Step daughter ignoring me

[Stepparentwoes]

As above really. Dp and I have been living together for 2 years, she is 14, and an only child. I have children.

Everything was fine she chose to spend most of her time here (she has her own room) and we used to chat away all the time and I really liked her, a couple of months ago she simply started blanking me. There was no apparent reason, although I know this happened with her other parents partner around the same time and they have split up because of it.

My dp tells me to just leave it and that she will come around but she has now stated that she never liked me in the first place.

Its beyond the point of rude this is my house, I pay the bills, I pay the rent, the house is in my name and the blatant disrespect is driving me insane.

I was in an abusive relationship and it feels exactly the same, walking on egg shells, not allowed to say anything, even overhearing her on the phone saying she is going to tell me "a few home truths".

Dp will not talk to her, dp is afraid of frightening her away if rules and boundaries are put into place which is obviously less than ideal.

Also around the same time she fell out with her close friendship group, I asked dp if it was all linked and dp has told me they won't talk about it, there's nothing going on and just to leave it, but I am worried there's something there, but she obviously won't talk to me about it and dp won't talk to her.

Has anyone else been through this. Anything I can do to fix it, or is it totally unfixable?

Tia

Not your problem. You and you children deserve a happy harmonious home and none of you are getting that at the moment. If your partner isn’t prepared to tackle this blatant disrespect then you have no choice. Please kick them out.

The daughter goes back to her mother

This is part of the problem, because sds other parent and partner have split up they aren't in a position to take sd either, nor are they particularly fussed about SD either. They preferred having a couple of visits a month than sd there all the time.

Need to remind myself its not my problem.

DP can allow DSD to get away with behaving like this only as long as it doesn’t affect anyone else. That is not the case here. They have to decide which is more important, pandering to DSD, or showing a bit of respect to the one person providing them with a home.

Yes, she’s their child not yours. They need to parent her and provide accommodation for her, she’s not your responsibility and their both taking the piss out of you. Also spending that amount of money in her is ridiculous if he’s in debt. He’s a cocklodger.

And a Disney dad.

If it was me, unless your at the point where you don't want to, I'd try and thrash it out with her.

Is she pushing you away to see if you will just let her and in her mind that proves your not bothered about her?
Ie if you were bothered you'd try?

I know it's not logical but I've done that with ex partners before without realising. Push them away before they get too close because they will leave me anyway type of thing.

If her parents aren't parenting her like you say it's going to have an effect on her. But it's also not your problem really. It depends on how much you want this to work and how much you want to get to the bottom of it.

It sounds really hard

I've said I'll just ask her, and was told not to and just to leave it. The other night when I spoke to dp about it and I said I was getting to the point it was making me miserable they said that I could but that I would be in the receiving end of a mouthful of abuse and I would just have to take it, I said I wouldn't be taking anything, I wouldn't allow my kids to disrespect me and talk to me like that so I won't allow sd to do it. So then we were back to saying nothing again.

Sd has no respect for her parents at all, some of the things she has said and done to them are truly shocking, she never gets pulled up on it though because "its just how she is".

I would drop the daughter off at her mother's, or put her in a taxi and pay the fare (to get her off your hands). You can wish her all the best while she's ignoring you.
But you are definitely being taken for a ride here.

:-/

I've said I'll just ask her, and was told not to and just to leave it. The other night when I spoke to dp about it and I said I was getting to the point it was making me miserable they said that I could but that I would be in the receiving end of a mouthful of abuse and I would just have to take it

My god, your partner is absolutely fucking useless. He is taking you for a mug and a doormat, and he has not one shred of respect for you or you home.. How you can even bear to look at him is beyond me.

It isn’t just how she is though is it? It’s more that it’s how they’ve made her. That doesn’t mean it’s how she’s always going to be, we all change and grow up a lot over time, but why should you be expected to put up with behaviour that you wouldn’t accept from your own children, while carrying most of the cost of her and her parent living with you?

What is your own children’s view on what is going on? The atmosphere in the house must be very tense

A cock-lodger and his rude daughter - just show them the door. It's not your responsibility to house them.
And next time steer clear of men who bring nothing to the table. I bet he wanted to keep his finances separate - you pay the bills, you pay the rent, and he gets a bit of shopping 'sometimes.' Landed on his feet there, didn't he?
I despair of women sometimes. How can you let yourself be taken for such a mug!

DP is the resident parent and a Disney mum. Which is irrelevant to you needing your house back and free of these outrageous expectations of being a doormat in your own home.

I can't stand this type of dad parenting. When I first met my partner he didn't want to say anything that might rock the boat. But you know sometimes that boat needs rocking! It's not in your SDs best interest to let her get away with such bad attitudes and behaviours, because this is what she will consider the norm and take it into adulthood. And it's not good for your mental health.

Kids also need boundaries to feel safe. They don't realise this but they do.

The first person you need to speak to is your partner you need to outline what behaviour you don't agree with. Then you need to work together to explain how you are going to both deal with this behaviour. Because the issue isn't the SD, the issue is lack of parenting from her father.

Both my partner and I have very clear boundaries when it comes to behaviour. If they do something not appropriate, we discuss it with them, they articulate what they have done, we discuss why it's an issue and how it impacts others. We then give a suitable punishment and it's followed through. On the same token if they achieve or do something lovely no matter how small we celebrate it. Once the issue is over we never bring it up again. But we never ever not follow through no matter how much they try to bargain, give attitude, threaten not to come. We simply say well that's a shame because we love seeing you and we can't wait to see you next time. And whenever they do turn up we then follow through and things are back to normal.

