Step daughter ignoring me

[Stepparentwoes]

As above really. Dp and I have been living together for 2 years, she is 14, and an only child. I have children.

Everything was fine she chose to spend most of her time here (she has her own room) and we used to chat away all the time and I really liked her, a couple of months ago she simply started blanking me. There was no apparent reason, although I know this happened with her other parents partner around the same time and they have split up because of it.

My dp tells me to just leave it and that she will come around but she has now stated that she never liked me in the first place.

Its beyond the point of rude this is my house, I pay the bills, I pay the rent, the house is in my name and the blatant disrespect is driving me insane.

I was in an abusive relationship and it feels exactly the same, walking on egg shells, not allowed to say anything, even overhearing her on the phone saying she is going to tell me "a few home truths".

Dp will not talk to her, dp is afraid of frightening her away if rules and boundaries are put into place which is obviously less than ideal.

Also around the same time she fell out with her close friendship group, I asked dp if it was all linked and dp has told me they won't talk about it, there's nothing going on and just to leave it, but I am worried there's something there, but she obviously won't talk to me about it and dp won't talk to her.

Has anyone else been through this. Anything I can do to fix it, or is it totally unfixable?

Tia

Dp does work but has wracked up mounds of debt living a totally unattainable lifestyle (very stupid and before I came along)and now overtime has stopped and furlough took its toll too but the interest and debts keep piling up

Well he needs to get the Child benefit and credit from the other parent and find a place with his daughter? He could argue that as he has her with him he should be the one receiving the benefits. That way you could get them both out of your hair, perhaps?

Oh wow I didn't realise this is now 4 pages.. I've missed a lot! Ignore me OP.

Hope you're doing ok op xxx

Youre so right MyCatHatesEverybody I was the same when I left my ex husband.

I remember standing in the shop agonising about what shopping to get because I was so restricted for so long, to have the freedom to choose was unsettling and I almost craved the control again, if that makes sense. I got through that and I'll get through this.

Thanks for asking Mrsmummy90 I had a really lovely evening with my kids, I feel very peaceful tonight, had a rare bath when they went to bed, I don't usually have the time, and put crap on TV and then started a book.

forrestgreen I've blocked exdp for tonight, Ill unblock her in the morning while we sort what time she is coming to get the last of her things. I hope tomorrow will be the last of it.

Sorry adrianmolesmole the thread moved on pretty swiftly from my op

Well, at least you know we're not all homophobic, stepmum-hating women with nothing better to do than yell abuse at vulnerable people when they need support. I think you sound lovely, and I think your ex and sd will already be looking for their next wicket. Sorry you're lonely, but it will soon be Spring for you and you might emerge from Covid into the sunshine feeling like a new woman! (figuratively and literally)

Oh wow this has moved on swiftly.

Well done you OP

@Stepparentwoes re I remember standing in the shop agonising about what shopping to get because I was so restricted for so long, to have the freedom to choose was unsettling and I almost craved the control again, if that makes sense.

Shortly after DH and I started dating we went grocery shopping together for the very first time, I picked up a small pack of baking potatoes for like 60p and asked him if it was ok for me to put in the trolley. He said yeah of course, then told me later how telling it was that I instinctively asked permission for such an innocuous little thing, I hadn't even realised I'd done it, my behaviour was that ingrained!

I was definitely the boiled frog, it can be so hard to spot abuse when it creeps up on you and isn't the obvious stuff like physical violence... your boundaries get shifted little by little until the benchmark you're judging everything by is skewed beyond anything normal yet you can have no idea it's happened.

Checking to see how things are tonight? The hole left behind shrinks slowly

Keep strong.

Hi OP. Hope all is going well. When is DC's party? Hope it all goes well.

Thanks for asking how I am. Yesterday was pretty hard. Exdp came and got the last of their things. She took sd over and was shouting at her to apologise. There was a lot said and it wasn't very nice, I asked them to wait outside and brought their things out, let sd have her rants and didn't say anything, I told exdp to stop blaming sd though. I think it was just a last ditched attempt to fix things, extremely misguided, and there was no need to take sd into it. Anyway that's everything gone, and I have blocked their numbers. I also emailed the school just to eat them know as nobody else will.

Its my dcs birthday day tomorrow so I'm busy today sorting everything. Can't wait for tomorrow. All I need to do is nip out and get a cake today.

it can be so hard to spot abuse when it creeps up on you and isn't the obvious stuff like physical violence

This is so true. I've spent the last few days just wondering why the hell I put up with things for so long. SD was being abusive and that was facilitated by her mum, I see it so clearly now I'm not in it. Not blaming sd, but that's just how things have been allowed.

My home feels like a home again. Happy and free, its actually amazing. I didn't notice how heavy it had become.

I signed up for an online course, nothing fancy, and nothing that will make me qualified for anything, but something I've been interested in for a while so that will fill the void until we can all start peopleing again

Well done, it shows how misguided ex is, if she thinks shouting at sd to apologise is.
Have a lovely day tomorrow

"She took sd over and was shouting at her to apologise."

I'm guessing your exDP was thinking that by doing that either her DD would miraculously apologise, or if she didn't then worst ways it would show you "look I am trying, I've done all I can to tackle it just like you asked" i.e. in either scenario you'd be unreasonable for not taking her back.

There is zero hope when the issue from which all of this stems - the lack of parenting - is still there in full force.

It'll probably hit you like a ton of bricks now that they're blocked and you're not seeing them again but hang on to that homely, happy and free feeling and come back here if you have a wobble.

Have a lovely day tomorrow and lots of

I've actually been alright, I've felt a bit lonely, but its more like missing someone being there rather than my ex in particular, if that makes sense.

