DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

[tiredandaccidentprone]

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

I tend to agree.
If you pay the piper you can call the tune.
If HE insists on a separate room for HIS child then HE MUST PAY.
He is showing inclinations towards cocklodging and Disney dad-ing - red flags in my opinion.

If you can afford to buy a house that would suit you and your dcs, go ahead and do that. (Putting your inheritance into a home for you and your dcs is a good move, when they are adults and moved out you could downsize to a flat and give them a lump sum each, but it will mean that now they and you would have security).

Is he maybe trying to make you feel like you're in a corner with all this guilt and the only way out is to give up the money? I do get the idea of having a safe 'owned' space for each child so they feel at home but its mostly beside the point in this scenario as your main issue is DP. If he has rigid demands and expectations, he needs to take responsibility and get the money to facilitate them himself. His attitude, whether conscious or not isn't a sign of someone you'd want to make serious financial commitments with (and may have implications on how he deals with other relationship issues). If he's making you feel bad in this scenario and you're not even living together yet, imagine what it could be like with issues that come up in the future when its harder to get out and you're financially invested. Stick with your plan about the inheritance- protect yours and your own children's financial future and consider buying a lovely new house on your own. Have him and Ds to stay so you're still all together and close, keep it light, relaxed abd fun with 0 unecessary big financial pressures between you.

1. He sees your son as a lesser being than his son. There's nothing wrong with boys sharing a room.

2. He's got his eyes on your inheritance and is playing the long game by wearing you down with his moaning so you put that money down for a bigger house.

3. He sounds a bit shit based on the above so I'd rethink this relationship and move on if I were you.

I’d not put in 15k more and then add in inheritance as well unless it is legally written up to be able to take out the same % in equity if and when you split up.
You need to front it out when he next says it.
So Fred, where is the extra money coming from? I’m already putting in more than double your deposit? Any ideas on the extra x amount because there is nothing more going in the pot from me.
I guess there is an element that your kids have their own rooms and his doesn’t but the inheritance shouldn’t be used.

I should probably mention that out of the 4-6 nights my DP has his DS, usually half of those days my DS is at his Dad's so they would technically only have to share the room for maybe 2/3 nights a month.

There is so much more to this than just making the decision whether to buy a 3 or 4 bedroom house ... why are you so desperate to buy together if you've never lived together ? Do you really want to blend your families? What if at some point your DSS chooses to live with you?

Please think very, very carefully about the whole situation.

@Ragwort To be honest I think I would be ok if we continued to live separately until all the DC were older. DP, however, seems to think that we can't be a 'proper family' unless we all live together.

I don't think it's unreasonable for him to want a room for DSS, especially if it's buying rather than renting. They may not get on as well in a few years and it's not easy to undo a decision like buying a house with someone. Of course it is unreasonable to manipulate you into covering the cost of that and it may change whether you want to buy together at all if he can't match your deposit or afford his share of the mortgage.

I should probably mention that out of the 4-6 nights my DP has his DS, usually half of those days my DS is at his Dad's so they would technically only have to share the room for maybe 2/3 nights a month.

This just makes his argument all the more ridiculous.

@MotherofTerriers

OP, when your inheritance arrives, buy a 3 bedroom house for you and your children. Let him come and stay if he wishes That money is security for you and your kids, don't give it away

This. All day long. If uou need to compromise on a top notch sofa bed or have a dining room with a day bed in so the step child gets some privacy when they stay, so be it. But do not blow your inheritance on a bedroom for a step child that stays a few times per month.

You say you're happy to continue living separately until the kids are older, so do that. Don't be railroaded, do what's best for your and your kids.

So for 4 or 6 nights a month the bedroom will be used, and apart from that stands empty?

He’s having a laugh. Either he coughs up the difference for a 4 bed or you don’t do anything

Personally I would be buying a house on my own, a 3 bed if that’s all I could afford and leave him to sort his own living arrangements out. Not everyone in real life gets a room if their own, lots of children have to share and it does them no harm,as you know from your own children

I would be seriously rethinking the relationship, he is asking you to fork out for his child to stay 4 to 6 nights a month by buying a house you can’t afford. The answers no

Well no, you won't be a proper family. Your family will be you and your dcs and he will be "mums boyfriend" not "my step dad" to your dcs. You will be "dads girlfriend" not "my step mum".

If you keep separate houses you won't be blending your families. You might move in together when they are all grown up, but that will be different as neither of you will be taking on a step parent role in the lives of the other one's dcs.

A lot of couples do this. Its not odd and not a given you have to move in together and become a blended family.

I wonder why your DP is so keen for you to be a 'proper family' is it so he can get a mortgage, helped by your input, and have a 'wife' to do all the household chores .... if you are happy as you are then don't buy a house with him.