But your issue is parenting styles of your partner. You both have to be on the same page.

From my reading the OP's DP is a woman and the mother of SD not male. The SD's other parent who has recently split from his partner is Dad. I am not sure why OP can't just say that. It makes no difference to the advice (other than her partner isn't a cocklodger).

However it is quite normal at around 14 for girls to become a bit mardy and moody with their mums and I suspect in a female heavy house such as yours it is magnified.

I suspect it is a case of ride it out unless you really are not happy with your DP and as others have said what are you getting out of that particular relationship?

Sd talks to my kids, she spends a lot of time in her room, and my kids are that bit younger so all in all my kids haven't noticed.

It was me that wanted to keep finances separate. I was in an abusive relationship with my dcs dad and I was financially reliant on him and swore I would never do that again. I feel like I have possibly went too far the other way though.

Maybe I am a mug, it really wasn't like this for the prior 3 years of our relationship and I think I've fallen into this without even realising.

I have told myself that its not sds fault- to a point. The poor girl has pretty inept parents and I really tried so hard to teach her that things have value other than financial and taught her things her parents never bothered with (general life skills). For some reason she now hates me and will not talk to me, which will be made worse as dp and her will be out on the streets with no money and no home in the middle if a pandemic and I'll be blamed if dp doesn't step up in the next couple of days.

I am not sure why OP can't just say that.

I don't want to be too specific in case dp or sds other parent recognises this and things get a million times worse.

You kick him out by saying the relationship isn't working for you anymore and he has 4 weeks to move out.

OP, all relationships are conditional. If DP was the one stonewalling you would you be worried about them being homeless? SD’s place in your home, your home, is conditional on the behaviour of her parent and since they’re both acting appallingly it’s over and you’re not obliged to stay in this shit show for a day longer.

I'm afraid I would be telling your partner that they can sling his/her hook. The debt they have is not yours. It was not caused by you and is not your problem to solve.

Not a chance would I have been allowed by my mum or my dad to be disrespectful to their boyfriend/girlfriend/husband or wife. My stepparents were absolute dicks too. Stepdad acted the big man and used to do things like turn the tv on to something we hated (like WWE Wrestling) and sod off into a different room or outside. If we turned it back to what we were watching and he came back in he would kick off. It was a power thing, his version of pissing on OUR home marking his territory. DSis and I were very respectful but would not cower to him like mum did (she would apologise if HE dropped something and she'd say it was her fault and hiss a threat at DSis and I if we refused to do so too)
Stepmum wouldn't even allow us in dads house after she moved in. That was messed up and it took 6 months of dad seeing us in secret for him to stand up to her (after DSis blew up and told him to fuck off after he screamed at me for accidentally leaving a book there risking her finding out.) we STILL had to be on our best behaviours. To absolute cunts.

Your partner is disrespecting you by allowing his/her DD to act like that and I'm sorry to say, those shitty stepparent and stepsister figures to your kids are possibly affecting them. They may get on with your DSD now but they will be seeing how she acts in their home.

@Stepparentwoes

I am not sure why OP can't just say that.

I don't want to be too specific in case dp or sds other parent recognises this and things get a million times worse.

Do you think this has something to do with her mother being in a same sex relationship? Maybe at the start of your relationship it did not bother her as she was so young but is she now feeling uncomfortable with her mother being with another woman? I'm not saying this is in anyway right but at this age there could be serious issues with bullying/taunting etc?

Do you think this has something to do with her mother being in a same sex relationship?

No its something that sd has had all of her life and she is part of the LGB community too, her some of her friends have LGBT parents too, so I genuinely don't think this is an issue.

I think it is a dp problem more than anything. If they were doing something about it I would feel much better but it seems to be me having to accommodate this behaviour, or put up with, what sounds like, a tirade of verbal abuse aimed at me. Although at least I would know the issue if that happened I suppose.

I just don't know how to kick them out. "Sorry I know you have no money and nowhere to go and we are in the middle of a pandemic but I need you to leave because your kids a little shit and you're doing fuck all about it"

Have you had a conversation with your partner where you have gone so far as to say "This behaviour is making me miserable in my own home and unless something seriously changes I'm afraid I'll have to ask you both to leave"?

Do you still love and want to be with your partner or has this just ruined the relationship?

“This situation with SD ignoring me and being completely disrespectful, and your decision to let this behaviour slide, is no longer bearable and I and my DC deserve better. If you’d shown any willingness to tackle this properly and parent her instead of making excuses we might have found a way to work through it. But that’s not been the case and I’ve now got to end our relationship and ask you to move out within the next 2/4 weeks.”

“Waaaah, you know what she’s like, what do you expect me to do, debts, blah, nowhere to go, how could you?”

“I’ve been clear about my feelings and what now needs to happen. I’m sure you’ll sort something out. Please make sure you’ve moved out by x date as I’ve been putting up with this stress for long enough”

“Waaahhh”

“I’m not prepared to discuss this again. I’ve been clear and need you to be out by x date”

Aside from this issue we get on well and I wouldn't be considering leaving the relationship.

We have talked about this and was pretty much told sd will come around and to put up with it. I haven't said they have to leave, dp can be a bit hot headed and will likely go moody and say they will leave if I even bring it up rather than change anything about their parenting at all. Maybe that's what needs to happen, I don't know. My whole world is turning upside down because of this