I feel desperately sad for sd, her parents will fall over themselves to blame her, then to buy her, things will get a million times worse for her before they ever get better.

I'm signing up to do the freedom programme online again, its been a few years since I did it, and clearly need a refresher.

I was going to try and bake a cake but I fear my talent won't live up to my ideas so I'm definitely going to buy one. The shop bought ones are ridiculous though, I sometimes look at the ones that say its for 16 people and think "I could probably eat that by myself in one sitting"

@Stepparentwoes

You've handled the whole thing really well. Enjoy your new freedom and that sense of lightness.

I’m so pleased that you realise that you were being abused by stealth, or abused once removed. I can see how someone as nurturing as you would find it so hard to let go of that relationship when there is a kid involved. This is why dodgy men use puppies to lure women and kids to their sides in parks, too... cute and vulnerable is seductive to the right person, but eventually little girls turn into resentful teens (logical in this circumstance) and then you see the light. Your partner’s circumstances hadn’t changed at all between her last relationship and yours. She’s a user. Her kid will unfortunately grow up the same. You were a mark. I’m so sad about this because you sound so intelligent and generous and you deserve the world.

I'm sorry to say, I do think you are a lovely person and you were used by this person. The parent knew how her kid would act but didn't care. yet she was in so much debt she could not afford to live on her own and so used you as a dossing place.

Feel so sorry for you. Not at the same extent, but I had a scrounger friend exactly like this. How do you get a stranger to do anything they say. Pretend to be their friend or even worse there partner.

Justice will prevail and it looks like they will get theirs pretty quickly. My scrounger friend has nothing now and has contacted me once or twice to get in touch, but I suspect more for help. I told them they could do one. Got very abusive then apologised, but then I blocked them. Some people are just beyond saving. You deserve someone loving and I no doubt feel you will find them very soon.

Good for you Op. remember to take time for yourself in all of this and enjoy some quality time with your children. I’m so glad you have your house back now and are able to walk around without feeling awkward or ignored! And also, I wouldn’t feel to bad for the step child because no matter what way she was raised, at 14 she absolutely knows ignoring and making people feel unwelcome in their own home is WRONG! She chose to act that way, she chose to make you feel like that and at 14 she knew exactly what she was doin!!! She will get a massive shock when she gets older and she has a lot of learning to do, but thankfully you won’t have any involvement in that shit show!😁 enjoys yourself, your kids, your house and your peace!💐

@Stepparentwoes how are you OP?

Wow, that was some read. I actually did get my lunch and a cup of tea in between reading. It's refreshing that you saw the light op and that when nudged by the advice of all the posters, you could remember how you were abused before and could see resemblances in the way your recent partner and her dd were abusing you. This could have dragged on for months, with you delving into a pit of depression at the hands of a teenager and her pathetic excuse for a parent. Fair play to you for ripping the bandaid off and for putting yourself and your kids first.

Your ex is an absolute disgrace to blame her dd for this - she and sd's other mother are wholly to blame, given their lack of parenting. But they won't admit that and will blame anyone else. Well done for blocking them. I loved the part where you say you had a bath and then read a book - what a peaceful scenario. Embrace your new found freedom and enjoy the time you will get to spend doing fun things with your children, without any doom and gloom hanging over you all xx

@Stepparentwoes
Wow. Just read this. You really are a star. My guess is that at some point sd will be on your doorstep saying she needs you, because you are the only person who’s let her be a kid by setting boundaries and taking care of the adult stuff., and can shemove in?
Don’t do it op. Tell her you wish her well, but her place is with her parents.

Hi everyone.

I just wanted to pop back on with a little update.

SD (I know she isn't anymore but I'll say that for the sake of ease) has, unfortunately, got worse.

I am still in sporadic contact with my ex. They got thrown out of where they were staying because SD started screaming at, and went to hit the person they were staying with because she was told to get up for school.

She has moved in with her other Mums relative and sees neither of her parents anymore. The person she is staying with gives her total free reign over everything, all help has been refused, both parents literally throw money at her and just hope that she will come around and be a decent person.

I know that last week there was police involvement over something or other, but I'm not sure what, and that there has been an incident of racism at school involving her.

Ex did ask to move back in here because SD was no longer an issue, which was an absolute no go, she seems to have simply given up on her DD because the consequences of her parenting are too hard to deal with.

All in all I am so much happier. Still coming to terms with what happened, but feel so much lighter.

I'm really sad for SD though. She could have been a really lovely kid with the right parenting and support.

I just wanted to thank you all for the wonderful support and helping me realise how I was living

Hi OP,

That is really sad about SD. I know you know that it's not your problem or responsibility but I'm sure it's still tough. Maybe in her twentiea you will have a friendly relationship? She was so let down by her parents. It's despicable really. I'm glad you stayed broken up and are happier. You deserve a break.

Glad you’re doing okay OP. Good to hear from you. How have your DC settled with the changes? I wish you all a splendid summer.

It’s very sad to hear how things have deteriorated with SD. She’s been so completely and utterly abandoned and failed by both her parents. Shameful of them and whomever is currently giving her free reign.

Try not to get sucked into any further drama. You and your DC have been through enough.

Happier times ahead I hope.

What a sad update (for your SD that is).
Well done for staying strong and refusing to let your exDP back. I love the fact that you’re feeling lighter. Could you imagine the impact on your home if this had started to happen when they were there? Well done for removing this horrible dynamic from your home.

Thanks for coming back to update, OP.

Do you feel you made the right decision? I remember how hard it was for you to do it.

It’s very sad that things have become worse for SD but good that you have deflected all that stress and drama away from yourself and your children. I bet they are happier now?

💐