I don’t think this is quite as simple as it’s being made out. I think you’re both going about this wrong, by not having a sensible adult discussion. You (and most PP) are assuming he’s after your inheritance, and he may be, but you don’t actually know that because you haven’t had an adult discussion about it.

Ultimately, you will have your two children living with you both most of the time, so it is right you contribute more to housing and other ongoing costs on that basis. You also have two children to his one. Again, you should be contributing more.

Exactly how much more is a matter for discussion - how did you come to the current agreed position regarding the deposit and what have you agreed for ongoing costs ? What was the basis in which you agreed it ?

Someone upthread mentioned a 60:40 split based on there being three in your family and two in his, but then is that fair if his child doesn’t get his own room and is barely there ? I wouldn’t think so if I was him. Looking at it like that I’d say maybe costs should be more like 75:25 split, as the DSS is there so infrequently with no space of his own he’s more like a visitor anyway, with this being reconsidered once the children move out or if there is a chance of circumstances (for example if your DSS moves in or stays more).

I know you say your DS will share also, but it will really be his room as he’s there most of the time, no matter how much you think (with a logical adult head) it won’t be. Kids don’t always feel like how you think they should and your DSS will feel more like a guest than he should. And what if he falls out with your DS ? Not having his own space will impact on how often he wants to visit his dad and could destroy that relationship.

You’ve also not mentioned the background much, but when I was younger I knew not a single person with shared bedrooms (although I acknowledge I was privileged). I think it depends what the children are used to.

There is no wrong or right answer, but this is why I do not understand why people want to “blend” families. It’s fraught with problems and worries. However, the more I think about it the more I think if you want to stick with a 3 bed you should be paying closer to 75% of the costs associated with it. If it’s to be a 4 bed, then more the 60:40 split with deposit / mortgage payments, but with a reduction in running costs for your DP as his son isn’t there much.

And any purchases should be done with legal advice to protect both your assets.

However, the fact the pair of you can’t seem to have a straightforward conversation about this and you questioning his motives leads me to think you shouldn’t be moving in together at all, or if you feel you must, then you should just rent to try it out first.

they would technically only have to share the room for maybe 2/3 nights a month.

In that case two boys 2 years apart should definitely share. If I was you I'd be telling him that he will have to save up the difference between a 3 and 4 bed because it is him pushing for it when it doesn't make financial sense.

Something tells me this is related to him wanting your money. This is a new relationship in the grand scheme of life OP. Three years is nothing especially in the world of step parenting with preteens coming together. You'll learn much more about each other by living together. I would rent together first to ensure you actually like the man you live with before you buy and protect your assets. I'm a step parent and this was advice I got.

Sorry Op, but I wonder if he really wants to move in together. And with that attitude, I'd be wondering whether you'd want to do it either!

Do not move in with him. He is being completely unreasonable making demands and expecting you to pay for them. 3 bed for you and your kids, cheeky fucker can visit.

The OP says the two boys have squabbles. This is without even being forced to share a room. They are 8 and 10. So one will be starting GCSEs soon and really should have a separate room where they can study ALONE. The fact that the DSS would only be there a few nights a month while the DS is away only makes it worse idea to share in my opinion. The DS will be away and wondering if the DSS is going through his stuff. His private stuff while he is not there. The DSS will feel weird occupying someone else’s room like a guest just crashing there and won’t have his own space in the house at all.

It sends the message to the DSS- no too, for you. And to the DS- no privacy for you.

• No room for you, not too sorry

@tiredandaccidentprone

I'm due to receive some inheritance at some point in the near future. Not a huge amount, but enough. My plan was to put some into savings and then put the remainder in to my DC's ISA's. DP hasn't said outright, but I get the feeling he is expecting me to put all of the money in to the house deposit (for a 4 bed).

If he came to me and asked me to put my inheritance into giving his child their own room so it could be used 4 x a month I'd tell him fuck that for a game of soldiers. I'll stay living in my own hom with my own kids. He's being unreasonable.

@PlanDeRaccordement They rarely have squabbles, just now and again like normal siblings do. DSS can be a little difficult sometimes. My DS is the most laid back child ever, so he definitely wouldn't mind sharing his room with anyone!

He wants you to put all your inheritance money towards a 4 bed house, that’s why he won’t let it go. He isn’t satisfied with you putting in a larger deposit, he wants it all.
I would be very wary of entering into any financial ties with someone like this.

It’s a very odd attitude to have. I imagine that for most families where their children are the same ages as your blended family then in a three bedroom house the bedroom sharing goes parents, two boys sharing, girl in single room. Why your partner thinks his son needs his own room for a few nights a month is a mystery. What are his sleeping arrangements when he is with his mother?

Warning note, if you do manage to put savings into your children’s accounts you do know you will be pressured to do the same for DSS as well don’t you?