less than ideal.

Also around the same time she fell out with her close friendship group, I asked dp if it was all linked and dp has told me they won't talk about it, there's nothing going on and just to leave it, but I am worried there's something there, but she obviously won't talk to me about it and dp won't talk to her.

Has anyone else been through this. Anything I can do to fix it, or is it totally unfixable?

Tia Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 09/02/2021 10:25

I was trying not to be too outing. Its my fault.

Sd has 2 mums, then she had 2 step mums as well.

Sd is the only child/grandchild and has been absolutely spoiled, but nobody seems to have time for her because she can be quite selfish, which I belive is a product of her upbringing, she can be very materialistic, and I've often heard comments from her family about it, but its them who made her value things over time/love/experiences.

For instance I go on cheap caravan holidays with my dc, she point blank refused to come on any holiday unless it was first class and all inclusive and abroad. When I did eventually coax her to come she had a ball, playing rounders at the beach etc, eating chips instead of fancy meals she's never had that.

I do care about her and I worry about her and her future.

Thanks for all the advice. I really didn't realise how bad this all was, your advice has given me a real pause for thought about my relationship, my boundaries and how my past has effected me and how I see things. I was thinking I was strong and independent, but I'm not, I'm just a fool being taken advantage of and caring about 2 people who don't care about me.

OP posts:
Bumblebee1980a · 09/02/2021 10:29

OP just because your partner doing know how to parent properly (lack of emotional support and boundaries) doesn't mean they don't care about you.

However, that doesn't mean you should stay with her as you are clearly not happy.

I was suggesting you warn her first and give her the appropriate information so if anything you feel like you've done all you can whilst ending the relationship.

Bumblebee1980a · 09/02/2021 10:34

Doesnt* I need to bloody proof read everything I write 🙄

CagneyNYPD · 09/02/2021 10:35

Your SD has 2 parents and grandparents. What do your own dc have?

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 09/02/2021 10:38

My own dc have me, and that's it, I have no family and their dad and his family haven't seen them or contacted them in years.

OP posts:
CagneyNYPD · 09/02/2021 10:43

So, as sad as it might be, you have to step back from your DP and SD. For the sake of your own dc, who are completely reliant on you.

ScribblingPixie · 09/02/2021 10:54

I do worry about sd, she will have successfully split both her parents up from their dps, have nowhere proper to live, and ineffectual parents who will simply try and buy her love. I feel so sad for her

Your SD hasn't split up two relationship;, her parents have destroyed their own relationships through irresponsibility and selfishness and poor parenting. And they're letting her down dreadfully. I haven't read everybody's answers but would family or child therapy be a possibility? For the child's benefit I mean.

Keratinsmooth · 09/02/2021 11:15

I wonder if she thinks she can break you up too then her mum and dad will get back together.

I would start from next visit, talk directly to teen, just normal stuff, dinner etc, offers of drinks expect answers and a thank you. She won’t get away with blanking adults at school or college when she’s older

Tweacle · 09/02/2021 11:27

@Stepparentwoes

You do not get to treat people like this. It is unacceptable and they do not have to tolerate being treated like dirt. You are civil and polite to the people you live with or they ask you to leave.

This is what I would like to say to her pretty much, but I'm not allowed. You're right though I shouldn't be paying to get treated like crap.

How come he has no money if he's living virtually free with you? Does he work?

Dp does work but has wracked up mounds of debt living a totally unattainable lifestyle (very stupid and before I came along)and now overtime has stopped and furlough took its toll too but the interest and debts keep piling up.

He's still living that lifestyle though. By not contributing he's buying her stuff, rather than address any issues. You're being used. Quite simply even if he hasn't set out to do that, he is. I honestly don't know how you've let this go. Also re benefits for his child, if she's at yours 90% of the time, you and he should be getting them. Why on Earth are you putting up with this ?
billybagpuss · 09/02/2021 11:46

I do feel for you, this is such a difficult situation as it is difficult for you to not care about the consequences of doing what you have to get done. It is not your fault that DP is in this situation, you did not run up the debt, you have not brought up DSD to be the child she is. You do need to talk to DP and explain the ultimatum as it is not acceptable for you to be treated like this in your own home and it is NOT your responsibility to put up with it.

Butterymuffin · 09/02/2021 12:15

You're more of a parent to her than her own parents OP. I feel sad for her too reading this. But this can't go on - it's damaging for you and her.

dp can be a bit hot headed and will likely go moody and say they will leave if I even bring it up rather than change anything about their parenting at all

Sadly you're going to have to be the super calm adult here and say that is his choice if he wants, but you won't accept being last priority in your own house any more, and that his daughter also deserves and needs more long-term parenting than she's getting.

I think being 'not allowed' to discuss things would be it for me. How come you're unable to decide what's 'not allowed' in your own home, but he gets to make all those decisions? There's an unspoken 'or else what?' in that. If his reaction is to pull the 'right, I'll go then!' you calmly agreeing might make him realise that trick won't work anymore.

Tiredoftattler · 09/02/2021 12:38

Were your partner and his daughter living under a bridge when you met them? If not, it would seem that they survived homelessness prior to living with you, and the daughter has grandparents who I imagine would not allow her to be homeless.

If you find her behaviour to be intolerable, you have a right to have them leave.

The daughter does not have to like you, but she does have an obligation to be civil in your home. If her behaviour is so troubling to you, you should live apart from your partner. You can have a relationship without him living with you.
He is an adult and a parent; it is his responsibility to sort his living arrangements . You are managing your home; you are notb running a halfway house or shelter for the indigent.

