DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

[tiredandaccidentprone]

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

I think if I say to DP that's what I want, we won't be together much longer.

No, you won't. Because he wants your money to work for him

Not saying he's just gold digging. But what you have here is an entitled, slightly shitty man who fully intends for everyone to fall in line with what he wants. You'll bring your money in so that he - err he meant we, obviously! - can have a nice comfortable house again and when you do, things will obviously carry on just as they are. If there's any sucking it up to be done - you'll be the one doing it.

Because he literally has not ever computed that he wouldn't automatically, naturally, be somehow in charge in that set up. The ultimate male entitlement. The way he parents wouldn't change. There wouldn't BE anyone else, whose home it is, to consider.

Try saying this:

'I don't see how it could work to be honest. There is no way that I would be ok with a teenager in my home spending 7 hours a day on Xbox. I don't interfere with your parenting on your own turf, but it's not going to be ok for me in my home. How would that work out?'

See if the little light bulb - 'oh, she will get a say in how her home operates' - comes on? It won't, though. Or you'll get bluster and flannel.

Don't buy with him, ever. You'll live to HEARTILY regret it.

Sorry though as it does sound as if he will take off when he realises he's not going to get what he wants.

@YoniAndGuy
In essence ,to rephrase your suggestion the OP should say""in MY house , the house for which you are a co-owner, your son cannot receive the gifts that you choose to give nor can he spend the amount that you approve of engaging in screen time activities. In other words , you are expected to be a financially contributing member of the household but my views on parenting are to be controlling in this house"

It would seem far easier just to say that "it is apparent that there are incompatibilities that make it apparent that we should not live together."

I also don't think you need to have it out with him. And I think it risks needlessly making you into the bad guy who wants things her way - when the reverse is true - and won't make room for his son etc. So far he's put the pressure on in quite indirect ways, by bringing up all sorts of problems like wanting to live together but only in a 4 bed - and then you feel you're having to either solve the problem or justify to him why it can't be solved. Don't do either. It's his problem that his refusal to compromise is causing. So when it comes up, bat it back to him. 'I'm sure you'll find a way to sort the house issue'. Resist being made into the miserable problem solver. Step back from it and just carry on doing things the way you are doing them. I agree with @Whythesadface above about how to handle it for today.

Try saying this:

'I don't see how it could work to be honest. There is no way that I would be ok with a teenager in my home spending 7 hours a day on Xbox. I don't interfere with your parenting on your own turf, but it's not going to be ok for me in my home. How would that work out?'

Saying my home comes across that it wouldn't be his home too.

It also makes it seem like it's a criticism of his parenting and that hers is better and superior. Phrased like that will absolutely lead to a negative response and outcome.

It's much better to say your parenting styles are incompatible to live together and would be detrimental for your DC, who you need to prioritise....just as you know he would prioritise his DS if he felt something was unfair..i.e. having his own bedroom.

He really can't argue with that logic.

I completely agree with all of you. Any kind of slight on his parenting and I imagine he'll get immediately defensive.

Not sure whether we'll be having the chat today or tomorrow now, just had a battered bunch of roses turn up in a box, and a text from DP saying his DS wanted to stay longer than usual today so he thought he better send me something in case the shops were closed by the time he came over

I would be very tempted to text back "Thank you for the roses. Actually I'm going to do something with my kids so don't come over later. I will speak to you tomorrow".

Yes, what Coffeebeans said. Put you and your DC first. He has no reason to object as he has downgraded his plans with you first.

@tiredandaccidentpronet
Why would you need to slight his parenting ,or for that matter why should he need to slight your parenting? The fact that you have different parenting styles does not mean that either of you is a better or more caring parent.

If the 2 of you cannot have a simple conversation without being critical in an arena in which there are no absolute rights or wrongs, then you have serious problems.

OP, you made a snide remark about the gift that he sent, what did you send to him?

The tone of your postings seems angry. It may be disappointing to learn that you are not compatible, but there is no reason to be angry with him because the 2 of you are not compatible. You should be pleased to learn about this incompatibility before you took any further steps in attempting to blend your families.

Incompatibility may not stop you from loving each other, but it definitely suggest that living together would be a mistake. He can be your friend and lover without being your live-in partner or someone who needs to have any significant involvement with your children.

@Tiredoftattler I'm not angry because we may be incompatible. I'm annoyed because I had bought ingredients for a dinner for me and DP tonight, to now find out that he is going to be much later than planned due to DSS asking to stay at his longer. I'm not too sure why it matters, but I bought him his fav aftershave, his fav alcohol and a few other little bits. I obviously appreciate the flowers but to receive a battered box full of half dead roses pretty much sums up my week!

