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Original poster

DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

524 replies

tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 10:20

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 12/02/2021 18:41

Next time you're together, get a piece of paper and pen out and detail how each of you will be contributing. Force him to show you that he expects you to be committing.

sassbott · 12/02/2021 18:41

@tiredandaccidentprone I’ve caught up on your comments. This is red flag galore territory

  1. ad hoc vs structured contact. The board is full of threads re those sort of contact schedules. If you know it won’t work - don’t go there
  2. present buying/ treats/ reward. Again if this was day in/ day out/ regular occurrence and happening under your DC’s roof - yes it would absolutely become a bone of contention for them. I’m very similar to you - in my home outside of birthdays/ Xmas, unless they have done well at school, presents are on a reward basis.
  3. I’m sorry but I find his attitude towards ‘real family’ and hints around your inheritance hugely off putting. Family is commitment and love. Not living under one roof in a 4 bedroom house. His attitude is not great.

Sorry OP, I categorically would not live with this man

TheChip · 12/02/2021 18:54

He sounds very selfish. No room for compromise with this man. I bet this has been an eye opener for you, OP! Not a very nice one, but at least you're seeing this now before actually moving in together.

user1732578431456 · 12/02/2021 18:55

@tiredandaccidentprone

Yes after last night's conversation I think I'd probably be a idiot to buy a house (3 or 4 bed!) with him. I suggested earlier about us living separately until the DC were older and he was not a fan of that idea, to put it mildly.
Has he articulated why? Other than wanting you to pay for him to live somewhere much bigger while he continues his Disney dad performance?
Ragwort · 12/02/2021 18:57

The fact he's making you feel 'crap and unreasonable' says it all ... he's using you OP, he wants a nicer home and a cook, cleaner and someone to keep his bed warm and dressing it all up as 'being one family'. Hmm

If he genuinely cared for you and your DC (and his own) he would be properly and rationally discussing all aspects of blending your families and not rushing into it ... I can't understand why you even stay with him, what are his good points?

MeridianB · 12/02/2021 19:01

@Ragwort

The fact he's making you feel 'crap and unreasonable' says it all ... he's using you OP, he wants a nicer home and a cook, cleaner and someone to keep his bed warm and dressing it all up as 'being one family'. Hmm

If he genuinely cared for you and your DC (and his own) he would be properly and rationally discussing all aspects of blending your families and not rushing into it ... I can't understand why you even stay with him, what are his good points?

This.

In every post he sounds worse. This has all the potential of being a dictatorship rather than a partnership, whether renting or buying.

Your DC deserve better than having to share their mum and house with someone who doesn’t have their best interests at heart.

Whythesadface · 12/02/2021 19:02

Have you ever all been on holiday together?
I know someone who back out sharpish after the person she was going to live with treated her like the staff on a family holiday.
He did nothing, didn't want to pay for food as it was only him and she had 2 children, his child came for the weekend and he took him to the pub, but not her children.

Snowymcsnowsony · 12/02/2021 19:21

Not sure how often ds's stays at your home currently.. Maybe organise a staycation for a few days? Half term next week... At your house.. Activities as a family.. Meals, sleeping over.. Chores.. Rules... A trial run...

Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 12/02/2021 19:34

@Snowymcsnowsony DSS has actually never stayed over at mine. DS has stayed over at DP's when he's been there though.

@Whythesadface Yes we went on holiday about 2 years ago and it was pretty much a disaster (all the kids didn't really know each other too well and DP insisted on us all sharing a static caravan. You can imagine how that went!). The 2 boys get on really well now though.

OP posts:
okokok000 · 12/02/2021 19:35

@tiredandaccidentprone

Yes after last night's conversation I think I'd probably be a idiot to buy a house (3 or 4 bed!) with him. I suggested earlier about us living separately until the DC were older and he was not a fan of that idea, to put it mildly.
Not keen to live separately, but equally not keen to buy a 3 bed with you with a more equal split between you. Cannot believe he has had the cheek to make you feel bad for not ploughing more money in as per his expectations. You've done nothing wrong. I really can't see the benefit to you. Big only Re money, but how merging your families would work if he is going to be inflexible on everything. Based on what you've said so far there is a danger you'll be pushed into the position of putting up and shutting up.
BIWI · 12/02/2021 19:37

The more you post, the more this sounds like a disaster waiting to happen Sad

I'm sorry.

