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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

524 replies

tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 10:20

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

OP posts:
BlueThistles · 12/02/2021 20:54

@Ragwort

I know this sounds harsh, but why are you so desperate to stay with a man who treats you (& your children) with such indifference... what exactly do you get out of this relationship? Are you just desperate to have a man in your life?

I think the complete opposite... 🤔

I believe OP has been very careful and taken her time in this situation... she's not rushing into anything either 🌺

Muskox · 12/02/2021 20:55

He's not shy about telling you what he wants though, is he?

CherryDocsInYrBalls · 12/02/2021 21:31

He wants you to think it would all be over if you don't comply because he is manipulating you to get what he wants. There won't be many mothers out there tripping over themselves to buy him a 4 bed house and risking their children's future

KatySun · 12/02/2021 21:42

Listen to your gut here - you have got your head screwed on; you want a house for you and your DC. You can list many reasons why bringing two families together won’t work, why it will be detrimental to you and your DC, and that it will cost you financially.
Your DP is emotionally manipulating you with an idealised idea of being an ‘actual family’ (never mind that families come in all shapes and sizes) and implicitly that there will be no relationship if you don’t move in together.
Honestly, don’t do it. You know what you want here and it is not a blended family with your partner in a house you have bought. Don’t let him railroad you into it.

Butterymuffin · 12/02/2021 21:47

I think if I say to DP that's what I want, we won't be together much longer.

So it's 'my way or the highway' with him?

Lots of red flags here. But I notice he's got quite a way along this path by indirect means. For now I would be saying to all this 'If that's what you really want, I'm sure you'll find a way to make it happen'. Make him be direct and spell out that he expects you to subsidise his house aspirations.

babbi · 12/02/2021 21:48

You sound like you’re very switched on now OP.
Get rid of this man now , he’s manipulating you .
Buy a 3 bed for you and your children.
I wish you the best of luck .
A blended family with him and his DS doesn’t sound great tbh and not ideal for your children.

Letsskidaddle · 12/02/2021 21:52

@tiredandaccidentprone - just read your updates and this jumped out

"I think if I say to DP that's what I want, we won't be together much longer.*"
*
If his commitment is so fragile and comes with conditions then surely it's better to know now than once YOU'VE paid the lion's share of a joint property? You'd be in the awful position of trying to raise the money to buy him out, or having to sell and start again. It would be so much better for you and your children if you were able to buy a 'forever' home wouldn't it? He seems to be the one benefiting most if you buy a bigger place together...

I know it's so hard, particularly when you love someone and are invested in them but life will be so much easier all round if you're not also having to navigate different parenting styles, especially through the teenage years. You'll probably have really different approaches to school work, extra-curricular stuff, teenage rebellion and everything that challenges families so much even where there aren't the stepparent/child dynamics to contend with as well. All the "you're not my mum/dad..." conflicts.

My (childless)DP and I took the decision not to live together when mine were younger - we met when they were 12 and older - and at the time I was initially really upset but now, with hindsight, it was totally the best thing for everyone. Yes, there were things we probably all missed out on (my rose-tinted specs probably) BUT overall it was far easier for mine and the kids' home to be OURS without another unrelated adult having a role within that. There were things I allowed that my DP would have struggled with if it had also been his home that he was paying towards. He'd stay over sometimes, but still had his own home and it really suited us. Might have been different if they'd been even younger when we met, who knows.

Wishing you all the best with this, it can't be easy.

Tavannach · 12/02/2021 21:55

So he fills his son's room with presents and now he wants YOU to buy him a house.
What does he buy for your children?

VinterKvinna · 12/02/2021 21:56

[quote tiredandaccidentprone]@Muskox I think my preference would be for me to buy a 3 bed house for just me and my DC, and to keep having sleepovers and days out with DP and all the DC.

I think if I say to DP that's what I want, we won't be together much longer. [/quote]
How is it going OP?

Cattitudes · 12/02/2021 22:26

What will happen to the lovely big house bought with your inheritance when you die? I imagine it 'would only be fair' to split it three ways. The difference in parenting would be an issue too. No wonder he doesn't have much money if he is busy being Disney Dad. I would suggest to him that with his ds presumably transferring to secondary soon it would probably be fairer for him to have his own space with his dad but they are both welcome to sometimes come and stay in your nice new 3 bed house. It really will be hard to make it work with two different parenting styles when they are all teenagers.

If the relationship lasts until they have all nearly left home then revisit the plan then. It will give him a chance to save up a bit. If he really wants to spend the rest of your lives together then it won't matter.

