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Step-parenting

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Original poster

DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

524 replies

tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 10:20

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

OP posts:
Santaiscovidfree · 08/02/2021 14:44

Give him suggestions how he can raise the cash he needs for his ds's bedroom..

MadCattery · 08/02/2021 14:44

You don’t really know a person until you live with him/her. It’s possible you won’t actually be compatible anyway. I wouldn’t risk such a big joint purchase with someone I had never lived with. Like jumping off a cliff, blindfolded. I agree with your idea of waiting until all of the children are older, and perhaps your DP will be able to save enough to split the down payment evenly. You need to lock up the inheritance completely. And, I would get advice from a lawyer/solicitor on legal ramifications. Questions like, if you die, where would your children go and who would get your half of the house? Could you rent a four bed together for a while and see if he pays his half and does his half of the chores?

NettleTea · 08/02/2021 14:47

Interesting isnt it, that mums are quite happy and capable of looking after their kids and living on their own. But dads seem to want to find someone to replace mum.

Its no surprise that men are happier married, and women are happier single

I wonder what benefits you both think you will get from living together? As I see it you have far more to lose than he does here, given that women seem to pick up the slack/majority of housework/mental load

Does your DP pull his weight at your place generally - does he cook/wash up/orgainse things for when his DS is there. Does he assume that as your kids are FT and youd have to clean/wash etc anyway, that you will carry on doing it all?

Does he try to parent your kids?

I think its telling that he is pushing while you are actually quite content as things are. Dont let him railroad you because it will make his life easier

WildfirePonie · 08/02/2021 14:49

Nah, he's after your money. Stay where you are OP, or buy a 3 bed, without him. He can visit if he likes. Keep your money safe for your own family.

ContessaDiPulpo · 08/02/2021 14:50

OP, have you said to him that this is what you're doing with the inheritance? As in 'This is what I intend to do with my money', full stop? That will influence matters. Although I have to say I'd be reconsidering my relationship with someone whom I had to have that conversation with if they couldn't be relied upon to say 'Sure, of course, it's your money and it should be used however you think best'.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 08/02/2021 14:51

He's steam rolling you!
You need to protect your children - what happens if you buy a house as joint tenants and something happens to you? Your partner would automatically inherit your share and your children would have nothing.
It's not for him to decide that you need to live together. As a parent you need to do what is in your children's best interests. I think that would be living separately and keeping your own finances.
I always think it's a massive mistake to throw your lot in with a partner when you already have DC to protect and this man sounds like he wants things all his own way and wants to do it with your money. He won't prioritise your kids if the worst happened, so you must!

Imloosingmyshit · 08/02/2021 14:51

I’m not sure you should be moving in together. There’s a deeper issue here than his son having his own room I think. Maybe you guys need to talk?

ContessaDiPulpo · 08/02/2021 14:57

Further to the above, I think if I were you I'd try and make him say it first. Next time he complains say 'Yes, you keep saying as if there's something I can do about it. Why is that? Are you expecting me to solve this problem?' Then maybe follow up with 'You realise my inheritance money is going into ISAs for my kids, right? As in, it's not going to be available for a house purchase.'

Bet that would be a tumbleweed moment....

Floridaflipflops · 08/02/2021 15:03

@ladymary86

The simple fact is he wants something he can't afford. It's not up to you to bank roll his every whim.

Has he even realised that it also means that your own DS is also missing out on his own room?
If it is that important to him that he's moaning to you about not having your own family home yet, he would accept the circumstances. He's being manipulative. Personally, I would be shelving the moving in plans.
If DSS was with him 50% of the time, I would understand his point of view but for the sake of a very small number of nights a week, it would definitely be a no from me.

This.

^^^

notalwaysalondoner · 08/02/2021 15:05

No way would I be waiting for what could be years to get a bedroom for a child that is there a few nights a month. Especially considering that the boys are close in age, it just doesn't make sense. In an ideal world, yes, but we don't live in an ideal world. Have you actually asked DSS what he thinks about sharing? I'd understand if he really hated the idea but if he's excited by it then go for it. Sharing rooms was completely normal until incredibly recently. I agree with what others have said though - the best option would be if you could find a 3 bed with e.g. a dining room/study/extra large bedroom so you could convert it into a small room for him if in future sharing became an issue.

