Page 21 | DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

tiredandaccidentprone · 2021-02-08T10:20:23+00:00

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10. We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!). We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month. DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet. I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together. I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

SandyY2K · 14/02/2021 23:57

So did he order the flowers today and they got delivered today? That's probably down to the florist they were battered.

I'd take a photo of them, send you him and say " I hope you didn't spend too much on these, as they're half dead, but thanks for the thought."

I get that he cancelled on you last minute. He's never going to say no to his DS and that's all the more reason not to live together.

Tiredoftattler · 15/02/2021 00:07

@aSofaNearYou
People are not blameless for being who they are, but it is the height of folly to know who they are and yet expect them to act differently. The man has made no secret of the fact that he wants all of the available time that he can have with his son. On several occasions he has had to cancel with the OP because his son wanted to stay over..

While he might not be blameless the OP has repeatedly accepted this behavior so she too is not blameless. This seems to be the nature of their ongoing relationship.
The only difference is that the OP accepts the behavior and then complains about it. The partner is inconsiderable but the OP is willingly complicit in the behaviour. She is neither a victim nor a martyr; she is an informed and active participant in the dating drama.

BlueThistles · 15/02/2021 22:58

Did you speak to him OP.. make you position clear

BlueThistles · 18/02/2021 02:21

OP are you okay ?

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 18/02/2021 02:58

@tiredandaccidentprone

How are you doing?

Original poster

tiredandaccidentprone · 18/02/2021 09:51

@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants @BlueThistles Thanks for checking in on me! I've actually been poorly this week so I've asked DP to stay away (to be fair to him he's done as I asked apart from dropping off some supplies to me yesterday). It's given me the opportunity to have a really good think about what I want without him pestering me!

OP posts:

NewSong · 18/02/2021 11:52

@tiredandaccidentprone hope you are soon feeling better. You've had a lot to deal with.

Bonheurdupasse · 18/02/2021 11:59

Did he ever come over on Sunday?

BlueThistles · 18/02/2021 15:27

Sorry to hear you are unwell.. hopefully you feel better soon ...

I hope you find the strength to say No to your partner.. and buy a house for you and your kids alone

Bibidy · 18/02/2021 16:42

Sorry you're unwell OP, hope you feel better soon.

I agree with you and others that aside from anything else, your incompatible parenting styles will make for hellish living and as you said, it will affect your children and not your SS as he doesn't have any rules as it is. I would not want to live with him under these circumstances.

The ad hoc schedule would be a massive no for me. If you end up buying/renting a nice, big 4-bed house your SS might end up wanting to spend a load more time with you and you will never get a break. Plus you'll constantly have nightmares with dinners and lunches because SS turns up unexpectedly and now needs a meal.

I also think the way your DP treated you on Valentine's Day is a huge indicator of what your life living together would be like. He shouldn't be cancelling an arranged date with you - on Valentine's of all days - just because his son fancies staying longer when he could just as easily come over to his dad's again the next day by the sound of it. At least when he did that you were at your own place and could relax until he showed up (assuming he did eventually show up!). Imagine if you lived together and had arranged this dinner for after SS went back to his mum, but then your DP turns around at the last minute and says he's not going yet. Not only would your plans have been ruined but you'd also be stuck with DP and SS in your house for however long SS chooses. You'd be totally at their mercy with no bolthole to escape back to.

I just wouldn't do it and I think you're totally right to be so cautious.

Original poster

tiredandaccidentprone · 18/02/2021 18:45

@Bibidy All the things you have mentioned I am worried about!

He did come over Valentine's Day but it was much later than planned so we didn't get much time really.

I'm actually still feeling ill so he won't be coming over for a few more days. I will definitely be having a chat with him when he does, I've just got to figure out how to word it without sounding like I'm calling him a bad parent or that I don't like his son (which is not true!).

OP posts:

BlueThistles · 18/02/2021 18:47

@Bibidy

Sorry you're unwell OP, hope you feel better soon.

I agree with you and others that aside from anything else, your incompatible parenting styles will make for hellish living and as you said, it will affect your children and not your SS as he doesn't have any rules as it is. I would not want to live with him under these circumstances.

The ad hoc schedule would be a massive no for me. If you end up buying/renting a nice, big 4-bed house your SS might end up wanting to spend a load more time with you and you will never get a break. Plus you'll constantly have nightmares with dinners and lunches because SS turns up unexpectedly and now needs a meal.

I also think the way your DP treated you on Valentine's Day is a huge indicator of what your life living together would be like. He shouldn't be cancelling an arranged date with you - on Valentine's of all days - just because his son fancies staying longer when he could just as easily come over to his dad's again the next day by the sound of it. At least when he did that you were at your own place and could relax until he showed up (assuming he did eventually show up!). Imagine if you lived together and had arranged this dinner for after SS went back to his mum, but then your DP turns around at the last minute and says he's not going yet. Not only would your plans have been ruined but you'd also be stuck with DP and SS in your house for however long SS chooses. You'd be totally at their mercy with no bolthole to escape back to.

I just wouldn't do it and I think you're totally right to be so cautious.

very well put 🌺

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 19/02/2021 01:20

[quote tiredandaccidentprone]**@WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants* @BlueThistles* Thanks for checking in on me! I've actually been poorly this week so I've asked DP to stay away (to be fair to him he's done as I asked apart from dropping off some supplies to me yesterday). It's given me the opportunity to have a really good think about what I want without him pestering me! [/quote]
Good to hear from you, I'm sorry you've been unwell! Hope you're feeling much better soon!

Don't let him convince you're being horrible or whatever. Maybe read through the thread again to empower you a bit.

Stay in touch & take care 💐

WildfirePonie · 19/02/2021 09:39

I've just got to figure out how to word it without sounding like I'm calling him a bad parent or that I don't like his son (which is not true!).

OP you can just tell him that you've decided that you want to stay living separately, it's better for the kids without any upheaval, and that you can look at moving in together once the kids have all grown up and moved out.

You don't need to mention anything about his parenting sytle or anything about his son.

If he doesn't like it then tough shit really.

RandomMess · 19/02/2021 09:57

I hope you are feeling better.

You can say "our parenting styles are very different and it will cause so much conflict. I think we just stay as we are and buy together when the DC have left home. We are happy and love each other so why risk it being a nightmare for the sake of a few more years"

forrestgreen · 19/02/2021 11:20

I'm worried that we're not investing equally into a house and can't agree on how big of an investment we need.
I'm also concerned about the big difference in our parenting styles, we both obviously think we're right, but I think it's the children who'd suffer with the difference.

pictish · 19/02/2021 12:01

@WildfirePonie

I've just got to figure out how to word it without sounding like I'm calling him a bad parent or that I don't like his son (which is not true!).

OP you can just tell him that you've decided that you want to stay living separately, it's better for the kids without any upheaval, and that you can look at moving in together once the kids have all grown up and moved out.

You don't need to mention anything about his parenting sytle or anything about his son.

If he doesn't like it then tough shit really.

I think this too.

It’s a crude way of offering advice but if I were in your shoes I wouldn’t be seeking to create a blended family and I would simply say so.
I don’t want more caring responsibilities, I want to focus on my own children and I’m content for you to do the same.

BlueThistles · 19/02/2021 13:27

Just say... it's not right for me and my kids so NO 🌺

BlueThistles · 19/02/2021 13:29

He will lose his temper Im sure... because He sees your inheritance as his golden ticket to a new 4 bedroom house for Him and his Son... he'll have been promising his Son the earth..in your inheritance... big bedroom bla bla bla...

walk away OP 🌺

Whythesadface · 19/02/2021 18:20

Don't mention the house, or your inheritance.
Just tell him that you think all the children will not cope being forced to share toys and rooms.
That your different parenting styles won't mesh, and you just want to wait till the Children are less dependant.
That you couldn't deal with his son turning up any time he likes, as you would like some structure and if your Childeren were at their dads you don't want DSS to resent you if he is told no about visiting on those days, as you were hoping for some couple time, but this valentines has shown he really needs to put his sons needs first.

KatySun · 19/02/2021 18:57

What WildfirePonie said really. Statements rather than explanations as explanations draw you into a long conversation, possibly guilt-tripping and emotional manipulation, and you don’t need that.

NettleTea · 20/02/2021 14:45

I hope you feel better soon. Wait until you are better before having this conversation, its not one for when you could be bulldozed

BlueThistles · 21/02/2021 14:57

I hope OP is okay and being able to fend off the persuasions of this guy and his want of OP to purchase this new bigger house...

WildfirePonie · 25/02/2021 11:24

How are you doing OP?