Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

524 replies

tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 10:20

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

OP posts:
00100001 · 08/02/2021 10:24

How many bedrooms do you have now? Confused

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/02/2021 10:24

Well, I agree that a 4 bed would be ideal given the ages of the children. And it doesn’t make financial sense to buy a 3 bed now and then pay costs of selling and buying in a few years to upgrade to a 4 bed.

I think to address the moaning, just have a conversation with him. Often when a partner moans, we get into “fix it” mode and want to fix the problem. He may just be venting about the housing being so expensive. Just chat with him and if it’s just venting you don’t need to feel an urge to fix things. You can just vent along with him on how it’s a shame how much houses cost.

00100001 · 08/02/2021 10:25

Oh wait, sorry, missed the bit where you said you live separately.

I'd be inclined to either push back at him and say " we can live together, but you are making us wait"

Or leave him.

Teamox · 08/02/2021 10:26

If there's really no budging on him wanting a 4 bedroom, find a 3 bed that you can be creative with.

Our last house was a 3 bed (and priced as such), but had a separate living and dining room, so we could have used one as a bedroom. Or make sure 2 of the bedrooms are a reasonable size, you take the 2nd largest and give the largest to the 2 boys and put up a stud wall to give them each their own space.

titchy · 08/02/2021 10:27

Why would a 4 bed be ideal given their ages? The boys are only two years apart and one only stays a few nights a month Confused

Sounds like a 3 bed with a bit of spare cash for treats, family holidays and kids' activities would be a far better use of money.

TinyCake · 08/02/2021 10:45

I don't see why they can't share if they are both happy too. Just try and give them the biggest room you can and let them both put posters on their half. Make sure it doesn't feel like DS' room that DSS is allowed to stay in.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/02/2021 10:47

I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

What did you say to that?

In future, and this will keep cropping up, you need to say “as you’re prioritising a separate bedroom for DSS you know it’ll be ages till we can have a family home, this is your decision”. And refuse to entertain any whinging.

larktreebird · 08/02/2021 10:48

I agree with him to be honest.

Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 10:53

We have discussed this constantly for the past few weeks. He won't budge on DSS not having his own room. We can only just afford a 3 bed. I have explained that this means we will not be able to move in together for quite a while yet he still keeps going on like I'm able to fix the problem!

OP posts:
Devlesko · 08/02/2021 10:56

Looks like you have found out in time.
I wouldn't move in with a man like this, sounds like he's making excuses.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 08/02/2021 11:00

Don’t do anything. Just stay living in your separate houses and reassess when you have enough saved for a 4 bed. If he whinges about not living together, remind him why that is.

GoodCow · 08/02/2021 11:03

Could you get a 3 bed and save/get a loan to do a loft conversion in the future to get another bedroom?

LemmysAceCard · 08/02/2021 11:17

Next time he moans ask him what his solution to the problem is. What does he suggest can happen to make his 4 bedroom house realistic?

Get him to make suggestions for a change

Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 11:20

I'm due to receive some inheritance at some point in the near future. Not a huge amount, but enough. My plan was to put some into savings and then put the remainder in to my DC's ISA's. DP hasn't said outright, but I get the feeling he is expecting me to put all of the money in to the house deposit (for a 4 bed).

OP posts:
JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 08/02/2021 11:25

Oh that changes everything!! That’s exactly what he is waiting for. He wants your inheritance to buy him a bigger house. Don’t do it Op! Stay separate. Buy your own house for you and your DC

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 08/02/2021 11:26

Well surely that’s his goal - he wants that inheritance to go to the house and not yours and your DCs savings. Have you explained that is not happening ?

Out of interest, does he share the financial load ?

RevIMJolly · 08/02/2021 11:29

Run! Run for the hills

MotherofTerriers · 08/02/2021 11:31

OP, when your inheritance arrives, buy a 3 bedroom house for you and your children. Let him come and stay if he wishes
That money is security for you and your kids, don't give it away

LemmysAceCard · 08/02/2021 11:32

Well there we go, he wants your inheritance to fund a 4 bed house. Thats why he keeps on about it, we wants to grind you down and for you to say that you will use it all to get this house.

How much deposit does he plan to put in?

True colours seen here OP, if it was his inheritance would be put it all in or be happy for his son to share a room?

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/02/2021 11:34

@MotherofTerriers

OP, when your inheritance arrives, buy a 3 bedroom house for you and your children. Let him come and stay if he wishes That money is security for you and your kids, don't give it away
I’m strongly with this.

He’s incredibly manipulative.

RedMarauder · 08/02/2021 11:35

My plan was to put some into savings and then put the remainder in to my DC's ISA's. DP hasn't said outright, but I get the feeling he is expecting me to put all of the money in to the house deposit (for a 4 bed).

Your DP is being a Disney dad.

Your money is for your children. DO NOT spend it on your living costs now put it away for them as planned.

An extra bedroom is not needed for a child who only stays a few days a month and can share a larger room.

Even if he lived with you all as long as the children got on they could share.

MrsDoctorDear · 08/02/2021 11:35

@tiredandaccidentprone

I'm due to receive some inheritance at some point in the near future. Not a huge amount, but enough. My plan was to put some into savings and then put the remainder in to my DC's ISA's. DP hasn't said outright, but I get the feeling he is expecting me to put all of the money in to the house deposit (for a 4 bed).
You'd be a fool to move in with him. Of course 2 boys that close in age can share. Sounds like he'd be a nightmare to live with, he would most likely treat his DS like a prince who would get priority over everything.
JaimeLeeCurtains · 08/02/2021 11:36

Oh honestly OP, be very very careful here.

He's going to potentially pressure you into buying a 4 bedroom house, change a lightbulb and give you a tenner a week 'towards the mortgage' and put a claim on your asset.

Ask him how he feels about getting legal documents drawn up to protect your respective investments. His reaction will tell you a lot.

AnneLovesGilbert · 08/02/2021 11:37

What’s the difference between what he’s planning to put in and what he’s expecting you to put in from your inheritance?

nimbuscloud · 08/02/2021 11:37

Stay living separately.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.