Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

Do you work, OP?

Ehmmm No. I say that as a step mother and mother of three. That is just a ridiculous idea.

There are times when you have to behave in the BEST INTEREST of any child. Even if that the child next door.. let alone a stepchild !

There are two children involved in this situation. One will be effected by a decision to change schools. The other will not. So the decision is easy.

No child NEEDS private education in the UK. It's a luxury. When the eldest has finished high school in less than 18 months - you can send the little on to prep if you want - but it's a bonkers waste of money at that age especially if you don't even own a house!

Private education is only really necessary at 11 and then only if the available secondary's are really awful. !

You seriously need a look at priorities.
However the mother should not be getting away Scott free. A court order cannot be enforced if it's 'unreasonable' . (Renting and paying school fees is unreasonable if there is insufficient funds) .
She needs to step up and contribute.

@Glenorma

it’s really her DH who’s created this crisis by not having the court reviewed/ revised when he lost the business This is the key point. The private schooling should have stopped years ago. OP should not have been sacrificing.

OP in your shoes I’d insist on separate finances. Let him fund his own child if he can afford it. Out of his own pocket, without your income and sacrifices.

This. The DSS clearly should have moved to state after GCSEs if at all possible (and varying the court order due to change in circumstances might have been possible) or agreeing with the mother. This hasn't come out of the blue and the OP needs to stop complaining. They had the power to stop this being an issue but instead continued in fantasy 'this time next year' land. And putting the DD into private in the circumstances is unbelievable.

People talking about how exDW needs to step up as well. Yes, practically if there is no way to pay (because ultimately it's DSS suffering) but it shouldn't be forgotten this is part of the divorce settlement. She may well have given something else up in exchange for the promise to pay school fees eg accepted less of the DH's pension.

Finally - OP how much is your rent if downsizing would mean you can afford to pay private sixth form fees?! You're talking needing to save at least £1k a month surely (double that at least in London). How much is your rent that that is feasible to cover those costs by downsizing?!

Why would he be-he's not living with someone who is bound by a court order that they probably should have tried to change some years ago but didn't!

OP is Stepmother, she isn't bound by court to help contribute.
Mother and Father are. Therefore if Stepmother is being asked to contribute then Stepfather should too.

"DH really doesn't want to take his son out of a school he loves and that means we have to continue making sacrifices and compromising our lifestyle (we already haven't been on holiday for over 4 years), whilst ExW continues to live comfortably, she didn't have to sell her car, or not have time off/holiday etc. (Yes I'm bitter!) So I will have to uproot my children to live somewhere cheaper and smaller again, continue to make do without a car, take DC1 out of school... and just hope we can make the business work and in a couple of years we will have choices again 🤞🏼"

this is very telling here. op is framing the sacrifices they need to make as being as a result of needing to keep the dss at his school. unless both she and her husband have zero transferable skills between them that would enable them to get paid work, the sacrifices are in fact a result of them wanting to own their own business. So, making sacrifices in order to be your own boss. just like a lot of people. private schooling for primary aged children is a very common sacrifice people in that position have to make. instead of comparing herself to the ex wife/other private school parents, op should compare herself to families who are in the same boat as her and dh work wise. I'm sure she'd feel a lot less bitter then.

@BringPizza

OP are you and your DH not able to take paid employment instead of plugging away at a business that you've stated is not stable? Possibly you need to let go of the dream of being company directors with privately educated children. Whatever your DH has done in the past, it is not continuing now. You need to be realistic and honest about what you want vs what you can have.

(Gently) This.

Is the Step father also being asked to make financial sacrificies? It only seems fair

If mum isn't working, the step father is financially supporting the son. He doesn't have to do that but, presumably because they have discussed their situation and worked out what is best for them as a family, he has agreed to support someone else's child. Is that enough of a sacrifice or should he pay the school fees as well so the child's father can support an additional child he chose to have?

How he feels is not OP’s problem. She has to prioritise her own child

All well and good except...presumably she relies on her partner's income to help support them as a family? and her partner has obligations elsewhere? Do you propose he walks away from that obligation in favour of the OP, his second child and their lifestyle? There are plenty of those men about and seemingly even more women happy to be with them. Personally I wouldn't be able to sleep at night but it doesn't seem to cause my ex any issues.

Maybe one of you needs to go into paid employment

Your post makes no sense. If you’ve had this amount of struggles for as long as you said, why habe you just entered your youngest in a private reception?

Is the truth closer to your op. You can afford to send one of them, you just think it’s unfair it’s not your kid.

Coming back briefly as a poster has stated that the OP’s DH can stop paying immediately and put an application into vary costs.

Some dire legal advice from someone who clearly has no idea how financial court orders work.

Do not do this.

Here’s the legal facts.

There is a court order saying he needs to pay.
You are married to him, so as much as people say your finances are irrelevant, they aren’t. If this goes in front of a judge, your finances could also very easily be up for scrutiny.
If the Op’s DH stopped paying, the EXW could put in an emergency application and state that the child risks losing their school place (would mean it would most likely result in an expedited hearing).

If a judge finds out that your child is in private school and this child’s fees have been stopped unilaterally it is most likely going to result in your DH being told to pay up immediately, plus cover any costs incurred by the EXW.
This isn’t him not having funds to pay for it. Not when your child is attending private education.

I get this is frustrating. But there is a legal process and financial orders (along with court ordered intrusive disclosures, that can extend to you aswell if an additional application is put in for you to disclose) are very black and white.

So on legalities, I think you need to just bite the billet and investigate if the EXW/ school can help.

@Glenorma

She doesn't want to support him doing what is obviously the sensible thing to do, and for his own son, and which he does actually want to do. Why is DH’s desire to privately educate his child more important than OP’s desire to privately educate her child? I disagree that it’s “the sensible thing” to pay for DSS. The sensible thing for OP is to prioritise her own child.

And she obviously doesn't have a moment's concern for her stepson.
Not necessarily true. She just puts her own child first. That doesn’t mean she has no concern for DSS. Just that he rightly comes second to her own flesh and blood.

Because his child is in Year 12 and her child is in Reception.

If the school years were reversed I’d be arguing for her child.

@Plussizejumpsuit OP hasn't actually said whether she works or not.

Despite the financial collapse several years ago, DSS’s school fees have only become unaffordable when the OP’s child has started at private school. It’s obvious that, as a couple, they can afford to continue to send DSS to private school, but the OP just doesn’t want to because she wants her child to go instead. I can fully understand her feeling frustrated that she can’t send her child while DSS does get to go, but unfortunately that’s what she signed up to and it’s bad luck that her DH’s business hasn’t been successful enough to allow them
both to go. It’s not the ex wife’s fault or anyone else’s. As it is, her DSS only has 1.5 years of school left so actually her child will be able to go to private school, just slightly later than she would have liked, which will have no detrimental effect on the child whatsoever.

By contrast, pulling DSS out at one of the most critical points in his education could affect him for the rest of his life.

She doesn't want to support him doing what is obviously the sensible thing to do, and for his own son, and which he does actually want to do.
Why is DH’s desire to privately educate his child more important than OP’s desire to privately educate her child? I disagree that it’s “the sensible thing” to pay for DSS. The sensible thing for OP is to prioritise her own child*

I’m not sure this is a genuine post? In fact I think it can’t be. The eldest sons education is court ordered, and anyone would know a year twelve student continuing in his current school is way more important than a child going to private reception. It’s also not about prioritising her child at the expense of her step son. How utterly self serving.

In a marriage, you can't actually just dictate that your child comes before the DH's other child from a different marriage. So just because you're the 2nd wife, your child comes before your stepson, whose needs are obviously far greater in these circumstances? The needs of the 2 children need to be balanced fairly, which is what DH is trying to do here. If OP is a good wife, she will support her husband in this. If she doesn't, he may do what I would probably do in these circumstances, and divorce her.

