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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 20 21

Original poster

DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

524 replies

tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 10:20

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

OP posts:

sunshineandshowers40 · 08/02/2021 11:38

Does he want your children to share a room?

Do not buy a 4 bed house with your inheritance. If the boys get on and are happy to share, I really don't understand his problem.

Santaiscovidfree · 08/02/2021 11:40

He isn't seeing hearts and flowers is he? £ signs and his own way...

Run op...

MrsDoctorDear · 08/02/2021 11:42

I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

I'd tell him to shut the fuck up, subject is over.

Singlenotsingle · 08/02/2021 11:42

You can get a Declaration of Trust to get your money protected. It would remain yours and come back to you if ever you split. You'd buy the house as tenants in common, not joint tenants. Speak to a solicitor and get proper legal advice.

caligulascatharsis · 08/02/2021 11:45

Even so, do not buy a 4 bedroom house that you neither need or want with your own money just to appease him.

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 08/02/2021 11:47

@Singlenotsingle

I wouldn’t even do this. I wouldn’t move in with someone who wanted to use me like this.

CoffeeBeansGalore · 08/02/2021 11:47

Would this inheritance with your savings help you buy a nice 3 bed house suitable for you and your children? This would be your future & financial security. I would be loathe to risk that to stop your current partner moaning. I think a pp has it right. If you live together, his ds will be treated like visiting royalty whilst your dc will grow resentful.
I would be tempted to "find out" that this money is going directly to your dc, being held until they reach 21, and bypassing you.
Your "d" partner may well decide your relationship isn't working when you are not lined up to move in together and share the financial burden, whilst being a built in nanny, housekeeper & skivvy.

TheInvigilator · 08/02/2021 11:49

I don't normally comment on stuff like this but I'm in agreement with everyone else, don't use your inheritance to get a 4 bed! A 3 bed would be perfectly fine for you all. There is literally no reason why DSS needs his own room when he doesn't stay very often and there's such a small gap between the two boys. I think them sharing a room would be great especially as they get on. You should say to your partner it's a 3 bed or we live separately. And that's final. Leave it up to him then. Those are the two choices. You shouldn't put yourself in a bad financial position for the sake of an unnecessary extra room to the point that your own children will be missing out with having less money for nice things every month, savings etc. This would be non negotiable for me.

Greenevalley · 08/02/2021 11:50

Why can't dss's share?
Whats the real reason?
I'm 60's. Never had my own bedroom.
Went from sharing with sisters to getting married.

Your dp is looking to get a nice 4 bed house with your money.

Santaiscovidfree · 08/02/2021 11:52

I agree let him known today the inheritance comes with strings and you actually won't have access to it.. His responses may well shape your future decisions..

pictish · 08/02/2021 11:52

The simple solution to me seems to be to not move into together but to live apart and each take care of your own kids’ interests.
Why do you need to live together? I mean I know...it’s a natural progression etc...but aren’t blended families fraught with complications and issues? I think they are.
You haven’t lived together yet...how do you know it will work out with you and your partner, your parenting styles etc. Don’t throw your lot in for a big house you’re not fussed about having just to please him.
Stay living separately until the kids are older - I would.

pictish · 08/02/2021 11:54

I also think he’s spent your inheritance on a room for his son in his head already.
Being me, that would be enough for me to put the brakes on the blended family idea. Not that I’d be keen on it anyway.

BluntAndToThePoint80 · 08/02/2021 11:54

I think some background might be helpful here.

If, for example, he is putting way more down in terms of a house deposit than you, I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him to want a discussion around using (maybe even just some of) your inheritance particularly as your kids are there most of the time so would effectively have their own bedrooms most of the time that he’s funding.

But that should be a grown up, straightforward conversation between adults where you can both put your point across. It doesn’t mean he’s entitled to demand you use your inheritance or that he should be playing mind games to get it.

If it’s fairly equal in terms of a contribution, again a conversation might be appropriate in light of how much your children benefit vs his, but I expect he’d have a bit less of a point than in scenario 1.

If you’re already putting down more cash, then I’d have serious doubts about proceeding to move in together.

