DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

[tiredandaccidentprone]

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

@RandomMess That's exactly the impression I got from him - it felt like he was saying him and his DS will be ok and that's all that matters!

I know for a fact he won't change the way he parents. DSS gets bought an endless stream of toys, my DC only get gifts at Xmas/birthdays or if they've done really well at school etc. I imagine my youngest would end up getting thoroughly cheesed off about it (they're in to the same things)!

Any one of the things you said in your last post would be enough of a reason to postpone moving in together.

Different parenting styles?- disaster
Him making you feel crap - disaster
Money - looks like a disaster to all of us
Different work schedules (yours being more reliable so you'll get stuck with most the housework, childcare and bills) - disaster

I'm not sure how he's "selling" this to you as an idea. I can see lots of benefits for him and none for you.

I really think that it would be better for you if you told him that having considered it further you're not sure combining families and finances from such unequal positions is a good idea and that you'd rather wait until he could feel more like an equal (satisfy his ego).

Then buy you and your children a house. He really doesn't sound like a keeper

@User0ne The ad hoc contact schedule isn't due to his work - he just decides he prefers to see his DS when either him or his son want to.

Just thought I'd clarify - it was only after our conversation last night that it appears he's not planning on changing the contact routine, way he patents etc. I thought we may be able to have some kind of compromise. But apparently not.

Atghhhh. Aeschylus pist just makes it clearer that this would be a really bad move. Really bad.

Read all
Your own posts from the start & imagine someone else had written them.

From the outside it's so clear that this would be BAD for you & for your kids.

A slightly trivial point in light of the bigger ones, but you'd also be giving up your child free time & ever having the house go yourself.

You would be SO much better off buying a mice little place for you and your DC - enjoy making it how you want it. Your DS having his own room that he can use:decorate his he wants. You can have your own bedroom.

Has he clarified precisely why “not being a proper family” is a problem? It sounds like he’s already got what he wants, he lets his son have whatever he wants (is his mum happy never knowing when her son will be at home with her?!) and you and your two are fine though lacking in space. What does he think he’ll gain from this blending?

He wants to buy a house. That’s clear. He’d like your contribution so he can buy a bigger place. But apart from that why so keen on the “making a family” thing?

Is he hinting he’ll break up with you if you don’t agree to move in together?

If you did what many are suggesting and buy on your own, carry on dating but not living together, he stays renting, that you have no future?

Suggest a 'family' meeting to discuss how living together might work. House rules. Bill sharing /chores for everyone... I bet my last quid his ds won't be allowed to be on the chores rota....

Sorry, just to add. You won’t ever be one blended family. That’s clear as day. You won’t be allowed to parent his son, there won’t be any compromise, he’s likely to intentionally or unintentionally undermine how you parent your children. You’ll be two parents each bringing up your children in completely different ways.

Please see a lawyer before you buy a house together. I'm worried about you already putting more down. If you're happy with a three bed, he should be putting down half and paying half of the bills. How will you work out bills if you don't know when his son will be there. How will you know how much food to buy.
If he wants a four bed, you need to make it clear he'll be finding that extra for a family house.
Have a look back through the threads, so many about a golden child who's bought everything. How will yours feel?

Agree with @AnneLovesGilbert I can almost guarantee if you live together your DC will be held to a very high standard and when his DS comes to visit he will be treated like a prince and allowed to do anything he wants.

The whole thing has disaster written all over it.

It really does sounds like he is just wanting you to spend your inheritance on him. That is your money not his. Put money aside for your own future and your own DC. Or as other poster suggested buy a 3 bedroom house for you and tell him he can stay occasionally. He sounds like a user. He is being unreasonable and he knows it. Don't put.up with.it. if he whined again agree with him and say only you can make us living together a reality. I would seriously.not want to.move on with a user.

This has disaster written all over it.
He openly states he won’t change his parenting so he will not be willing to consider any kind of uniform rules for all the children of the “family” unless you relax all your rules and expectations on your children.

