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Original poster

DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

524 replies

tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 10:20

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 13/02/2021 19:09

@DinoHat Yes that's a massive concern. DP allowed DSS to play the Xbox for nearly 7 hours straight today. I would never allow that in my house!

OP posts:
Blacktothepink · 13/02/2021 19:16

Don’t move in with him!

RandomMess · 13/02/2021 19:24

You just need to stick with the truth "our parenting styles just aren't compatible to live together"

NewSong · 13/02/2021 19:35

I feel for you OP, I commented further up the thread. Can you imagine DSS behaving that way in the house you all share and you are not allowed to correct him or have anywhere to escape to like you said?
Your DP seems to just let him do what he wants, is it a guilt thing?
Why is your DP so desperate for you all to become a "family "? Does his son's mother have a live in partner?
It sounds like you know what you want to do, you seem stressed by it all, no wonder! Flowers

KatySun · 13/02/2021 20:03

Letting your child play XBox for seven hours is not parenting, it is absolving responsibility.

The thing about ‘being a family’ - it is emotional family, like being a family is some holy grail you can only reach with him, never mind that you and your DC are already a family.

KatySun · 13/02/2021 20:04

*emotional manipulation, I mean, not emotional family, sorry!

Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 13/02/2021 20:11

@NewSong I'm not sure it's a guilt thing, they split up when DSS was 1 and had only been together 1.5 years prior to that. I could be wrong though.

DSS mum has a partner who moves in and out of her house every few months. Currently he's not living there but DSS says he stays over 2 or 3 times a week. He seems to like him.

I'm feeling stressed. I knew moving in together would come up eventually but now that's it here and I've been put on the spot the thought of losing mine and my DC's little house of calm is terrifying!

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/02/2021 20:14

So he's just a lazy Dad wanting the easy life?

Just tell him you're not ready, that you and your DC have been through so much that you need your calm space and routine.

Happynow001 · 13/02/2021 20:46

I'm feeling stressed. I knew moving in together would come up eventually but now that's it here and I've been put on the spot the thought of losing mine and my DC's little house of calm is terrifying!

forrestgreen · 13/02/2021 20:47

He can just be crap at parenting. But if he can't see the issue when one child is allowed to game all day and the other isn't. Then that's the issue!

Happynow001 · 13/02/2021 20:50

I'm feeling stressed. I knew moving in together would come up eventually but now that's it here and I've been put on the spot the thought of losing mine and my DC's little house of calm is terrifying!

It will be hard @tiredandaccidentprone but I think you know you need to take a couple of very deep breaths, rip the plaster off and be clear with him? Please don't try and minimise your feelings when you speak with your partner. Good luck! 🌹

BlueThistles · 13/02/2021 22:27

Call this off.. you cannot for your own sanity go ahead with this.. Plus.. this guy doesn't have the money .. he's using you OP Flowers

Muskox · 14/02/2021 07:40

Have you asked him how it would work, if you were living in the same house and DSS was allowed unlimited xbox time while DS wasn't? Does he really think that wouldn't cause any problems at all?!

Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 14/02/2021 10:14

@Muskox No I haven't asked him that as we had the conversation before yesterday which is when DSS was on the computer.

I just popped over to pick up something I had left there yesterday. And what is DSS doing? He's on the Xbox again!

OP posts:
PurpleHoodie · 14/02/2021 11:10

All the best Flowers

pictish · 14/02/2021 11:36

Your dp can let his lad play Xbox all he wants...and that’s why blended families are a recipe for resentment and disaster. He says yes, you say no...it’s not fair and none of them asked to be living with each other in the first place...it’s all for mum and dad.
There will be some that work out but in my experience, they’re a general shitfest, each parent for their own.
Why do it?

Muskox · 14/02/2021 12:23

I hope you're ok, OP. This must be sad for you to realise Sad

Whythesadface · 14/02/2021 12:31

I think your just seeing what was always there.
Sperate houses for now.
Don't let him decide sharing rooms is ok once you move.

Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 14/02/2021 12:45

Yes feeling pretty crappy really.

DP is coming over later once DSS has gone home so I'm going to have to talk to him again. Money aside, I'm going to have to ask him how it would work with us parenting so differently. He's always saying I'm too strict with mine. I've never said he's too relaxed with his (not my business).

I can see an argument happening. Anyway, going to make some cookies with DS now Smile

OP posts:
TheLaughingGenome · 14/02/2021 12:45

I suspect your DSS's behaviour is going to become even more problematic the more he is asked by his DF to get his head round moving & blending, and all that entails for him.

The Xbox thing is a red herring, really.

RandomMess · 14/02/2021 12:52

Honestly you don't need to say anything and have a row.

You keep saving and keep stating that you and ALL the DC are happy with the way things are so we break it.

cordelia16 · 14/02/2021 13:18

@nimbuscloud

Just give your kids a stable home. On their own, no newcomers. Don't make them share their whole life, you will regret it when they're teens. They deserve to be put first by one parent at least.

This. A million times over.

absolutely agree with this

your children will only be young once. buying a house for you and them should be your only priority.

BIWI · 14/02/2021 13:28

You don't need to ask him, @tiredandaccidentprone! You point out to him how different your parenting styles are, and tell him that a) you aren't going to change how you parent your DC and b) his is so different from yours that this a significant reason as to why blending your families just won't work.

Whythesadface · 14/02/2021 13:53

OP , To be honest I don't think you do need to have it out with him.
Unless he talks about moving in, just have a nice Valentines with him.
IF he asks just say you don't think at this important age any of the children are ready to be forced to live in close quarters and that they may feel unhappy at having to see both of you parenting in different ways.
That his son needs him to be there for him , and you couldn't work with his lack of a plan for childcare, and you know his son would resent his dad not being able to see him at a moments notice.

BlueThistles · 14/02/2021 13:59

Why are you so determined to let this man make you explain your decisions .. your finances... your parenting... why do you let him have this superior role in your relationship... you sound like you are always on the back foot.. explaining what you will do with your inheritance ... what kind of property you want to buy... from the outside looking in.. it looks pretty manipulating OP... in his mind this inheritance is already spent on providing a beautiful 4 bedroom home for him and his Son...

I honestly do hope you are thinking of your own children and above all yourself and your happiness OP... please don't forget that wonderful feeling of closing the door on him and DSS and running your bath 🌺

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