Refuse to make financial sacrifices for DSS

[usernc76482]

NC but regular poster. Cannot sleep as I'm drowning in a sea of anxiety.

I'll keep this brief: we (DH and i) can no longer afford to send DSS (Yr 12) to private school. ExW and husband comfortable but I don't think in a position to pay till he finishes secondary education next year. ExW and husband also have DC together who are also at the private school), but I mean, why would the step dad pay for his step son to go to private school when that is my DHs job and part of the original court order? ExW does not work.

At the same time, our DC1 has started at private pre prep (Reception) in September last year. It's looking unsustainable being able to send her there now and we will have to pull her out next term.

We could afford to send one or the other but not both children.

So: we COULD continue sending DSS to school if we take our DC out. I just don't think that's fair? If the children's are going to suffer it should be all of them?

It's been a very financially rocky few years but we had made it work, sold our car, no holidays etc. to continue sending DSS to school. We rent so cannot get a loan or anything against a property.

I'm fed up of making sacrifices.

@RedskyBynight

It’s a year away and quite relevant to the op and her financial situation. Most grown ups would be thinking a year ahead.

Stop press. Not all 18 year olds go to university. As we don't know whether DSS has any interest or not, it's a bit premature to start discussing who will fund it.

Then, when should they discuss it? Surely, it's better to discuss these things up front so everyone is aware of the situation. Money discussions can be hard, but they are very necessary. They need to make sure that the DSS and his mum and step dad understand that finances are tight before he starts applying to universities or making plans for what he's doing after school. To spring it on them at the last minute would be a huge mistake.

OP - in your situation j would move DD to state school. You'll have her reception and year 1 in state while DSS finishes education. Then the next obvious point to go private is start of year 3, so you'll have 1 year of being able to save with no school fees to pay. If things haven't picked up by then, I'd say save as much as possible and keep DD in state until aged 11 / year 7. Many go state until then.

This will give you some financial breathing room and you can save for 5 years, either having a big lump sum to pay for secondary with out fear of it going, or a new house deposit. (Private prep schools around here are approx £12-15k a year, saving without having to pay for any child in private will give you a cushion around £60k. Not to be sniffed at if you have had a few years of juggling).

Oh but as well, speak to DSS's school, get DH to explain hes lost his business, is struggling to afford fees, and while his ExW might be able to fund them, the court order says its down to him so would they consider him for a bursary- even a small % off will help by the sounds of things.

He clearly was earning well at the time of divorce, so was the business set up then?

Did you then joined the business? What's the arrangements is? Are you still both working for a new business?

It can't be doing that bad if you've been able to afford for both to go private.

Not premature at all to discuss the financial implications of university for a year ahead.

Absolutely not, if DSS wants to go. I'm simply pointing out that a lot of people have assumed he will, when there is no evidence to say either way. Why not discuss how he will be funded when he's doing an apprenticeship/paying for his first flat when he moves out of his parents' house? All equally valid things.

Discussing what support he will get after age 18 is entirely relevant. Focussing entirely on support through university is not.

@RedskyBynight

It’s a year away and quite relevant to the op and her financial situation. Most grown ups would be thinking a year ahead.

Stop press. Not all 18 year olds go to university. As we don't know whether DSS has any interest or not, it's a bit premature to start discussing who will fund it.

The vast, vast majority of kids that go to private school will go on to university. It would be very poor planning on the part of the parents not to have had these initial thoughts and discussions already.

Stop press. Not all 18 year olds go to university. As we don't know whether DSS has any interest or not, it's a bit premature to start discussing who will fund it

The majority of privately educated 18 year olds do go to university. And its not slightly premature to have a plan to fund it. If anything its long overdue already.
Surely no-one waits until their child is 18 to even consider uni funding?

@RedskyBynight

It’s a year away and quite relevant to the op and her financial situation. Most grown ups would be thinking a year ahead.

Stop press. Not all 18 year olds go to university. As we don't know whether DSS has any interest or not, it's a bit premature to start discussing who will fund it.

