DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

[tiredandaccidentprone]

For a bit of background, I've been with DP for 3 years. Both currently renting separately. I have DD14 and DS8, DP has DSS10.

We've been discussing moving in this year as both of our tenancy agreements are coming to an end. All kids get on well (the 2 boys have the odd squabble but nothing major!).

We can only afford a 3 bed so I was under the impression that the 2 boys would share. DP has DSS 4-6 overnights a month, plus a few dinners. My DC share rooms with their step siblings when they are at their Dad's house and have no problem with that. DS8 was quite excited at the prospect of sharing with DSS10 for a few nights a month.

DP has now turned around and said that DSS must have his own bedroom. I've said that the difference between a 3 and a 4 bed is huge and we simply can not afford it. His answer is then well we need to keep saving to get a house with 4 beds. I say ok, and then the next day he is moaning about the fact that we don't have a 'family home' yet.

I just don't know what to do. It is going to be a long way off until we can afford a 4 bed but DP is constantly going on about the fact we don't live together.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking, I'm just getting stressed out by the constant moaning!

I can see his point. When his Ds comes to stay it will be like he is sharing the room of another child whose room it is permanently. He will be like a visitor and won't have ownership of his space. The other DS is likely to resent having someone in his space when he doesn't normally.

I’m going to come right out and say it. There’s not a man on this planet I could be persuaded to blend families for.
I like kids...I work with children, I have three of my own. My interest in moving in with someone else’s kids, even on a part time basis, is precisely zero. I’ll be dad’s girlfriend, sure. I never want to be a stepparent. In your circumstances I wouldn’t do it.

That’s me though...I’m not telling you how to live or anything. I’m just saying, there’s no rule says you HAVE to move in together.

He’s whinging because that’s part of his manipulation.

I think given your updates I would not be in a rush to move in with him. Put it back on him. Since you are happy for a 3 bed, ask him how he is going to make a 4 bed affordable. It's his problem, not yours.

The inheritance and how he and DSS can benefit from it is definitely uppermost in his mind.

Don't buy anywhere with him OP, buy for you and your family only.

I would up front ask him and say- I get the feeling you’re wanting me to use my inheritance money to fund the extra bedroom?

@LemmysAceCard let's not forget the OP has two children...its not the DPs fault. If the OP had one child then a 3 bed would be fine!

OP, I would NOT use any of the inheritance on a 4 bed unless I could ring fence it in any way. What I would do is question if this relationship is one you want to be in if you think that that is his motivation. That would be enough for me and it'd be over.

But, I see nothing wrong with a DF wanting to give his son a place of his own in what will be his house too...albeit for 4-6 nights a month.

What figures are we looking at OP? What is your inheritance/differences in deposit/is there any disparity in incomes?

[quote MorningNinja]@LemmysAceCard let's not forget the OP has two children...its not the DPs fault. If the OP had one child then a 3 bed would be fine!

OP, I would NOT use any of the inheritance on a 4 bed unless I could ring fence it in any way. What I would do is question if this relationship is one you want to be in if you think that that is his motivation. That would be enough for me and it'd be over.

But, I see nothing wrong with a DF wanting to give his son a place of his own in what will be his house too...albeit for 4-6 nights a month.

What figures are we looking at OP? What is your inheritance/differences in deposit/is there any disparity in incomes?[/quote]
@MorningNijnja and lets not forget that the OP is paying a bigger deposit to offset her 2 kids moving in also.

Pardon me if I’ve got the wrong end of the stick, but why are you thinking of buying a house with a man you’ve never lived with? Suggest renting first to see how you all get on when you’re together 24/7, that’s much easier to deal with if it all goes wrong.

Buy a house for you and your children, please.

Whatever you decide OP please promise you will have EVERYTHING done to legally protect yourself and your children financially. Make sure what each person puts in is documented and that I'm the event of a split each gets out what they put in percentage wise. Even if you ever choose to get married, have a prenup. Please please please. Anyone who refuses to agree to this is not someone to trust. We all know that the sweetest relationships can sour. After all, you loved tour DC father once. Remember?

