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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step daughter ignoring me

409 replies

Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 17:50

As above really. Dp and I have been living together for 2 years, she is 14, and an only child. I have children.

Everything was fine she chose to spend most of her time here (she has her own room) and we used to chat away all the time and I really liked her, a couple of months ago she simply started blanking me. There was no apparent reason, although I know this happened with her other parents partner around the same time and they have split up because of it.

My dp tells me to just leave it and that she will come around but she has now stated that she never liked me in the first place.

Its beyond the point of rude this is my house, I pay the bills, I pay the rent, the house is in my name and the blatant disrespect is driving me insane.

I was in an abusive relationship and it feels exactly the same, walking on egg shells, not allowed to say anything, even overhearing her on the phone saying she is going to tell me "a few home truths".

Dp will not talk to her, dp is afraid of frightening her away if rules and boundaries are put into place which is obviously less than ideal.

Also around the same time she fell out with her close friendship group, I asked dp if it was all linked and dp has told me they won't talk about it, there's nothing going on and just to leave it, but I am worried there's something there, but she obviously won't talk to me about it and dp won't talk to her.

Has anyone else been through this. Anything I can do to fix it, or is it totally unfixable?

Tia Flowers

OP posts:
CisMyArse · 15/02/2021 21:15

OP you sound lovely, truly lovely and it's clear that you tried your hardest to love them and care for them and be respectful of them.

It wasn't reciprocated.

You deserve better.

Thanks
Viviennemary · 15/02/2021 21:20

No she should not be getting away with such rude anti social behaviour. Tell them to either be civil or get out.

Sunbird24 · 15/02/2021 21:22

@Viviennemary

No she should not be getting away with such rude anti social behaviour. Tell them to either be civil or get out.
@Viviennemary she did...
Viviennemary · 15/02/2021 21:29

Good. Sorry didn't realise it was sorted.

chilling19 · 15/02/2021 21:32

Don't be sucked back in. Nothing will change. Also, there is nothing to stop you seeing her on a dating level if that is what you want? Don't think that is what she would want though - she wants the roof over her head and someone to put up with her lousy parenting, incredibly rude daughter and her freeloading I suspect.

forrestgreen · 15/02/2021 21:45

I think I'd ignore any texts that don't involve sorting their stuff.

DustyVenetian · 15/02/2021 22:16

Well done for working out what was wrong, making the decision and following it through.

You sound lovely, emotionally intelligent, strong and generally awesome. Your kids are very lucky today to have you.

I did the freedom programme too and am yet to make a new relationship as I'm convinced there an a abuser behind every kind caring gentleman I meet.

I was and am less worried about this for dating women but perhaps I should be after reading this.

Please let us know how you get along Op.
take care.

Isthisit22 · 15/02/2021 22:41

Well done op. That sounded really tough but you did what had to be done. Your ex will be desperate to come back as you were her meal ticket and her daughter's punchbag but you will be much happier without them. Koko

FantasticButtocks · 15/02/2021 22:49

@Stepparentwoes

Stupidly I respect dps boundaries as a parent and don't want to cross the line into doing something she actively told me not to (speaking to sd).

It's not stupid at all, it's lovely and respectful. However, I'm just going to reframe that thought. Along the lines of...

We (beginning with the adults) need to establish some healthy and respectful practices in this household. One of those is if we are all living together I need to be free to have my own relationship with sd.

I cannot be micromanaged in this, and told if and when I can or should speak to her. For me to have a decent relationship with anyone, I need to be able to use my own judgment to make my own choices on how I play my part in that relationship, whoever it is with. I cannot have that dictated by you, even if it concerns your daughter.

If you prevent that, by trying to insist I go against my instincts, it suggests you don't trust me to have sd's best interests at heart, to manage my own relationship with her, or have anything positive to contribute to her upbringing. If that's the case, our relationship isn't on an equal footing and can't work living in the same house.

Or something like that. I haven't fully caught up yet, so sorry if I'm too late with my suggestion or it's not helpful.

FantasticButtocks · 15/02/2021 23:07

Sorry yes, I see I was far too late with the above.
Sounds like you've handled this as well as possible under the circumstances. Sorry it's been so awful.
ThanksWine

NovemberR · 16/02/2021 00:28

Stay strong, OP. People don't change. And she had plenty of chances to change if she had genuinely wanted to. This is pure manipulation.

Your dp spent her last day or so with you ignoring you and being on her phone. She gave monosyllabic answers and made it clear she was being arsey with you. The only reason she is now weeping and promising to change is so that you will relent and let them both move back in.

