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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step daughter ignoring me

409 replies

Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 17:50

As above really. Dp and I have been living together for 2 years, she is 14, and an only child. I have children.

Everything was fine she chose to spend most of her time here (she has her own room) and we used to chat away all the time and I really liked her, a couple of months ago she simply started blanking me. There was no apparent reason, although I know this happened with her other parents partner around the same time and they have split up because of it.

My dp tells me to just leave it and that she will come around but she has now stated that she never liked me in the first place.

Its beyond the point of rude this is my house, I pay the bills, I pay the rent, the house is in my name and the blatant disrespect is driving me insane.

I was in an abusive relationship and it feels exactly the same, walking on egg shells, not allowed to say anything, even overhearing her on the phone saying she is going to tell me "a few home truths".

Dp will not talk to her, dp is afraid of frightening her away if rules and boundaries are put into place which is obviously less than ideal.

Also around the same time she fell out with her close friendship group, I asked dp if it was all linked and dp has told me they won't talk about it, there's nothing going on and just to leave it, but I am worried there's something there, but she obviously won't talk to me about it and dp won't talk to her.

Has anyone else been through this. Anything I can do to fix it, or is it totally unfixable?

Tia Flowers

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 08/02/2021 23:19

I bet if you speak to him about this, make it clear that you won't put up with this disrespect and it absolutely means the end of relationship - He will suddenly parent her.

Bloody cheek.

I wouldn't be tiptoeing around her in my own home anyway. Sod that. As for telling her mates on the phone that she'll be telling you some home truths?!

Out you go. Take your Dad with you.

She lives with her Mum I presume so she won't be homeless will she. Your DP as an adult can fend for himself.

Too bothersome to have to deal with in this one life we have. A life where far too often women are expected to put up with utter bullshit just for the sake of having a man.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 23:19

I would love to have it sorted but dp just sort of gave up arguing over it, the debt is all dps and it would help immensely but, again, I'm not allowed to be involved with the financial side of it.

I imagine that there will be some fire in their belly to fight again when I'm no longer funding the lifestyle though.

I've been such an idiot, so determined to be independent that I've let myself be taken for a fool.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 23:29

Sd had 2 homes, she was like this with her other step parent and it got too much and they split as they were about to jointly buy somewhere and they didn't want to put money into a place they would be treated like crap in. Sds other parent is currently sleeping on someone's couch, but sd has lived here most of the time for the past 2 years, sometimes not visiting the other parent for weeks. I would say she is here about 90% of the time. I believe the other step parent did speak up and got shot down by sd and that was the crux of it (not sure the exact details).

I would be gently excruciating myself if I were you, at least from all living together

This is pretty much where I'm at I think, but I do worry about sd, she will have successfully split both her parents up from their dps, have nowhere proper to live, and ineffectual parents who will simply try and buy her love. I feel so sad for her.

OP posts:
Techway · 08/02/2021 23:30

You partner has little emotional intelligence, poor parenting skills and can't manage money, do you respect her or are you feeling responsible and acting as a carer?

TeeBee · 08/02/2021 23:31

Well it's looks as though she's about to learn that actions have consequences. Not before time it seems. A good life lesson.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 23:32

do you respect her or are you feeling responsible and acting as a carer?

A question I am asking myself right now for the first time. Sadly I think the answer is that I feel responsible.

OP posts:
NovemberR · 08/02/2021 23:33

You are so much kinder than I am.

I would absolutely not allow anyone to blank me or make me feel shit in my own home. It is abusive and it's irrelevant that it is coming from your SD. Allowing this to continue does her no favours in the long run. I admire that you don't want to make her feel that the break up of your relationship is on her, but clearly her behaviour and your DPs refusal to deal with it are the biggest contributory factor.

Imo you would be modelling firm boundaries as to the treatment adult women should accept by pointing out You do not get to treat people like this. It is unacceptable and they do not have to tolerate being treated like dirt. You are civil and polite to the people you live with or they ask you to leave. it is a good life lesson.

