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Original poster

DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

524 replies

tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 10:20

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

OP posts:
pictish · 08/02/2021 13:08

“At her Dad's, my DD14 shares with her 8 year old step sister. They have bunk beds, but my DD does not even have her own drawer there. My DS8 shares with his 10 year old step brother but does have his own wardrobe etc. I have said we could make the third bedroom in to separate areas so they can choose their own decor etc but I've been told no.”

Well HE can bloody pay for it then, can’t he? Anything else is literally spending your money on his son, leaving your kids without.

ThelmaNotLouise · 08/02/2021 13:11

He's expecting you to fund it with your inheritance. Whether you choose to do that is up to you, if you're seeing this as a long-term committed relationship, but for god's sake ring-fence your money with a solicitor.

Frankly though, I wouldn't. He's being manipulative and calling the shots, when it should be a partnership making decisions together.

NotFabulousDarling · 08/02/2021 13:11

I'm sorry but there's enough red flags for a parade with this bloke. He is using you for a house deposit and using his step son to emotionally manipulate you into what he wants. Get your own house with your own money and don't let him spend it for you. I know this isn't AIBU but he's being massively unreasonable. I'm sorry, especially since DS and DSS get on so well.

C152 · 08/02/2021 13:12

@MotherofTerriers

OP, when your inheritance arrives, buy a 3 bedroom house for you and your children. Let him come and stay if he wishes That money is security for you and your kids, don't give it away
This!
Bumblebee1980a · 08/02/2021 13:14

I agree with him. I really don't think they should share for a variety of reasons. Sorry.

VettiyaIruken · 08/02/2021 13:18

If you move in together you will live to regret it

Oldbutstillgotit · 08/02/2021 13:22

Bumblebee1980a

I agree with him. I really don't think they should share for a variety of reasons. Sorry.

Like what ? There’s only a 2 year age difference. This insistence on all children having their own rooms is a relatively new thing .

MusicWithRocksIn1t · 08/02/2021 13:22

My 2 DSS 14 and 12 share a room when here for half the school holidays or long weekends the room belongs to my DS (3) the rest of the time but he has a 'sleep over' in our room when they are here.
They live 3 hours away so before covid we all (6 of us) shared the campervan every other weekend so them sharing a room in a house is far better then the normal.

Suggest you get a sofa bed in the kitchen if he isn't happy about them sharing.

Regardless if you invest your inheritance (i think your plans of putting it into savings is better though)
Make sure you protect your larger deposit with the solicitors.

Have you asked him what he thinks would be a good solution if he is so set on DSS not sharing a room?

ladymary86 · 08/02/2021 13:22

The simple fact is he wants something he can't afford. It's not up to you to bank roll his every whim.

Has he even realised that it also means that your own DS is also missing out on his own room?
If it is that important to him that he's moaning to you about not having your own family home yet, he would accept the circumstances. He's being manipulative. Personally, I would be shelving the moving in plans.
If DSS was with him 50% of the time, I would understand his point of view but for the sake of a very small number of nights a week, it would definitely be a no from me.

Ragwort · 08/02/2021 13:24

Agree with everyone else, why the need to live together ... you only have to read the many threads on here about blended families to know that it is rarely straightforward.

Keep your separate homes and carry on dating if you still want to see him.

He sounds far too interested in the financial benefits of moving in together rather than genuinely wanting what's best for you and all the children.

NettleTea · 08/02/2021 13:26

I think the fact that, given your 'example' you are putting 2 1/2 x the deposit into place, he really isnt in a position to dictate what happens.

This is a big red flag to me

In your shoes, I would hang onto your deposit (which i suspect is higher than the £25K you give as an 'example') wait for your inheritance, and buy on your own.

NettleTea · 08/02/2021 13:27

especially given that his DS is only with you for a fraction of the time

WildfirePonie · 08/02/2021 13:27

Stay put OP. Do not rush into anything with this man.. There is no need for you to be stressed about this, just put it all on hold forever a while.

Lorw · 08/02/2021 13:28

If you go ahead with this please protect your financial investment if you’re putting more money in. I know someone who moved in with her partner and put more into the house deposit as she had children, didn’t protect it and he cheated and walked away with half. Horrible.

Dragongirl10 · 08/02/2021 13:31

MotherofTerriers

OP, when your inheritance arrives, buy a 3 bedroom house for you and your children. Let him come and stay if he wishes
That money is security for you and your kids, don't give it away

This!

THIS x 100^^^

SingingWaffleDoggy · 08/02/2021 13:32

I’m baffled by the fact that DSS ‘NEEDS’ a room to himself for the 6 nights a month that he stays, rather than sharing?
Yes, there is an element of the resident sibling allowing the non-resident to stay, but in truth and from a practical perspective, providing they both have adequate storage space and can personalize their space to their individual preferences I don’t see an issue with this at all.
If it were up to your DP to solely provide the money to finance this spare bedroom I bet he wouldn’t be half as insistent about it!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 08/02/2021 13:35

OP, when your inheritance arrives, buy a 3 bedroom house for you and your children. Let him come and stay if he wishes
That money is security for you and your kids, don't give it away

I strongly agree with this.

WhatKatyDidNxt · 08/02/2021 13:35

Nah. Stick with 3 beds and rest into savings. Always interesting when people demand stuff but then don’t expect to have to put their hand in their pocket. Or if possible just buy on your own. Lots of children share, my father had to share a room and a bed with his brother! They both coped fine

Radio4Rocks · 08/02/2021 13:37

Tell hi either DSS shares or that's that - no living together - stay as you are. He's after your money, OP.

TheyIsMyFamily · 08/02/2021 13:38

Do not use your inheritance to buy a larger house than you need because your partner wants something he can't afford. And you can't afford this. That money isn't there for your partner; it's there for you and your own DCs. How would you feel ploughing it into a house and then splitting up down the line and your partner claims his 'half' of it.

The sensible solution IS for 8 and 10 year old boys to share a room ... and it's sonly part time at that.

If he can't see sense, then I wouldn't plan to be moving in together at all going ahead. And don't even consider marriage to him.

pictish · 08/02/2021 13:38

“If it were up to your DP to solely provide the money to finance this spare bedroom I bet he wouldn’t be half as insistent about it.”

Agree.

Disfordarkchocolate · 08/02/2021 13:40

I'd be very wary he's got his eyes on your inheritance. 3 bedrooms is fine for the children.

aSofaNearYou · 08/02/2021 13:41

Tbh I would be telling him I'd expect him to contribute more towards the Bills of a 4 bed house to account for the increase in mortgage payments, given there is no real reason why two similarly aged, same sex children who get on cannot share a bedroom. It is simply an excessive expense unless you are genuinely financially comfortable enough to afford a 4 bed.

Do not use your inheritance.

AOwlAOwlAOwl · 08/02/2021 13:41

Agree with others that he's hoping your inheritance is going to be used to pick up the shortfall on a 4 bed.

But the long and short of it is that he wants your money to be spent on a room which will only be used 6 nights a month.

It's not a great investment, if you take out the emotion of what it's going to be used for.

I'd be tempted to buy your family a 3 bed in the meantime.

VinterKvinna · 08/02/2021 13:42

If it is only 10/25k, then thats not so much

But why are you buying with a man you haven't even lived with? And especially when you cant even agree on something basic like number of rooms

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