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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step daughter ignoring me

409 replies

Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 17:50

As above really. Dp and I have been living together for 2 years, she is 14, and an only child. I have children.

Everything was fine she chose to spend most of her time here (she has her own room) and we used to chat away all the time and I really liked her, a couple of months ago she simply started blanking me. There was no apparent reason, although I know this happened with her other parents partner around the same time and they have split up because of it.

My dp tells me to just leave it and that she will come around but she has now stated that she never liked me in the first place.

Its beyond the point of rude this is my house, I pay the bills, I pay the rent, the house is in my name and the blatant disrespect is driving me insane.

I was in an abusive relationship and it feels exactly the same, walking on egg shells, not allowed to say anything, even overhearing her on the phone saying she is going to tell me "a few home truths".

Dp will not talk to her, dp is afraid of frightening her away if rules and boundaries are put into place which is obviously less than ideal.

Also around the same time she fell out with her close friendship group, I asked dp if it was all linked and dp has told me they won't talk about it, there's nothing going on and just to leave it, but I am worried there's something there, but she obviously won't talk to me about it and dp won't talk to her.

Has anyone else been through this. Anything I can do to fix it, or is it totally unfixable?

Tia Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 15/02/2021 12:26

The Christmas thing was that I go a bit mental with decorations and she thinks its to excessive and hates me for it, but I've always done it.

We have compromised on other traditions but I love kitting the house out for Christmas and wasn't aware that she hated it until now anyway.

She is really messed up, moreso than I realised. I didn't get a chance to talk to her, and I won't be trying at all after the things that were said, I'm not the person to help.

I think her Mum is right, she is going to learn the hard way unfortunately, and I feel so sorry for her, and its frustrating to know what will happen, but its not my battle.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 15/02/2021 12:34

Well done, @Stepparentwoes

You are definitely through the worst and there are many brighter days ahead. You have turned this round so swiftly and sensibly. I hope you and your children have fun together this week and reset your family home as a happy place.

TootDeLaFroot · 15/02/2021 12:35

Sounds horrible, but well done.

I would change your locks if I were you though.

billybagpuss · 15/02/2021 12:39

The Christmas thing was that I go a bit mental with decorations and she thinks its to excessive and hates me for it, but I've always done it

This doesn’t even make sense, I’ve never come across any kid that would say they don’t like too many decorations.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 15/02/2021 12:50

I'm already on it with the lock change.

I don't think she had very child centred Christmases before I came along by the sound of it, and apparently its ruined her last few Christmases that I've done this. I think she was probably just clutching at straws and naming everything I've done differently and throwing it out there as proof of me being a monster.

I cant thank you all enough for being here and supporting me through this.

You've made me see a lot and get out of a toxic situation a lot faster than I would have.

I'll probably wallow for a day or 2 then dust myself off and get ready for my dcs birthday, which I'm really looking forward to Smile

OP posts:
Sunbird24 · 15/02/2021 13:05

Flowers for you OP, you’ve had a tough weekend but now you can move forward. Positive new name probably required too!

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 15/02/2021 13:12

I've been around MN for a while.

I NC for this thread as its pretty specific and if my ex or her ex found this they would definitely know it was me so I just didn't want it linked to anything else. It would be bad enough if either of them found this thread.

Definitely looking forward to the moving forward part.

I haven't heard from exdp today which I was surprised at. She starts work soon though so I may hear from her then. I just need to make sure I stick to organising arrangements for their things and not get into anything personal.

OP posts:
lightyearsahead · 15/02/2021 13:20

I am a step parent. You have every right to talk to her she lives (partially) in your house. You can say to her while she is in your house she behaves respectfully to everyone including you.

You don't have to be rude or shout but say it how it is.
If she or he doesn't like it they can take a hike.

Children need boundaries and she is desperate for them.
You wouldn't take it from your children she needs to be have the same way.

Plus you need to up the contribution he is giving you. I can't believe this covers everything. £400/500 min.

My SC are grow up we have had some tough times but we got through it as a family. I love them they love me.

My house, my rules - no negotiation!

