Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

I have children from two marriages and we are one family. My exhusband had a good relationship with the children from my second marriage as they were his children's siblings, his siblings referred to them as their nephews. If there is any question of favouritism in the family it is that my husband and GS are very close, not his child's child but his eldest stepchilds child.

The only person who ever had an issue with it was my late MIL who treated the children from my first marriage differently to the next two.

Blended families can work.

But seriously, even if DSS finishes his schooling where he is, do you really believe you can afford to send your DD to private school? You've had to sell your car, not go on holidays and already downsize your rental property.

They can’t even afford to send DSS if they’re making all of those sacrifices. I really do feel like op’s dd will be getting the short straw for a few more years yet. So sad.

OP says she has more than one DC, and both she and her DH have chosen to put their DC in private school above buying a house/holidays. Given they have funds to private school one child I would think they would send their eldest DC to private school as soon as DSS is finishes. There's no indication in OP's post that her DH would disagree.

I hope the OP comes back

Op will not be back & can anyone blame her after the flaming she has gotten for daring to be a frustrated mother merely looking for a bit of support.

All her lifestyle choices got pulled apart by the SM Police. Poor woman.

@Magda72 Indeed, this has been one of those threads where more information was clearly needed from the start before sweeping judgments should be made, and yet we never got as far as even allowing OP to clarify those points, as people couldn't seem to help themselves but to jump straight to the harshest conclusions.

@ineedaholidaynow

Do you pay all the fees under the court order? If so would you qualify for a bursary?

I've never been able to afford to take the DC on holiday.

Our most expensive car was £2k, but we normally spend more like £800 on a second hand car and run it till the price to fix it for the MOT is more than the car.

I live in a small house. It's perfectly doable?

we have to continue making sacrifices and compromising our lifestyle (we already haven't been on holiday for over 4 years), whilst ExW continues to live comfortably, she didn't have to sell her car, or not have time off/holiday etc. (Yes I'm bitter!)

I understand you're bitter but your DSS shouldn't have to take the brunt of that.

Make the sacrifices you need to, and once DSS is off to university, get on with rebuilding. Your youngest will be fine at state school. Do you know which are the good ones near you?

If you pull your DSS out now, that will cause massive disruption to his education and to his relationship with his parents and step parents. It's a terrible idea to move schools for Y13 unless totally necessary.

It's a no brainer that his education comes before that of a reception child.

If the ex is meant to pay by court order, is going back to court an option?

@Magda72
Is it possible that she did not come back simply because she got a enough of a varied sample of opinions to help inform her decision?

Maybe, she was not looking to participate in a debate so much as to get different perspectives. She certainly got a lot of input. She may have chosen that which was helpful and discarded the rest.Not everyone is necessarily looking for support; sometimes you can just be seeking different ways to view or resolve your situation.

Straightforward discussion needed on Teams/Skype between all parties including the young person involved. Unless a compromise can be found which undoubtedly will have to include the mother and her new partner making a contribution to school fees then I'd make an immediate application for variation of the original order. None of you seem able to afford this but hopefully a way forward can be found.
Why doesn't your DH exW work? Is there a reason?
Secure housing should always come before private education.

OP I can see both sides.

On the one hand I think all the children need to be considered and you wanting all or none to suffer sounds like you don't want DSC to stay in school if your DC cannot.

Then again I understand why you would feel that way and it would mean your child being the one to be pulled out of school when all the others are not.

Also EXW does not work so you'd be sacrificing for her DC to continue in the school while your own cannot.

It doesn't sound like the step father is making sacrifices.

You really need to have a sit down and talk through this but it's a bit irresponsible to send your children to private school if you are not financially stable.

*I understand you're bitter but your DSS shouldn't have to take the brunt of that.

