Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

Since it has gotten this far, I would pull out the youngest child until the older child finished school. It is just one more year and it would be very disruptive to pull him out now.

Then you can put the youngest back if you want to.

Honestly to me this is a no brainer that you would keep the older child at their school and move the younger one to a public school. You cannot possibly equate the education of a year 12 student with one in reception! And honestly take a hard look at all your values which have children in expensive schools when the family is still renting. It’s ridiculous!

My brother has privately educated his children from his first marriage because that was an agreed part of the divorce settlement. His children from his second marriage attend public school because they can’t afford to privately educate them and pay a big mortgage. His second wife knew the situation when she married him so that’s the way it has to be.

Sorry should have said state school not public school. In Australia we call them public schools because they are for everyone

Just for the sake of continuity I would keep DSS at his school till his A levels are done and take younger child out. It won’t make too much of a difference to her in these early stages but it most likely will to him.
You can reassess once DSS is finished school.
Maybe his mum can help out in some way till then?

If it is court mandated, I very doubt you have got much of a choice. The courts mandated that I lived in London, despite being 12k in debt and had a letter through telling me I was being evicted for non payment of rent because I had no money. I could have moved up north and lived rent free with family. The courts didn't care. And I doubt they will see you as not being able to afford. You can afford, but it would mean changing your lifestyle. I'm sorry but I find it incredibly selfish. You obviously knew about his Dss when you got together, and you knew about these payments I assume, when you had a child together. And now you want to change his school for the last 18 months so that his little sister can, what, avoid playing with the council house kids? I really feel sorry for the other kid. It must be incredibly shit to be in a household where there's a favourite child. If neither child can afford, that's different and it's a conversation that needs to be had with mum as well, but if income is the issue here, then you'll have to pull out DD as well.

If you’re dh stops paying fees (under the assumption courts can’t do anything), he could find himself back at court very quickly with an attachment of earnings order slapped on to his pay and court fees on top.

Also agree that if it's a choice you absolutely do pay for DSS over your DC. Pulling him out in Y12 is going to have a major impact on his A-level results and so his life. I question in your situation why your DC is in private school at all - it doesn't sound like this is a sudden change but has been unaffordable for a while.

I don't know what the relationship is like with the ex-wife but this is one where you have to speak to them to decide what to do if you can't afford DSS's fees even if you take your DC out of private (I assume the DC fees are far less than for DSS). I also agree with talking to the school.

But my underlying point is yes I would downsize rather than changing a Y12's school. Will that save enough though? Moving isn't cheap and how much less can you realistically save on rent.

Keep your DSS in the same school for the last year. Send your child to a state school. You are trying to maintain a lifestyle you can’t afford. When DSS leaves school you can reassess

I think you are crazy sending your child to private school when your finances are in such a difficult position. It's very harsh to remove someone from school at this point. I think you would be better fulfilling your commitment to finish your DSS's education and sending your own child to a state school permanently. I know that is not what you want to hear though.

If it affects your quality of life and having to live a frugal life then it would be better to pull DSS out of private school. Circumstances change and if you can no longer afford private education then you need to make the sacrifice and put him in state sixth form or college.

I don’t agree you should all live cash strapped for the next year or two when there’s a perfect solution. Living with no money is horrible for you all including your DD. What if the boiler goes or something else equally costly and essential?

If you can afford private education for one child then he should be the priority.

Of course your DH wants to keep his son in private education but he also has a responsibility to think with his head. It’s horrible when your parents make sacrifices for their child’s betterment but forget the child is aware of all the sacrifices, not having money and the tension.

If you do decide to pull him out then please follow the due process with regards to the court order. This way you’ll be in front of it but if you can’t afford it be honest with the court about the cutbacks you’ve already made and how you can’t afford to make any further.

Why did you choose a pre-prep in the first place? Surely your finances have been like this for a while?

I’d agree with the general consensus that at this point you should do what you can to keep the DSS in his current school. My thoughts would be the same even without a court order.

He’s at a vital stage in his education, he is very settled there (knows teacher, friends etc) and is nearly finished so there’s not long left. To move him would be so traumatic at the end of an already shitty time for kids whose education has been disrupted enough.

Speak to the school as I know many are offering discounts and payment packages / assistance for those struggling. However I’d do what I could to keep him at school at this late stage.

I’m usually one saying all kids in a family should be treated fairly, but in this case the potential detrimental impact on the children as a result of a school move is wildly different and it would not be fair to pull your DSS out of school now.

I’m not sure why you put your own child into private education in the first place though based on your posts, as you’ve said you’ve had a rocky few years financially. I wouldn’t start my kids in private school if I didn’t think I could sustain it for the duration, and it sounds like you clearly can’t for your DD who has many years ahead. I think you’ve made a really bad choice here and I’m not sure why. If my financial situation was bad, I’d have put her into the local primary, kept a close eye on her and moved her for secondary if I could afford it.

You knew what you were getting into here - your DH has/had a long standing (court ordered) financial commitment to pay for his first child’s education. It’s nearly at an end. I get it’s a sacrifice for you, but if you’ve done it this long what is another year ? One of the problems with second families I’m afraid.

I’m afraid I think you should pull your daughter out (at her age she’ll move on quickly and private education really isn’t necessary anyway at that stage) and your DH should honour his obligations to his son.

If he really can’t afford this (as opposed to you not wanting to, which I think is clearly the case here) then it is a different situation and I’d suggesting talking to the ex-wife and her husband. It’s not his job to find this, but for a short term thing he may well help out his DSS/wife .

I think pulling a year 12 student out of their school in the middle of their A levels is much worse than pulling a kid out of private preschool.

If you can afford to send one child to private school then surely it would make the most sense to let your DSS finish his A levels and then you can put your youngest into a private school.

It could also be an option to speak to ex wife and step dad and see if you can all come to some sort of arrangement where everyone chips in?

I just think it would be really shitty to pull a child out of school in the middle of their A levels... but I understand that if no one has the money for it then there aren't any other options.

I'm with the consensus here - it would be awful to pull DSS out mid Alevels unless there was absolutely no way to pay for it. I would speak to the school about a bursary - most private schools have a hardship fund for when finances change, and he's likely to tick a lot of criteria having nearly finished his education, and being at the school for X amount of years. If you can afford one set of fees, I would pull DD out at this stage and put her back in for senior prep (so age 7ish). I was privately educated and DS will be too, but I would personally only do that if we already had owned accommodation etc. Unless the state schools are particularly bad in your area?

The affordability question is confusing. But keeping him there will mean us downsizing (again!!) to a cheaper rental and moving our DC away from an area and community I've grown to love.
Do you mean - keeping both him there and ds in prep? Or do you mean keeping either of them in private school would mean these sacrifices? In whcih case you can’t afford it for either. I would try hard to pay for dss’ final year because that can make a big difference. In contrast, it barely makes a difference whether your child is at school or not much less whcih at that age. I’d put them in a govt school for a few years try and actually save some money as the whole no assets and paying thousands in school fees is ridiculous, and if it matters that much to you move them to private when older as many many other parents do. we will be private schooling ours, but not for primary school because that seems totally unnecessary and also we are not sacrificing the ability to buy a house for this. What are you going to live on when you are 70? 80?

Do you work OP?

Definitely let DSS finish his last year.
Why did you put your DD into private when you’re struggling?
I can’t get my head round sending kids to private school when you don’t even have your own house, either very muddled thinking or some kind of ‘keep up with the Jones’ thinking.

Given how disruptive it would be to make your DSS change schools at this stage (mid way through a levels, in a pandemic...) that should be your absolute last resort and avoided at all costs.

You said you could afford to send one child to private school, so why now this talk of downsizing and renting?

Private preschool isn’t really necessary - you could put your DC back into private education for secondary when it really matters.

This situation is crying out for a conversation between all of the adults, and potentially the school as well.

@Providora

So you met, married and had a child with a man who has committed (through the courts) to paying for his son's private education. Now, with only a year to go and at the most critical time, you want to pull the pin, because you don't think it's fair on your own child who probably didn't exist when this commitment was made?

It all sounds so horribly unfair to the poor boy, to be pulled out of the school his siblings are at and have his final year so disrupted because of his father's decision to have another family.

Very good point.

You cannot pull your dss out now. He would be at a massive disadvantage and probably have to restart next year. As you’ve said, your dh can afford the fees for him so it would be hugely disgusting not to. It may even end their relationship.

Your dc otoh is in reception. No child needs to be in prep for reception. If you are in a non 12+ area, it is better to save the money for private secondary. If in a 12+ area, private prep is better. But it will be fine to start by year 3/4 by which time your dss will have left school. University, however, is another story.

And I agree with others. It is bonkers to be renting and sending your child to private school. Unless either the primary or secondary or dire, you would be far better to buy your own home and pay a tutor to fill in the gaps.

I think it would be very disruptive to take a student out of any school part way through A levels - nothing to do with whether it's private or not.

I think you should forget about private school for DD and focus on getting on the housing ladder.

Your DH should perhaps speak to exW to ask if she can contribute as it's unaffordable.

I don't understand why you want DSS to suffer just because you can't afford to send both.

Do you work? You mention exW not working so I assume you already contribute.

You sound quite mean. You realised DH had commitments when you met. You can't just expect DSS to suffer because of you.

Agree with keep DSS where he is until finished. A 4 year old will not be disadvantaged by a state school and don’t consider private again until you’re more stable.

@usernc76482

Thanks for the replies! DH absolutely wants to continue paying, it would break his heart not being able to send him, but we have made so many sacrifices already to keep him in school. I feel like I can't give anymore I know I probably sound very selfish.

I guess Re court order, if he can't pay then he can't pay?! The money just isn't really there without us making sacrifices. ExW would probably have to take him to court over it? I don't think anyone wants to go down that road. ExW is a reasonable woman but is not in a position to pay, she must be in a hard place too.

I agree taking him out in his final year will be a blow. But keeping him there will mean us downsizing (again!!) to a cheaper rental and moving our DC away from an area and community I've grown to love.

Why if you could manage to keep the reception child in, surely, it's preferable to let him finish his schooling, take lo out and then when eldest finishes at end of y13, send lo into y2?

If you'd do this for your blood child, then surely you should effectively finish what you've started?

However, I disagree that mother and sf shouldn't consitribute. I would at least be laying all cards on the table. Give them opportunity to try and find a compromise. Eg half fees? Have you investigated bursaries?

Very disruptive to change schools mid way through year 12. Even if he can get into a new 6th form/college, the chances are they may not offer the same subject combinations unless he is taking very common subjects and even less chance that they will be studying the same exam board, plus they will probably go in a different order. So incredibly disruptive.
I have taught quite a number of students who have swapped at year 12 to year 13 and it always takes extra lessons to catch them up and that's when its been the same exam board.

seriously unfair on your DSS.

If he was yours, the decision would be crystal clear so do that.

Check with the private school to see if you're eligible for bursaries for the fees. There are organisations and schemes to help with fees so find out about that.

Your husband should make it very clear to his ex wife that she as the mother of ds's is also responsible for the school fees. She should get a job to help pay for the fees and your dh should seek advice about it. Her current husband might not be eligible but she certainly is. Is there a reason why she doesn't work but insists on a private education for her son?