You are nobody's whipping boy and where your dp goes or how they provide for their child is ultimately not your responsibility or problem. You do not have to be paying for the privilege of being treated as someone to wipe their feet on.

HollowTalk · 08/02/2021 23:35

How come he has no money if he's living virtually free with you? Does he work?

nocluemummy · 08/02/2021 23:39

It sounds like shes being difficult but you know, want help talk it out.. maybe she feels too defensive atm to anyone trying to help?

Just like writing feelings down to calm ourselves when angry.. would emailing her or writing a note to her actually get through her? That way she has to read the whole thing and the decide weather she wants to shout or think about it or approach you or your dp.

If you think its a good idea maybe dp will agree too?

Its just coming from my experience where sometimes i successfully express better on paper than by mouth 😐

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 23:41

You do not get to treat people like this. It is unacceptable and they do not have to tolerate being treated like dirt. You are civil and polite to the people you live with or they ask you to leave.

This is what I would like to say to her pretty much, but I'm not allowed. You're right though I shouldn't be paying to get treated like crap.

How come he has no money if he's living virtually free with you? Does he work?

Dp does work but has wracked up mounds of debt living a totally unattainable lifestyle (very stupid and before I came along)and now overtime has stopped and furlough took its toll too but the interest and debts keep piling up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 23:43

I would easily email or text, dp keeps telling me sd isn't a talker though and pushing a conversation about feelings would make things worse and get her angry so I shouldn't do it. So I have to just leave it alone.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 08/02/2021 23:54

Could he go to the council if you kick him out. I think if he presents as homeless with his daughter he should get temporary housing through them.
It isnt your responsibility. You shouldnt have to feel like that in yoir own home

acatcalledjohn · 08/02/2021 23:54

Gosh, you really are nothing order than a meal ticket to your partner and their DD, are you? What's attractive about someone who:

  1. Has mountains of debt
  2. Won't parent their child

You would be well within your rights to pull up your SD on her behaviour in your home and if partner has an issue with that then they can move out.

I feel sorry for the SD, but you cannot be expected to not parent SD when your partner will happily parent your children.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 23:59

I'm not sure the council would help them as dp works, and, despite what I'm saying here, is on fairly alright money so probably not entitled to council housing.

I can't answer what I find attractive anymore. I think I've got into a situation where I have made myself feel responsible and that's sort of where I am rather than being in love.

OP posts:
Mrsmummy90 · 09/02/2021 00:12

From reading your posts on this thread, it's pretty clear that he brings nothing to your relationship and you're spending your hard earned money on housing a teenage brat and her incapable father.

You're not responsible for them and you have completely valid reasons for wanting them out.
If they're living in your house, the very least you'd expect from them is some respect and you're not getting that so don't feel bad for asking them to leave.

Put yourself and your children first and enjoy a happy home.

MeridianB · 09/02/2021 07:21

It sounds as if your DP is laying a huge set of problems on your lap, contributing little on any level and seeking to control rather alarmingly.

14yo living with you 90% of the time has refused to speak to you for two years? But you’re not allowed to do anything about it.

The NRP who “isn’t fussed” about their daughter and has her 10% of the time claims all the benefits (presumably while paying no maintenance to your DP?). But you’re not allowed to question this, despite financial supporting your DP and DSD.

You sound so caring while her parents have failed her to the extent that she will struggle to navigate the world in just four year’s time.

And this: Your partner is disrespecting you by allowing his/her DD to act like that and I'm sorry to say, those shitty stepparent and stepsister figures to your kids are possibly affecting them. They may get on with your DSD now but they will be seeing how she acts in their home.

You’re showing your DCs what close relationships look like and how we should allow ourselves to be treated. By normalising this, you are baking it into their life experiences. You deserve better and your DC need protecting. I suspect once this is all resolved they will express feelings of relief that may surprise you.

Flowers
Bumblebee1980a · 09/02/2021 07:58

@Stepparentwoes
Suggest he speaks to stepchange (debt charity) . You give them all the details of the debt and you can either put your debt on hold or pay a small percentage.

It would then give your DP a chance to either save for a couple of months for a rental deposit (whilst on hold) and giving them a chance to rectify it all with your DSD.

Fourteen is the most difficult age for a female teenager. Im not condoning how she is with you though and how your DP is being.

Sit down and tell your DP how serious it is (that you want to live separately) and give them details of the debt charity.

I guess it's better for you if you give a formal warning (advice above) as opposed to just telling your DP to leave.

Bumblebee1980a · 09/02/2021 08:30

I meant either save for a couple of months (if you allow that) or leave immediately (whilst debt on hold) and spend that months money on renting somewhere if that's possible.

Also I meant 'give him the detail' and not them as you would be speaking to him alone (not with his daughter).

LatentPhase · 09/02/2021 08:42

Op, when I met DP his dd was out of school due to anxiety. She was 14. She fell into a place where neither her mum or dad would engage her on moving forward. I felt desperately sad for her that her parents did nothing to help her. She is now a 19yr old who is quite frankly, hard to be around. Mum funds a lavish lifestyle of shopping trips, wifi,
Latest phone, holidays. DP’s dd is rude and entitled and her attitude stinks. I no longer feel sorry for her. She’s not got passed the toddler stage as her parents haven’t ‘got round’ to teaching decent behaviour. She has zero life skills (my 14 yr old showed her last year how a washing machine works). We have separate homes and finances while the shitshow continues. I’ve told DP either he grows up and develops boundaries or we live separately for ever.

As long as the emotional neglect continues this won’t get better.

SeasonFinale · 09/02/2021 09:50

How I wish people would read the thread properly.

DP is female. It is not a "he" that she needs to deal with but SD's own mother which is what complicates the matter further. In a way if it was a he it would be easier because it would be easier for OP to approach SD from a "motherly position.

I don't think OP that you must take on the burden of how SD might feel if she felt she was the cause of a break up. You sound very kind and as though you have done all you can.

I am relieved you have kept your finances separate but at the end of the day of your DP does not address the issue then you should not feel guilty about asking her to leave.

Bumblebee1980a · 09/02/2021 09:58

@SeasonFinale

I accidentally put 'he'. If you read the rest of my post I put 'them'. OP didn't want to stipulate whether DP was male or female; it was stipulated that it would be too outing.

SeasonFinale · 09/02/2021 10:04

[quote Bumblebee1980a]@SeasonFinale

I accidentally put 'he'. If you read the rest of my post I put 'them'. OP didn't want to stipulate whether DP was male or female; it was stipulated that it would be too outing. [/quote]
She later confirmed it was a same sex relationship and that SD was a member of the LGBTQ community. I didn't mean you in particular but a large number of posters are continuing the "he" thing. I do think the dynamic is different and this affects the advice because it is harder to find the "role" when you are mum to your kids but also a step mum where mum is there rather than a step mum where you are their Dad's partner. It just sets up a different dynamic in the household where you do feel more as though you are stepping on toes. Because mum is there.

That is why I think it is important to see that the circumstances are not the same as where the DP is male.

Bumblebee1980a · 09/02/2021 10:13

@SeasonFinale

Agree. I think OP should have put that in her original post. Hindsight though hey.

RedMarauder · 09/02/2021 10:14

OP please ignore all those posters telling you how you can direct your partner to help and/or help their daughter.

This is because it is not your problem

It is has gone on too long and your partner has shown you they do not want your help so you need to end the relationship asap.

Give your partner 14 days notice to move out verbally and then follow it up by email or text message.

Bumblebee1980a · 09/02/2021 10:19

@RedMarauder

These types of posts annoy me. Surely it's up to OP to read all the posts and make her own informed decision.

Have you read all of OPs posts?

She doesn't want her relationship to end. She also said she would feel bad just asking her to leave. So surely it would be better for OP to give DP advice first (even if just a link to the debt charity) whilst stating she doesn't want to live together under these circumstances.