Sadly, it is nothing to do with wanting to change and to sort out both her relationship with you and with her DD. It is about not wanting to have to be an adult and sort out where she and SD will live, how to pay the bills, etc. It is easier to let you do that.

KatherineJaneway · 16/02/2021 07:01

As expected exdp is messaging and saying she will change etc.

Yes, texting now she realises you meant business and she's living in a far less than ideal situation. She won't change, we all know this.

I do feel sorry for sd, when she finally gets out into the world she's in for a very rude awakening.

billybagpuss · 16/02/2021 08:50

as expected exdp is messaging and saying she will change etc

I keep coming back to this, the fundamental issue was she is too scared to parent her daughter, how is that going to change? She needs to start with therapy for both of them.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 16/02/2021 09:12

Thanks again everyone Flowers

Shes coming over this morning to pick up some things.

I asked her to stop texting me because I'm not going to change my mind, and she respected that.

Dreading seeing her today but the sooner it happens the sooner it will all be over.

I was contemplating send sd a text, but I don't think I want to get drawn in, I don't want her to feel abandoned by me, but she's not a problem I can fix. Its an impossible situation with sd.

On the plus side my load of odd socks arrived this morning. Absolute game changer for my life. I'm really excited about my new found sock rebellion Grin

OP posts:
CisMyArse · 16/02/2021 09:27

As a fellow odd-sock wearer, stay strong and resolute today.

You don't need to justify anything. You've already laid out how you feel. Hope you're ok today Thanks

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 16/02/2021 09:42

I'm not as sad as I thought I would be actually.

More relieved than anything else. I do think it has been on the cards for a while without me noticing.

No matter what she says I'm not taking her back, it would probably be great for a month then slip back into how it was and I would have to do all of this again. Now I'm mainly out the other side I have no wish to go back there again.

My home feels lighter and happier already.

OP posts:
SeasonFinale · 16/02/2021 09:44

You need to be prepared for tears etc when exDP turns up to collect the stuff too, but stay strong. I am sure there are more eloquent people on here who could suggest phraseology to use if this happens.

I too believe that whatever sofa they have ended up on for the time being the owner of that sofa has made it very clear how short term their welcome is.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 16/02/2021 09:48

I fully expect tears, apologies etc when she appears soon.

Shes on, what was, a mutual friends sofa at the minute and I'm being painted as the bad guy throwing them out onto the street. I'm not going to get into a war with anyone, and if this is what she needs to do, then that's fine. Her need for people and help is far greater than mine just now.

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 16/02/2021 10:02

@FantasticButtocks

That is such a good post, I’m going to save it to remind myself the relationship I can have with the SC is independent not a an appendix to the one I have with their dad.

FantasticButtocks · 16/02/2021 10:08

[quote KarmaNoMore]@FantasticButtocks

That is such a good post, I’m going to save it to remind myself the relationship I can have with the SC is independent not a an appendix to the one I have with their dad.[/quote]
Glad if it's helpful to you Smile

EvilPea · 16/02/2021 10:27

“And and and and she loves Christmas”

You absolute fucking monster op. Grin

Well done. I hope the next few days are easy on you Flowers

forrestgreen · 16/02/2021 11:11

How're your kids doing?

KarenKarensen · 16/02/2021 11:17

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

justilou1 · 16/02/2021 12:09

I think you need to reframe this... You WERE abused by your DP - albeit subtly. She used your love for her DD as a tool to manipulate you. I think if it weren't for her DD, you probably wouldn't have tolerated her financial dysfunction for as long as you did. She used you to be her adult. You certainly weren't a partner. You were not allowed to make adult decisions when it came to setting limits for a child you were housing, feeding and funding. I don't think that's remotely fair. Your partner was earning a good living and not contributing significantly either. I don't think this was good enough either.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 16/02/2021 12:09

Oh, what did I miss from Karen there?

She has been and gone, will be back tomorrow morning to pick up some more things.

I was pretty cold with her. I just found it easier that way. I was civil and helpful, but didn't get involved in anything emotional. I was tempted to ask about sd, but I didn't in case she saw that as an 'in'.

My kids are surprisingly ok, they heard sd the other day, so I framed it to them as not accepting abusive behaviour and knowing your boundaries, and that you don't have to accept being treated like that by someone who is supposed to love you (tried to turn it into a lesson for them).

I'm sure they will be up and down over the next few days, but I feel a lot lighter, the house seems a lot happier, and, ultimately they will be fine.

I will not be getting into another relationship while they are still kids, and I will absolutely not have another child live here again, I am just not cut out for step parenting. Sadly I learned that the hard way, and I don't want to take the chance of them being hurt again.

OP posts: