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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Step daughter ignoring me

409 replies

Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 17:50

As above really. Dp and I have been living together for 2 years, she is 14, and an only child. I have children.

Everything was fine she chose to spend most of her time here (she has her own room) and we used to chat away all the time and I really liked her, a couple of months ago she simply started blanking me. There was no apparent reason, although I know this happened with her other parents partner around the same time and they have split up because of it.

My dp tells me to just leave it and that she will come around but she has now stated that she never liked me in the first place.

Its beyond the point of rude this is my house, I pay the bills, I pay the rent, the house is in my name and the blatant disrespect is driving me insane.

I was in an abusive relationship and it feels exactly the same, walking on egg shells, not allowed to say anything, even overhearing her on the phone saying she is going to tell me "a few home truths".

Dp will not talk to her, dp is afraid of frightening her away if rules and boundaries are put into place which is obviously less than ideal.

Also around the same time she fell out with her close friendship group, I asked dp if it was all linked and dp has told me they won't talk about it, there's nothing going on and just to leave it, but I am worried there's something there, but she obviously won't talk to me about it and dp won't talk to her.

Has anyone else been through this. Anything I can do to fix it, or is it totally unfixable?

Tia Flowers

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2021 17:55

I would be sending both of them packing. This dysfunctional atmosphere is going to negatively impact your children, and that is completely unacceptable. Your partner is an ineffectual parent who refuses to deal with his own child, leaving you to be her emotional punching bag. Nope. That wouldn't work for me, and it shouldn't be tolerated by you. Get rid of both of them and get your happy home back.

MellowBird85 · 08/02/2021 18:00

Oh bollocks to that. You need to make it crystal clear that this shitty behaviour won’t fly in your home. Is your DP even contributing towards the rent / bills? Agree with above poster, his parenting skills are pathetic and he’s totally disrespecting you by letting her get away with it. I’d be telling him he edit her grows a pair and sort her out or the doors that way. You can’t live like this, your home should be your sanctuary. It’s a puss take.

Witchymclovely · 08/02/2021 18:00

He’s not helping much is he. Boundaries need to be put in place. All good parents do this, biological, step. If it’s your home it’s your rules my lovely. She can’t be rude to you in your home, that’s not on.

MellowBird85 · 08/02/2021 18:00

Either not edit her Confused

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 18:06

Thats what I'm thinking Aquamarine1029 MellowBird85 and Witchymclovely hard it is, I cant live like this much longer.

Dp and I keep finances totally separate, I didn't want dps name on my house (learned that lesson the hard way) so I just get money towards shopping. They are also in a lot of debt so will really struggle with somewhere to live.

I am worried about SD though, she has totally shut down, and neither of her parents actually parent her. All they do is buy things for her. She is definitely going through something, its not my responsibility though, and its unfair to take it out on me.

My dp expects more maturity from my 7yo than from their 14yo. If my 7yo is sad then dp is full of advice of sitting and talking and doing this and that (which I do, I'm a very hands on, and talking parent), then SD comes along and its a whole different set of rules for her because "trust me, she's not like that and she will just kick off, we will just ignore it and it will go away".

OP posts:
LatentPhase · 08/02/2021 18:10

What @Aquamarine1029 said. This is a pisstake. Your OH’s parenting is lamentable and his relationship with his dd is superficial at best.

If he won’t grow a pair, you simply must - do not let your kids witness you being treated this way one moment longer.

SandyY2K · 08/02/2021 18:11

Yep. End the relationship with him, as he can't parent her and he's living off you. Then you won't need to see her.

this is my house, I pay the bills, I pay the rent,

What's the use of him? What does he bring to the relationship?

You pay the bills and provide a room for his DD.

Newgirls · 08/02/2021 18:11

The problem isn’t the sd - she’s a kid in all this. She’s clearly unhappy - pos with covid, school closed, cooped up with you two who knows. When you say things like ‘i pay the bills I should get respect’ - that’s an issue with your partner not the kid isn’t it?

The problem is your partner and the set up here. Not the teen.

Mochatatts · 08/02/2021 18:14

Sounds like a terrible position to be in. Though the fact the house is yours and you manage your own money means it would be easier to separate as you're not reliant on him.
Could you possibly call her out on her attitude and behaviour if her father won't? She's 14 so must have some idea of what she's doing. If my 13 year old is in a shitty mood I ask him about it. I try to talk to my kids about feelings and behaviour and its impact on others, their father ignores all issues and they regularly complain he doesn't talk to them. If she won't talk to you or her father the issues can't be resolved which doesn't help anyone. Other than that I'd be showing her the door.

LatentPhase · 08/02/2021 18:20

More power to your elbow for not allowing his name on your deeds/rental contract. Show your DP the (your) door. If he complains about having nowhere to go then well he should have thought of that before treating you like a piece of dirt in your own home! Bye bye to that.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2021 18:20

They are also in a lot of debt so will really struggle with somewhere to live.

This. Is. Not. Your. Problem.

Your responsibility is to provide your children with a happy, stable home, and to take care of yourself so you can be a happy, stable mum. This can't happen under these circumstances. Do not put this man before your children.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 18:23

What's the use of him? What does he bring to the relationship?

This is a good point. I have spent so long being independent, and refuse to rely on anyone that I haven't considered that I'm getting the piss taken out of me.