You can't pull him out with only one year left for the sake of a primary school child. It's one more year. Put your child in state and then she can go to private for primary

@funinthesun19

It is absolutely NOT ok always to put your own child first. What an immoral thing to say.

It’s immoral to put them second in favour of a stepchild when you have a parental obligation towards your own.

Hold on. On any other step parenting thread, if a father had said he will put his child first always before all other kids, they would absolutely be criticised. They are already. Normally the response to this is no one in the family should be first it should be prioritised by need at the time. On nearly every single bloody thread this comes up.

So next time a SM posts saying her dp is putting his child first always, you will all be there telling her that's absolutely how it should be?

And as far as I've seen on this thread, the money that is available seems to be coming from the DH, not from OP? Apologies if I've got that wrong. Thank goodness he at least is trying to behave reasonably here.

@sassbott

Coming back briefly as a poster has stated that the OP’s DH can stop paying immediately and put an application into vary costs.

Some dire legal advice from someone who clearly has no idea how financial court orders work.

Do not do this.

Here’s the legal facts.

There is a court order saying he needs to pay.
You are married to him, so as much as people say your finances are irrelevant, they aren’t. If this goes in front of a judge, your finances could also very easily be up for scrutiny.
If the Op’s DH stopped paying, the EXW could put in an emergency application and state that the child risks losing their school place (would mean it would most likely result in an expedited hearing).

If a judge finds out that your child is in private school and this child’s fees have been stopped unilaterally it is most likely going to result in your DH being told to pay up immediately, plus cover any costs incurred by the EXW.
This isn’t him not having funds to pay for it. Not when your child is attending private education.

I get this is frustrating. But there is a legal process and financial orders (along with court ordered intrusive disclosures, that can extend to you aswell if an additional application is put in for you to disclose) are very black and white.

So on legalities, I think you need to just bite the billet and investigate if the EXW/ school can help.

Actually that was my very personal experience. Exh material circumstances have changed and he now has obligations to both families. The judge can potentially rule for both women to work and contribute half of the school fees for their respective children. I don't think there will be any urgent court case though given the pandemic

It's obvious that, as a couple, they can afford to continue to send DSS to private school, but the OP just doesn't want to because she wants her child to go instead.

Not necessarily. It reads to me like they have been affording to send DSS to private school with considerate sacrifices, and OP has begun to resent it more now that her DD is unable to go. I think this is understandable, as the sacrifices have been joint but she is unable to see her child benefit from them.

It's interesting that you say "as a couple", as on a moral level they shouldn't really be funding it as a couple. He should be funding it. It's quite likely OP wouldn't be able to fund her DD going to private school if their incomes were separate, but I can absolutely see why she might have become increasingly hacked off with the situation if her money is going into a joint pot, and DSSs fees are being prioritised above all else from that. Joint finances only really make clean, easy sense when both people have the same priorities, which is very naturally not the case in this instance.

Surely you should be having this conversation with his ex and her husband?

Kids don’t need to go to private school but if he’s almost finished his education, it seems incredibly mean to pull him out in favour of the new family.

If I was to draft a thread designed to start a barny on Mumsnet and then stand back and laugh whilst a whole load of posters harangued each other for a whole day this is the topic I’d pick.

It’s got everything designed to create tension - first kid vs second kid, state vs private school, non working ex wife, vague facts with one follow up but OP has now dropped off the radar.

Just saying....

Let him stay to finish his A-levels, please.
Your Reception age child can wait a year or two, their life won't be turned upside down by delaying starting prep school.

Also from my experience judges don't like children - any children from any marriage to suffer. They would rather adults to step in and take more responsibility so withdrawing your dd or moving to a cheaper house to pay for DSS may not be seen as fair especially if your dd has any special needs.

Firstly speak to the school, if you've paid for the last 10+ years they may have a bursary or similar? Or perhaps able to negotiate fees for the final year?
Secondly take your young child out of pre-prep let the older child finish yr12/13 and then reconsider putting your younger child back into the private system in the future- perhaps when you can afford it.