If you're sick of the subject tell DP and see whether he respects that. Might be some indication of his general willingness to listen and compromise...

So you're putting more deposit in than him & he's got his eyes on using your inheritance to get a bigger house.....
That's a right cocklodger if ever there was one.
Buy a 3 bed house in your name only for you & your DCs - he & his son can come visit. Please keep your finances separate - he seems to be spending your inheritance before you've even received it.

@lemmysAceCard Sorry, I must've missed the part where the OP stated the amount. I have asked her to clarify.

Without knowing deposit/inheritance/salaries its impossible to say if the DPs intentions are anything more than looking after his DS. We could be talking a difference in deposit of £5k and a deposit of £10k!

Just read your update. I hadn't realised he was possibly pressurising for your inheritance. It doesn't sound ideal as a move anyway but if you do, as others say, you need to be tenants in common in unequal shares with a deed that shows what happens if you split to protect your greater share of the house and what happens if you split in terms of who moves. If this isn't possible then definitely don't buy with him. It s doesn't sound ideal OP.

OP, you say that he hasn't said outright what he thinks about your inheritance. He should not have any expectations about your inheritance. You are bringing 60% of the household occupants, and he is bringing 40% of the occupants. If you divide your contributions on a 60/40 ratio things would be relatively equal.

Financial compatibility is , in my opinion, one of the things that should be considered and evaluated before living together and certainly before making a joint property purchase.

@marly11

I can see his point. When his Ds comes to stay it will be like he is sharing the room of another child whose room it is permanently. He will be like a visitor and won't have ownership of his space. The other DS is likely to resent having someone in his space when he doesn't normally.

I suspect the fact that OP's own kids share with their step sibs when they visit their dad makes them very sensitive to this point; they're likely to be kids for whom this arrangement will naturally work better than for other kids. And there are relatively simple ways to help around it - such as own furniture / decoration of their area etc etc

It's ridiculous to put off moving in for ages so you can afford an extra room which will be empty for all except 6 nights a month.

Your DP is being unreasonable and tbh I would just let him keep complaining if you're happy in your current living situation. Please don't pump all your inheritance into securing an unnecessary bedroom.

At her Dad's, my DD14 shares with her 8 year old step sister. They have bunk beds, but my DD does not even have her own drawer there. My DS8 shares with his 10 year old step brother but does have his own wardrobe etc. I have said we could make the third bedroom in to separate areas so they can choose their own decor etc but I've been told no.

I don't really want to go in to specific figures for fear of being outed, but the difference in deposit currently would be 10k from DP and 25k from me (for example).

OP I wouldn't do it then.

If your DP is insisting on this then I would let him get on with trying to save up the extra funds.

YOU are happy to compromise for your own DS so I can't see why he's unhappy with the same. It's not like you're saying you want your own two to have rooms of their own but not his son.

“How old will your son be by the time you have saved up for a bedroom for him, darling?”

I have seen friends move in together with DC and things go sour. Then it’s a long drawn out unsettling experience to separate again.

All the long lasting relationships are where they each have their own places and have sleepovers. Each date is fresh and exciting.

Think long and hard before doing something that’s going to be a life changer. Plenty of good advice on here OP

DP won't let DS and DSS share a room

I have said we could make the third bedroom in to separate areas so they can choose their own decor etc but I've been told no.

Sounds very much like your DH is in charge. Why is that?

Sorry, DP.

My plan was to put some into savings and then put the remainder in to my DC's ISA's

Stick to that plan, you need to consider your DC and your futures.

There is no earthly reason why children 2 yrs apart cannot share a room. Its absolutely normally just about everywhere except on MN in my experience. Even here its a subset of posters who think that children sharing rooms is some kind of human rights violation.