Whythesadface · 13/02/2021 00:22

I keep forgetting just how nasty a Disney Dad can be when the children of the house have to see 2 sets of rules.
It can hurt and divide a home so much.
How will your DS like it if DSS gets a PS5 and keeps it locked in his look for the few days a month he visits,
You do still need a talk about bills, and how money is sorted.
That will be one heck of a telling conversation.

user686233 · 13/02/2021 00:55

I think you have the right idea about buying a three bed on your own, with the clash of parenting styles and schedules I think it will just work better. However I will say that you planning to put money in your kids ISA's over investing in a bigger house seems a poor financial decision. ISA's make almost nothing, why have money say doing nothing when it could be invested in property or your pension? Is rather get on the property ladder ASAP and help my kids financially when they are grown up and I am hopefully retired and mortgage free. Kids savings accounts just don't seem like a good investment to me.

SueblueNZ · 13/02/2021 03:23

All the best with this, OP. It seems you already know the right way forward.

StephenBelafonte · 13/02/2021 14:04

Well done for sticking to your guns OP. He wanted a lifestyle upgrade at you and your kids expense!

SandyY2K · 13/02/2021 14:42

I think my preference would be for me to buy a 3 bed house for just me and my DC, and to keep having sleepovers and days out with DP and all the DC.

I think if I say to DP that's what I want, we won't be together much longer

Although he thinks it won't be a problem and all be fine. You need to emphasise, that it will be a problem for your DC and you, so that's why you propose leaving one house till they're older.

I mean any kid would get jealous of another in the same house getting lots of toys. He can choose to parent as he wishes and buy what he wants for his child, but that is incompatible with your parenting and would cause issues.

If he refuses to accept this and doesn't want to continue as you are, then it's over.

The issue now isn't really the room sharing. It's the parenting style and his ad hoc arrangement that doesn't work for you.

You could have someone give you a mansion to live in and these issues would still exist.

He wants to live together soon
You don't.

Techway · 13/02/2021 16:40

@Letsskidaddle, I admire the approach you took. Too many adults feel they have to be the family unit when it just won't work. Children get one shot at their childhood whereas adults can have multiple romantic partners.

If parenting is tough, then blending/step families is a whole different level and I just don't think people consider the implications. I don't think moving an unrelated adult into a house with older children is the way to go. To often it's done for financial reasons.

Did you move in eventually?

InFiveMins · 13/02/2021 16:48

He's being petty OP, the 2 boys should share together, girl should have own bedroom. It's simple. Tell him to grow up.

kittensmittens1 · 13/02/2021 17:19

Op, buy a 3 bed for you and your children and do not marry him under any circumstances!!

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/02/2021 17:25

[quote tiredandaccidentprone]@Muskox I think my preference would be for me to buy a 3 bed house for just me and my DC, and to keep having sleepovers and days out with DP and all the DC.

I think if I say to DP that's what I want, we won't be together much longer. [/quote]
He's painted you into a corner where you have to buy him a big house to keep the relationship.

If this wasn't the case, I'd say offer either: we don't live together OR we get a 3 bed. Either is a compromise. But I wouldn't offer living together after your updates. Get yourself a lovely house. If he wants to end the relationship... bye bye.

forrestgreen · 13/02/2021 17:56

It's a good idea to buy your own house but be wary of him moving in by stealth

Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 13/02/2021 18:29

I'm fairly sure I've made my decision. I spent today with DP as DSS and it was pretty much a nightmare. DSS is a lovely boy but he can be a bit challenging sometimes. I'm not sure what happened today but he was rude, difficult and there was a problem with absolutely everything. None of the behaviour corrected by DP. I came back home late this afternoon and ran myself a bath. I was laying in it thinking if we lived together I wouldn't be able to escape to my own calm, stress free bubble, ever. And that scares me.

OP posts:
DinoHat · 13/02/2021 18:33

@tiredandaccidentprone

I'm fairly sure I've made my decision. I spent today with DP as DSS and it was pretty much a nightmare. DSS is a lovely boy but he can be a bit challenging sometimes. I'm not sure what happened today but he was rude, difficult and there was a problem with absolutely everything. None of the behaviour corrected by DP. I came back home late this afternoon and ran myself a bath. I was laying in it thinking if we lived together I wouldn't be able to escape to my own calm, stress free bubble, ever. And that scares me.
You’ll also find yourself correcting your own DC for behaviours your DSS is allowed to get away with and that doesn’t make for a harmonious home.
RandomMess · 13/02/2021 18:41

Your P sounds like a complete Disney Dad, the teenager years are brutal enough without a history of zero boundaries.

Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 13/02/2021 18:52

My DD is nearly 15 and she can be a right pain the backside sometimes, but I've never seen her behave the way DSS did today.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 13/02/2021 18:56

Exactly!

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