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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step daughter ignoring me

409 replies

Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 17:50

As above really. Dp and I have been living together for 2 years, she is 14, and an only child. I have children.

Everything was fine she chose to spend most of her time here (she has her own room) and we used to chat away all the time and I really liked her, a couple of months ago she simply started blanking me. There was no apparent reason, although I know this happened with her other parents partner around the same time and they have split up because of it.

My dp tells me to just leave it and that she will come around but she has now stated that she never liked me in the first place.

Its beyond the point of rude this is my house, I pay the bills, I pay the rent, the house is in my name and the blatant disrespect is driving me insane.

I was in an abusive relationship and it feels exactly the same, walking on egg shells, not allowed to say anything, even overhearing her on the phone saying she is going to tell me "a few home truths".

Dp will not talk to her, dp is afraid of frightening her away if rules and boundaries are put into place which is obviously less than ideal.

Also around the same time she fell out with her close friendship group, I asked dp if it was all linked and dp has told me they won't talk about it, there's nothing going on and just to leave it, but I am worried there's something there, but she obviously won't talk to me about it and dp won't talk to her.

Has anyone else been through this. Anything I can do to fix it, or is it totally unfixable?

Tia Flowers

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 09/02/2021 15:48

Try and keep up @RootyT00t Hmm

RootyT00t · 09/02/2021 15:49

@AnneLovesGilbert

Try and keep up *@RootyT00t* Hmm
Pardon?
Vinosaurus · 09/02/2021 15:57

Your DP continues to demonstrate that they are a completely ineffectual parent/partner. Her response, after you talked to her about the seriousness of the issue, was to throw a comment at her DD about being kicked out if she didn't start talking to you and expected it to do the trick? Right.

You both need to show a united, firm but kind, front and get to the bottom of what is going on with her. But it doesn't seem your DP would agree with me.

ScribblingPixie · 09/02/2021 15:59

@Butterymuffin

Go and just talk to her yourself. It can't go any worse than when he does it! He really is an awful parent.

I would be tempted to say she can stay but he needs to go now! You'd probably get on a lot better without him sticking his oar in.

Yes, this! Go in and talk to her yourself - say the things that you know in your heart need to be said and make it clear you don't blame her for the situation. Don't follow your partner's 'instructions' any more - they have utterly let you both down and you need to follow your own much better instincts. Do what's right for you in this situation, OP.
BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 09/02/2021 16:05

What stands out is that you explained to your DP that her parenting style is causing you to be uncomfortable in your own home. And as a result your DP's parenting got even worse and she made her own child into a scapegoat. I really feel for that poor child, but you can't help her because your DP is positioning both of you in antagonistic roles.

I can't see a way back from this. Your DP is obtusely refusing to understand the issue and to act maturely to ensure a cooperative and peaceful family life. Instead of acting to mediate the situation she has escalated it. You are now positioned as a monster who would throw them out into the snow when actually you just want everyone to have their needs met and be happy, and her DD is positioned as a relationship wrecker when she is just a child who needs emotional support and some decent parenting.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 09/02/2021 16:13

Chuck them both out. Your partner is being weak and pathetic and I would not live with a man like that, it's incredibly bad for his daughter to get away with behaviour like that. Why doesn't he pay any bills or rent, why do you let him treat the place like a dosshouse?
It sounds like nobody has any rules or boundaries.
Them having no money is not your problem, you need to toughen up and stop letting yourself be used by people.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 09/02/2021 16:30

Thanks again everyone.

Stupidly I respect dps boundaries as a parent and don't want to cross the line into doing something she actively told me not to (speaking to sd).

Dp is currently working so Its sd, me and my dc in the house, and I don't want to go and talk and have a kick off, sd has been allowed to get away with violence towards her parents before, and they all laugh about it fondly (I'm talking about a punch in the face resulting in injury, not just a mild lash out) I'm not scared of her, but I don't really wish to be shouted at and potentially hit.