He’s a typical Disney dad crossed with a cocklodger - he’s making it clear he won’t consider changing his parenting but expecting you to finance a larger house than you can realistically afford.
He’s not willing to compromise but is quite happy to make you feel crap about yourself.
Imagine living like this every day ?
Read the step parenting board there are lots of posts from women who regret blending families with men have children and in some cases those relationships don’t survive.

You can't possibly live together. Your approaches to parenting are just not compatible. And neither is necessarily right or wrong. The the fact he expects all compromise to come from you (and your kids), as well as you paying extra for that privilege, that's just quite shocking.

He's got a weird idea of how a family works. Wonder if his ex would agree.

If he wants to be a 'proper family' he needs to compromise. He sounds awful.

Please do not buy a house with this man OP ... for your kids sakes alone 🌺

@AnneLovesGilbert DSS' Mum doesn't mind the ad hoc contact agreement - 1) she doesn't work and 2) it means DP has DSS every couple of days.

After reading this thread OP I can only suggest you buy your own 3 bed house with your inheritance. This man is NOT a keeper.

and Renting is wasting money you could be saving for your own home 🌺

@tiredandaccidentprone

Just thought I'd clarify - it was only after our conversation last night that it appears he's not planning on changing the contact routine, way he patents etc. I thought we may be able to have some kind of compromise. But apparently not.

Frankly @tiredandaccidentprone the more you write and explain the more I think that, in your situation I would not enmesh myself, my finances and - more importantly, my children - into a blended family with this man who can only see his own point of view, and makes you feel "crap" when you voice perfectly rational concerns.

His idea that it will all work out perfectly is more wishful thinking than mature planning or even common sense.

This is not the person that I would blend with in the way that he wants - it feels like the advantage is purely in his favour. I would, personally, suggest you either leave things as they currently are for you, buy a 3-house for yourself and your children which is home and you have your own personal bedroom which is not part of the communal space. There is nothing stopping your DP and his son visiting except his own desires that he cannot afford and/or his pride.

Your relationship with him may not survive but the price of doing what he wants is too high, I think. I wish you strength and happiness whatever you decide. 🌹

OP these are all really serious issues in themselves, never mind put together. And worst of all is the fact that he won’t discuss them properly with you. Is he the kind of person who never admits they’re in the wrong?

Please think very carefully about moving in with him while these issues are unresolved.

He might have more money for a down payment if he stopped the steady stream of toys and gifts...Seriously, though. He sounds like he expects it all to be his way or the highway. He wants to do none of the work (emotionally, financially, parenting-wise, or partner-wise). So if that's the case, a "proper family" in his mind is one where you and your children make all the sacrifices (financially, time, space and most likely house work) and he sits back with his pipe and slippers as the man of the house waiting for the future king to make an appearance. When someone shows you who they are, you should pay attention. Good luck. It's a tough position to be in, however, if you make your children as much of a priority as he makes his son your decision should be much easier.

I was just thinking with your savings and inheritance you may be able to afford a 3 bed shared ownership place and buy a significant chunk of it all on your own! Quite possibly cheaper than your current rent and more secure.

It is an option to look into carefully though as some schemes have drawbacks.

If you owned it then they could trial moving in all on your terms!!! Don't think you would last a year before you saw your P in a whole new light as being lazy and selfish.

Well he's trying to be very generous with your j heritable isn't he OP whilst leaving you to do all the compromising. I think you'd be crazy to give in and buy a 4 bed, or to move in together to rent. Once he has you renting with him, he will probably be relentless Re buying.

Don't rush into this, or allow yourself to be pressured into doing anything. Like others have said there is a real danger you will come to regret it. It does all seem to be about what he wants.

Yes after last night's conversation I think I'd probably be a idiot to buy a house (3 or 4 bed!) with him. I suggested earlier about us living separately until the DC were older and he was not a fan of that idea, to put it mildly.

Well tough shit on him he can like it or lump it!