ScribblingPixie · 15/02/2021 13:20

Wow, that all sounds terrible and thank goodness they've gone. This girl needs therapy so badly. It's very, very sad that she didn't understand the benefit in having such a lovely SM but I'm so pleased for you and your children. Ugh though, what horrible drama over the weekend.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 15/02/2021 13:30

I'm sure she will look back and see things through an adults eyes and have some regrets one day. Right now she is probably feeling elated that me and exdp have split, although the realities will kick in soon I imagine.

I almost wish I had the unconditional love for her that I have for my kids. I could have kept her and sorted her right out. I truly believe that under the facade there's a good kid who's just a victim of her upbringing.

I don't feel angry or annoyed at her, just really, really sad for her.

It was a very dramatic weekend, I honestly felt like I was in a soap opera. I'm used to a peaceful life these days so it was a bit of a shock. All done now though after the awkward bit of getting their stuff. SD won't be around for that though thankfully.

OP posts:
lightyearsahead · 15/02/2021 13:30

Apologies, I didn't get to the end before posting, you did the right thing. Focus on your DC.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 15/02/2021 13:32

Thanks light it has turned into a pretty long thread, you should have probably grabbed a cuppa and a sandwich to prepare yourself Grin

OP posts:
Branleuse · 15/02/2021 13:53

Well done OP. You are really brave and strong. Well done for putting boundaries and sticking to them even when it was hurting

Berthatydfil · 15/02/2021 13:54

You have every right to decorate your house for Xmas how you wish. If that’s not her preference or her prior experiences well different people have different tastes and when she has her own home she can decorate it to her own taste.

MeridianB · 15/02/2021 15:17

@Stepparentwoes

Thanks light it has turned into a pretty long thread, you should have probably grabbed a cuppa and a sandwich to prepare yourself Grin
The world’s nicest ever ‘RTFT!’ In the history of MN! 😄
billybagpuss · 15/02/2021 15:56

I think when the reality of all this hits home she’ll look back on these Christmas’s with affection.

tsmainsqueeze · 15/02/2021 16:37

Glad you have things sorted and can now concentrate on you and your kids .
I have been in your shoes with a step daughter , now independent so no longer any impact on my domestic situation .
I'm sure it works for many blended families , but when it doesn't its a bloody misery .

MyCatHatesEverybody · 15/02/2021 17:09

I'm so pleased to read that you followed through in getting them to leave.

The rewriting of history like hating Christmases etc is a bit like what happens with the Cheater's Script - different situations of course but the same motivation i.e. to justify their own behaviour and turn you into the bad guy who "deserved" to be treated the way you were.

Abusive relationships such as this one hide in plain sight under the guise of "won't somebody think of the children" and I totally get why you feel sad but ultimately, you can't care more for your ex DSD more than her actual parents when you don't have the power to implement anything.

I hope everything settles soon and you can enjoy your new found peace Flowers

forrestgreen · 15/02/2021 19:42

When's it's your dc birthday, decorate the house and enjoy it!

I'm sorry it was awful, but tbh she's a nightmare over normal things so she was always going to kick off. And it is a massive thing for a teenager.

Relax, knowing you tried and cared.

Blacktothepink · 15/02/2021 19:58

Great news 👏👏

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 15/02/2021 20:24

As expected exdp is messaging and saying she will change etc.

I think I'll block her once their stuff has gone.

Looking back at what I learned when I did the freedom programme, I have been in another abusive situation, I just didn't realise because it was with sd and not my ex. I've been so aware, and so on guard, and its happened and I didn't even realise so I may have a refresh, not that I'm planning on ever being in a relationship again.

I cant thank you all enough for your support. Its been a very tough week all in all, and I have nobody to talk to irl so you guys have been a god send to me. You're all amazing Flowers

OP posts:
Newgirls · 15/02/2021 20:28

Plenty of fish in the sea op and you can choose a partner that fits with YOU x

Sunbird24 · 15/02/2021 20:41

People always say they’ll change but how many actually do? Even if she did I bet her daughter wouldn’t, and you’d be on constant eggshells waiting for XDP to revert. You deserve a bit of peace and calm, not that.

billybagpuss · 15/02/2021 21:14

I’m guessing the reality is starting to sink in and wherever they are isn’t as comfortable as with you.

Princessbanana · 15/02/2021 21:15

Onward and upward!💐