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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

869 replies

usernc76482 · 19/01/2021 03:04

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 19/01/2021 16:10

The OP could earn an income and keep her finances separate from the family pot only contributing towards her own household, the husband would obviously continue contributing to both the family pot and the court mandated school fees.

The ex-wife isn't actually doing anything wrong, the school fees were part of the financial settlement she received when she got divorced. Even if she was earning billions by herself the ex-husband would still have to adhere to the court order or apply to get it varied.

Tier500 · 19/01/2021 16:11

@funinthesun19 the difference is that the OP’s DH has a legally binding obligation to pay for his son’s education whereas his mother does not. The OP knew this when she married him, chose to have a child with him, and then chose to send that child to private school. If the OP and her new DH have changed financial circumstances then they need to go back to court to review the order. No judge would ever agree to change the order in circumstances where the father still has enough money to pay for his second child to go to private school. It’s not how it works.

somethingonthecarpet · 19/01/2021 16:14

If you take your DSS out of private school now, in Year 12/13 (and also take your DD out of private school), because If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?, then what will you do if your income goes up in two or three years and you are able to put your DD through private school? Sadly it will be too late for DSS. And it wouldn't be fair either, would it - because If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?.

I think, with all kindness, that you should examine your motives and try to think ahead. Many children attend state primaries before going onto private secondaries with absolutely no detriment. But to take a boy out of his school in Year 12/13 is very unkind.

Please urge his father, or even him if none of you grown-ups can face it, to go to the school bursar and see if a bursary can be put in place to keep him there. You can do the same with the bursar at your DD's current school if you wish.

The poor boy needs someone to fight his corner.

crymt · 19/01/2021 16:17

I am so new to Mumsnet but the second family woman commenting on this thread 😂 🍋

Plussizejumpsuit · 19/01/2021 16:19

@frazzledasarock

The OP could earn an income and keep her finances separate from the family pot only contributing towards her own household, the husband would obviously continue contributing to both the family pot and the court mandated school fees.

The ex-wife isn't actually doing anything wrong, the school fees were part of the financial settlement she received when she got divorced. Even if she was earning billions by herself the ex-husband would still have to adhere to the court order or apply to get it varied.

Doesth op say she doesn't work?
Bollss · 19/01/2021 16:21

@OwMyNeck

No, the actual reason they want to stop is because they have had a massive drop in income

No. You need to read again. They can afford school fees, but they want to stop paying for the 17 year old so that they can pay for a 4 year old.

If they wanted to stop because they didn't have the money for school fees, that would be a different thread.

You're being ridiculous now. If they had the money they'd both be going to private school.

Op wants to prioritize her own child and tbh that's entirely normal, isn't it?

unmarkedbythat · 19/01/2021 16:21

If I could only afford one child to attend private school then it would be my own child. DSS is not your problem

She's married to DSS's dad. DSS existed long before her relationship with DSS's father did. If I were the dad and she came out with some sort of claptrap like this I'd leave her, which does not sound like it would lead to a court order securing her child's private education at all.

Bollss · 19/01/2021 16:23

@unmarkedbythat

If I could only afford one child to attend private school then it would be my own child. DSS is not your problem

She's married to DSS's dad. DSS existed long before her relationship with DSS's father did. If I were the dad and she came out with some sort of claptrap like this I'd leave her, which does not sound like it would lead to a court order securing her child's private education at all.

Ah yes just because her child didn't exist when the other did they're undeserving and she should be left.

Jesus Christ.

You'd leave someone because YOU lost your business and YOU can only afford to school one child? I see.

Watchingbehindmyhands · 19/01/2021 16:25

Op wants to prioritize her own child and tbh that's entirely normal, isn't it?

Of course. But the OP has knowingly got involved in a situation where there is an additional child to consider and whilst she may have no legal or moral responsiblity towards that child, her partner does. And the legal can be enforced and the moral well, why would you want to be with a man who pulled one of his children out of school on a crucial year purely to please the mother of his second child for whom one year in state education would have very little impact?

FedUpAtHomeTroels · 19/01/2021 16:27

Hang on a minute. You as the Step mother are being expected to make financial sacrifices.
Is the Step father also being asked to make financial sacrificies? It only seems fair.

Bollss · 19/01/2021 16:27

@Watchingbehindmyhands

Op wants to prioritize her own child and tbh that's entirely normal, isn't it?

Of course. But the OP has knowingly got involved in a situation where there is an additional child to consider and whilst she may have no legal or moral responsiblity towards that child, her partner does. And the legal can be enforced and the moral well, why would you want to be with a man who pulled one of his children out of school on a crucial year purely to please the mother of his second child for whom one year in state education would have very little impact?

Yeah she entered into this situation probably not expecting her husband to lose his business. They are two very different situations. He wouldn't be pulling his child out of school "purely to please" his wife either.
crymt · 19/01/2021 16:30

Yes he would, op said they can afford one set of fees. She wants her DD to benefit.

Bollss · 19/01/2021 16:32

@crymt

Yes he would, op said they can afford one set of fees. She wants her DD to benefit.
Yeah it's not like she's just doing it out of spite and he would be doing it for his other child not just to "please" his wife.
Gooseygoosey12345 · 19/01/2021 16:33

Can't you pay half each to DSS's final year of private education? Your DC would benefit less at this age from private education. I'm assuming it's one year left for DSS, after he's finished you can put your DC into private education at a more reasonable age for her to benefit.
Also, if keeping DSS in private education means you have to move, surely the same would be the case is your DC was in private education?

Tal45 · 19/01/2021 16:33

DSS can't be taken out of any school mid A-levels unless there is absolutely no choice whatsoever, that's just not acceptable at all. Your lo is doing a lot of playing and learning letters and numbers she doesn't need a private school right now she will be absolutely fine in a state school. I'm shocked this is even a question there is no comparison between DSS's needs and DD's needs IMO.
This also isn't a punishment for DD, she will not know any different and will be perfectly happy in a state school until DSS finishes. You might find it's better even to leave her there until secondary age unless you would like her in a grammar school.

3rdNamechange · 19/01/2021 16:34

@Glenorma

If I could only afford one child to attend private school then it would be my own child. DSS is not your problem. I’d have put my foot down about these sacrifices years ago. His mum will have to get off her arse if she wants him to stay in school. If DH is seriously thinking about disadvantaging your child in favour of his own then for me that would mean divorce. You’ll probably be better off!
He is her problem because she's married to his father who is under a court order to pay for his education. How do you think he's going to feel when he gets pulled out of his school away from his friends she his half sister can go to private school ?
Glenorma · 19/01/2021 16:35

How do you think he's going to feel when he gets pulled out of his school away from his friends she his half sister can go to private school?
How he feels is not OP’s problem. She has to prioritise her own child.

crymt · 19/01/2021 16:35

Who said anything about spite? 🍋

Bollss · 19/01/2021 16:36

@crymt

Who said anything about spite? 🍋
It was implied it was just a whim of ops, and he'd do it just to please her. Why are you sending me lemons?
Cameleongirl · 19/01/2021 16:37

Reading the OP’s updates, it’s really her DH who’s created this crisis by not having the court reviewed/ revised when he lost the business. The business loss was “several years ago,” not recently. Those posters saying his ex should get off her arse and suddenly bridge the gap are being unfair, IMO, because this isn’t a recent crisis, he could’ve addressed it years ago and come to an agreement. Of course he could talk to his ex now and she might be able to come up with the money at short notice- but he’s the one who’s let things get to crisis point. Not the OP and not the ex.

Cameleongirl · 19/01/2021 16:38
  • court order
somethingonthecarpet · 19/01/2021 16:38

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Goingtothebudgies · 19/01/2021 16:39

OP doesn't seem to have much affection for or respect for her DH. She doesn't want to support him doing what is obviously the sensible thing to do, and for his own son, and which he does actually want to do.
And she obviously doesn't have a moment's concern for her stepson.
So probably isn't suited to marrying a divorced man with children?
Starting the DD at an expensive school was madness.
Have to say, there are some nasty people on this thread. It isn't ok always to put your child first, regardless of the circumstances.

Bollss · 19/01/2021 16:39

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Post references deleted post Talk Guidelines.

Bollss · 19/01/2021 16:40

@Goingtothebudgies

OP doesn't seem to have much affection for or respect for her DH. She doesn't want to support him doing what is obviously the sensible thing to do, and for his own son, and which he does actually want to do. And she obviously doesn't have a moment's concern for her stepson. So probably isn't suited to marrying a divorced man with children? Starting the DD at an expensive school was madness. Have to say, there are some nasty people on this thread. It isn't ok always to put your child first, regardless of the circumstances.
Except it is, when they're the first child. It's ok to put him first. Not ok for op to put her child first.
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