So it’s a 8 & 10 year old sharing a bedroom OP? I think it’s fine I wouldn’t be stretching to a 4 bed! Plenty of people share a room and manage fine.

I’m not sure you should all move in together at all though.

@tiredandaccidentprone
When we order flowers , we can only assume that the florist will deliver the quality product as advertised.
I can understand your disappointment in having your plans altered, but this is just another manifestation of areas in which you are less than compatible.
He bought you what he assumed were nice flowers; you bought him nice gifts. Dinner will be delayed.
If these are deal breakers for you; they are only a small fraction of the ways in which you may be incompatible.
Only you can decide when you are going to either end or readjust your expectations of this relationship.

There is little to be gained from constantly enumerating each incident that confirms the incompatibility. You have been put on notice as to the level and areas of incompatibility , the ball is in your court.

Op has Planned IN ADVANCE and bought him thoughtful presents and the ingredients for a meal which she was taking time and effort to prepare. He quickly ordered a same day flower delivery because he made no advance planning or effort ("as the shops may be shut later").
Op is not in the wrong here.

Tattler, as usual, is being slightly disingenuous.
It’s not the dinner being delayed that’s the problem, so much as the demonstration - on Valentines Day of all days when he knows you’ve gone to extra effort - that his child’s whims and fancy’s are more important than not letting you down.
I don’t care what anyone says about the child suffering endlessly because his parents have split up - the only appropriate response (except in case of emergencies) was a variation of “I’d love to but I’ve got plans later, how about I’ll come and get you on Monday after school I head and we can go to the park”
You don’t shit all over people like this and expect them to still want to be in a relationship with you.
If the DH wants all of his time to be at his sons disposal that’s his choice, but he shouldn’t be dicking OP around like this.

OP, you just need to take the housing element out of this situation and see if you even like him.

Isn't this how children end up as selfish/entitled adults because one or both parents never say "no" to them? They are never told "yes you are very important to me but I have already made plans and its important that I stick to commitments I've made with other people too. When would you next like to come over seeing as though you can't stay later today?"

It's not wrong that his son is his priority but I wouldn't want to ALWAYS come 2nd to what his son fancies on any particular day at short notice.

Christ... He's landed on his feet with you OP 😳

Put the alcohol and after shave in your gift cupboard and just give him the meal.

Yup. I bought my exp lovely aftershave once. After seeing the lack of effort he put in, I put it to once side and a year later regifted it to my eldest.

Drink the alcohol yourself.

Why not just say, "I could use my inheritance money to get us that 4 bed house" and see what he says. I think he'll be very happy.

@gntwithicenslice
Rather than they game playing or gotcha strategy, why not just admit that the relationship is not making the OP very happy and end it?

Personally, I have never seen the benefit in blaming a partner for not being what you need. Either a person is a good fit or they or not. No one should need to bend themselves into a pretzel to be what someone needs. This man has been consistent in demonstrating who he is and what his priorities are. He has not made in effort to hide or deceive. Clearly, there is an obvious lack of compatibility. Neither he nor the OP are to blame; they are just 2 people with differing values and points of view. The fact that OP is unhappy and yet continues the relationship is an issue with which she has to come to terms.

She does not love the man that he is; she loves the notion of what she would like him to be. That is not love; that is fantasy thinking.

So he knew you /he had plans?

Df or not he has clearly shown where you are on his list of priorities..

[quote Tiredoftattler]@gntwithicenslice
Rather than they game playing or gotcha strategy, why not just admit that the relationship is not making the OP very happy and end it?

Personally, I have never seen the benefit in blaming a partner for not being what you need. Either a person is a good fit or they or not. No one should need to bend themselves into a pretzel to be what someone needs. This man has been consistent in demonstrating who he is and what his priorities are. He has not made in effort to hide or deceive. Clearly, there is an obvious lack of compatibility. Neither he nor the OP are to blame; they are just 2 people with differing values and points of view. The fact that OP is unhappy and yet continues the relationship is an issue with which she has to come to terms.

She does not love the man that he is; she loves the notion of what she would like him to be. That is not love; that is fantasy thinking.[/quote]
Except he hasn't really been consistent, because he has continually pressured OP to prioritise being a "family" with him. This isn't a man simply being clear about his kids always coming first, he wants her to be all in and put him first, which is not consistent with his behaviour.

And as ever, people are not always blameless just because they are "being themselves"

HE really has shown you in a big way, that you don't matter.
The fact he knows you were cooking, that your waiting for him, and he bails out on the most romantic day of the year.
The one day, the only day he should have put you first.