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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step daughter ignoring me

409 replies

Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 17:50

As above really. Dp and I have been living together for 2 years, she is 14, and an only child. I have children.

Everything was fine she chose to spend most of her time here (she has her own room) and we used to chat away all the time and I really liked her, a couple of months ago she simply started blanking me. There was no apparent reason, although I know this happened with her other parents partner around the same time and they have split up because of it.

My dp tells me to just leave it and that she will come around but she has now stated that she never liked me in the first place.

Its beyond the point of rude this is my house, I pay the bills, I pay the rent, the house is in my name and the blatant disrespect is driving me insane.

I was in an abusive relationship and it feels exactly the same, walking on egg shells, not allowed to say anything, even overhearing her on the phone saying she is going to tell me "a few home truths".

Dp will not talk to her, dp is afraid of frightening her away if rules and boundaries are put into place which is obviously less than ideal.

Also around the same time she fell out with her close friendship group, I asked dp if it was all linked and dp has told me they won't talk about it, there's nothing going on and just to leave it, but I am worried there's something there, but she obviously won't talk to me about it and dp won't talk to her.

Has anyone else been through this. Anything I can do to fix it, or is it totally unfixable?

Tia Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 21:58

AnneLovesGilbert that is really helpful, thank you.

OP posts:
Meggymoo777 · 08/02/2021 22:07

What @AnneLovesGilbert has said below is really perfect.
The only thing I would add to it, IF you do actually want to try and save the relationship, is to have another conversation first, one that lays out clearly that your relationship is in serious trouble, that this behaviour is unacceptable to you and if it does not change in X amount of time (a clearly defined and short amount of time) then you will be asking them to move out.
If nothing changes, or there is any push back from her then move onto exactly what @AnneLovesGilbert has said below.
Sorry OP, sounds shit and I do hope things turn for you x

ekidmxcl · 08/02/2021 22:08

There is clearly a serious issue re SD. It doesn’t sound like it’s about you if she’s had multiple fallings out. If your dp refuses to do anything towards tackling the issue, it can’t possibly be fixed. I’d tell them both to leave because your 7yo and you don’t deserve to have your lives ruled by these issues. It would be a different matter if he were willing to do something/anything towards sorting it out and helping her, but he isn’t.

fuzzymoon · 08/02/2021 22:09

Could one of your children ask her why she's ignoring you ? She may open up a little to them and that may give you a glimpse as to why she's shut down.
Another side is that she could be ignoring you in a way to make a point to you she's struggling. She may not be doing it to her parents because she may feel she can't go to them for help.

Five67Eight · 08/02/2021 22:13

OP - you’re not breaking up with him, and making him homeless.

He is breaking up with you, and will find himself homeless through his actions and choices.

This isn’t you making these decisions. It’s him. He’s forcing your hand.

You need to reframe your thinking, and quickly.

Your ‘D’P has brought this entire situation on himself, through his ineffectual parenting, and through his unkindness and lack of support to you.

This is 100% on him.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 22:19

Thanks Meggymoo777 I'm sure ill get through this OK, it will just be the getting there that will be tricky.

It would be a different matter if he were willing to do something this is how I feel, even if SD was still behaving like this, but being pulled up on it things would be so much better.

Could one of your children ask her why she's ignoring you ?

They are a little too young chat like that unfortunately.

Another side is that she could be ignoring you in a way to make a point to you she's struggling. She may not be doing it to her parents because she may feel she can't go to them for help.

I totally get this, but I have to respect dps wishes and they have said not to talk about it with her. If I do I'll, apparently, get a tirade of abuse because that's just her way, I have witnessed it with her parents so I believe that it will happen. I have always been here and done everything I possibly can to make sd comfortable and help to adjust to being here. She used to speak to me about most things. This about turn is a real shock, but I don't have the relationship with her that I do with my dc, I'm not allowed to make decisions, or go against anyones wishes. I just have to stand by and deal with it as best I can, only I cant deal with this anymore. I'm walking on eggshells in my home, a place I swore I'd never get to again.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2021 22:20

Aside from this issue we get on well and I wouldn't be considering leaving the relationship.