The majority of A level students are working towards Uni and eventually go to Uni.

If it were GCSE students, then I'd agree, as there'll be lots of those heading towards apprenticeships, college, etc.

Of course, not all A level students are heading towards Unis, but most are, even moreso among those attending private schools, so I think it's highly relevant to be talking about university funding in sixth form years.

@RedToothBrush

Well. HQ must have agreed with me - they deleted it. Name calling children -- how sad are you?

@RedskyBynight

Not premature at all to discuss the financial implications of university for a year ahead.

Absolutely not, if DSS wants to go. I'm simply pointing out that a lot of people have assumed he will, when there is no evidence to say either way. Why not discuss how he will be funded when he's doing an apprenticeship/paying for his first flat when he moves out of his parents' house? All equally valid things.

Discussing what support he will get after age 18 is entirely relevant. Focussing entirely on support through university is not.

But Uni student maintenance loans ARE dependent upon parental income, so it's assumed that parents will make up the shortfall if a Uni student isn't eligible for the full maintenance loan because of their parent's income. There's a direct link between parental income and the loan available. That's what makes the conversation relevant.

It's not parental income. It's household income. Which will be based on his mum and her partner. He is a high earner so hell get less loans.... And then dad is expected to pick up half of that even though it's not his "problem" as such that the step dad earns a lot. It's a really really shitty system.

The cost difference from supporting a child though private school vs university is huge anyway 600 a month is to the dss when at uni vs 1600 a month for private secondary school thats 1000 difference a month even if they were to support him thought that its and the ds support would be based off his mother's and step dads income so if he does not qualify for help they should make up the difference .

@TrustTheGeneGenie

It's not parental income. It's household income. Which will be based on his mum and her partner. He is a high earner so hell get less loans.... And then dad is expected to pick up half of that even though it's not his "problem" as such that the step dad earns a lot. It's a really really shitty system.

It would depend on which house he chooses as his main residence. If OP and he DH really are on a low income he will get a full loan.

Taking him out half way through sixth form is not a ‘blow’, it will wreck his A levels.

No child needs to be in a private Pre Prep. It is not a sacrifice to complete Early Years education in a state nursery.

Sorry, but you knew your F had children at private school, and exam years are sacrosanct.

All the adults need to get together and come up with a plan.

If he isn’t in Yr 12 yet, the sixth forms of state schools are often excellent.

You need to insist on financial independance from 16/18 really. You owe it to your dc, in fairness

Owe them what? The life lesson? Because I never wanted for anything as a child and was funded through uni and helped into adulthood by parents who could afford it and who wanted to help. I have one hell of a work ethic (I have a full time job, a part time seasonal position and ad-hoc when I can get it part-time as well) and am fully capable of managing my household budget without getting into debt. If you want a contrast, my ex came from a house with no money whatsoever, he worked incredibly hard in his younger years and was a house owner by the age of 19. After I came along, he decided he really didn't need to work anymore, ran his business into the ground, stopped paying bills, has bailffs on his doorstep on a regular basis etc. etc. We may well be the exceptions that prove the rule but goodness, being independent at 18 did my ex no good in the long term and me, very dependent at 18, much good in the long term.

University may be covered by their divorce court order / consent order. Ours says not only do I pay all 5 sets of school fees but all university costs too (as I earn 10x what their father does). It refer so tertiary education. A lot of parents have to pay at least £4k a year to make up the minimum student loan to maximum and there are special rules about claiming I believe from your non resident parent after a divorce even if it is not in the consent order on a divorce so definitely something to consider before you move in with or marry someone who is divorced with children and part of your pre marital due diligence in a way.

And then dad is expected to pick up half of that even though it's not his "problem" as such that the step dad earns a lot. It's a really really shitty system

It is his problem as its his son. It is the father who has the responsibility to support his son, not the stepfather.

@OwMyNeck

And then dad is expected to pick up half of that even though it's not his "problem" as such that the step dad earns a lot. It's a really really shitty system

It is his problem as its his son. It is the father who has the responsibility to support his son, not the stepfather.

Yes which is why I said it's a shit system. Did you miss that bit?

It's also mums problem but she doesn't seem to get a mention here.

Like why should dad pay more because step dad earns a lot?

I'd say that if it was the other way round too, why should mum pay more if step mum earnt a lot?

I am just amazed at this. The child would of had his GSCE's messed about because of the pandemic and all the stress that came with that. Comparing a child of 17 and another so young is completely ridiculous education wise. Do you have no thought and compassion to what he has and is still going through. It is not even sure yet if exams next year are going to be held as normal and you want to suggest that he moves to another school. I think if you have been having money issues for a couple of years this should of been suggested IF AT ALL before he started 6th form and does look a bit selfish to start yours and pay for that when you was not financially stable and now want to suggest he has to leave. And sorry it is right he was financially committed to this before your arrived and they should come first when there is a choice to be made. It is not the childs fault he had more kids.

DH really doesn't want to take his son out of a school he loves and that means we have to continue making sacrifices and compromising our lifestyle (we already haven't been on holiday for over 4 years), whilst ExW continues to live comfortably, she didn't have to sell her car, or not have time off/holiday etc. (Yes I'm bitter!) So I will have to uproot my children to live somewhere cheaper and smaller again, continue to make do without a car, take DC1 out of school... and just hope we can make the business work and in a couple of years we will have choices again 🤞🏼
@usernc76482 - your dss has two parents & no matter what the trolls on here say, one parent is failing him financially & that is his dm. Meanwhile your family has to suffer for her not living up to her financial responsibilities.
Given the fee paying is court ordered & dss is the age he is, in your position I would put my dd in a state school & weather the next 18 months out. However, I would be telling the dm & dss in no uncertain terms that SHE is to take responsibility for any third level he may do - your dh has paid over enough.
If my exh wanted to send any of ours to private school there's no way I would have let him do it alone & if I couldn't have contributed then the dc wouldn't have gone. Private school is a privilege & I don't think it's a route that should be embarked on unless the funds are guaranteed for the duration of the school time - it's too risky otherwise & leads to situations like this where a child/teen may have to be pulled from school which is very disruptive.

Your dd is young.
Dss - pay for him to finish y12&13 if you can and then put your dd into private.

children are deemed parental responsibility in regard finances for uni until they are 26, then they can go as independant.
Whether you think that is fair or not, that is the case, and any loans will be based upon parental income / household income.
Similarly the same sort of applies for universal credit - because you cannot claim a housing element until 26 as a single person, and after that its only in a shared home - you are expected to live at home if not working, but your UC wont affect any benefits of your parents until that point either.
However if the court order states 'full time education' it may extend to the uni costs too. Similarly its not too early to be discussing things in regards that, but its not going to be at a level of the cost of private school for 6th form

[quote DecemberSun]@RedToothBrush

Well. HQ must have agreed with me - they deleted it. Name calling children -- how sad are you?[/quote]
I actually wasn't name calling the child. But y'know if you are that petty thats your call.

I was saying the mother was being massively precious about the daughter.

Whatever. You take your little victory if it makes you feel better.

@PurpleMustang

I am just amazed at this. The child would of had his GSCE's messed about because of the pandemic and all the stress that came with that. Comparing a child of 17 and another so young is completely ridiculous education wise. Do you have no thought and compassion to what he has and is still going through. It is not even sure yet if exams next year are going to be held as normal and you want to suggest that he moves to another school. I think if you have been having money issues for a couple of years this should of been suggested IF AT ALL before he started 6th form and does look a bit selfish to start yours and pay for that when you was not financially stable and now want to suggest he has to leave. And sorry it is right he was financially committed to this before your arrived and they should come first when there is a choice to be made. It is not the childs fault he had more kids.

Him having another child is not the reason they're struggling, is It