Make the sacrifices you need to, and once DSS is off to university, get on with rebuilding.*

But that's easy to say when it's your kid, isn't it. Being brutally honest, I wouldn't be willing to make significant sacrifices so my SS could go to private school. I don't view myself as "needing" to do that. I would sacrifice my DD going to private school, as I don't see it as important for a 4 year old, but I wouldn't be willing to move or go without things like cars and holidays in order to fund it. If the bulk of what was being put into the family pot was being spent on SSs fees, and especially if that was the case despite the money not being enough to cover rent, then I wouldn't be willing to put my money in there. I would expect my DP to earn the money to cover his son's fees, on top of his fair share of joint household expenses.

This is why it's so relevant whether OP earns her own money, what funds are being spent on the fees, and what sacrifices would be required to continue paying the fees. None of this is clear.

This is why it's so relevant whether OP earns her own money, what funds are being spent on the fees, and what sacrifices would be required to continue paying the fees. None of this is clear.

I agree. If OP makes her own money then it's not fair for her to have to pull her child from school so DSS can stay in while his mother doesn't work.

There are lots of factors to consider, of course.

but I wouldn't be willing to move or go without things like cars and holidays in order to fund it.

Apparently wanting those things for your child is being spoilt. But only if it’s the stepmum’s child of course.
Why should the op’s dd have to compromise on things like holidays and a nicer home and just a better childhood in general when her father can afford to give it to her, to fund DSS all the way through uni?

@funinthesun19 oh you know, because the dss is the dad's only 'real' child & all subsequent children aren't really that important & anyway, they'll thrive no matter what because their parents are together & dss will have to spend his whole life emotionally handicapped because his are divorced & the only way to make that up to him is to treat him as the most important person in the entire family & sacrifice everything for him even if he never asked you to or never expected it!

This thread clearly illustrates why it is a bad idea to get involved with a man who has children. Young women - take note and be wary! Find a bloke without dependents.

@LizFlowers If anything, it shows how selfish and uncooperative women can be!

@MsHedgehog Which woman? OP or the child's mother who doesn't work?!

[quote MsHedgehog]@LizFlowers If anything, it shows how selfish and uncooperative women can be![/quote]
I'm sure there are plenty of selfish men too.

No one said men are angels...

But some of the attitudes OP and women on this thread have towards step children is nothing short of toxic and I feel for the step children in those situations.

Why should the op’s dd have to compromise on things like holidays and a nicer home and just a better childhood in general when her father can afford to give it to her, to fund DSS all the way through uni?

I don't think the OP has mentioned Uni?? This is a question about whether to privilege the education of a 4 year old or 16 year old isn't it? in 18 months when DSS has finished school, DP can choose to give DSS only minimum required by uni funding calculators and spend the rest on his younger child/ children. No-one is suggesting the DP continues to give his son more money than he has to if his son goes to univeristy.

It’d be hugely U not to pay for DSS’s final year, A level year! jeez!

Tell you what OP - to be "fair", as defined by you, pull the DSS out of school so that his A'levels, university and future career options are fucked up, together with his relationship with his family.
Keep your 4 year old at "pre-prep", in the lap of luxury. Then pull her out half way through her A'level course.
That way, they'll both have suffered the same, won't they?

@LizFlowers

This thread clearly illustrates why it is a bad idea to get involved with a man who has children. Young women - take note and be wary! Find a bloke without dependents.

50% of marriages break down which means BOTH ex-partners have dependents not just men. But men should not be allowed to start again and don't they dare to have more children. In this particular situation exh was ordered to pay school fees because he probably could do so at the time or they agreed he would. Exw did not wait long to remarry, have another child and continue staying at home. Wasn't it her exh ability to pay that enabled that easy choice unless her new husband took the burden? We talk a huge deal about gender equality but we don't really mean it, do we?

But some of the attitudes OP and women on this thread have towards step children is nothing short of toxic and I feel for the step children in those situations.

Yes - ignoring the fact that almost everyone on the thread has agreed that they would prioritise the DSS's schooling over DDs, and only questioned the expectation that they should be contributing to it and whether it is reasonable given the other sacrifices they may have to make as a family - we are all toxic.

I don't think the OP has mentioned Uni??

No but it’s the next step. It’s so predictable how DSS’s time at uni is going to go wrt finances.

If I was the op I’d be bringing this conversation up now.