If, of course, he is after the money. It might just be he’s having second thoughts about the whole thing.

strawberriesontheNeva · 08/02/2021 11:54

Sounds like he is after your inheritance. I would stay in separate houses. Don't tell 'd' p about your inheritance when it eventually does come to you.
You're not married and he already wants to control your finances.! Run a mile op

JackieWeaverIsTheAuthority · 08/02/2021 11:55

@pictish

The simple solution to me seems to be to not move into together but to live apart and each take care of your own kids’ interests. Why do you need to live together? I mean I know...it’s a natural progression etc...but aren’t blended families fraught with complications and issues? I think they are. You haven’t lived together yet...how do you know it will work out with you and your partner, your parenting styles etc. Don’t throw your lot in for a big house you’re not fussed about having just to please him. Stay living separately until the kids are older - I would.

All of this.

Fressia123 · 08/02/2021 11:56

I think it depends on too many things. Would you be able to get a mortgage just with your salary? I don't think there's anything wrong with getting the four bed (after all it's an investment) and you can protect it with a tenants in common agreement.

Original poster

tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 11:57

Inheritance aside, I would currently be putting in more cash in to a deposit than he would (not loads more, but enough for there to be a difference).

OP posts:

RandomMess · 08/02/2021 11:59

He's beginning to sound like he has cocklodger tendencies.

I would carry on living apart after all blending a family with 3 teens isn't going to be fun.

MorningNinja · 08/02/2021 12:00

I agree with your DP here and think its unreasonable for your DSS not to have a space of his own. Yes, hes not there all the time but despite this he needs a place to retreat to.

Perhaps his DS does not want to spend his time constantly on the company of your DS. Blending families is a constant change of needs and emotions so the relationship between your DS and DSS could change pretty quickly.

Happynow001 · 08/02/2021 12:00

@tiredandaccidentprone

I'm due to receive some inheritance at some point in the near future. Not a huge amount, but enough. My plan was to put some into savings and then put the remainder in to my DC's ISA's. DP hasn't said outright, but I get the feeling he is expecting me to put all of the money in to the house deposit (for a 4 bed).

OK so it's now clear why he's dug his heels in and trying to break down your resolve with his constant whinging.

You need to do what's best for YOU and your children - and that means the financial planning including, if you don't have this yet, a proper pension fund for YOU for when you'll need it. Who knows what this and future governments will do to our pensions whilst trying to correct our country's financial health post-pandemic? Also you will need some "just in case" money because who can see the future? Good luck, OP, whatever you decide. 🌹

lunar1 · 08/02/2021 12:00

As everyone else has said, buy yourself a nice three bed for you and your children, without him.

grapewine · 08/02/2021 12:03

@MotherofTerriers

OP, when your inheritance arrives, buy a 3 bedroom house for you and your children. Let him come and stay if he wishes That money is security for you and your kids, don't give it away

This a million times. So important.

LemmysAceCard · 08/02/2021 12:04

@MorningNinja

I agree with your DP here and think its unreasonable for your DSS not to have a space of his own. Yes, hes not there all the time but despite this he needs a place to retreat to.

If the DP wants a 4th bedroom and is insisting on it then he needs to stump up the extra cash to afford a 4th bedroom.

it not on the OP to spend her inheritance to facilitate this wish.

Tiredoftattler · 08/02/2021 12:04

If you know what you can afford or are willing to pay, you have your answer. He has a point about separate bedrooms. If you are both making an equal monthly contributions to the mortgage, it is not unreasonable for him to want a separate bedroom for his son. An 8 yr old and a 10 year should be able to share a room , but in 2 years an 14 year old and a 12 year old because of the different developmental stages may not want to share space. As the OP is bringing more people into the home and they may one day inherit a larger share of the home, it is not unreasonable that her contribution to the purchase of the home should be greater.
Neither party should commit more than they are financially comfortable with committing to the purchase.

Given the partner' s obstinate position, it seems that continuing to live apart is the reasonable solution. If he continues to moan and groan, tell him to come back to you when he can articulate a solution.

Onadifferentuniverse · 08/02/2021 12:05

He sounds really manipulative.
For the sake of them sharing a room for a few nights a month, it’s insane really.

I couldn’t stand for/ wait for this.

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