We have talked about this and was pretty much told sd will come around and to put up with it. I haven't said they have to leave, dp can be a bit hot headed and will likely go moody and say they will leave if I even bring it up rather than change anything about their parenting at all.

You really need to have a deep rethink about how you view your relationship with him. You say aside from this issue you get on well, but that's not really saying much is it? Of course he's very agreeable when everything is going his way and he's never challenged or brought to task about his failings. Free house, sex, food, a built in cleaner, dishwasher, etc, what's not to love. He's got quite a cushy set-up. But if you say anything, out comes the temper, the moodiness, the excuses, and the total disregard for your feelings.

I don't think you really have a healthy relationship at all, but up until now it's been easy for you to ignore.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 22:21

This is 100% on him. You're right, I have just got myself to a place where I feel responsible, however they don't feel any responsibility towards me and my feelings.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 08/02/2021 22:22

OP I really admire how even in the face of rudeness and provocation and the girls own parents being various shades of useless and emotionally neglectful, you clearly continue to care and worry about her and keep her at the centre of your thinking on this. Would that her parents were half so engaged

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 22:22

I don't think you really have a healthy relationship at all, but up until now it's been easy for you to ignore.

This is truer than I care to admit I think. I have a lot to think about. Thank you.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/02/2021 22:25

The other option is to let rip about how you can’t be expected to take it anymore, you’ve had enough and you’re demanding changes immediately, weep a lot. If DP is the one who’s usually emotional, manipulative and demanding, try that on yourself for half an hour and be clear you’ve run out of good will and you’re losing it. That might give her no option but to protect and defend precious SD and move out without you having to do anything... But I’d advocate calm, collected and clear as you sound really nice, caring and you’d prefer to be mature about it.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 22:26

you clearly continue to care and worry about her and keep her at the centre of your thinking on this

I do worry about her. Its very likely that I won't be in her life much longer, but she can be a great kid, her parents have failed her in a lot of ways and I saw that and tried to help. I worry that she has pushed everyone away from her right now too but I don't think I'm the person who can help her as she is taking it out on me and I have to stick to what her parents say about dealing with her Sad

I can see a whole host of problems she will have as an adult and it makes my heart ache for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 22:29

Whatever happens I don't want sd to think this is her fault. She is already being blamed for one break up and its a lot to put on a 14 year old. I do worry about her and I do care about her. Equally I don't have the relationship where I can deal with her as I would with my dc. Its a hard place to be. Maybe step parenting isn't for me.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 08/02/2021 22:34

@Stepparentwoes

you clearly continue to care and worry about her and keep her at the centre of your thinking on this

I do worry about her. Its very likely that I won't be in her life much longer, but she can be a great kid, her parents have failed her in a lot of ways and I saw that and tried to help. I worry that she has pushed everyone away from her right now too but I don't think I'm the person who can help her as she is taking it out on me and I have to stick to what her parents say about dealing with her Sad

I can see a whole host of problems she will have as an adult and it makes my heart ache for her.

Apart from anything else, I think I would find it hard to respect a man who was such a poor parent. It's impossible to compartmentalise into 'well he's good to me' or 'he's gorgeous' or 'we have a great time together' when the consequences of a person's values and approach to dealing with problems is being played out in your kitchen. It would certainly make me re-think the relationship
Meggymoo777 · 08/02/2021 22:37

I agree with PP, you do sound lovely and you do seem to keep SD in the centre of your thinking, even though you're struggling so much yourself.
I don't think it's that step parenting isn't for you, I think you've just been put in an impossible position by your DP where you can't step in and help SD in the way you want, the way her parents should be doing and in the way she clearly needs.
But you do need to look after your DC and yourself, you can't pour from an empty cup. You need to put you both first.

CorianderBee · 08/02/2021 22:42

Sounds like she's having a hard time tbh. I remember being 14 and feeling so alone.

Teenagers don't recognise that it's 'your house' because they can't have their own home that they pay for. They don't get a choice in where they are.

Leave her be.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 22:44

Apart from anything else, I think I would find it hard to respect a man who was such a poor parent

I didn't really notice at first.

I had been a completely single parent for many years, and have more than 1 dc. Dp had been part of two parents raising one child so there were differences there to begin with.

