Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Step daughter ignoring me

409 replies

Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 17:50

As above really. Dp and I have been living together for 2 years, she is 14, and an only child. I have children.

Everything was fine she chose to spend most of her time here (she has her own room) and we used to chat away all the time and I really liked her, a couple of months ago she simply started blanking me. There was no apparent reason, although I know this happened with her other parents partner around the same time and they have split up because of it.

My dp tells me to just leave it and that she will come around but she has now stated that she never liked me in the first place.

Its beyond the point of rude this is my house, I pay the bills, I pay the rent, the house is in my name and the blatant disrespect is driving me insane.

I was in an abusive relationship and it feels exactly the same, walking on egg shells, not allowed to say anything, even overhearing her on the phone saying she is going to tell me "a few home truths".

Dp will not talk to her, dp is afraid of frightening her away if rules and boundaries are put into place which is obviously less than ideal.

Also around the same time she fell out with her close friendship group, I asked dp if it was all linked and dp has told me they won't talk about it, there's nothing going on and just to leave it, but I am worried there's something there, but she obviously won't talk to me about it and dp won't talk to her.

Has anyone else been through this. Anything I can do to fix it, or is it totally unfixable?

Tia Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 16/02/2021 12:12

You WERE abused by your DP - albeit subtly.

This is something I'm looking at just now. You are probably right. Because it wasn't financial, sexual or physical abuse, I didn't see it as such, and because I went through a lot worse I didn't notice that this was bad in a different way.

There's a lot for me to unpick now I'm out of the situation.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2021 12:17

It was financial abuse.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 16/02/2021 12:27

Do you think so?

It was me who wanted to keep finances separate, and we seemingly fell into a pattern rather than it being a conscious choice, on my part anyway.

I really am going to have to take a step back and take a good look at things to see where I went wrong. You're obviously seeing something I don't realise yet.

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
justilou1 · 16/02/2021 13:10

You were gently coerced into being overly generous. You, my darling, are one of life’s givers. Your DP, (and undoubtedly her daughter) can smell that for miles. She is someone who burns through resources - hers, yours, anyone who will give them. (Hence the debt, etc....) I’ll bet her ex has a lot to say on the subject. When you come up for air, I suspect you will realise that your DP was rather like a vampire - but instead of sucking blood, your energy and emotional resources (the ones you use to organize yourself and your kids into being functional, empathetic humans) begin to stockpile again, and you start to feel better about yourself - less jittery and second-guessy.

Retrospectdiva · 16/02/2021 13:24

So let me get this straight.

DSD's parents (mum and dad) have split up and her mum now lives with you and her dad was in a relationship that has now been split up, because of DSD's behaviour.

Sorry, but this is a bit of a mess. Your DSD has no home, no support, and is passed from pillar to post between parents who don't care about her.
I feel really sorry for her. I have a 15-year old and with all things being wonderful, they still have teen angst. DSD has a lot of things to deal with.

I think what your DSD needs is a counsellor and quickly. She is actually very vulnerable if she is losing the support of her parents and friends.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2021 13:42

What you haven’t got straight @Retrospectdiva is that this girl has two parents and helped chase off two step parents. While her situation is no doubt sad her behaviour is unacceptable and a direct consequence of the woeful lack of parenting and boundaries girth by her two mothers. OP has broken up with her ex, none of this is her responsibility. Even when they were together, she had two parents who the buck stopped with and OP had a snowball’s chance in hell of making much difference. Her input wasn’t welcomed by her DSD or allowed by her ex.

Given all of that it’s unclear why you’re trying to make anything OP’s fault or what exactly your point is...

justilou1 · 16/02/2021 13:57

Either RTFT @Retrospectdiva or slither off back into your cave

StarsonaString · 16/02/2021 14:09

@Retrospectdiva

So let me get this straight.

DSD's parents (mum and dad) have split up and her mum now lives with you and her dad was in a relationship that has now been split up, because of DSD's behaviour.

Sorry, but this is a bit of a mess. Your DSD has no home, no support, and is passed from pillar to post between parents who don't care about her.
I feel really sorry for her. I have a 15-year old and with all things being wonderful, they still have teen angst. DSD has a lot of things to deal with.

I think what your DSD needs is a counsellor and quickly. She is actually very vulnerable if she is losing the support of her parents and friends.

I doubt OP disagrees and also clearly feels very sorry for the girl. However it is not OPs responsibility to house and pay for her when neither of her (both female) parents can/will do so. Especially when the DSD has been rude and abusive towards her.

Even if OP wanted to help her or get her counselling, she has no power to do so.

Butterymuffin · 16/02/2021 14:16

Not only did OP try repeatedly to talk to and help the stepdaughter, to no avail, she kept being told not to get involved, that she wasn't allowed to and that her mum would deal with it - mum then failed to do so. This isn't on OP. I do agree that it's very sad for the teenager, but as well as parents who wouldn't help her, she also refused any option to accept other help. When a young person does that, what can a person on the sidelines (forced there by the biological parents) actually do?

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 16/02/2021 14:39

With all due respect Retrospectdiva I have done what I can for that poor girl within the realms of her parents boundaries.

I know she is vulnerable, I know she is even more vulnerable now, but I cannot do anything beyond what I've already done. She hates me, probably moreso now, I cant be the one to fix this.

I posted here when I was pretty much at the end of my tether, looking for experiences and guidance from those who have been through this.

I got a whole host of, completely unexpected, support, which have helped me see what was staring me in the face all along.

Those people have been kind enough to stick around and help me through the aftermath as well, and not one other person has suggested I am to blame.