She has been failed by everyone, and that now includes me. Her parents can't see the issue so don't deal with it, I can see the issue and can't deal with it. Its a tough place to be, and I know that sd will now blame herself thanks to dps words this morning.

There is definitely something going on with sd, I don't know what, and I would love to get to the bottom of it, for her sake, but its not my place.

I need to remind myself this is my house, there's a reason I kept it as my house, and they need to stick by my rules.

Sd is supposedly visiting her other parent this weekend, so, if things haven't improved, I'll ask dp to pack up then.

If the sd situation does improve then I need to have a long, hard think about everything anyway, but I think you're all right, this isn't a relationship, its me being a mug, so it's probably dead anyway at this point.

OP posts:
billybagpuss · 09/02/2021 16:46

If the sd situation does improve then I need to have a long, hard think about everything anyway, but I think you're all right, this isn't a relationship, its me being a mug, so it's probably dead anyway at this point

The problem is that it’s not the sd that is the issue it’s the DP. If she comes down all sweetness and light towards you the symptom has been healed temporarily, if the conversation had gone you start talking or we get thrown out, the respect from your DP isn’t there. It’s just keeping you sweet so they get to keep the nice life.

If things do change you need to have a serious chat about how things will be different,

Littlepaws18 · 09/02/2021 16:53

Dp has went in and told sd that I'm going to kick them out if she doesn't talk to me, which absolutely won't have helped this at all. I feel that this will have made things a million times worse, but I'll see later when she emerges from her room I guess.

This is absolutely appalling and emotionally abusive. So basically now SD has weight of the world on her shoulders with the responsibility of becoming homeless if she doesn't change her behaviour and you are the villein!!

I would get rid of your partner just for that. It's utterly disgusting and I worry how her bad parenting is projected on your own children who have been through enough.

Your partner is the problem not your SD

acatcalledjohn · 09/02/2021 16:58

Dp has went in and told sd that I'm going to kick them out if she doesn't talk to me

What a shit parent and partner they are. No care for their child nor you. Now I can accept the latter, but the former is so unbelievably awful.

I totally understand why your SD is the way she is. And you're not the one to blame.

sowhatsnext · 09/02/2021 17:03

OP I’ve been here. SD ignored both me and partner for 4 months once (pretty much) following a falling out with Her dad (my partner). I similarly was told to “leave it alone, you’ll make it worse” alongside not being able to enforce and sort of respect or conversation about expected levels of basic ways of being around (my) house. E.g. making sure the garden clear of (her) dogs poop; maybe occasionally cleaning her bathroom and or kitchen (got told I didn’t say thank you when she mopped the floor so why should she ... no thanks to me for putting a roof over their heads for 2+ years and covering all bills). SD is an adult so please no hate.

Anyways ... realisation has dawned and I had decided enough is enough. I’m not proud of the doormat I’ve allowed myself to come and I’m not looking forward to the emotional manipulation, name calling and horrible fallout that is likely to be coming my way. But I’ve definitely had enough.

So offering you much love and support, keep us posted how things go & whatever happens don’t blame yourself when you’ve given your partner enough support for them to sort themselves out, it’s just a shame they’ve used you to instead. X

theleafandnotthetree · 09/02/2021 17:37

Away from the point of the thread I know but I don't know whether to be sad or glad to see a case where it is a mother that is the shit Disney parent looking to have someone else parent her child. Truly appalling conduct by the OPs partner in terms of her parenting and a reminder- which is sometimes needed on Mumsnet where some people refuse to countenance the idea of bad mothers and where men are assumed to be always in the wrong - that selfishness is not confined to those with penises

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 09/02/2021 18:05

She is still ignoring me.

She came into the kitchen, I asked if she would like me to make her something for tea, and she just walked out without saying a word.

Its not her fault, its what she has been allowed to do, but equally it isn't my fault and I shouldn't have to deal with it.

I'm so sorry you're also going through this sowhatsnext its a horrible place to be.