I didn't actually realise until they moved in that the 'language' they use was possessions. Sd is grumpy - gets stuff, sad - gets stuff, angry - gets stuff and hasn't been raised with any manners so comes across quite rude, which I had been working on with her. My dc are being brought up to do chores, and learn basic life skills and poor sd couldn't even work a microwave and my 7yo showed her. I felt so sad for her so have been teaching her how to cook etc.

I am having a serious rethink, I'm not sure that this can be saved at this point, but I need to find a gentle way to do this, I don't want to fall out and I really don't want to put anything else on sd.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 08/02/2021 22:44

Despite the pasting step parents sometimes get here and elsewhere, those who are decent and stable people are sometimes able to see and understand the needs of their stepchildren better than their own parents who are often mired in conflict, guilt, etc or who can't see the wood for the trees. The OP seems to be such a steparent but is stuck in the worse place to be, well aware of the problems and caring enough to help with them but forbidden from doing so.

SnoozyBoozy · 08/02/2021 22:50

I'd be inclined to talk to your dp about how much this is affecting you and give her 3 options, as you aren't prepared to be treated like this in your own home: either she talks to her daughter, you talk to her daughter or you call it quits on the relationship.

That way the ball is in her court, but she knows things can't continue the way they are and the onus is on her to choose a solution.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 22:52

Sounds like she's having a hard time tbh.

I agree. I'm not allowed to talk to her about it though, and her parents won't, and, at this point, she simply won't talk to me. I would leave her be but she walks into a room and I say hi or ask if she wants food and she 100% blanks me, if I'm talking to dp she walks in and starts talking over me and generally acts like I don't exist. Dp has spoken to her and she says she hates me and has never liked me and never will, which is obviously not true as we used to get on. Its an unlivable situation for me to be in, it reminds me of living with my ex who used to give me the silent treatment as a punishment, then I worked so hard to get my own home and for it to be my sanctuary and I feel like I'm walking on eggshells again.

But you do need to look after your DC and yourself, you can't pour from an empty cup

This is true, we have been through it, and I built myself up to such a great place and I have somehow allowed myself into a shitty situation again without even realising it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 22:57

The OP seems to be such a steparent but is stuck in the worse place to be, well aware of the problems and caring enough to help with them but forbidden from doing so.

Thank you for this, this is how I feel. If dp said "go ahead and talk to her" then I really would try my best, even a text conversation. As it is sd is issuing lists of demands of things she wants and her parents are falling over themselves to buy her these things, but neither want to recognise she has a problem or want to deal with how to help her with the problem. Far easier to put a sticking plaster over it and buy stuff, but she needs help imo.

I'd be inclined to talk to your dp about how much this is affecting you and give her 3 options, as you aren't prepared to be treated like this in your own home: either she talks to her daughter, you talk to her daughter or you call it quits on the relationship.

This is what I'm going to do in the next couple of days. I'm hoping sd visits her other parent so dp and I can talk.

OP posts:
feellikeanun · 08/02/2021 23:06

So you provide for him and SD. Who gets the family allowance for her? Tax credits etc?

He needs to grow up and respect you and your home.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 23:09

Who gets the family allowance for her? Tax credits etc?

This has been a massive pain in the arse. SD spends around 90% of the time here but her other parents claims the child benefit and tax credits.

OP posts:
feellikeanun · 08/02/2021 23:14

@Stepparentwoes

Who gets the family allowance for her? Tax credits etc?

This has been a massive pain in the arse. SD spends around 90% of the time here but her other parents claims the child benefit and tax credits.

That's not good at all. I would be getting this sorted like now. It would help you and you DP with the debt.

Please put yourself first for a change.

theleafandnotthetree · 08/02/2021 23:18

@Stepparentwoes

Who gets the family allowance for her? Tax credits etc?

This has been a massive pain in the arse. SD spends around 90% of the time here but her other parents claims the child benefit and tax credits.

Ah now here, they are taking the piss (the parents that is). You are too kind hearted OP and providing far too soft a place to land. What is most infuriating is that your peace in your own home was hard won, you deserve it and it is now being eroded. You don't have to do anything drastic of course but I would be gently excruciating myself if I were you, at least from all living together