Floridaflipflops · 08/02/2021 15:06

Also you need to make sure any money you put in that house is protected for your kids.

DinoHat · 08/02/2021 15:07

@tiredandaccidentprone

We have discussed this constantly for the past few weeks. He won't budge on DSS not having his own room. We can only just afford a 3 bed. I have explained that this means we will not be able to move in together for quite a while yet he still keeps going on like I'm able to fix the problem!
Well then, frankly he needs to pay the difference in rent. I don’t see that “saving” will make any difference. It won’t be an additional short term expense, but a long term one.

Why does he think DSS needs to have his own room?

What’s the difference in rent? I’d calculate that over the year and divide it per night DSS will actually occupy it.

Lbnc2021 · 08/02/2021 15:14

Threads like this just reinforce the reasons why I will never ‘blend’ my family with another, or even live with another man.

yvanka · 08/02/2021 15:15

So he has announced that a) DSS must have his own bedroom and b) that he doesn't want to wait. Expecting you to just sort it.

You should take a step back from the whole process and tell him to come up with a solution that he's happy with, it's not your job. Otherwise you are buying a 3 bed house alone.

Mamasaurus123 · 08/02/2021 15:26

Just 4 nights a month?! He can sleep on a pull out bed or on the sofa for that little time?! What's his whole bedroom to himself going to do for the rest of the month , just be empty. Waste of space. Sounds like DP is waiting to use your inheritance. I'd just sort you and your children out and let DP sort himself out, or come to his senses. But please keep yours and your kids inheritance protected!

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/02/2021 15:26

All mouth and no trousers.

He wants a lot, not willing to pay for it. I agree with PPs, buy a lovely 3 bed on your own.

Muskox · 08/02/2021 15:30

So he's the one who's keener to move in together, and yet he's the one who's not prepared to compromise on number of bedrooms. He can't have it both ways! Either he agrees about bedrooms or he stops moaning!

OP, don't do anything with your inheritance without protecting it for your DC. Either continue with your current plan, or if you do put it towards a house, see a solicitor to make sure it is properly ring fenced for your DC.

Berthatydfil · 08/02/2021 15:31

He wants you all to be a “proper family”
Does that mean
one that makes joint decisions according to the needs and resources of “the family”
Or
One where the “wife/mum” takes on all the childcare, mental load, etc

Santaiscovidfree · 08/02/2021 15:32

Well you won't have a chance of being a proper family when his ds will be getting special treatment... Op's dc don't have a room each in each dps houses...

nitsandwormsdodger · 08/02/2021 15:35

Will step son have same isa as you are planning for your children ?

Frazzled2207 · 08/02/2021 15:35

@tiredandaccidentprone

I'm due to receive some inheritance at some point in the near future. Not a huge amount, but enough. My plan was to put some into savings and then put the remainder in to my DC's ISA's. DP hasn't said outright, but I get the feeling he is expecting me to put all of the money in to the house deposit (for a 4 bed).
oh dear this does not look good I'm afraid. I was coming on to say 'he's making excuses to not move in together' before I read this. IMO he is being unreasonable if both boys are willing to share and it's for a few nights a month maximum. That said it's quite possible that both boys might be less happy with the arrangement in a few years time and in a sense it might make sense to wait until you can afford a 4bed. IF the inheritance materialises then suggest you try and buy the house in your name only or have some kind of agreement drawn up that when you sell the house, you get the same proportion of money out of it that you put in.
MrsTerryPratchett · 08/02/2021 15:37

@nitsandwormsdodger

Will step son have same isa as you are planning for your children ?
I assume he will if his parents arrange it.
Original poster
tiredandaccidentprone · 08/02/2021 15:39

@nitsandwormsdodger I'm not sure whether DSS has an ISA set up or not.

OP posts:
C8H10N4O2 · 08/02/2021 15:41

DP, however, seems to think that we can't be a 'proper family' unless we all live together

Well that's his call. He wants to be Disney dad in the big house. There is no earthly reason why two boys close in age can't share a room for a few nights a month. Stick to your own place until he grows out of Disney dad phase.

PlanDeRaccordement · 08/02/2021 15:47

Its no surprise that men are happier married, and women are happier single

That’s only true if the woman is child free. Check the studies.

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