Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

Him having another child is not the reason they're struggling, is It

Having another child they want to privately edcuate is the reason they want to stop privately educating this one, so yes.

Can we stop pretending OP is poverty stricken when she wants to put her child through private school from pre-prep, and has more children who she will presumably want the same for? She's not poor if she can even consider that.

@OwMyNeck

Him having another child is not the reason they're struggling, is It

Having another child they want to privately edcuate is the reason they want to stop privately educating this one, so yes.

Can we stop pretending OP is poverty stricken when she wants to put her child through private school from pre-prep, and has more children who she will presumably want the same for? She's not poor if she can even consider that.

No, the actual reason they want to stop is because they have had a massive drop in income.

I'm not pretending she's poverty stricken I'm pointing out the facts, which youre conveniently ignoring.

DSS prob ought to be getting a little job

I think if anyone ought to be getting 'a little job' it's op

@Magda72

DH really doesn't want to take his son out of a school he loves and that means we have to continue making sacrifices and compromising our lifestyle (we already haven't been on holiday for over 4 years), whilst ExW continues to live comfortably, she didn't have to sell her car, or not have time off/holiday etc. (Yes I'm bitter!) So I will have to uproot my children to live somewhere cheaper and smaller again, continue to make do without a car, take DC1 out of school... and just hope we can make the business work and in a couple of years we will have choices again 🤞🏼 *@usernc76482* - your dss has two parents & no matter what the trolls on here say, one parent is failing him financially & that is his dm. Meanwhile your family has to suffer for her not living up to her financial responsibilities. Given the fee paying is court ordered & dss is the age he is, in your position I would put my dd in a state school & weather the next 18 months out. However, I would be telling the dm & dss in no uncertain terms that SHE is to take responsibility for any third level he may do - your dh has paid over enough. If my exh wanted to send any of ours to private school there's no way I would have let him do it alone & if I couldn't have contributed then the dc wouldn't have gone. Private school is a privilege & I don't think it's a route that should be embarked on unless the funds are guaranteed for the duration of the school time - it's too risky otherwise & leads to situations like this where a child/teen may have to be pulled from school which is very disruptive.

But if his mother had been able to afford this then the court wouldn’t have ordered the fees to be solely paid by the father? If she doesn’t have a job now then what you’re really saying is that her new husband should be paying for his stepson instead of the boy’s father...that doesn’t really make sense does it?

No, OP says in her first post she wants her DH to stop paying for DSS's school fees because it is not fair on her DD that her older brother goes to private school as they can only afford for one set of school fees. So she wants him not to pay for his older DC.

They can afford one set of school fees.

It's pretty hypocritical that you're complaining the stap dad won't pay when you as step mum won't pay and don't want the child's own father to pay.

Are you working op?

@NettleTea - I'm in Ireland so maybe things a bit different here with regards to third level funding & obligations.

I think if anyone ought to be getting 'a little job' it's op

No doubt would be more money in the household pot to fund the DSS’s education either directly or indirectly. If she isn’t working then it’s no bloody wonder.

No, the actual reason they want to stop is because they have had a massive drop in income

No. You need to read again. They can afford school fees, but they want to stop paying for the 17 year old so that they can pay for a 4 year old.

If they wanted to stop because they didn't have the money for school fees, that would be a different thread.

If I could only afford one child to attend private school then it would be my own child. DSS is not your problem. I’d have put my foot down about these sacrifices years ago. His mum will have to get off her arse if she wants him to stay in school. If DH is seriously thinking about disadvantaging your child in favour of his own then for me that would mean divorce. You’ll probably be better off!

.@RedToothBrush
I actually wasn't name calling the child. But y'know if you are that petty thats your call.
You were it's quoted in my post.

I was saying the mother was being massively precious about the daughter.

No you weren't you called her a "precious daughter" in a very snidey way. Don't try to pretend you said anything different.

Whatever. You take your little victory if it makes you feel better.

I was hoping it may make you think about what you said and maybe regret being so horrible about a child but obviously not.

@usernc76482

Thanks for the replies! DH absolutely wants to continue paying, it would break his heart not being able to send him, but we have made so many sacrifices already to keep him in school. I feel like I can't give anymore I know I probably sound very selfish.

I guess Re court order, if he can't pay then he can't pay?! The money just isn't really there without us making sacrifices. ExW would probably have to take him to court over it? I don't think anyone wants to go down that road. ExW is a reasonable woman but is not in a position to pay, she must be in a hard place too.

I agree taking him out in his final year will be a blow. But keeping him there will mean us downsizing (again!!) to a cheaper rental and moving our DC away from an area and community I've grown to love.

Taking a child out in year 12/13 could well ruin his life. It’s only another year or two max. Your DH should be moving heaven and earth to make it work - if that means he can’t afford to send the much younger dd to pre-prep then so be it. You are a parent too - why not try and see if you can step in and earn a bit more money yourself.

@Providora

So you met, married and had a child with a man who has committed (through the courts) to paying for his son's private education. Now, with only a year to go and at the most critical time, you want to pull the pin, because you don't think it's fair on your own child who probably didn't exist when this commitment was made?

It all sounds so horribly unfair to the poor boy, to be pulled out of the school his siblings are at and have his final year so disrupted because of his father's decision to have another family.

This

Especially if it’s so that you can send your own DC to private pre prep!

@Glenorma

If I could only afford one child to attend private school then it would be my own child. DSS is not your problem. I’d have put my foot down about these sacrifices years ago. His mum will have to get off her arse if she wants him to stay in school. If DH is seriously thinking about disadvantaging your child in favour of his own then for me that would mean divorce. You’ll probably be better off!

I don’t get the impression that the OP has a hierarchy of her children in the way you say you would have in her position.

Taking a child out in year 12/13 could well ruin his life
Why is that OP’s problem? Lots of kids leave school after their GCSEs and go to a college or whatever to study A-levels. I don’t see a problem with it.

I don’t get the impression that the OP has a hierarchy of her children in the way you say you would have in her position
They’re not all her children. The eldest is a stepson.

@Tier500 - no what I'm saying is that a court order for private school fees is obviously something decided & agreed to by both parents as it's not a basic necessity. Therefore I would imagine that dm & dh either decided that at some point she would contribute, OR, that the dh would shoulder the whole lot. First case scenario means dm hasn't bothered to contribute, & second case scenario was just a stupid thing to agree to in the first place. However, what's done is done and the dh will have to see it out. But if I were him, & given my change in circumstances & would now be saying to my exw that I cannot fund third level & that she needs to step up - ie get a job. I don't think it's up to op or the stepdad to fund the SS.
But, as I just said in another post. I'm in Ireland & I think it's quite different here re third level funding.

@Glenorma

Taking a child out in year 12/13 could well ruin his life Why is that OP’s problem? Lots of kids leave school after their GCSEs and go to a college or whatever to study A-levels. I don’t see a problem with it.

Because she chose to live with and have a child with his Dad.

yes lots of kids do leave after GCSE's to go to a different school or college. But this child hasn't done that. If the OP was having this conversation this time last year with a view to stopping paying fees after GCSE's then the answers would be very, very different.

His mum will have to get off her arse if she wants him to stay in school.
Maybe OP should get off her arse if she wants her DC in private school. Her DH doesn't have the income he once had, she's not magically entitled to the lifestyle her DH's ex has just because she wants it.

I would definitely let DSS finish his A levels in his private school. I'm not very pro private schools because my children got top grades at GCSE/A levels and went to top unis from state schools alongside private school students with the same grades. However, I think to move him now could be a massive upheaval. Also, with this in mind I would put your child in a state school as if you are renting you really cannot afford to privately educate your children. This is just my opinion though.

@Magda72 a court order for private school fees is obviously something decided & agreed to by both parents as it's not a basic necessity. Therefore I would imagine that dm & dh either decided that at some point she would contribute, OR, that the dh would shoulder the whole lot

A court order is made by the court, not the parents (obviously). It can be done by consent but the likelihood is that the court ordered the father to pay to maintain the status quo (ie the son was already in private school and the father was ordered to pay on the basis of his financial situation). The court decided that the mother didn’t have to contribute - most likely because she was a SAHM with no income or because her ex husband’s income was many times her own. It sounds like she’s still a SAHM, which the OP resents. There is no basis for condemning the ex wife for not contributing when the court didn’t ask her to and there’s no suggestion from the OP that they’ve even discussed her contributing now.

Maybe OP should get off her arse if she wants her DC in private school.

BUT the same could be said for the ex too if she wants HER dc in private school. Why shouldn’t work to provide for it in the new circumstances?

The op wouldn’t be able to fund it all by herself and her dh would have to budget for both. Then both mums pay their share for their own children. If the op works it won’t be enough to get her child in to private school and will do nothing more than make it easier for her husband to pay for DSS to go to private school/uni.

So yeah, they ex should get off her arse because it will end up being the op paying for it instead. And that’s not fair is it?

*Why shouldn’t the ex pay for it in the new circumstances?

So yeah, they ex should get off her arse because it will end up being the op paying for it instead. And that’s not fair is it?

And by “it”, I mean the DSS’s education. Ex should be paying for it so the op won’t end up doing.

Funinthesun19 i think i said further upstream about the mum getting a job, too, though there is the sticky matter of the court order. It's all a bit Dickensian both the mothers sitting idly by while the man is supposed to provide everything. Though I'm sure we'll get a drip feed sob story soon.