Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

it’s really her DH who’s created this crisis by not having the court reviewed/ revised when he lost the business
This is the key point. The private schooling should have stopped years ago. OP should not have been sacrificing.

OP in your shoes I’d insist on separate finances. Let him fund his own child if he can afford it. Out of his own pocket, without your income and sacrifices.

Except it is, when they're the first child. It's ok to put him first. Not ok for op to put her child first.
OP’s child IS her first child. Her DH has another child. She doesn’t. It’s always ok to put your own child first.

This is madness, if you can keep your step son in the school for one more year to finish his education that would be ideal. His x wife does need to be asked to contribute and understand how difficult things are financially. However sadly it dosen't sound sustainable for either child to be in private education. Your husband needs to face the reality of your financial situation. It's really not fair the x wife contributes nothing financially.

@Glenorma

Except it is, when they're the first child. It's ok to put him first. Not ok for op to put her child first. OP’s child IS her first child. Her DH has another child. She doesn’t. It’s always ok to put your own child first.

Oh yeah I agree I think op should put her child first, just some posters think the only child who should be put first is the step child.

@usernc76482

Oh did not expect this thread to blow up Just trying to catch up on messages now.

It hasn't always been like this for us, once upon a time there was enough money to go around for everyone but that's now no longer the case after a business loss a few years back where we lost everything (inc. our house) and we are rebuilding our finances from zero. We keep thinking "this will be our year" "we can make it work this year if we just cut back on xyz" but unfortunately it's not the way our cards were dealt.

DH really doesn't want to take his son out of a school he loves and that means we have to continue making sacrifices and compromising our lifestyle (we already haven't been on holiday for over 4 years), whilst ExW continues to live comfortably, she didn't have to sell her car, or not have time off/holiday etc. (Yes I'm bitter!) So I will have to uproot my children to live somewhere cheaper and smaller again, continue to make do without a car, take DC1 out of school... and just hope we can make the business work and in a couple of years we will have choices again 🤞🏼

Your restarting your finances from 0? Then why are you sending your child to a private school as well? If you knew your financial position was precarious. Obviously your husband has legal obligations, but it doesn't explain why you would financially cripple yourselves even further knowing full well you cannot afford to.

It sounds like if my child can't have it then neither can he ( your SS) even though your SS would suffer greatly if he was taken out now. Compared to your child who doesn't need to be at private school at such a young age.

Sadly even if the OP is working that money will be taken into account when deciding if her DH can pay DSS's fees. He'd need to bath the order in any event. There is no quick fix as it's court ordered. He should have varied the order when his business first collapsed.

She doesn't want to support him doing what is obviously the sensible thing to do, and for his own son, and which he does actually want to do.
Why is DH’s desire to privately educate his child more important than OP’s desire to privately educate her child? I disagree that it’s “the sensible thing” to pay for DSS. The sensible thing for OP is to prioritise her own child.

And she obviously doesn't have a moment's concern for her stepson.
Not necessarily true. She just puts her own child first. That doesn’t mean she has no concern for DSS. Just that he rightly comes second to her own flesh and blood.

@FedUpAtHomeTroels

Hang on a minute. You as the Step mother are being expected to make financial sacrifices. Is the Step father also being asked to make financial sacrificies? It only seems fair.

Why would he be-he's not living with someone who is bound by a court order that they probably should have tried to change some years ago but didn't!

It is absolutely NOT ok always to put your own child first. What an immoral thing to say.

@Goingtothebudgies

It is absolutely NOT ok always to put your own child first. What an immoral thing to say.

Why? Do you tend to put other people's children above your own?

Sadly even if the OP is working that money will be taken into account when deciding if her DH can pay DSS's fees
I’m not sure that’s correct. OP isn’t liable to pay for her husband’s son. They need separate finances asap because he’s taking the piss.

It is absolutely NOT ok always to put your own child first. What an immoral thing to say.
You’re as mad as a box of frogs. Everyone puts their own flesh and blood first.

Pull your child out, pay for dss to finish his 6th form if you pull him out me and send him somewhere the courses are completely different and you will be messing with his future it's just for one more year you'll manage

I am so new to Mumsnet but the second family woman commenting on this thread 😂 🍋

Aww nice try.

"Not necessarily true. She just puts her own child first. That doesn’t mean she has no concern for DSS. Just that he rightly comes second to her own flesh and blood."

But in this case, if one lot of fees can be afforded, them the daughter would just miss one year of pre prep?

But Op wants both there or neither.

It's not as if her kid could never go to private school!

The thing is OP, when the business went belly up, that was the time to pull the DSS from school, or start negotiating with exW about 6th form.
Having chosen to continue with private for 6th form (rather than go back to court and show finances were no longer viable for private) you are committed really.

Can you

• pull your own DC from private
• ask the step-Dad to pay some of next years fees if he can and then repay over say 3 years using the money not spent on pre-prep fees (which I am guessing are much less than 6th form).

You cannot possibly compare the education of a 4 year old with that of a 17 year old!
Pull your own child out and let the poor lad benefit from his final months of school.

Taking the yr12 DSS would be so wrong and a recipe for disaster regarding his A levels and self esteem! Also it could effect his relationship with his step sister due to resentment in years to come .The 4 year old will be fine at a local primary school! DH should communicate with ex wife and get her to help with the fees .

*No. You need to read again. They can afford school fees, but they want to stop paying for the 17 year old so that they can send a 4 year old.

If they wanted to stop because they didn't have the money for school fees, that would be a different thread*

Actually, it did say something along those lines in the OP, but she then went on to say the money wasn't really there without them making sacrifices including moving. I think clarification on that would make a big difference to this would make a big difference to how fair the situation is. I don't think it was ever a good idea to stick to funding any of them to go to private school if it would mean sacrifices on that level.

It is absolutely NOT ok always to put your own child first. What an immoral thing to say.

It’s immoral to put them second in favour of a stepchild when you have a parental obligation towards your own.

In answer to the question, it wouldn't even occur to me to take my stepson out of school in these circumstances. Wouldn't even cross my mind. It's so obvious that he needs to stay in school till the end of 6th form. I would also not have sent my DD to private school in these circumstances, because it was obvious that the family can't afford it. I would have considered taking the stepson out of school after GCSE's if a good state 6th form was available, in full discussion with his father, obviously. It's too late for that now.
People who believe that it is somehow morally right to sacrifice all around you (even your husband's child) for the slightest interests of your own child are the mad ones in my view. Trumplike personalities. I doubt their family lives end well. Their husbands obviously come well down the list of priorities. It's rather like Cinderella and the step mum and sisters.

I don’t blame the OP for wanting to put her own child first.

However I would absolutely blame the OP’s partner - who is parent of both children - for agreeing to her view. In this scenario he should be prioritising his DSS’s remaining school fees above eg private pre prep for DD.

You should talk to the school and see if there's anything they can do - extend the payment plan, provide a bursary.