Your partner had the right to parent as he sees fit. You have the right to demand civility in your home. When those 2 issues conflict, the home owner has the standing to determine who remains in the home.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 09/02/2021 14:25

Well, I had a chat.

I've said I simply can't live like this, I feel disrespected and uncomfortable and I cant do it anymore, and that dp needs to either step up and deal with it or leave.

We talked and dp keeps saying I just have to give her time and she will come around. I said that wasn't good enough. I cant wait weeks, months or years for a child to come around and talk to me when I've done nothing wrong.

Dp has went in and told sd that I'm going to kick them out if she doesn't talk to me, which absolutely won't have helped this at all. I feel that this will have made things a million times worse, but I'll see later when she emerges from her room I guess.

I feel really guilty, I know I shouldn't, but I really do. They were staying in a single room at dps parents before they moved in here, dps parent has since downsized so I really don't know what they are going to do, but I cannot do this anymore.

I really don't know if I love her and sd or I have simply got myself into the position of being the 'rescuer', which felt really good because that's what I wish I had at one point in my life.

There's just so much to unpick here. I don't even know where to start with the process of them moving out. I don't have the finances to help with that.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2021 14:36

Dp has went in and told sd that I'm going to kick them out if she doesn't talk to me

What an appalling person and parent. No wonder the kid has major issues. Jesus.

I feel really guilty, I know I shouldn't, but I really do

You’re a lovely person but you really shouldn’t feel guilty. You’ve been left with literally no other option! And it’s long overdue. You’re being manipulated and I expect her behaviour over the next few days will continue to remind you why you’ve got to this unhappy place and why enough is enough. We don’t know you from Eve and we’re all on your side.

dps parent has since downsized

Yeah, no great mystery why they did that Hmm

I don't have the finances to help with that.

OP. You dear thing. It. Is. Not. Your. Responsibility. If you tot up how much you’ve spent over the years funding these two ungrateful rat bags I bet you’d feel sick to your stomach. That money is money is you’ve taken from your own children, for the privilege of being treated like dirt in your own home. What happens next is not your fault, it’s not your responsibility, it’s not your job to fix it. Your days of being a rescuer, or a doormat or punching bag are coming to a merciful end. Please stay strong.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2021 14:40

Dp has went in and told sd that I'm going to kick them out if she doesn't talk to me, which absolutely won't have helped this at all.

He is such and unbelievable arsehole. He did that to try and manipulate you, to make you feel guilty so you'll back down and keep your mouth shut. He is just a shit human being.

Its time to get angry and to stop allowing this prick to control you and how you live in your own home. I would be kicking them out today. How fucking dare he turn this on you.

MrsDoctorDear · 09/02/2021 14:44

Your 'DP' is being very manipulative.
Who suggested they move in with you? Did they guilt trip you?

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2021 14:44

It’s a she Aqua, but you’re right on everything else Grin

Butterymuffin · 09/02/2021 14:47

Go and just talk to her yourself. It can't go any worse than when he does it! He really is an awful parent.

I would be tempted to say she can stay but he needs to go now! You'd probably get on a lot better without him sticking his oar in.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2021 14:48

He, she, whatever. An arsehole is an arsehole. Op, you left one abusive relationship and sadly entered another. Tell then to gather their things and to get out.

Butterymuffin · 09/02/2021 14:51

Sorry, I also hadn't picked up the s/he bit but as Aqua says, either way this is shit parenting and behaviour from the partner.

billybagpuss · 09/02/2021 15:27

Dps reaction tells you everything you need to know, she has immediately passed all of the blame onto Dsd rather than acknowledge that her parenting is the issue and what she should have done is talk to dsd about how disrespectful she is being and that her behaviour is unacceptable. Instead she’s dumped the entire blame on being homeless on a 14 year old. Making you feel guilty in the process.

You need to stick to your guns as this will not change. For the relationship to work you need to be able to act as equals this means not being afraid to talk to dsd and DP needs to step up and parent properly. This will not happen with her current attitude.

💐

You can not feel guilty about this unless you are prepared to put up with the current situation for at least the next 5 years. Don’t let the guilt trip ruin your resolve.

RootyT00t · 09/02/2021 15:32

@Stepparentwoes

Aside from this issue we get on well and I wouldn't be considering leaving the relationship.

We have talked about this and was pretty much told sd will come around and to put up with it. I haven't said they have to leave, dp can be a bit hot headed and will likely go moody and say they will leave if I even bring it up rather than change anything about their parenting at all. Maybe that's what needs to happen, I don't know. My whole world is turning upside down because of this Sad

Right so don't get caught up in PPs getting excited.

Up until this issue you were happy to foot the cost and all the other stuff.

So work through it.

Bumblebee1980a · 09/02/2021 15:33

Dp has went in and told sd that I'm going to kick them out if she doesn't talk to me, which absolutely won't have helped this at all.

She is appalling and has awful parenting skills. You've done all you can now. Tell them to get lost! X

Floridaflipflops · 09/02/2021 15:37

Oh hell no!

Both of them are taking the piss out of you.

DustyVenetian · 09/02/2021 15:40

It sounds as if you and your partner are on totally different levels regarding emotional intelligence and intellect which is never great for compatibility.

Hope you you are able to stand strong and fight for yourself and get your home back.