Thank you for your opinion, but my hands are tied now, and things have moved on significantly in the last week.

Thank you everyone else. I feel like it maybe hasn't hit me yet or maybe it just isn't going to at this point. I genuinely feel relieved for myself and my kids, desperately sorry for sd, and, I'm sorry to say, nothing for exdp. Things might change when she gets the last of her stuff, I'm not sure, maybe it will hit me then. Maybe I genuinely will just be ok.

Emotional vampire is probably a very correct to describe her right now. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2021 14:46

OP, you don’t owe anyone on here anything, least of all respect for arsehole opinions.

You’re doing brilliantly. I’m glad your support you’ve found here, which you deserve so much, has helped you through.

How are your plans for the birthday coming along? Take it as an excuse for a big fancy family celebration.

MadeForThis · 16/02/2021 15:23

You have made the right decision for yourself and your dc.

okokok000 · 16/02/2021 15:35

Op. You stepped in to the extent that the girls parents allowed and did things that frankly any responsible parent would do. She has two parents. it isn't for you to save her because her parents can't be bothered to / are incapable of parenting or actually function as responsible adults.

Ignore the negative post. You've not done anything wrong.

ScribblingPixie · 16/02/2021 15:49

Really glad you're feeling lighter & happier, OP. It's been a tough old weekend but your resolution has been impressive to say the least!

MeridianB · 16/02/2021 18:59

@AnneLovesGilbert

OP, you don’t owe anyone on here anything, least of all respect for arsehole opinions.

You’re doing brilliantly. I’m glad your support you’ve found here, which you deserve so much, has helped you through.

How are your plans for the birthday coming along? Take it as an excuse for a big fancy family celebration.

This with bells on.
Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 16/02/2021 20:34

Thanks everyone.

Kids are in bed and I think its hitting a bit now. Maybe not missing dp, but certainly missing company. Just need to get used to my new normal. I expect I'm not alone in that through these strange times.

I have BIG plans for my dcs birthday. Doing a circus theme and bloody amazon and ebay keep recommending more stuff that I may need so its taken on a life of its own now Grin

OP posts:
TeapotCollection · 16/02/2021 20:40

Try to enjoy the peace and quiet that you deserve 💐whilst telling yourself that you’ve absolutely done the right thing not just for you but for your children

KarmaNoMore · 16/02/2021 21:20

Getting used to be alone again takes time so, if you start wondering if you did the right thing, get back to this thread, it would help you to keep focused on moving on. Flowers

NovemberR · 16/02/2021 21:24

Planning things is a marvellous way of staying sane, I find. Particularly when life feels flat or overwhelming. I'm good at lists.

A nice notebook and a pen, and when you're lonely you can make lists of all the wonderful places you'd like to go.

Plans for what you'll achieve for yourself this year - not other people.

Etc, etc

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 16/02/2021 21:43

I think I'm going to sign up for a few courses to keep me occupied at nights, not sure what I'll be doing yet but I don't want to sit wallowing in front of the TV every night.

I'll be revisiting this thread quite a lot over the next couple of weeks when I feel down to remind myself how far I've come.

My whole life has changed in a short space of time so I know I need some time to adjust to everything.

Thanks you all again Flowers

OP posts:
justilou1 · 16/02/2021 23:55

I know it probably doesn't mean much, but someone on the other side of the world is really proud of you for taking control of this situation for yourself and for your kids. I would hate for my own kids to see me subject to that kind of treatment from anyone, let alone my own partner or their child. Especially in the house I was kind enough to share with them.

ContessaDiPulpo · 17/02/2021 09:01

OP, I get it - it's normal to miss having company/some semblance of support, even when you know it was the right decision to break up. When I broke up with my cheating twat of an ex I found this poem helped me to articulate that a bit; it may help you too. It does absolutely sound like you made the right call though, to be clear!

Coat

Sometimes I have wanted
to throw you off
like a heavy coat.

Sometimes I have said
you would not let me
breathe or move.

But now that I am free
to choose light clothes
or none at all

I feel the cold
and all the time I think
how warm it used to be.

Vicki Feaver

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 17/02/2021 15:45

justilou1 that means more to me than I can ever tell you, thank you.

ContessaDiPulpo thank you for that poem. Its right, it isn't her I miss, its the familiarity and company.

Picked a bit of a crappy time in history to become single again since we are all in lockdown I suppose Grin

She showed up to get some more things today and had sd in the car. I'm not sure what she wanted to take her for but I asked her not to drag sd into things again, its not fair. There were tears and apologies and promises from her. Sd never got out the car, but it all felt so empty. I'm not even sure she believed herself. Today has 100% confirmed in my mind that I definitely did the right thing and there is absolutely no going back.

I am sad about things, but mainly I'm just relieved.

Thank you all for being here through this. Its been a crazy couple of weeks thats for sure.

Hope you guys are all coping with lockdown OK.

OP posts:
MyCatHatesEverybody · 17/02/2021 16:01

Glad you're not crumbling in your resolve OP, you seem to be doing brilliantly.

I agree it's the familiarity you're missing, not your exDP. I felt unsettled and alone when I left my abusive exH, but got through it by telling myself I might be a bit miserable now but that misery had a light at the end of it, and hope, and freedom. Whereas the misery I felt with exH could offer me nothing more than further misery.

Stay strong!

forrestgreen · 17/02/2021 17:43

You will get the begging from ex as tbh she had it good. If you'd only stopped with the nagging it would have been perfect 😂
As soon as you can block you'll be freer