I'm not sure whats going to happen exactly, but I'll be speaking to dp this weekend. Clearly nothing is changing, so the living situation is going to have to change, then I'm going to have to seriously rethink my boundaries.

Thank you for the advice everyone.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 09/02/2021 18:12

Hold on to the thought OP that you have to do the right thing by YOUR children too. You are being strong in all of this and it could have had a different outcome but your "D"P has determined that it will not be. Not you.

NaToth · 09/02/2021 18:23

My SD has ignored me now for 20 years. Had I known then what I know now, I would have ended the relationship with my now DH.

The one time he tried to fix it, she started crying and he ended up apologising to her!

It sounds as though there are other issues in the relationship. I'd move on to be honest.

SnoozyBoozy · 09/02/2021 18:27

To be honest, at this point I would go and talk to dsd myself. The worst that will happen is that your dp will be angry and move out (which is potentially on the cards anyway) and the best scenario is that she will at least open up to you a little. Even if your dp does decide to leave if she's that angry that you went and spoke to her anyway, at least your dsd will know that you tried. She might not show it, but perhaps at some point she will come to appreciate that you tried and that you cared enough to try.

lalafafa · 09/02/2021 19:03

sd has to learn the hard way I think, she can't treat people like shit and get provided for. I would ask your DP to leave this weekend, at least the sd will be at the other parents and have somewhere to stay, they get all the benefits for her anyway.
Your dp will find it easier finding somewhere else to stay if its just her.

MeridianB · 09/02/2021 20:27

Agree this was appallingly handled by your DP.

It’s natural to feel guilty if you’re a kind person. But you are not responsible for fixing this. Two parents and by the sound of it at least once grandparent have had a hand in your DSD’s upbringing and the result is an emotional and behavioural nightmare.

You can’t undo or make up for 14 years of neglectful parenting.

Put your children first by making their home a peaceful place with a happy mother!

EvilKinevil · 09/02/2021 21:53

Hi OP, I have been there and if I didn’t have kids with him, I would have left. Can I just respectfully suggest that if you do talk to her one to one, you record the conversation on your phone to avoid the inevitable triangulation which will happen afterwards ( she’ll be the victim, you’ll be perpetrator and he’ll be her “ rescuer”) . I haven’t read your full posts so don’t know exactly the situation but don’t underestimate the power of conflict by proxy ( BM).

EvilKinevil · 09/02/2021 22:01

Sorry he should say your dp

Dollyparton3 · 09/02/2021 22:27

Hi OP,

Jumping in as an observer of someone who has been through the terrible "14's" of a stepdaughter.

They do change dramatically at that age and in the case of my SD who was dragged through a Disney dad and a mum who went full thrust on parental alienation, she turned fully to manipulation as her weapon of choice at 14 years old abs hasn't stopped since.

The key to unlocking this is how well you and your partner can team up on this. You should deffo call her out on throwing you under the bus with her comment about you today. Then the discussion moves to how you both can parent together in the future. If you don't have her on your side it's a long and lonely road for you and you have to make some decisions.

I hope you can both team up and remember all the best reasons why you got together and created a blended family. Teenagers do not rule the roost and it's a sad reflection of any parent who can't give out tough live when it's needed.

Dollyparton3 · 09/02/2021 22:31

I should add that my husband and I have been together 8 years and really been through the mill with this. The reason why we're still together is that I (like you) own the house we live in and he demands respect for every member in the family when a stepchild acts entitled. He can't change their past, admits his misgivings as a parent but he owns it. That's why I love him and respect him so much

StarsonaString · 10/02/2021 10:25

Your DP has failed her daughter utterly. How horribly sad. And your SD, despite being told bluntly what the consequences of her behaviour would be, has chosen to continue it.

Says it all really. You deserve better.

forrestgreen · 10/02/2021 11:03

You haven't failed her, you just weren't allowed to help.

Branleuse · 10/02/2021 11:05

Thats pretty shocking how she described the situation to SD. Talk about blaming you and SD entirely and nothing about her own acctions or lack of them. Jeez OP, rather you than me