My house my rules except when you're a step mum

[Dollyparton3]

Here's a corker.

Currently due to host Xmas day lunch for the in-laws and children. Adult DSD is working Xmas day (day shift)

DP asked the family for their consensus of what time they'd like me to serve lunch (I know, I'm fuming) and DSD has insisted everyone eats in the evening.

I've told DP I'll cook when it suits me and we always have lunch early afternoon.
I don't want to be cooking at 7:30 at night Xmas day and clearing up even later. MIL is now on her phone to DP telling me she'll cook nibbles all day to appease DSD.

I've told DP that DSD can have a plate of food left for her as it's her choice to work and MIl can eat when it served to her or else stay in her home. That's normal. Right?

When I was a teen I worked in a hotel restaurant and would do the lunch shift, get home around 3 so Xmas dinner would be around 4.

How late does her shift finish? If it’s like 7/8 I think YANBU but if its mid afternoon then you should really wait for her.

She's saying she won't get here until 7

Is it really her choice to work? If you’re rotaed on on Christmas Day usually you can’t say no? What does she do?

I think in normal circumstances, as the one doing the cooking, you should definitely get to decide when to eat. But if circumstances mean one member of the family missing Christmas dinner and having to eat alone, I can’t see why you wouldn’t just delay the meal for a few hours to allow everyone to join in! Just make sure everyone else knows they will be clearing up afterwards.

I think YAB a bit U sorry. The year I had* to work boxing day (which has always been a 2nd Christmas day to us) my very lovely step-Mum cooked Christmas Dinner to be ready when I got there rather than expecting me to eat a plate of reheated dinner on my own.

*note had. Not chose. We had to work 2 out of 4 days between 25/26/31 dec and 1 Jan.

7.30 is a bit late for Xmas Dinner.
However, if you've cooked the meal then why are you clearing up as well? Especially when there are other adults in the house?

I think you’re being harsh.

I’ve had jobs were basically if you wanted to get shifts at other times you had to work Xmas.

My family just delayed the Xmas meal until I got in . I was eating prawn cocktail before I got my coat off.l to be fair. It was supportive.

Think you feel a bit under appreciated in other ways (the straw poll for example). But really it’s not a big deal to accommodate someone who’s working and I wouldn’t make that the hill you die on.

YANBU - she still gets Christmas dinner just not at the same time, presumably you'll all still be together and celebrating? Tell DH you're cooking as normal - like it or lump it. DSD can put her big girl pants on!

Normally I would agree with you. But it's Christmas, make it an evening meal instead. Everyone helps clear up and MIL can make everyone else lunch earlier in the day. You still only cook one meal but no-one is left out.
Be gracious and not grumpy. Bah humbug.

You cook a smaller Christmas lunch, maybe even a buffet. DP cooks the big Christmas meal for 7pm, you get to relax. That sounds fair option to me.

Also WWDD? What would Dolly do?

Y’all know that one.

He should have discussed it with you rather than his family but when I and my sister worked Christmas Day as an adult my parents scheduled Christmas dinner around us as they didn’t want us to miss out. I know it’s not ideal to be cooking a bit later but let your DH clear up if you’re cooking.
I’m interested about it being her choice to work though; how did that happen?

For context she's due to have Xmas day lunch at her mums (the kids always go to one house one year and another the next) because of her working Xmas day she's skipping lunch at her mums and asking me to accommodate.

Last year we all went to a restaurant for Xmas lunch

Do you have young children at home?

Also WWDD? What would Dolly do?

Dolly would want all the family to be together, so she'd do dinner in the evening.

I actually think you're being unfair.

Most people who work Christmas Day have no choice - the rota goes out and if you're on it, tough luck. You're working unless you can find someone kind enough to swap with you (ha!).

It's not her fault she's at work all day. Would you want to eat a plate of reheated roast on your own because nobody wanted to wait for you to finish?

I think you should eat when everyone is there. If that means you don't want to cook then DP can take over.

If she’ll get there at 7, it’s late but not unreasonable. If I were in your shoes, this would be my offer:

• MIL to bring nibbles for lunch so you can skip off cooking that meal. Or just have cheese and biscuits.
• agree to do the prep in the morning, be responsible for the turkey (cook low and slow all day) and roasties as they can be prepped in advance and bunged in the oven an hour before
• DH be responsible for the things that need cooking late (veg). Get the pre-packaged stuff with instructions if he has an interesting approach to cooking.
• do the gravy and stuffing last minute
• dinner will be on the table at 7.15. If she is late she can join in when she arrives.

What if it was you working and your OH and you sd cooking and she told you that as she was cooking she would serve dinner when she liked and you could hit a reheated plate when you for in, on your own whilst everyone is on drinks and playing games in the living room and your OH and MIL fully agreed with her? I think you'd feel very differently.

If everyone is happy to eat later, then I think it should be accommodated, however, I would prepare everything possible before and expect your OH to contribute to serving and everyone else can chip in with clearing up afterwards.

YABU. Its normal to see when everyone would like to eat and come to a decision together - its being respectful of everyone. Just because you cook doesn't mean you can dictate the timings of the day. Could you not say if you're cooking for evening time everyone else washes up (that's the normal in my family, whoever cooks gets to relax afterwards and everyone else washes and cleans up). Your MIL is trying to meet you in the middle by kindly offering to cook nibbles throughout the day. It seems everyone else in your family thinks YABU. I suggest you stop thinking of yourself and meet people half way.

I'd plate her a meal. What if she's asked to stay until 8 or 9. What if she's asked to go out for a drink after her shift? You all going to sit around and eat at 9?

I'd do Christmas lunch at lunchtime and get the MIL to provide her snacks for everyone so they can eat those snacks at the same time DSD eats her plated meal at 7 when she gets home.

Compromise should be just that and not just about other people getting their own way.

I think that’s quite mean spirited of you. You won’t be cooking at 7.30, it will all be ready to go for when she comes in the door. Everyone does the cleanup.
Why are you fuming that your partner asked what suited people? To be so rigid with your ideas and routines you alienate people.
It’s CHRISTMAS
I just don’t get shy it’s so stressful and unpleasant for some. Who cares what time, if it’s not perfect, as long as you’re all together having a laugh

And it’s awful to be in a home where the host is in a Moodie. Just don’t offer if you don’t want to do it

Is the change of venue to yours because she's working also annoying you? I.e not messing her Mum's Christmas up, but it's ok to inconvenience you? Plus DP putting it out to consultation rather than asking you.
I'm beginning to see why you're fed up.

@Nzeire very well said.

Id eat earlier. Shes an adult, she can just come and eat stuff later and have a few drinks.