TheyIsMyFamily · 12/02/2021 19:50

There are no real 'pros' for you if he moves in; only for him and his son.

I wouldn't do it, frankly. All the 'compromise' seems to be required of you, as in he gets everything he wants 'or else you're not a family'.

Barf.

What do you see in the man?

Snowymcsnowsony · 12/02/2021 19:53

What would happen if you invited them to stay with you?

Techway · 12/02/2021 19:54

DP just seems to think it'll all be fine if we move in together and there won't be any problems

I think this means he won't compromise...which is why it won't be an issue.

I don't disagree about ad hoc schedule given it's less than 6 nights a month. That should be do'able. The different parenting is an issue and too be expected...it will only work if he sees your side and you can see his point of view. It means he has to be able to discuss fully.

Only option is to rent a 4 bed so you don't have the commitment but it does look like the writing is on the wall.

Does dp stay over in your house in the living area? Doesn't make much sense that you don't have a bedroom for the adults, yet his ds must have a bedroom.

doodleygirl · 12/02/2021 19:55

Do not move in with him

Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 12/02/2021 19:59

@Techway It's less than 6 nights a month overnight, but he has him for a few hours in the afternoon very regularly.

OP posts:
Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 12/02/2021 20:01

@Techway And yes when he stays over it's on the sofa bed with me (doesn't really seem to bother him as the kids don't tend to disturb us when it's bed time. They understand that that room is technically my bedroom after say 9pm).

OP posts:
Letsskidaddle · 12/02/2021 20:11

Not RTFT but have read all the OPs posts....

OP if you can afford it please buy the 3 bed that suits you and your children. 'Proper' families take such different shapes and sizes and it sounds like your DP isn't prepared to compromise at all in terms of parenting styles and contact. I honestly think your own children will be the ones that suffer because of this and you'll end up doing all the 'wife work' and trying to make the 'proper' family a happy one while he just carries on the same as always.

It would drive me insane if I never knew when contact was going to be, it's too random for everyone.

I know you can protect your assets and stuff if you did buy together, but I honestly think you and your children would be happier being in your own place and keeping things with DP and DSS as they are, them sometimes staying over, but not all living together. You've potentially got the trickiest years coming up when they're all teens and having your own place might well be a God send (esp the times when yours are both at they're dad's, you'll treasure that child free time and might not want DSS just popping in - and I mean that in the nicest way...when you've done all the parenting and teen-stuff, child free time is amazing)

Muskox · 12/02/2021 20:20

The thing that he needs to realise is that he doesn't get to unilaterally decide here.

He isn't keen on living separately for the next few years and refuses to buy a 3-bed house together.

His solution is for you to use your inheritance to buy a 4-bed house - but he can not make that happen OP. He needs to realise that he's not the one in the position of power here.

What are you currently thinking OP? What would your preference be if you had to decide right now?

Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 12/02/2021 20:29

@Muskox I think my preference would be for me to buy a 3 bed house for just me and my DC, and to keep having sleepovers and days out with DP and all the DC.

I think if I say to DP that's what I want, we won't be together much longer.

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 12/02/2021 20:30

@tiredandaccidentprone

Yes after last night's conversation I think I'd probably be a idiot to buy a house (3 or 4 bed!) with him. I suggested earlier about us living separately until the DC were older and he was not a fan of that idea, to put it mildly.

So glad to hear you say this OP... put you and your kids first 🌺

Snowymcsnowsony · 12/02/2021 20:32

How does he think dc who are virtual strangers can live together and it he successful?

BlueThistles · 12/02/2021 20:38

[quote tiredandaccidentprone]@Muskox I think my preference would be for me to buy a 3 bed house for just me and my DC, and to keep having sleepovers and days out with DP and all the DC.

I think if I say to DP that's what I want, we won't be together much longer. [/quote]

He's showing you that you are a means to an end financially for him 🌺

Ragwort · 12/02/2021 20:44

I know this sounds harsh, but why are you so desperate to stay with a man who treats you (& your children) with such indifference... what exactly do you get out of this relationship? Are you just desperate to have a man in your life?

Pippa234 · 12/02/2021 20:53

I don't think he sounds very kind at all, and with his Disney Dad ways your children will be unhappy.

I wouldn't stay with him let alone move him in.
You will be living as two separate families in one house.

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