The problem is your partner and the set up here. Not the teen.

Dp is obviously a huge problem here, but at 14 I don't think its too much to ask that I'm acknowledged, even if she doesn't like me. It really isn't her fault that she hasn't been taught respect or manners, and I am mindful that she has been brought up very differently to my kids and had her every want catered to immediately, but at 14 surely basic human decency should be a thing? I have genuinely been nothing but good to her since I met her.

Do not put this man before your children.

She gets on with the kids, if she didn't there would be no hesitation, its just me she has an issue with, after 2 years.

You're right though, this isn't my problem, and I kept my independence for a reason, thankfully I did.

OP posts:
MellowBird85 · 08/02/2021 19:26

He’s a cocklodger. Why isn’t he contributing to the bills / rent? I don’t agree that the SD is totally innocent in this, she’s 14 not 4 - they’re both as bad as each other.

nimbuscloud · 08/02/2021 19:29

Do you really think your children want this going on in their home? They have had to accept your dp moving in and then this issue with his daughter.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 19:34

Dp doesn't contribute to rent as its my house and I don't wish to have any potential for a claim or anything. We have fallen into a situation where I have just kept on what I was doing before they moved in, and dp pays for extras I suppose and gets shopping in sometimes.

How on earth do I kick them out when they have literally no money?

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 08/02/2021 19:36

That is not your problem.

nimbuscloud · 08/02/2021 19:38

His daughter can go to her mother.

negomi90 · 08/02/2021 19:38

It sounds like there is a lot going on for her. Before throwing the book at her and calling out her behaviour, I'd get your DP to parent her. Find out what's going on, is there an issue at school? What's she doing in her room? Is someone hurting/bullying her, does she need counselling/support etc.
Has something happened to her/is happening to her, if her behaviour has suddenly changed to both you and her mum's partner?
If your DP doesn't investigate this, and stays hands off, then how can you respect him as a partner if he won't parent his kid and ensure she's safe from harm?
But before thinking this is bad behaviour (it may be), her parents need to investigate really hard to make sure there isn't more to it. The lack of parenting would bother me far more than a moody teen.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 19:38

My dc like dp, we have been together for 5 years overall, after 2 years we got the kids involved, then a year after that, and making sure everyone was in agreement dp and sd moved in. I cant understand what has happened now. It definitely needs to stop though.

Regardless of them staying or moving out something is wrong with sd, and its making me sad that nobody is even attempting to help, and that she will likely act up and get her own way, as usual but nothing will change for her. Need to remember it's not my problem.

OP posts:
Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 19:42

The lack of parenting would bother me far more than a moody teen.

It does bother me. Dp simply refuses to rock the boat. I could probably handle it if I felt dp was doing something about it. Sds other parent is very hands off as well and are blaming sd for the recent break up, and, in all fairness, has said they never wanted dc so only bother as far as buying stuff for sd and posting online for likes. There is no contact, sometimes for weeks when sd is at my house, which is clearly a massive problem that I cant fix as well.

OP posts:
Spandang · 08/02/2021 19:50

How on earth do I kick them out when they have literally no money?

How is he buying her things?

But as an aside. He cannot simply expect to live in your house and allow you to be treated like this. I would seriously be reminding him that it’s my house, I pay the bills, we will have rules and we will have respect and it will work both ways otherwise he’s more than welcome to live somewhere else and stay over on weekends.

You wouldn’t take your kids to your parents house and then expect them not to have their own rules. Why do you allow it in your own home?

And you’re absolutely right it does feel like abuse because it is on some level. She is being mean, she is gaslighting, she is manipulating. And what happens in an abusive situation when you just ignore it? It gets worse. Every. Single. Day.

Stop it now. It will be hideous for your own kids to experience and they will either be acutely aware of the divide between them and her, that they are treated differently, or they will copy her behaviour.

Blacktothepink · 08/02/2021 19:55

Christ, get rid of the pair of them. This is not good for your own dcs.

Lorw · 08/02/2021 19:56

I would give him an ultimatum tbh. Either parent his daughter and sort the situation out or the relationship ends and he leaves. Simple as that. It’s not good for anyone to go on like that. Good luck OP.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/02/2021 19:58

How on earth do I kick them out when they have literally no money?

I'm sorry op, but this is a prime example of you putting this man before the best interests of your own children. Don't you see that? The daughter goes back to her mother, and where he goes is his responsibility. This is not your problem. Are you saying you'll allow him to cocklodge forever because he's shit with money? Get rid and wipe your hands of this mess.

Original poster
Stepparentwoes · 08/02/2021 19:58

How is he buying her things?

Dp is in a massive amount of debt, they have a job, it doesn't earn enough to provide a house and all associated bills though, but there's enough there to buy some shopping and spend probably £150-£200 a month on SD though.

And what happens in an abusive situation when you just ignore it? It gets worse. Every. Single. Day.

This is so true. I've been so aware of not getting into an abusive situation with dp, I've got into one with SD.

God this is going to be awful.

I need to get my head around this and we will need to talk tomorrow I guess.

I do feel for SD, I know it sounds like I dislike her, I don't, she hasn't been parented properly unfortunately and it has made her very spoiled and selfish, unfortunately this is just going to play right into her thinking.

OP posts: