My house my rules except when you're a step mum

[Dollyparton3]

Here's a corker.

Currently due to host Xmas day lunch for the in-laws and children. Adult DSD is working Xmas day (day shift)

DP asked the family for their consensus of what time they'd like me to serve lunch (I know, I'm fuming) and DSD has insisted everyone eats in the evening.

I've told DP I'll cook when it suits me and we always have lunch early afternoon.
I don't want to be cooking at 7:30 at night Xmas day and clearing up even later. MIL is now on her phone to DP telling me she'll cook nibbles all day to appease DSD.

I've told DP that DSD can have a plate of food left for her as it's her choice to work and MIl can eat when it served to her or else stay in her home. That's normal. Right?

The key thing here is that she was supposed to be at her Mum’s on Christmas Day, but has decided not to force her to cook and eat late.

I’m not surprised that you’re peed off.

I think your DH should be stepping up to help you with cooking and cleaning up afterwards, it shouldn't just be left to you.

When I worked care shifts my MIL automatically adjusted Xmas dinner to the evening so I could eat with the family.
I didn't ask she just did this so I would be included.
Now several decades on I am the person hosting Xmas and I make sure she isn't excluded.

Your dp has ruined your Christmas, most likely. If you serve the meal at 3, you will have to hear grumbling and complaint about poor dsd. You are the evil step mother.

If you serve it at 7.30, you will be seething from now until long after. (Because you are right, she should have a plate saved for her).

A classic no-win.

Nice one, DP.

So... I would leave the whole thing to dp. Buy yourself your favourite choccies and kick back on Xmas day. Don't lift a finger.

I would really struggle to eat a full Christmas dinner at that time...just stick to your plans and plate her up some to re-heat.

@Norwester I wear that tag all the time, I'm used to it by now. I'm going properly hands down on making an effort in 2021 so that will show up just how far I used to go before.

Then serve it at 3. In-laws can eat elsewhere if they want to protest.

Are there younger children at home?

Has DP offered to help or take over the cooking?

Why wait a year? This is the year they’re all taking the piss. This is the year no one gives a shit what suits you. This is the year to down tools. YANBU at all, it’s the same people bashing you as I’d have anticipated. It’s all gone to crap now anyway so save yourself additional angst and bow out. Is there anywhere else you could go for the day? You shouldn’t have to but your partner is being a dick and it sounds like MIL is definitely coming over, also a dick, so I’d be elsewhere if you can and leave the ungrateful users to it. If you can’t or don’t want to go out then tell DP he’s making too many demands and as a result you’re not hosting, he is. He can cook, clean and look after people and you’ll be taking it easy having the day off and will show up to eat at whatever time he’s decided. Because he is now hosting as he wanted to make all the decisions.

With you all the way OP. My sister works in care and has worked many Christmas days, often until 8/9. If that is the case she has a plate of Christmas dinner the next day, or if a little earlier she will have it in the evening. No expecting for a whole family to work around her, and as long as she gets a dinner she doesn't care!!
Christmas day evening is a time to relax on the sofa and get the chocs out in your new PJs, not making and eating a huge dinner.
Do whatever you want to do in your own home OP.

OP, why are you hosting and cooking for people who claim you are 'evil stempmother'? With this attitude I would completely disengage myself from any work on Xmas and let your husband deal with his family.
Don't let them treat you like crap in your own home!!!

YANBU. You cook, you decide the time people eat. I agree I wouldn't want to be cooking and eating Christmas dinner for 7 pm.

@Iwonder08 I'm not the evil stepmother all the time, only when I have an opinion or try and have a voice!

That's settled then. Lunch is at 2, if anyone wants it they're welcome. Next year I'm going to a spa alone

What hours is she working? Will she get a decent lunch at work?

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to not want to serve Christmas dinner at 7pm, it would be different if she was due to get home around 3. It’s nice to get all of the cooking/serving/clearing up out of the way and then relax in the evening with a sandwich and every variety of Pringles. I have family members who could potentially have to work at Christmas so I’m not unsympathetic, but surely if you go in to an industry that requires working at Christmas then you accept that you might at some point have to work on Christmas Day, and I don’t think it’s fair to expect everyone else to have to rearrange their day because of that.

Could you not have a really nice meal of her choice (but that other people cook or at least help you cook!) on Boxing Day instead?

Have you tried the 'that's fine DP as long as you cook and clear up' option OP?

Can't believe people are saying YABU. If you are cooking it's entirely reasonable to choose when, you won't be able to relax all day and will be cooking all evening. If your husband wants to eat then, he should cook.

Your partner, sorry.

I'm not sure. I prefer to have Xmas lunch in the afternoon but years ago when my brother was working on Xmas Day we waited until the evening to have dinner so he could join us. If my SD was working I'd do the same thing.

@dontdisturbmenow

If we had had others attending and then my mum announced that she'd be working after they'd already been invited, we wouldn't have reorganised the whole schedule I think some posters are missing the point that everyone else is happy to eat later, it's only OP who seem to have an issue with it.

But OP is doing the cooking!

The key thing here is that she was supposed to be at her Mum’s on Christmas Day, but has decided not to force her to cook and eat late
This in buckets. Nobody is expecting her mum to bend all the christmas plans around her and thays where she was due to be, but the OP should apparently roll over and be DP's family's cook and cleaner to their schedule

If a mum posted that her ex was due to host their adult children for Christmas but now they're being expected to host the kids and move their day around then there would be a whole thread about the ex being a bastard, his year is his problem to sort, he should put his child first, he's opting out of family duties.

But if it's a step mum then she should be eternally flexible to the point of being a doormat.

I've been in nursing for years. When I started as a Health Care Assistant I still lived at home. My mum would keep my dinner and I'd eat it later.

Having said that, I had severe v&d one year, which I'm sure was a result of reheated turkey.

Book yourself a meal at a restaurant alone take a book for company he can do the cooking and clearing up

Personally I cant eat a big meal after 6pm as I do all the cooking we never eat big meals after 6pm

"But if it's a step mum then she should be eternally flexible to the point of being a doormat."
@LolaSmiles this. Just all of this. I'm not their mum, I don't have the luxury of a part time job (the mum) or being retired (the MIL) or being a part time student (SD) yet some people really think I'm the bad guy by offering to host but not bending to the request of going it on some else's timescale.

Like @worriedwellworrier who says I give stepmothers a bad name. At what point does the step mum who is going to the time and effort and cost and surroundings to host in their home give stepmums a bad name? Should I do more? Should I invite the ex wife as well and serve the Turkey on a pedestal for her offspring abs eat a bowl of gruel for myself to show penance? Seriously?

Next year I'll say I won't host someone else's children ever again because it's not met with gratitude by anyone particularly the rude adult the mother has raised. Then we can talk about bad step parenting. In fact if you can send me the role spec for a good step mum between now and then we can debate it on here in advance so I know how the mother of someone else's children will judge me for not putting myself out for her children when they're not in her home.

She's not coming to you for Christmas, she's missing Christmas day as she's working all day. Assuming she's not staying over, then she's popping in during the evening.

Have Christmas Dinner at lunchtime, id even go earlier at 1ish, so that everyone is hungry again by 7:30, and have a substantial buffet.

What's happening boxing day? If she's not working, could the family meet up be moved to a day she's free?

You cook and eat whenever you choose, why does she get to make the rules.

She's not working all day. She's working for 4 hours then won't commit to when she'll come here after that but she is staying over.